Falter Monkey

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Falter: with a new Gott -a monkey!

Folk wisdom:

Who did not meet the monkey, he does not know how she looks.

Toast:

For a whole year we are allotted to be nurtured into people! ... for prospects!

Their custom: In China, every New Year is celebrated according to the lunar calendar (it is also called the holiday of spring) is a family holiday. Previously, if people went to visit on the days of the New Year, it was customary to give gifts before leaving. They usually tried to leave them secretly so that the hosts would not see. But now New Year's gifts are increasingly given immediately. In China, they are very reverent to gifts and with great seriousness approach their choice ...

About pleasant: when celebrating the New Year in China, it is customary to give paired objects symbolizing unity, family harmony, for example: two vases, two circles, two cups ... (you can only one kettle))

Children are customary to give Hunbao - these are special red converters in which they invest a certain amount of money. Children receive a lot of such envelopes for holidays (from all many relatives), and the money received is spent on something useful or gives to parents. A universal gift for the holiday of spring is New Year's rice cookies, which is in Chinese it is called nanny-Gao (according to Komi nanny = bread ) , it is unusually tasty, and both adults and children love it. With an increase in the standard of living in China, many prefer to give their relatives more valuable gifts. In many stores in China, special actions are held before the New Year, in which each committee made a gift in the form of a toy with an image of an animal that is a symbol of the coming year is given.

What is not customary to give in China : watch. In Chinese, the clock is pronounced as “chun”, which is similar to the sound of the word “end, death”.

It is also not customary to give lively cut flowers.

The Chinese Santa Claus is the name of Dong Che Lao Ren (or his double - Shan Dan Laozhen ).

He is very reminiscent of his Russian namesake ... and also loves dumplings!

In China, there is also an interesting custom that originated in ancient times:

During the celebration of the New Year, coming to visit, the owners gave two tangerines, and, leaving, received two other tangerines from the owners. The emergence of this tradition is due to the fact that the words denoting a couple of tangerines in Chinese resemble the word “gold” in the sound. Perhaps the tradition is for the New Year of the tangerines, came to us from China ...

Didn’t it specify this, but in the Internet there are stubborn rumors that Dong Che lao Ren distributes tangerines to everyone for the New Year ... So that, each lost after the New Year's party, he could find the way home in bright skins in the snow!

... they also argue that modern science was only partially able to solve the mandaric phenomenon !!! The thing is that the tangerines contain a special vitamin "P" , which contributes to the emergence of a huge positive energy in a person! The concentration of vitamin "P" in tangerines for reasons not quite understandable so far, sharply increases in the New Year! When using tangerines with vitamin "P" , a person suddenly begins to enjoy life, feel the holiday and give his beloved gifts and positive emotions, believes that everything will be fine in the coming year! Eat positive tangerines, give warmth to loved ones, loved ones and just all people around you !!!

However, there is another hybrid fabulous liberal version of tangerines:

“... it was a long time ago, when the Russians had just made friends with the Chinese, and went to visit each other on an armored train with Kumache banners. Once on New Year's Eve, the Russian Santa Claus and Chinese Duncheren rode in the same armored train, waved from the window with flags with the inscriptions "Russian and Chinese - brothers forever!", Drank the gulls from glasses with such iron rattles, crackled drying and poisoned jokes. That is, they held a socialist competition, who has the most funny jokes in the country. They rode like that for three days and three nights, and everyone rolled with laughter, and there was no winner among them. And then Santa Claus decided to take out his main trump card from the sleeve - a fresh joke about the lieutenant Rzhevsky ... And as he told his friend to his friend, Dun Che Lao Ren came in a violent laugh, and so burst out laughing that he suddenly burst into millions of Chinese tangerines! ...... ... Well, then the Russian Santa Claus was naturally scared, after all, friendship with the Chinese, and this is still friendship with the Chinese, and this You are not a seal-shawl, and decided quickly, the backs of this annoying misunderstanding that arose as always because of the rustician Rzhevsky. He threw Chinese tangerines into his bottomless bag, harnessed his Dedmorous sledges and flew to give mandarinchiki from Dong Che lao Ren to all Soviet children.

... the tangerines were very tasty. Since then, this New Year's tradition has been led. ”

Chinese futurology: about programming the future (and control of the past))

The New Year in the Eastern (Chinese) calendar comes on the first new moon after January 21 and, accordingly, in different years it will be met in the interval of January 21 to February 20 ,

Therefore, you can start especially impatient now ...))

Symbols of the year on the eastern calendar and their order:

The basis of the chronology in the eastern calendar is a large 60-year cycle, divided into 5 small for 12 years.

Every year corresponds to a certain animal. The 12-year-old cycle begins with the year of the rat, then the year of the bull comes, then-the tiger, rabbit, dragon, snakes, horses, goats, monkeys, rooster, dog and wild boar.

Along with this, every year corresponds to a particular primary element (or elements). There are five of them, and they go one after another: wood, fire, earth, metal, water.

