Orthodox humor

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- Sin?

- Sin, Father. Laziness is overcome.

- It is necessary to fight with laziness.

- So too lazy to fight, father!

***

- Father, I am sinful that I look several times a day in the mirror and admire how beautiful I am.

- This is not a sin. This is a delusion ...

***

“Father, why are you sctern me all the time?!”

- I can take it!

***

Archbishop of Tikhvinsky Meliton communes in the Holy Trinity Cathedral. A certain servant of God is suitable and loudly produces the whole temple:

- The secret scum of Efrosinia!

Vladyko Morko remarks:

“So what if you are a secret?”

***

The host of the television program was pushing the details of modern Orthodox being invited to the Orthodox married couple. Mostly the woman answered. For a half-hour conversation, a man was able to insert only two or three replicas. At the end of the program, the presenter asked about the principles of family relationships in the Orthodox family. “Orthodox wives,” the participant of the program chattered, “they obey her husband in everything.” The camera grabbed her spouse's surprised raised eyebrow.

***

Women's prayer:

“Lord, I pray, give me wisdom to understand a man; Love to forgive him, and patience for his mood. Forces, not to note, I do not ask, Lord, otherwise I will kill him. ”

***

The woman in confession lists sins and calls muchea. The father asks: "What is it?" - Suspecting that the parishioner does not know the meaning of this word. So it turned out - a woman in a closet caught a mouse.

***

The German Lutherans, tired of communicating with Russian “church diplomats”, who were always considered a mossal-conservative public, decided to invite a real “man from the people” to visit. He will definitely understand everything and will not fool theological differences ... they called one famous archimandrite with students of a provincial seminary. For a long time, Lutheran communities visited together, drank beer, spoke to each other beautiful words: they say, we have more in common than excellent, and the partitions certainly do not reach the sky ... On the last day they sat at home at the local bishop. Complete fraternity. Archimandrite was sympathetic and says to the owner:

- You are a good person, just wonderful! That's just with the spouse you live inanimate. You should be baptized ...

The Germans no longer called him.

***

A man in a parking lot is unsuccessfully looking for where to put the car. In despair, he raises his face to the sky and says:

- Lord, if you send me a free place, I will quit drinking and I will go to church on Sundays!

Here a free place appears miraculously. The driver again turns to the sky:

- Ah, that's not necessary. Found!

***

Father Demetrius Dudko once told the story of one convert. This man came to the Catholics - they met a friendly one, put on a bench in the first row. Then he looked at the Baptists - they drove tea there, and they promised to look at the bride. He entered the Orthodox Church - there only one old woman looked around, snorted and turned away. “Father, I am an economist,” this man told Father Demetrius, “and I know that they will not impose good goods.”

***
- No, men, I can’t drink. Faith does not allow.

- What, Muslim, or what?!

- His name is so - Vera. 85 kg. He works as a sleeper layman.

***

From the forum of the Orthodox clergy "Altarniks":

“When I was small,” writes the priest, “I had a small pectoral cross. His mother hung me on the neck. I examined it, read what was written on the back: “Save and save.” And I thought: this is what I should do - to pray to God, so that He retains me from troubles, misfortunes ... I became an adult, by God's grace I was ordained in priests and hung a pectoral cross on my neck. I felt: yes, this one will be more heavier, you won’t jump with him. He turned over, read: “Wake the image with a faithful word, life, love, spirit, faith, purity.” And I realized: this is what I should strive for ... Then they awarded me a golden cross and, when I looked at what was on the back, I felt scared, dear fathers ... “It says:“ The presbyter who gives the image with a faithful word and life. ” I realized: now everything is already, I should ... And there is another cross with jewelry. I don't have that. But recently I got into my hands and I took him to see what is written on the back.

And there it was written: "Sofrino" ... "

***

One father serves in the village. The temple is a metal trailer. It is cold in winter, in the summer such stuffiness that candles are not worth it - they melt. And above the entrance to the trailer, the inscription: "And in hell they praise thee, Lord!"

***

The daughter approaches her father and says:

- One young man invited me to marry him, but he is an unbeliever and does not believe in Hell.

“It's nothing when he lives with you and your mother, he will quickly understand that hell exists.”

***

Prayer of a young Christian:

“I'm not asking for yourself, Lord.” Send my mother a good son -in -law ...

***

Three pilgrims pray.

First:

- God, who am I before you? A weightless dust, inaccessible to the eye, persecuted by the wind (spiritual baby :))))

Second:

- God, how small I am in front of your grandeur! The smallest, insignificant atom, lost in the abyss of space.

Third:

- God, how tiny I am in front of you! Little worm ...

The first is the second:

- No, well, have you seen this, with a mania of greatness?

***

The "new Russians" are sitting in Curshell at the table, celebrating the New Year. The hour passes, the third one recall the successes of the year of the past: who has increased his income, what cars he bought, where he acquired new villas.

“Well, it's time to think about the soul,” says one.

-Yes, yes, and another shower for 300-400 would be good for everyone,-they answer him

***

Evil is good that came to power.

***

Never judge a person by friends: they were impeccable at Judas ...

***

- Father, my neighbor in the desk laughs at me, it will pinch right in the lesson. He says: “Petrov broke us firewood” and various other teasers.

- And you cross from him. But with great love.

- Father, here I am moved, but he still tears to tears at the breaks.

“And you answer him firmly, sharply, even rudely.” But with great love.

- Father, I answered him, and he again. And fights.

- And you swing and give it properly! But with great love.

