Nikolai Vostrikov. Euroremont samizdata

European-quality renovation of samizdat
Nikolai Vostrikov

Publication date: April 2, 2003

My old friend, my club preference partner, with whom I never lost, left her American husband after default, retrained as a blue stocking and is now regularly on duty at the Books of Russia fair . As a devoted friend and also no longer a card sharper, but even a bookworm, I receive new items from a friend - smack! You'll rock. Here's the latest news: " Russian Book Newspaper ". Do you think this is something like a " Book Review "?

You are wrong.

The population, wrapping the herring in newspaper, had the opportunity to return to the good old days of imperial symbols: soap, nails, herring - trade turnover rested on three pillars. A herring lying on a crumpled newspaper is a favorite still life of artists of socialist realism. Occasionally, potatoes and a glass were added to the still life.

The wind of change has seduced the everyday aesthetics of communal apartments, barracks, and dormitories with the newfangled term European-quality renovation . European-quality renovation became the essence of perestroika.

The good thing about a Russian book newspaper is that you can’t pick it up without shuddering, without getting hurt by the past. This is almost a parody of samizdat - as if he suddenly lost interest in the harmonious combination of words and paper. This is a dream about the power of scissors over the harmonious combination of object and subject: workers' faculty in action. "Pants elegantly transform... elegantly transform... into shorts!" (“The Diamond Arm” - N.V.), -

by cutting and folding the "RUSSIAN BOOK NEWSPAPER" you will turn it into a 128-page book of a convenient format

- the book is delivered by the postman to your home or office, saving you from the need to waste time and effort at book counters ( it sounds kind of affectionate, but there is something threatening in this “home or office”, I don’t know, maybe it seemed so to me , and the founders wanted the best - N.V. )

each issue contains the entire book

every book is both interesting and useful to you, your loved ones (this again sounds somehow stressful - N.V. )

You will read new book releases and bestsellers before anyone else ( an important point of prestige - N.V. )

a book in a newspaper (you just see a Soviet book, wrapped in a newspaper and greasy in our style, and even farther from the eyes of the KGB! - N.V.) is several times cheaper than a book in a store

50 books by V. Ovchinnikov “Plum Blossoms” will be raffled off among subscribers of the “Russian Book Newspaper” (like in the good old times! Why are people so happy? - N.V.).

The following is a list, which in itself is not a poem, but poetry:

In 2003 in our books:

how to quit smoking
seriously about snoring
health tests
useful tips for every day
about homestead farming
Detective novel
popular about psychology
about cooking
love story
calendar
about our history
how to become attractive
about mysterious and mysterious phenomena
a book from the pen of a popular Russian writer.

I would like to quickly get under the pen of a popular Russian writer, but: “ SUBSCRIBE TO INDEX 44047, AND THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE BOOK WORLD WILL BECOME PLEASANT COMPANIONS IN YOUR LIFE .” So while I cut four newspapers, folded them according to the instructions, threaded a needle and sewed them together, some worked, some not so much - but I noticed that I was really spared the pain of wasting time and effort at book counters. As long as I can remember myself and my friends, bookworms, we have always been disgusted by crowding at book counters. Karl Marx , filling out a questionnaire, wrote: “ his favorite pastime is rummaging through books ” - that’s how he rummaged through his whole life, you asshole. And they saved us from this hemorrhoids.

I'm cutting the first book - a novel. The author is a captain of the first rank, he is also the editor-in-chief of the magazine "Warrior of Russia", he is also the author of the novels "Freeloaders", "Russian Slaves", "Thieves' Races", "Bitch Zone": Igor Khristoforov. "Deadly Show" (#3 (15), Tuesday, 02/11/2003). First page, third line: “ icy metal of the barrel at the temple ”! Here, separated by a comma: “ finger on the trigger .” More recently, with the same tenacity they melted steel and increased milk production. The hero " ran away from the cops ." The word " prisoner " is successfully replaced with " convict ". The operative's name is Methodius; This is a word that does not oblige you to anything. " We were horrified by the dirt inside show business " . Us too.

Plot: Agent Sanka is sent to a colony, Agent Sanka is 23, and he wants and will sing on the stage, despite the drugs and dirt inside show business. Sanka Bashlykov was presented with the order for his feat. And not just any one, but the Order of Courage! A direct path to becoming a colonel has opened up for him, and his soul sings that he has bad luck, his soul is breaking through onto the stage, into show business. " The aggression of world show business, which began in the early sixties, knew no bounds ." You have to understand that “aggression” is already in Russia! With the look of a man about whom the whole country would know in half an hour, I approached the balcony door... " The lead singer of the popular rock band "Arsenic" is thrown out of the window... What is behind this tragedy? According to the police, someone is using musicians as a cover for drug trafficking. A new talented lead singer appears in the group. But is he really who he says he is ?"

