I don't sleep

On December 9, 2016, Viktor Aleksandrovich Sosnora met me on the threshold of his apartment in a diaper and with a toy pistol in his hand - this photograph has already died in fragile and ephemeral digital archives. I brought him to watch the film “I don’t wake up” dedicated to his wife Nina Alekseeva. He sat back to the bed and, while we talked, coquettishly lifted the blanket on his bare legs, extremely rejoicing in my parish. He had a crazy sense of humor, just mad. He liked the film, his assistant Tatyana Erdyakova (holy man) wrote after that in the evening that "Sosnor was younger." I didn’t know where to get younger ... But, apparently, it was where: in the last year I constantly met friends, who "just from Viktor Alexandrovich, from the hospital." They didn’t speak directly, but hinted that there was no limit to the opposite movement.

This was the last time we saw.

And the brilliant Petersburg prose writer Alexander Ilyanen introduced us in 2010: I wanted to make a film about Nina.

Nina Alekseeva (1954-2009) wrote wonderful diaries about her poor Petersburg female life.

The diaries were published by Victor Sosnor after her death by a book, the circulation of which, unfortunately, was practically inaccessible, since the whole was in the apartment of Viktor Alexandrovich. A pair of volumes is online . “I think it never occurred to her that I would undertake to print. I took these diaries after death - and immediately was amazed. Still, well, well, a very experienced reader, to put it mildly, and I know how it is written. That is, she practically introduced a new form of diary entries, ”says Viktor Alexandrovich in a fragment that was not included in the film.

Other readers of her diaries write that her example inspires courage in them and gives them inspiration - she fought with lung cancer for twenty years in a row.

I can’t determine whether the case is in the form or in the content, but it seems to me that this book will live the centuries, as “Notes at the head of the carefree maid of honor of the Japanese Empress Sei-Synagon; It was very pleasant to read the notes of Say Synagon, and Nina's diaries were very painful. Life got up from these diaries, as if mine: constant concern for someone, searching for food, cleaning-in general, a female share. I had to deal with this, it was like an obsession, a nightmare, a marshmallow - we had an absolutely general hell with our city that had already left our city then.

It seems that then I had an obsessive idea: I had never made films before that, but here I had to. At my request, brother Alexander (Ilyanen) took me to Sosnor in Peredelkino. There I learned to communicate with Viktor Alexandrovich with a notebook and notes: he says with difficulty ... that is, he said. Then I visited him, asked Nina, we went to the forest and to the store, smoked caustic cigarettes with menthol in the bathroom. As everyone who talked with him knows, the real pondrost was different, and for the better: he joked a lot and ridiculously, wrote a swearing mother in a notebook that was spinning in a lonely head of a deaf-now is not the time to make these jokes, but this time will someday. And the real pine tree was very heavy: I was pregnant, and he fell on me all the time - he did not go very cheerfully then, did not runaway with help.

In the spring of the eleventh year, he agreed to go to Ninin Garden with us.

We drove behind him-I, the operator, the director of the installation and producer of this film Anna Savchenko and Arabist Misha Golikov, who for some reason was not too lazy to take us all to Mshinskaya (this is far). On the way, we went out to buy a lawn mower-I asked Anya to take off how we tried to mow the grass in the country with this mower, some of me had a crooking directorial find in the spirit that we all, so such grass ... these personnel were not included in the film. In general, the extremely melancholic mood of the film is now amazing even me.

After the material was shot, I, like a real documentary, did not immediately, but soon abandoned and forgot for several years and the hero of this film and the film itself. Sosnora was offended and cursed, but his curses did not reach me: in any case, Tanya, like a polite person, did not send me anything like that. When in 2012 I called him to speak in the “Word Order”, he first agreed, but then wrote menacingly: “The times of my entertainment passed. They came up with yourself - you yourself have fun. ”

The film was mounted only in 2016. Now I have found only one version, it seems that it was not the last, but it entered a fragment from Mozart, cut by Vladimir Rannev’s firm hand: when it comes to a pine tree, everyone finds time to do something. He really was a great poet, and besides the fact that the great, so also a wanderer. (In the sense that he always had where to run.)

On November 26, 2016, a show was held as part of the out -of -competition program at the festival of the Fifth Leg video poetry on the new stage of Alexandrinka. On July 22, 2018, we watched and discussed the film at an open meeting of the F-Subsisomo project in the St. Petersburg bookstore "Word Order" . It was a slightly strange discussion on my part - I tried to analyze different types of female writing, comparing the diaries of Nina Alekseeva and the “Lesbian Body” Monica Wittig: I was interested in how these texts were arranged from the psychoanalytic side, what their “object” was arranged and what relations with this object were arranged inside the texts - but it turned out, as always, awkwardly. We discussed the fate of the writers, including Anna Alchuk, in the feminist man, forgetting that there were no meetings dedicated to Nina and her diaries and that for part of the public this evening was a way to honor her memory, to talk about what she was. That is, we missed that this meeting also had a memorial format, so in the end one of the friends of Nina, who patiently listened to all these two hours, got up and politely said that, of course, thank you very much, but she could no longer listen to it, and that she, unlike us, knew Nina, and that Nina lived with Viktor Alexandrovich and took care of him because she loved him.

I loved, of course.

Of course I loved.

And I loved her more than him - and he appreciated and understood it. I am insanely grateful to both of them - including for the fact that everything has passed. Now no melancholy: continuous clarity.

Thank you for sorry this film on the ninth day . Just let's think together with what we, purely anthropologically reasoning, are dealing with here. What opens to us in this cursory sketch? This is not only about the pine and not only about Nina. And not only about feminism. The problem is wider: in what conspiracy did we all enter with reality - against ourselves?

PS 13-minute film “I don’t wake up” (director-Elena Kostyleva, producer, operator, director of installation-Anna Savchenko) was invented as a small documentary routine: the film crew rides with a very elderly poet to a tiny cottage in Mshinskaya, which Nina loved very much and called the “Garden” to make a film about her-but without her. Silent objects, neighbors in the country and Viktor Alexandrovich himself tell about Nina in the film.

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