Dmitry Petrov. the isXile

Surprisingly, the image of a modern Russian is fully consistent with the image of a citizen described in the preamble to the Constitution of the United States. However, I am not sure that I named the source correctly. But I meant that historical document, which seems to talk about the right to life, freedom and the pursuit of happiness. The Russian wants them. Although he doubts that he can count on all this in his native country. And that's bad.

But the good thing is that the Russian always has in mind: everything is fine where it is not. And in America it just doesn’t exist. And sometimes he worries about this.

An American is not like that. He is happy where he is. What he does (being, say, in New York or South Dakota) confirms the guess about the feasibility of his Great Dream. And staying, for example, in Moscow or Nizhny Tagil, he confirms the fidelity of the law. What it says: the task of exceptions is to confirm the rules.

In general, from the point of view of the average person living on both sides of the Atlantic, it’s not good to get mad at fat people. In this sense, it is better not to confirm the rules. That is, do not be an exception. Don’t run away from America to Russia simply because you like it better in Russia (that’s strange!). Don't attack the lifestyle and values ​​of those who prefer rules to exceptions (that's provocative!). Do not mock the Chechens and the Western press that sympathizes with them (this is not politically correct!). And finally, don't publicly call American girls fat-assed just because they appear to be (that's not fair!).

But, as it turns out, some manage to ignore the sentiments of the average person. There are some guys who do everything listed above. And that is why they are fugitives, or rather exiles, these American Muscovites Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi, co-editors of the newspaper the eXile .

"Exile" (in quotes)

Never read the eXile ! If you are not Russian or not Russian. There they mock freedom in general and freedom of speech in particular (more precisely, at the modern versions of both the first and second). The foundations are being undermined there. All the brightest things are defamed there. And the English language of defamation gives it some additional, special, spicy depravity.

To a Russian person - in terms of language and worldview - ridicule (especially printed in a newspaper) is basically of no difference. Over the past years, he has gotten used to them. So, they say, consuming a large amount of poison, but in small doses, helps to develop immunity to snake bites.

As for undermining the foundations, in the case of a Russian this is also difficult. For a reason that is so well known to everyone that it is ridiculous to repeat it.

Well, when it comes to defamation, he himself is good.

That’s why everything turns out funny with the eXile : foreigners living in Moscow, for whom the newspaper is actually published, for the most part hate it. So everyone else reads it. They may feel like they are bullying someone else. But this is a mistake.

This is what it looks like.

Once the aluminum begins to toll
The body count goes much higher
Oh Bykov, Bykov, because Bukov
Oh Bykov, Bykov, because Bukov
Do Svidania, Tebe khuevo
The game is up

And the General's balls
Are bigger now
bigger now

Oh-oh-oh

The editors claim that this lyrical and courageous song, authored by the progressive artist Peter Gabriel (in fact, this is, of course, a parody), is filled with sympathy for “the victim of the anti-corruption lawlessness of the Krasnoyarsk governor Lebed, Anatoly Bykov, who was denied asylum by the Hungarians.” . Yes, indeed - Do Svidania...

In general, one gets the impression that those who write for the eXile are making an attempt. And quite intentionally and consciously. For example - on sacred cows and on current symbols that seem to them false, discredited and - moreover - discrediting democracy and freedom both in the West and in the East. In the first case, this is the International Monetary Fund or, say, the Proctor and Gamble Corporation, and in the second, campaigns in defense of freedom of speech or, for example, Vladimir Zhirinovsky.

“The tendency of some boys to actively masturbate sometimes greatly worries their parents, who, in the vain hope of putting an end to the inappropriate activity, sometimes frighten the children with promises of taking them to a doctor who will cut it off . It seems that such a misfortune happened to Vladimir Zhirinovsky in childhood...” Like this!

The local analysts are all racking their brains, trying to comprehend “the secret of Zhirinovsky’s phenomenal success,” while the American scoffers seem to have figured it all out and claim that it turns out to be a castration complex - a subconscious horror of castration that drives the actions of Vladimir Volfovich. And the point is not that the latter may have experienced the specified dramatic trauma at a tender age, but that if today they mock the deputy chairmen of the State Duma like this, then tomorrow they may take aim at people who are not only named in such a context, but they can’t even be thinking about it... For example, against President Clinton.

So it's no surprise that Mark Ames and Matt Taibbi fled America. They simply felt that the land there refused to carry them. Exhausted by political correctness and driven by passions, they sought to riot in the media space, but understood that American society would reject them. And lo and behold, they will ruin you with fines. So they make noise here in Moscow, and not only on the pages of their eXile , but also in public places, mainly bars and clubs.

Exile (without quotes)

Mark and Matt make no secret of their lifestyle or the reasons that prompted them both to leave the states.

