Battleship "Zelenin"

Assassination attempt on the Kremlin kitchen

The methods of political suicide in Russia are diverse. You can publicly slap yourself in the throat, hinting at the well-known weakness of the president, and in no time tanks will drive up to your parliament. You can catch on the eve of the elections ...

The methods of political suicide in Russia are diverse. You can publicly slap yourself in the throat, hinting at the well-known weakness of the president, and in no time tanks will drive up to your parliament. On the eve of the elections, you can catch aggressors with a photocopier box - and now you are no longer the Chief Guard. You can enter into a debate with the guarantor by writing an ideologically flawed article for officialdom, and now you are no longer the mayor. You are no longer trusted.

However, even against the background of the tragic deeds of Khasbulatov, Korzhakov, Luzhkov, the act of the Tver governor Dmitry Zelenin stands out with some special, desperate cynicism. For he encroached on the sacred - on the Kremlin kitchen. On the chef himself, who selflessly prepares spicy dishes.

At the same time, entering into a confrontation with the higher authorities, the governor found unerased words and an unexpected metaphor. And also the most modern of the methods of transmitting accusatory information - "Twitter". And in this Twitter, he told the people the whole truth about how he was fed in the Kremlin at a reception hosted in honor of the President of Germany and his wife.

He found a metaphor in his dish. It had the appearance of a slightly writhing worm, which, upon closer inspection, it turned out to be. “This happens in the Alexander Hall. Together with beef, a salad with live earthworms is served, ”wrote a shocked Zelenin and put a secretly taken photograph on public display. Indeed, at the edge of the plate, like a drunken guest, a creature born to crawl languidly stirred.

Naturally, there was a scandal, in terms of the degree of drama not inferior to the brightest events of the terrible nineties and happy zero years. Some of the independent experts even recalled the mutiny on the Potemkin battleship, which began with such worms in food and turned into a treacherous shot from the Aurora. Following this historical logic, in the coming days one should have expected a revolt of governors in the Kremlin, senseless and merciless. Rough male faces, twisted mouths, rattling bowls were drawn to the imagination - in general, a complete Eisenstein.

The authorities in the Kremlin soon realized the danger lurking in the microblog. The answer was quick and harsh. And the word "dismissal" sounded in it right away - from the mouth of the presidential aide Prikhodko, who regretted that governors cannot, according to the law, be sent to rest for "dementia." A little later, such serious organizations as the FSO and the presidential administration took care of the fate of the earthworm.

The security service began a detailed check of the reasons for the possible penetration of bait into the restricted area. Khrekov, the press secretary of the head of the department, having studied the photo in detail on Twitter, came to the conclusion that “it does not correspond to either the venue or the table setting at this protocol event.” In conclusion, Mr. Khrekov also threatened the rebellious governor with terrible punishments "in accordance with the current legislation." Although it is not so easy to find an article in the current legislation punishing the creation of a revolutionary situation with the use of Twitter and a live shrew.

It is chilly to think about what awaits the troublemaker. Khasbulatov did not soon leave the prison. Korzhakov is still living on written and oral memoirs in which he settles scores with the late president - and everything is somehow unsuccessful. Luzhkov is expected on Triumfalnaya Square - there seems to be nowhere further. And although Governor Zelenin, realizing the mistake, deleted the post from Twitter, his fate seems unenviable. An earthworm, otherwise an earthworm, a beast from a subclass of low-bristle, continues its victorious march on the Internet, cloned in thousands of copies. And on everyone he is depicted in the same depraved drunken pose, as if saying: “Here, citizens, have survived! There are already stale salads in the Kremlin,” which is a malicious slander against the government and its cuisine, as well as the entire governor’s corps, which is not thinking about any riots.

Why, then, United Russia Zelenin, a young, promising politician, rich in ideas and personal fortune, which envious people estimate at a figure approaching a billion USD, set himself up like that? Experience suggests that political suicide in our country is carried away by leaders who have already been shown the door. The same Luzhkov entered into a furious debate with Medvedev after the head of the presidential administration asked him to clear his office within a week. Zelenin fell into the “risk zone” at the end of September, when the International Institute of Political Expertise and the Petersburg Politics Foundation gave him a C grade. Moreover, this assessment could still be clarified in the Kremlin - and not for the better. And he probably decided to leave this zone - on his own, noisily, so that they would remember.

If this is so, then the way in which the Tver governor committed suicide should be recognized as the most original of all that have been practiced so far. To kill the worm in the Alexander Hall for the last time is, you see, the deed of the decade. We ourselves are not from Tver, but we can sincerely sympathize with, how to say, the voters of Zelenin, if they are about to be orphaned. The loss is unimaginable.