Like De Sade

Many experts believe that the real reason for the resignation of former IMF Managing Director Michel Comdessus was the scandal surrounding “Russian money laundering.” However, the latest findings of the Drake Foundation Historical Commission (chaired by Lord Roger Redbaird) cast doubt on the validity of this - we agree, too banal - explanation.

The Commission's original task was to determine the presence (or absence) of genetic links between the current Managing Director of the IMF, Horst Keller, and the German folk hero Horst Wessel. However, in the IMF archive, all data on the word “Horst” turned out to be classified. As a consolation, the commission members were offered recently declassified data on Michel Comdessus. According to these data, Michel Comdessus resigned voluntarily in a state of deep depression - immediately after he learned the secret of his origin. Below is the pedigree of M. Comdessus, going back to the Marquis De Sade himself.

* * *

It is known that the Marquis De Sade gained his ominous fame thanks to his literary work. In life, he was an almost harmless person - although he was very angry with his tongue. In particular, he called his mother-in-law, Madame De Montreuil, “pig snout.” The mother-in-law, who occupied a high position at court, responded by starting a hunt for her talkative son-in-law. The son-in-law, of course, was not an angel: he hung around brothels, fed girls of easy virtue with candy with “Spanish fly” and offered (unsuccessfully, however) to have anal sex. That's all sadism. But Pig's Snout got the marquis imprisoned in the Bastille. In the Bastille, out of boredom, the Marquis began to write all sorts of “horror films” for which we all know and love him. One of these horror films, “The One Hundred and Twenty Days of Sodom,” was filmed (already in the twentieth century) by director Pasolini.

After the revolution, De Sade was released from the Bastille and even made a “commissar”. But the mother-in-law again stood in the way of the career of the former marquis - this time as an “innocent victim.” Instead of sending Pig's Snout to the guillotine (as was expected of him), De Sade helped his mother-in-law leave France and gave 300 livres for the journey. As a result, the Jacobin tribunal sent De Sade to jail on charges of “modernantism” - that is, for excessive softness!

Finding himself behind bars again, De Sade returned to literature and wrote a lot of things for which grateful descendants considered him a monster.

What did the marquis do in between his imprisonments? The same as all other French aristocrats: he fathered illegitimate children. So, on May 11, 1775, Anna Sabloniere, a maid of the Lacoste castle, where De Sade lived, gave birth to a daughter from the Marquis. The daughter was named Alfonsina in honor of her father. She grew up in a place playfully named Courtezon. Apparently, heredity, coupled with the name of the town, led to the fact that Alfonsina made her career in Paris in one of the “gay houses” - having gone through a thorny path from a simple servant to a bandersha. In 1815, at the age of forty, Alphonsine Sabloniere was still very pretty and knew almost all the secrets of Paris. She only did not know her own fate. On January 25, 1815, Alphonsine's "fun house" was visited by a young clerk, an employee of the House of Rothschild, named Alphonse Quesnay. Alphonse was the son of actress Marie-Constance Renel and Balthazar Quesnay. After the birth of Alphonse, Balthazar Quesnay died, Marie-Constance became the mistress of the Marquis De Sade, and little Alphonse became the marquis's pupil. This is such a funny story.

Alfons and Alfonsina fell in love with each other. As a result of this love, a financial crime was born: Alfons stole a huge amount of money from his employers, added Alfonsina’s savings to this amount and, picking up the Bandera, left for America, for New Orleans.

It should be noted that they did not arrive there at the best time. A few years before the arrival of Alphonse and Alphonsine, Bonaparte started a war with Spain, trying to take away both New Orleans and the whole of Louisiana. But, as usual, in the battle between a tiger and a dragon, the rabbit wins. The “rabbit” in this case was American President Thomas Jefferson, who annexed the “disputed territory” to the United States - although he was not invited to this dispute.

Hard times began in New Orleans: “real Americans”, white Anglo-Saxon Protestants, moved there in large numbers and seized not only administrative power in the city, but also spiritual power. Catholicism was banned - along with the cult of Voodoo and the French language, which the local residents, the Franco-Creoles, considered their native language. And there is nothing to say about Sunday carnival processions: they were declared a crime more serious than murder.

Alphonse and Alphonsina unwillingly joined the underground struggle of Catholics and voodooists against the American invaders, whom the Creoles called only “Huguenots.” Hiding their real names both from the official authorities and from their comrades in the voodoo underground, the young couple declared themselves the Comdesades - from the French “Comme De Sade”, that is, “like De Sade” or “like De Sade”.