“In America, we felt like outcasts, losers, strangers... This is a terrible society where a person who wants to breathe deeply, feel free and happy, just live like a human being, has no chance. It’s impossible to pick up a girl in a bar there! This never happens! Never! Can you imagine?..

Meanwhile, the magazine "Penthouse Letters" inspires its many readers: everyone around them only knows that they are taking pictures of each other and making love in all sorts of interesting configurations and unusual places. People feel terrible. They feel like life is passing them by. That it’s only they who are such idiots. They suffer until someone opens their eyes and tells them that all the letters in Penthouse Letters were created by nerds sitting in their offices chewing on their pens!

And what about the monstrous American television with its terrible advertising that codes people and programs submission and consumption? If this continues, there will be a revolution in the States, a riot! This is a factory of politically correct cretins and moral monsters. The American mass media is an industry of lies, paralyzing the will of the individual and turning him into a wingless layman who sees nothing but his work, his home, his loan, his car and his frigid wife!

Yes, American women are monsters. Physical and spiritual. When you are young, you still expect something from them. But then you find out: in order to..., whatever, before you kiss them, you have to go through many formal steps, following dozens of stupid rules. They just make you sick! But God forbid if you say it out loud.

Or, for example, you call a freak “ugly” - that is, “freak”, and a manic - “maniac”. Hello everyone: you will immediately be hit over the head with political correctness.

In the first case it was necessary to say “differently beautiful”, and in the second - “someone whose sexual needs are hard to meet” - that is, “someone whose sexual needs are difficult to satisfy.”

So, when you realize that in the real life of so-called normal people everything is not at all the way you want and the way you need it, it becomes disgusting! And then you either break down and, accepting the rules of the game, become such a complete mainstream asshole, or you go online and look for the place in the list of countries where you might be able to live the way you want.

It is difficult, but it must be done if you intend to remain human. However, it wasn’t too difficult for us to do this..."

Indeed, it was easier for them than for others. Both knew the Russian language and specialized: Matt - in Russian literature (!), and Mark - in rhetoric (!!). So it is no coincidence - apparently, feeling through the fibers developed by a good school that the Laf here is exactly like them - both chose Russia as a refuge.

“Yes, ” Mark and Matt say, not without warmth and not even without some sentiment, “ we, pushed out by the hypocritical American system, have been sheltered by your beautiful country. It’s so good here . ”

Here. And if you were in their place, what would you do?

Where it's good

"You have such clubs here! Such parties! There are such warm, open, smart, educated, subtle people here! You have such wonderful girls. Many American and European expats here say that they are all bitches. But they are not! They are wonderful, "Nice girls, in love with life and looking for joy! There are such good bookstores here! Television here is, of course, also crap. But still not the same as there. It's more fun here. You have Dorenko!"

This is not even a stone anymore, but a whole heap of bricks in the garden of our liberal intellectuals - to designate what Sergei Dorenko does on air with the word “more fun.” However, it seems to me that Dorenko and other masters of that purely Russian style, which I would call “total journalism,” should be close to the editors of the eXile . They do roughly the same thing. Although for different reasons. Matt and Mark have fallen out of favor (albeit, perhaps temporarily) with the local establishment, while ours, on the contrary, are striving with all their might to join the local one.

Well, is it really possible to imagine how, for example, Evgeny Kiselev, in a conversation intended for publication, says: “My girlfriend is a schoolgirl, a high school student,” and Mark not only speaks, but also writes an article about being employed in Spaso-House ball of the Moscow American school, where he appeared together with his young girlfriend, causing a modest shock and furore.

And it’s hardly easy to imagine Pavel, say, Gusev, holding, under the auspices of Moskovsky Komsomolets, some of our analogue of the competition organized by the eXile , where the winner was the girl most similar to Monica Lewinsky . The competition took place at the Sirius strip club under the motto "Would You Like To Fuck President Clinton?" on the day of the latter’s arrival in Moscow. No, Mr. Gusev is only enough for a few revelers beaten by the police and at the “Miss Bust” in Luzhniki, but here there was no massacre, but the girls with cigars between their knees were racing... And she won, by the way, our compatriot. However, the organizers remember the details vaguely. We drank Russian vodka...

This is how they live and live in Moscow, American refugees Matthew Taibbi - age: 30 ; weight: 210 lbs ( 95 kg ); height: 6'2'' ( 190 cm ) - and Mark Ames - age: 34 ; weight: 195 lbs ; height: 6'3'' .

And not only do the hooligans live, but they also continue to publish their subversive newspaper. And they even wrote and published a book - about her, about their life here and about life here - “Sex, Drugs, and Libel in the New Russia.” It seems that their exclusion from America was not absolute after all, which confirmed a simple rule: exiles return to where they are not.

By the way, the eXile in Russian means “exile”. I'm not sure I forgot to mention this. But this is just in case...