Sergey Kuznetsov. NasNet: issue 17

NasNet: issue 17
Special Issue: Pointless Advertising

Sergey Kuznetsov

Date of publication: September 7, 2000

Project: nineties

(Project terms and conditions here )

As you know, two issues ago Roman Leibov proposed the following problem:

Flitman and I came up with the idea that we need to advertise all sorts of things that are not for sale. Moreover, use all the normal established advertising techniques.

Let's imagine that there was a madman who paid for such a campaign. I suggest that the insurance company practice advertising on their own.

• shyness;
  
• nose;
  
• numbers "4";
  
• traffic jams;
  
• dandelions

There were so many proposals that I decided to make a separate issue dedicated to this joyful topic.

First, my own options. As my readers know, I write in bulk... that is, I write more articles than good articles. It's the same with advertising.

Number 4.

A still from any adaptation of Orwell's Animal Farm. The animals stomp their feet and chant: two legs are bad, four legs are good. Or what were they chanting about four legs? Here is an advertisement for the number 4.

Here is another advertisement for the target audience, so to speak. "Beasts have 4 legs. FOUR. THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST." I think this should be a banner that rotates somewhere on sites like Verbitsky LENIN.

But - for a different audience. On the screen is an idiot with glasses from a Pepsi-Cola commercial (where Denis Richards is running). He reflects: “Three times... three brothers... three letters...” A triangle appears, with the number 3 inside it. “No, not enough.” The triangle collapses into a point. “Five senses... five fingers... five letters...” A pentagon with the number 5 appears. “No, a lot.” Collapses to a point. "Eureka! Four corners! Four cardinal directions! Four!" A square appears with the triumphant number four.

A variant of the previous advertisement is fixed on the words “three letters... five letters.” The letters X and Y appear, after which everything is covered by a censorship rectangle. Then the letters B and L appear - and everything is covered by the censorship rectangle. At 4 the word "MOM" appears. You can give an enhanced version for nightclubs and counterculturalists, when after a voice pronouncing “4”, the word “mother” turns into the word “fuck”. The meaning of the whole joke with words in tracing paper from English: four-letters words means curse words in English and fuck, first of all.

Shyness.

A young man at a disco looks into the girls' eyes. He sees his future in the eyes of each: one will marry himself, the other, say, will fuck him to death, the third will get him hooked on a needle. And only the fourth one stands with her eyes downcast, and it is she who he invites to dance a slow dance. Slogan: "Without looking up... SHAME." There is a countercultural variation: when she eventually looks up, it is clear that one of her eyes is artificial. For those who have already read V, I will add: “And in the navel, of course, there is a precious stone.”

Dandelions.

Baby fluff on the head of a newborn. Sparse hairs on an old man's head. Dandelion head. Gust of wind. Voice-over: “They are flying around... DANDELIONS. Think about the main thing.” However, this is obviously an advertisement for death. You can, however, use the last shot to show a monk meditating while looking at a dandelion. And videos can be made according to the number of denominations.

Nose.

The simplest advertising consists of the mysterious slogan “This is not your business..!” In the subtext is the famous cart about the similarity of men's noses and penises. Girls and gay men who have the results of their own research based on large statistical material are invited to speak on this topic. By the way, the latter can be expanded into a clip. Many girls/gays talk about the members of their boyfriends and end everything with the words: “In short, nothing special (or “very so-so”, or “but he didn’t know how to use it”). But his NOSE...” and roll it up dreamily eyes.

There is an obvious idea with Pinocchio on the same topic, but I’m too lazy to present it - it’s already clear what the idea is and that it’s more vulgar than funny.

Cyrano de Bergerac. His portrait appears and, say, they read his poems and ask everyone “Who wrote it?” Then they talk about his project for a multi-stage rocket (he had one). They ask: "Who is this?" Nobody knows (poll, say, on the street). And only when asked “The Frenchman, famous for the length of his nose,” everyone shouts: “Cyrano!” Slogan: NOSE is the key to immortality. For notorious postmodernists, it can be replaced with “Perhaps the NOSE is the key to immortality.”

Traffic jams.

Well, here's a Cortazar-esque story about dating and romance in a traffic jam. A whole series of videos, too lazy to come up with at least one.