In "The Death Show" there is a " white powder, like flour ", there is a monstrously formidable godfather who will "lather the face of the first person he meets ", and dreams - " these are planets you have never been to yet ." I was so scared that I even sat up and saw myself in the mirror. And then I read, like Martyn Zadeki : “ The strangest thing on our planet is to see yourself from the outside, for example, on TV ” (p. 123).

“ Guys weren’t attracted to girls, and girls weren’t attracted to boys ” (p. 80). Purely like that, almost platonically, without a description of the genitals - there will be no cinema, the cinematographer is sick. In just one place, pity squeezed my heart - shouldn’t consider this pornography: “ And he, tightly pressing the girl’s thin buttocks to himself, suddenly felt so good, so blissful that he even widened his face with a slight smile .” Wow! Yes, this is Lomonosov , Psalm 34 (“Judge those who offend, O Creator”), the problem of the Russian Baroque: “ Everyone began to exclaim in droves, / Laughing, widening their jaws...” . The anti-Enlightenment problem of initial human inequality is also nearby: “ for you, one hundred thousand rubles is a lot. But for me, one hundred thousand green rubles is not enough .”

I’m cutting up another book newspaper so that you don’t think that we have only detectives here: Dmitry Tsilikin. "The question is below the belt. Exactly what you wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask."

Without lubricants, straight to the body. Chapter “I met you - and everything of the past...”: sexual behavior is not reduced “ to a chain of conditioned reflexes .” On the other hand, “ simply put, if you liked it, the body conditionally reflexively wants it again .” A sexually experienced person knows that day is more important than night, and orgasm should not be confused with love. “ On the issue of the testicles located below the belt ( so! - N.V. ) the following can be reported : the penis and testicles are not only power and authority (approximate quote, p. 57). In an adult, the eggs reach the size of plums, the left one is slightly raised and larger (approximate quote, p. 59). Muslims relieve themselves on their haunches and take off their pants after sitting down - this way there is less visibility, no one will peep (73), and separation is the orderly of friendship (76).

Chapter "...The cores are pure emerald." A healthy member of society is one who has order from the waist down. According to Kabbalah, the sentence of the Old Testament is harsh: “ whoever has his yatra crushed or his reproductive member cut off cannot enter the society of the Lord ” (p. 57). Louis XV forced the Marquise of Pompadour to eat sheep's eggs to cure her frigidity. " The tribes of Morocco and Algeria ate the testicles of lions, believing that this was how the power of the king of beasts was transmitted to them ."

Peep into the text and copy the skills of personal happiness, multiplying them from partner to partner. Krishna had 16,108 wives. And one man (1001 nights) captured 40 women per night, each 30 times. Uncertainty about “ one’s own virility, a feeling of demasculinization, is the cause of mental impotence ” (p. 82). Crossing of arms, crossing of legs, crossing of fate... The question of where it is convenient to place the penis and where it does not belong is no longer a topic for discussion among specialists. To increase male power, there are snake soups. Soups cooked from the genital organs of cows and sheep, as well as the testes of roosters, increase the necessary agility. It’s bad that swans have menstruation, that they are born blind and copulate like a dog, so they “ can’t be eaten under any circumstances ” (p. 106).

Vissarion Grigorievich Belinsky writes to the anarchist M.A. Bakunin : “ It used to be that sweet pictures are drawn in the imagination - my head and chest hurt, my whole body is hot and feverish: sometimes I can hold on, and sometimes I end a nasty dream with an even nasty reality ” (p. 46) . Dmitry Tsilikin is simple in dealing with the classics: “ By masturbating, a person learns to control the processes occurring in him, which is an indispensable and defining property of culture ” (p. 48). Masturbators of all countries, unite!

Chapter “Hut, hut, stand with your backside towards me”: “anal” - this is for commoners and teenagers who are afraid of getting pregnant. Let's not separate money and humanism. Whether you are M or F, Greek or Jewish, know this: “ a web holds stronger than chains .”

While I was finishing reading, hiding in the toilet from my son, he mastered the toy and with skillful hands sewed “Empress Maria Feodorovna” by Irina Chizhova, richly illustrated with a risograph (a method of printing with large dots). Whoever spoke about the harm of history: Spengler, Nietzsche, Jaspers, Toynbee... Irina Chizhova “ to the best of her ability tried to pay tribute to her deeds and at the same time talk about her character without excessive sentimentality and with possible truthfulness .” " It was very difficult for me, because Maria Fedorovna herself did not want interference in her personal life ." Reluctance worked.