***

A girl (long skirt, a modest blouse and a scarf that covers everything and everything) comes to a conversation to the confessor. Turns, lowering the eyes of the Dole, to the priest:

- Father! Express your conceptual assessment about the latest monograph by Archpriest John Meyendorf, dedicated to the Varlaamist-Palamist polemic and written in the era of nourishing Russian diaspora in Paris?

Father:

- Marry !!! Urgent marry !!!

***

The story of the priest:

“In one diocesan reception, I met a middle -aged lady, literally puffing anger. Despite the fact that the man was there an outsider there, she literally attacked me with complaints about his rector: “We have a revolutionary situation in our parish! The tops are rotten! The bottoms will soon take up an ax! They will not remove the abbot - we’ll turn everything upside down! We’ll put it up to the patriarch!”

And how will you do a revolution? - I'm trying to turn the matter as a joke. -How in the 17th?

- Yes, Lenin did not stand close to us! We’ll arrange this - no one will seem to no one!

-What did your abbot do?

- He is aggressive. And there is little humility ...

The priest of the old hardening serves in one parish. A middle-aged woman approaches him and publicly begins to say that she has no sins. The priest listened, listened and said: "Go from here, my daughter, I do not confess saints." And then, turning to the flock: "I ask for saints for confession not to approach!"

***

The young believer turned to a more experienced question: "Brother, should I completely renounce the world?" “Do not worry,” he answered, “if your life is really Christian, the world will renounce you.”

***

The case takes place in one of the regions of Greece, where the monasteries are located in the mountains, it is possible to climb on them only in a cradle, which two monks with the help of a rope raise from below. One tourist still dared to visit these cultural monuments. When the cradle reached the middle, the tourist saw that the rope had already been playing in order. He asks the monk accompanying him:

- Tell me, do you often change the rope?

- As soon as it breaks, we change it.

***

Somehow a nickle and a chervonets are found and begin to talk about which of them where was and what he managed to see in life?

Chervonets:

- Yes, where I just have not been: at the races, and in the casino, and in nightclubs ...

Pyatak:

- Eh! And I'm all in churches and churches ...

***

Once the bishop visited the monastery in the desert. The brothers who lived there on bread and water climbed out of the skin to make a proper meal for him. At the end of dinner, they asked the bishop:

- Vladyka, how did you find our goat?

“By accident, under the leaf of salad,” the bishop answered.

***

In Soviet times, the school said that holy water has healing properties due to the fact that it contains silver ions. Task: how many silver ions are contained in a liter of the Volga River consecrated on the baptism of the water, if the current was 5 meters per minute, the depth of 5 meters, and the cross with which the father consecrated water was wooden?

***


Essays on spiritual schools (mainly St. Petersburg)

Dialogue in the seminary after the lesson:

- Sit down, there is no truth at the feet.

Father Alexander:

“Do you think she is there, what are you sitting on?”

*

The former seminary teacher tells:

- In the morning I come to work, look - dismissed. They didn’t even warn in advance. Everything "in the Orthodox ..."

*

During the lectures, the assistant inspector Hieromonk Markell (Vetrov) is faced with a hostel with a seminarist, whose leg is tied with a bandage.
- Why not at a lecture?
- Well, that, the head hurts!
- And why a bandage on the leg?!
- Slapped!


***

From Orthodox dating sites on Predanie.ru
The original spelling is preserved. The selection enjoys a large locality among the Orthodox. There are many tears from laughter shed:

Pampered and sophisticated natures as well as waiting
the prince do not waste time I will not approach you

I will meet an Orthodox girl,
Necessarily without higher education.

I do not fit for flirting and I will not answer such letters.

Tall, sports, widow.

If God gives, I am glad to get acquainted with the church Christian,
reached adulthood.

I want to get acquainted with the noble Christian 23 - 24 years old,
With a sense of humor, higher education attractive
appearance, without a husband ...

He worked in the temple with a reader. He began to study church history.
This led me to new discoveries.
I reviewed my attitude to the official church.
He did not enter the seminary.
I am striving to spend my free time
Where few people are in the church ...

Orthodox cute shy blonde
With higher education

Posting a photo for me
Technique, but you can see me on the sites tolstushka.ru ...

In relations, I apply the principles of home building.
Submission to a man, educational flogging for disobedience.
The man in the family is the main one.

With all due respect, persons with Jewish origin and
The mentality is not to write (I have no desire to offend you).

Non -resistance to evil by violence is not Orthodoxy,
This is the heresy of Tolstoy.
Glory to Russia! Fascism will not pass! Orthodoxy or death!
(writes the girl Olya)

If you are so chaste
That you are shy first to start communication - write me an empty letter.

I am looking for a girl from the 31st chapter of Prince. Parable

There was one step to Hirotony. And this step is you.

I will be glad to get to know the connoisseur and admirer
"Diaries" by Aleksandra Shmeman.

For the summer I shaved a beard, the priest said
What let the face sunbathe, and that's right.

I am looking for a girl from Moscow, preferably with a philological
education, in order to create compositions of poetry A.S. Pushkin.

My message is addressed to a girl who has matured for marriage

I am not superstitious, but the first edition of this announcement,
Unfortunately, the devil's "little things" were destroyed,
as soon as I wanted to publish already written
Electricity was chopped off and I had to write everything again.
This is a good sign - it means we are on the right track.

It is strange for me, the provincial, that the brothers in Christ from large cities
They cannot come up and get acquainted with the attachment girl
At lectures of prominent Moscow fathers of the Church
(Prot Artemy Vladimirov, O-D Andrei Kuraev,
Prot Dimitry Smirnov, doctors of theology of Osipov, Dvorkin, Dunaev, etc.)

I will be friends with a poor Orthodox woman to 165, not a heavy ... character, and children's eyes.