A man runs out of the house, runs to the metro, passes one stop, runs into the office (it’s clear that it took him about ten minutes to do everything). The boss asks: “Are you a whole hour late again?” "I'm stuck in traffic!" - says the man. Slogan: "Traffic traffic jams. WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING TO SAY." * This, by the way, is an autobiographical video.

In other words, the hardest things to advertise are dandelions and modesty. It's interesting to think why. It’s hardly a problem that “bashfulness” is an abstract concept, and “dandelions” are associated only with Bradbury. I think they simply don’t need advertising anyway, being perceived as positive within the framework of social conventions (although I like shamelessness and don’t really like dandelions... but the general viewer of advertising is obviously not me).

And now - a word to the readers.

President of Russia, be original, don’t forget about her . (bashfulness) (FIN)

A photograph from the twenties showing nudists marching down the street. The photo has been crossed out. At the bottom there is a signature: “Get shameless! Give me shame!” pasha

Dandelions (saint sale) .

Large darkened hall. There are twelve rocking chairs in a circle, in each of which sits a Great Writer (well, Chekhov, Miller :)), one of them is Ray Bradbury. Opposite each writer stands an amphora (close-up of an amphora). Many beautiful butterflies fly above Ray (close-up of butterflies; near their bodies - well, naturally - female ones - these are flying long-haired blue-winged blondes :)). Separating from the rest, four especially beautiful butterflies fly up to the amphora and deliver it to Ray - and after that they turn into four dandelions (a close-up of the yellow dandelion heads shows the faces of the girls in the middle). Bradbury takes a sip and says with pleasure: “dandelions.” His wings grow and he flies away along with all the butterflies somewhere to the side. (A close-up of the remaining four dandelions shows their sly but charming smiles) . Poodle

Slava Kuritsyn sent a brilliant advertisement for the number four. But at first I read it simply as a letter and, until I looked at the subject, I kept trying to comprehend its meaning. I think the same will happen to the viewer:

Party organizer Dunaev fucked the fascists with four dicks. And you?

For those who do not understand, I say - an allusion to “The Mythogenic Love of Castes” by Anufriev & Pepperstein.

Trifon sent the most inventive advertisement. This is an advertisement for all of the above in one bottle:

The mise-en-scene is the same, only the slogans at the end of the advertisement differ.

Black Sea. There is a white steamer on the horizon. The seagulls are screaming. The bright sun glares on the camera lens, the waves sway rhythmically. A stirring appears on the surface of the water, it intensifies, intensifies, and finally a big ass rises from there. The sound of a fart is heard - a languid female voice says a phrase behind the scenes - then the advertised word appears on the screen, voiced by a stern male bass.

Slogans:

A. What's missing here is a little shyness... - SHAMED!

b. Do you want to smell it? - NOSE!

V. And so every day, at exactly four o’clock... - THE NUMBER FOUR!

d. So this is what you think about when you stand in THEM? - TRAFFIC TRAFFIC!

d. Come on, Van, it’s better in our village. - DANDELIONS!

Well, continuing the topic - one network example for each case:

http://www.nos.ru - Russian entertainment portal EB.ru

http://www.jam.ru - information and entertainment site

Need I say that the sites are quite similar? I was hoping that all the other links would be the same... but I couldn’t find either www.4.ru or www.oduvan.ru in RuNet

But someone Leonard N. Zubkoff runs Dandelion Digital's Home Page at http://www.dandelion.com - that is, a dandelion.

And at www.four.com there is a site called "How to configure Outlook Express for Internet Mail." Why four? I'll be honest - I don't know.

So that the reader does not feel offended - today in the project: the nineties will be and one case from me. Also about advertising and also about a rather meaningless one.

KS: advertising, money, obscene language

The Belov family was asked to write an advertisement for Aeroflot. They were promised big money by their standards if they created a slogan that met the following formal criteria:

• be brief
• rhymed
• express the very essence of Aeroflot

The required slogan was composed immediately. Since something told the heroes that the customer might not be satisfied with it, they spent another five hours trying to come up with at least something else. But the first slogan was so good and perfect that they couldn’t come up with anything else. Apparently timid in the face of perfection.

Oh yes. I forgot to say the main thing. The slogan read: “Fuck it in your mouth, Aeroflot!”

I'm afraid they were never paid.

Send me your story about the nineties - and I’m going on another week’s vacation. The next issue will not be until September 19th - no matter how you look at it.

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