Alfonsina Comdesad became interested in underground work and soon reached the rank of Voodoo Queen. This, however, was helped by money - not only those that were brought from France, but also those that Alphonse earned already in New Orleans: he did not disdain the double game and often handed over underground workers to the authorities for a significant fee. Alphonse Comdesade approached financial issues very strictly: when in 1827 the American administration delayed payments to its secret agents, Alphonse organized “spontaneous” unrest among Creole youth. Young people took to the streets and staged a voodoo procession, which threatened to turn into something like “Bartholomew’s Night” - the Creole youth firmly decided to slaughter all the “Huguenots” in New Orleans. And the authorities, saving their white Anglo-Saxon-Protestant skins, urgently passed a law: to lift all prohibitions, at least for the duration of the Christmas balls. This is how Mardi Gras was born - the Christmas carnival in New Orleans.

In addition to the carnival, something more important was born these days: Alfonsine Comdesad gave birth to her daughter Françoise.

After the ban on Voodoo holidays was lifted, the Komdesad spouses did not lose their influence at all. On the contrary, the Comdesade house was considered the best in New Orleans, and young Francoise soon became the most profitable match for any young Creole. Of course, she could not marry a “Huguenot” - this would have damaged the honor of the house.

The years passed, but a worthy groom did not appear. Anyone who carefully read fairy tales as a child knows what this situation entails. In the end, the daughter falls in love with the lucky ragamuffin and runs away from home. But this misfortune passed the Comdesad family: in 1857, the Russian Grand Duke Alexei Romanov arrived in New Orleans. His arrival is covered in legends. They say that the Grand Duke visited not only the houses of wealthy Creoles, but also the Queen of Voodoo - the main priestess of the Creole cult, Alfonsina Comdesad. At her request, Alexey Romanov undertook to bring order to the chaotic Creole traditions. It is officially known that it was he who developed all the rituals of Christmas carnivals. The Grand Duke also came up with the carnival flag - a tricolor consisting of green, gold and purple stripes, symbolizing faith (Catholicism), strength (Voodoo) and justice, which triumphed in 1827. And finally, the carnival anthem belongs to the pen of the Grand Duke:

If I ever stop loving,
Then the cows will lay eggs, and the fish will grow legs.

And as payment, the Grand Duke demanded from the Komdesad couple their only daughter, with whom he fell madly in love. The couple grumbled, but agreed: in fact, they were glad to get rid of Françoise, who had been a wench until she was thirty. She looked, however, no more than twenty years old, and her real age was hidden from the Grand Duke.

Alexei Romanov also had to show some secrecy: he could not announce in St. Petersburg that he was legally married to a Creole woman according to the Voodoo rite. Françoise Comdesade was considered the official mistress of the Grand Duke and it was in this capacity that she amazed the St. Petersburg high society - or rather, shocked: her manners corresponded to New Orleans ideas about aristocracy, and her Creole dialect of the French language made the courtiers wince with disgust and their wives faint. It is not surprising that as a result, Françoise began to appear in society less often. An adventurous streak drew her to the night streets of St. Petersburg, and bad heredity forced her to choose the most indecent places on these streets. In one of these places, in Zimin’s Gambling Establishment, the Grand Duke’s mistress met Fyodor Mikhailovich Dostoevsky. Dostoevsky at that moment had lost a lot at cards, was thinking about suicide and was preparing “Notes from the House of the Dead” for publication. He probably hardly noticed his fleeting romance with Françoise Comdesad. But after some time, the fruit of this romance was noticed by the Grand Duke. Being naturally infertile, he immediately guessed that his mistress was unfaithful to him, and drove her away - providing, however, with a good “severance pay”.

This is where the adventurous part of the IMF Managing Director's pedigree ends. Françoise decided not to return to New Orleans. She went to France, changing her last name a little just in case. You already guessed that the Grand Duke's former mistress was now called Francoise Comdessus. She gave her illegitimate son from Fyodor Mikhailovich the name Julien. There was enough money to send Julien to a military school...

In fact, there is no need to continue further. The only point worthy of mention is the not entirely successful marriage of Claude, Julien's son, to Mathilde Overbeck, whose father was a friend of Friedrich Nietzsche. Immediately after the wedding, an affair began between Matilda and the German philosopher - in 1887, when the philosopher was already in deep insanity and sculpted the main monument to this insanity, the work “Beyond Good and Evil.” However, there is no reason to assert that the son of Claude and Matilda had anything to do with this novel and added Nietzsche’s diseased genes to the unimaginable gene set of the Comdessus family.

After all, if you combine adventurism, sadism and black magic with Nietzscheanism, you will no longer get Michel Comdessus, but Adolf Hitler. Comdessus, for all his wonderful qualities, still did not live up to Hitler. All hope lies with Horst Wessel. 1

Note:

1 In the last line, apparently, the author made a typo, meaning a completely different Horst.