As I read, I roll my eyes out, like rolling out an old bicycle after hibernation: “ Life in Etyup was almost idyllic for the whole family, which was facilitated by the mother’s enthusiastic attitude towards all these lawns, cows, sheep, birds and statues, entwined with garlands of roses .” The royal mother writes to the crown prince: “ everything I hear about her is pleasant, I wish to get acquainted with her as soon as possible; this desire, as you know, has settled in me again ” - there will be a lot of quotes from them, the text cannot be compressed for retelling, since it has no plot . The proportion of quotations per “book” exceeds conceivable and inconceivable norms.

" What was her spiritual appearance? Imagine a vessel - not an alabaster or some other precious urn, finely finished by the hand of an artist, but not just a clay pot, but a vase made of good-quality Meissen porcelain, painted in the taste of Versailles and containing everything that could be poured into her. What exactly? Oh, a multitude of extremely heterogeneous things! " She became pregnant and became a “vessel” in which the main treasure of the country was kept.

As the intrigue begins, perhaps something like this will go, wife to husband: “ I adore you, I love you madly; you are my idol, my highest good, and I love you as much as I cannot express it to you .” And for the time being, this monotonous enthusiasm pleased Pavel and he was not yet tired of the “adoration .” Saying goodbye to the children, before traveling around Europe, Maria Fedorovna “ fainted three times .” The Tsesarevna brought from Paris 200 boxes of gas, small items and other toilet accessories. But the queen mother issued a number of decrees regulating fashion. " The battle for fashion in the royal family quickly died down with the complete victory of the empress. Every day the dresses became more modest and simpler, which was quite consistent with a new phenomenon in literature - sentimentalism " (p. 24).

The matter ends sadly: “ In our state, “social protection” is extremely poorly organized. The memory of Maria Feodorovna’s deeds has been consigned to oblivion, probably so that it would not be so embarrassing .”

If so, we take another book newspaper, and there is “ the first among the best ”, which has just appeared on book shelves, but has long been read by Russian book newspapers: Tatyana Ustinova. "Personal Angel" (#11 2002). Timosha wanted to be in power, but he had a childhood secret, “ he never had such luxury as ten kopecks .” “ He hated with such a fierce, desperate, painful hatred that he destroyed everything that came in his way - glass, fences, cars. He stole what he liked, and what he could not steal, he destroyed and spoiled. It was then? about nine years old, perhaps... ”

Katerina, the brains of a public relations agency, falls in love with the bogus and cynic oligarch Timofey Koltsov, who had his sights set on the governor's throne. A novel about pure love. Not a banal love story, but a natural one, equal in artistic aplomb to “Anna Karenina” and “War and Peace” combined . " Time stopped. The heart stopped " - see page 124, fifth line from the top!

Not being able to declare your love is the first sign of charm, both male and female. “ Katya, I can’t say this. I don’t know how. Teach me, Katya .” And Katya teaches, but Timosha still can’t. The first condition of fantastic stories is that the female and male glands learn tenderness and tears, which, in fact, are inherent in humanity, and the stubborn glands do not know how to feel - the reader goes crazy with pleasure.

“ And Katerina, in a feverish delirium, was suddenly surprised that the planet was rotating in the right direction ” (p. 114). You are spinning in the right direction, comrade planet. We immediately understood everything, put it into categories, stress - separately, adrenaline - separately. He growled, whined, fumbled. The Hutsul blanket fell from her to the floor, from Katerina Solntseva! " Everything about her was a little too much - too tall, too cheerful eyes, and too white teeth ."

- Do you want me to get off you?

- Don't want. I don't want you to get off me.

Side games: bad girl rival Yulia Dukhova, “ how many beds she had to stay in, how many disgusting hands she had to go through before she ended up where she needed to be .” Namely, on page 36. “ It was the best thing in the world - looking at Misha and Masha .” That's right, dad looks at the children.

There was an attempt on the hero's life. " The Vremya program saw this as an undermining of the future presidential elections. The Kommersant newspaper is the extermination of honest businessmen. The Dengi magazine burst out with a huge analytical review of everything that Timofey Koltsov has done for the benefit of his native economy. The ratings have skyrocketed ." Mobile phones, pagers, George Soros, NTV, meetings with ministers, LDPR, Mercs, Land Rovers, Hummers with flashing lights, people of Caucasian nationality, official messages. Briefcases with a “bug”, assassination attempts, shelling, “ ear with a diamond earring ” - Karenin’s ears? Excuse me, throw a stone...

I, like an old plane, strained to roar its engines, left the novel for my son to finish reading, and took off.

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