“Well done, you got up great”

I have an autoimmune disease - thyroiditis, a disease of the thyroid gland, which I treated for a long time in a state clinic. It has a strong effect on the nervous system, and depending on my general mental state, my phobia manifests either stronger or less.

Due to illness, I sometimes felt very weak. Once I was walking from a student who lived in a private house and fell down the stairs. It was about three years ago. And then for a couple of months I fell three more times. Because due to my illness, I also have a constant feeling of fog in my head, and it prevents me from moving, among other things. But then I got up and went. It was a little scary, that's all.

And about six months later I had a wild fear, before panic attacks, when I went up or down. I think it was in 2019. It manifested itself like this: I approached the stairs, looked at it, my palms were sweating, my heart was pounding, I could not move my legs. I can't breathe, it's like my vision is getting weaker, it can't focus.

I'm not afraid of death as such, as people usually are in a panic attack, I'm afraid that I will be hurt when I fall. First of all, I am afraid of pain, and secondly, that something will happen to me, I will break my leg or my back, and I will have to change all my plans. And no one will work for me (Elena is divorced and takes care of her two daughters, 9 and 11 years old. - Approx. "Cold") .

It happened that it helped me to get up or down that I saw that in front of me a person had passed this way. And I thought: I can too. Or I asked my daughter to help, just put my hand on her shoulder, and we went down. So it was easier for me.

Quite recently there was such a situation: I came to a new student in a private house, and they have a very uncomfortable staircase inside and without a railing. I couldn't get up. We took two classes downstairs in the kitchen, then her mother said, "We don't like classes in the kitchen, so we'll look for another teacher." At that moment, I felt inadequate. I said I have a phobia. But she was intolerant of this, it did not suit her. She gave me an ultimatum: either I get up or they give up [on me]. It's like she doesn't understand, doesn't believe me.

Another student of mine lives on the fourth floor of a five-story building without an elevator. One day I came and I had a panic attack somewhere on the second floor. I called her and asked her to help me. And she is nine years old, she cannot give much help. But she came down, carried my jacket, walked beside me. And the next time her mom called me and offered to help me up. She asked what was wrong with me, I told her, and she said: “Oh, I’m afraid of planes, I understand you.” And she helped me up several times.

Once I was walking from a student who lives on the 25th floor, and their electricity was turned off. It was evening, and there were windows in the doors on the floors that lead to the common balconies, so I was in semi-darkness. I reached the tenth floor, probably in an hour, and realized that I would not go any further. Then two guys came out, and I asked them to help, and they helped me down. There are many understanding people. Sometimes a person will be distrustful, look at me as strange, but still help.

I'm divorced, somewhere a little less than a year I met a man. After the first date, I went to the office where I worked then, and he was on the second floor. And I asked him to help me up. It made a huge impression on him, he felt like a real man.

I don’t tell my parents about my problem, because I’m afraid they won’t understand, they will say: “You are making it up.” My daughters know that I am sick and that sometimes I need help, although I try to get up and down by myself. They always tell me “well done”, “great rise”.

I live in a low-rise building on the second floor and walk up the stairs. For a long time I could only climb with someone's help. And then I began to calm myself, I take a few deep breaths and slow exhalations, this usually helps to calm down.

I was advised by a psychologist and an osteopath to meditate and exercise, and I think that both helped. Because when you go in for sports, you feel more confidence in the body, and when you meditate - more mental confidence. And you begin to believe that you can handle the stairs.

The most terrible situation with depreciation was when the psychologist told me this. I explained everything to her about my underlying illness and she then said, "Well, you don't look sick." It was strange. What should I look like? Then I was somehow frightened and thought that without a psychologist I could somehow [cope]. But even those two sessions that I went to this not very empathic girl helped me anyway. We discussed guarding behavior: wanting to call someone on the stairs, for example, but also muscle tension, convulsive grasping of the railing, stopping before taking a step onto the stairs, seeking help. The psychologist said that this behavior reinforces the phobia. And it's true. Now I have removed it: I don’t wait for help, I don’t stop, I don’t dig into the railing, but I just stick to it - and it got better.