Bonuses

On Saturday my friend Oleg called. He reported that he had found a collection of Dovlatov’s things that were not included in the collected works. He wants to give it to me. Well, great. I am grateful to my friends: they know that this year I am working seven days a week, and many of them have taken upon themselves the touching concern of providing your humble servant with what should be in the life of a young, intellectually developed man outside of work. In particular, books.

Late in the evening (Sunday) we had dinner at a restaurant and walked out of a narrow alley onto Myasnitskaya. My friend, of course, refused to take money for the collection. It's a shame. I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude - a reciprocal gesture suggested itself. “All the bookstores have been closed for a long time, which is a pity,” I said.

It turned out that not all. Here it is: beautiful, washed, with floor-to-ceiling windows, sparkling with laser beams from the outside and brightly lit by light bulbs from the inside - an aquarium in which floated algae shelves with multi-colored roots, sellers (pilot fish in the same uniform) and a few late buyers (a couple slow octopuses and hungry sharks rushing about in search of prey). “Federation,” we read the carnival-like blazing sign. - “Your chain of bookstores.” Our? We didn't even know. We entered.

The choice is not bad. Of course, on the shelves closest to the entrance are all the most popular items. Putting on a serious face, I picked up a stunningly illustrated album of Yulia Vysotskaya’s culinary recipes and plunged into studying for two seconds. Oleg, in turn, grabbed another woman’s bestseller and began running his finger along the lines, silently opening his mouth. We exchanged smiles and moved on.

What I especially liked was the breakdown of works into sections. To the left - “Detectives”. Straight up – “Fantasy”. To the right is “Fiction.”

I thought: I’ll kill two birds with one stone. Firstly, I’ll buy a “reciprocal” gift for Oleg. Secondly, I will acquire everything that I have long wanted, but did not have enough time. I will provide myself with hours of pleasure on commuter trains, buses and metro trains.

I quickly found Kundera. I asked if Oleg had read The Joke. No, only “Unbearable Lightness”. So that's great. The gift has been found.

And here is “Funny Loves” - the only one of Kundera’s works that I have not read. Add to cart.

I remembered the second novel by Max Frisch, which was strongly recommended to me by an acquaintance.

I ask the saleswoman:

– Do you have Max Frisch?

Looks incredulous:

– Maybe Max Fry?

I almost jump back:

- No. Max Frisch.

She looks around one of the shelves:

- Aren't you confused? Probably Stephen Fry?

- Max Frisch.

– We need to look on the computer.

Looks. Finds it. Surprised. He searches the shelves. Hands it over.

So, what else? I remembered!.. “An Evening at Claire’s” and “Night Roads” at one time shocked me so much that for a long time I did not dare to read other works of the “great taxi driver”. I was afraid of being disappointed and destroying the idea of ​​him as the best Russian-language author of the first half of the twentieth century. Now the time has perhaps come.

– I would also like to buy something from Gazdanov.

The girl giggles:

- Gazmanova? We have, it seems, his memoirs...

- Author: Gaito Gaz-da-nov.

I'm still polite.

He is there too.

I take all the books to the checkout. The cashier's scanner beeps as it scans through the barcodes, and she happily announces:

– The purchase amount exceeds six hundred rubles!

- And?

– You are entitled to bonuses .

- No thanks. I don’t want to fill out forms or issue cards...

“You don’t need to fill out anything,” she continues solemnly. -You have earned gifts.

Oleg and I look at each other.

“First of all, the latest issue of Break Free magazine,” she begins to pull gifts from under the counter like a magician picking rabbits from a hat. The cover of the magazine features a pornographic interweaving of naked bodies and headlines like “Effective Cunnilingus” (I hope I spelled that word correctly) or “Clitoris: The Magic Button.” She places the magazine on top of Gazdanov.

- Thank you, thank you! – I say loudly and cheerfully.

“That’s not all,” the girl notices my delight and continues no less joyfully: “You are also entitled to two bottles of shampoo N, the best men’s anti-dandruff shampoo (I automatically glance at my shoulders), as well as... two coupons for free hair styling online salons "Neosuperstil"!..

I turn around. Knowing me, Oleg whispers something about the need to control himself.

- Fine. What if I, say, were bald? - I turn to the cashier, putting books in my backpack.

– You could refuse these gifts and receive a flyer for a free visit to the Comedy Show taping.

– What if I bought something more expensive, say, a thousand rubles? – I don’t let up. – For example... well, that beautifully published Koran? Perhaps you could hand me a pack of condoms and a coupon for a free dinner at the Jolly Hog Restaurant?

Oleg smiles. The saleswoman is silent in confusion. Other buyers and sellers turn around. Someone is laughing.

“Bonuses are so nice,” I say. - Now I am your regular customer. (Before this, Oleg and I drank a little in the restaurant...) Tell the store owners, if you know them, of course, that they hooked me. That I am touched by their concern for the buyer and, at the same time, admired by their excellent knowledge of marketing strategies. To the core. And especially the magazine. I'll read it right after Kundera. Thank you again...,” I turn to my friend in rage: “These bitches are selling goods . ” Understand? Whether it's manure or books... What's the difference... Demand needs to be stimulated. Buyers should be encouraged. Laws of Marketing.

The word “bitches” and the volume of the voice make an unpleasant impression on the cashier. A tall manager approaches us.

“My friend didn’t want to offend anyone.” He just wanted to say: “ka-pi-ta-ism,” Oleg pronounces the word the way Schwarzenegger pronounced it in the imperishable film “Red Heat.” - Put your weapon down. Breathe deeply. We're already leaving.

He pushes me towards the door.

“I’ll get a job here,” I say. - Honestly. I'll come up with a shit ton of promotions for them.

- Calm down. “You already have three jobs,” says a friend.