In addition, there is also a division into colors: blue, red, yellow, white, black. It is in this sequence that they go one after another.

The dates of the New Year on the Eastern Calendar in the current 12-year cycle (2008–2019) and its symbols:

• Rat Year (2008)

Came - February 7, 2008.
The element is the Earth.
Color is yellow.

• Bull year (2009)

It came - January 26, 2009.
The element is the Earth.
Color is yellow.

• Year of Tiger (2010)

It came - February 14, 2010.
The element is metal.
Color is white.

• Year of Rabbit (2011)

Came - February 3, 2011.
The element is metal.
Color is white.

• Dragon Year (2012)

It came - January 23, 2012.
The element is water.
Color is black.

• Year of the snake (2013)

Came - February 10, 2013.
The element is water.
Color is black.

• Horse year (2014)

It will come - January 31, 2014.
The element is a tree.
Color is blue.

• Year of Goat (2015)

It will come - February 19, 2015.
The element is a tree.
Color is blue.

• Monkey year (2016)

It will come - February 8, 2016.
The element is fire.
Color is red.

Year of the Rooster (2017)
It will come - January 28, 2017.
The element is fire.
Color is red.

• Year of the Dog (2018)

Walking T - February 16, 2018.
The element is the Earth.
Color is yellow.

• Year of Pig (2019)

It will come - February 5, 2019.
The element is the Earth.
Color is yellow.

12 bearded monkeys smile - smile in response))

Etologists argue that on planet Earth = 193 types of Genid (monkeys), among which one with the self -name “Homo Sapiens” (rational person)), although she has a more accurate scientific definition = “Naked Monkey”.

From the school essay:
“The monkeys went naked in the old days, and when the glacier came, they were covered with hair, and this helped them become people ...”

The case in the zoo: yesterday with his son was in the zoo and watched the next picture. A big orangutan sits in the cage and looks down at the people passing by ... It is immediately clear by his face that the “Bo-shop-shaped guy” and even the Svida resembles a researcher ... That's just from Baudun)) So ... Near his cells, adolescents gathered 12-14 years old and grimacing his faces at the same time show something with his thumb and scream. Just like in a circus!, But with a reverse perspective. When the guys became bored, since the orangutan did not react to them, they calmed down ... After that, the Orangutan calmly raises his hands and ... slowly begins to clap! Naturally, the reaction of the monkey group was unambiguous - they quickly left, blushing with shame.

In the zoo, two drunks stand near the pavilion of monkeys. Gorilla male:
- What do you guys look? .. There are no free cells!

A drunken man with a swollen face comes to the zoo and approaches a cage with a monkey. The monkey, seeing him, pulls the lower eyelid of his eye with his finger ... The man was surprised, went to the watchman and asked what this means. The watchman replied: "It is she who sends you." The man was offended, pulled out a stick of sausage, went to the cage, put this stick between his legs and began to wave it. The monkey does the same with his member. A man drives a sausage of sausages along the rods - and the monkey also drives ... In the end, a man bites a hefty piece of sausage! - The monkey calmly pulls the lower eyelid ...

The monkey wanders around the desert, tousled, his tongue is sticking out, his legs are barely moving ...

- Monkey, where are you from? -Where, from nowhere ... from the "Cemel" bureaucrat!

If you observe the monkey, there is a suspicion that she knows how to become a person, but does not want to do this ...

The dwarf bundle is the smallest in the world!

- Who made the most successful career in the history of mankind?
- Monkey!
- How is it?
- She, according to the theory of Darwin, managed to break into people!

Scientists decided to conduct an experiment on probability theory. They put one hundred monkeys in a hundred computers, and they began to wait for them to write “war and peace” ... A week later, the leader of the group collects a press conference and announces the completion of the experiment.
- But what were the results? - journalists are interested.
“You know,” the scientist replies, “they learned to launch toys almost immediately, and already on the sixth day they downloaded“ War and Peace ”from the Moshkov library.”

In order to eliminate the contradiction between the theory of evolution and the “Holy Scripture” to the Bible, it was decided to make a change. Now the history of the origin of a person looks like this:
"A man came from a monkey that God created in his image and likeness." If this does not suit you, then can do anything with the “evolution”? ..

There is such an Hindu joke:

Once Hanuman saw how Sita puts a red point on his forehead. He asked:

- Why are you doing this?

Sita replied:

- To please my husband Rama!

Hanuman thought a little and the next day all the painted in red came.

The seminarist asks the father:

- From whom did people come? From Adam and Eve or from the monkey?

Father answers:

- True, both, my son. After all, Eve washed without soap, combed five, the manicure made her teeth, wore figs, and no cosmetics.

So she was still that monkey!

There is an opinion! .. On central television, the program “Man and Law” must be changed to the “planet of liberal monkeys”.

The “chicken coop law” in the primary: two monkeys on a tree are sitting, one higher, the other below. The one below says:
- Kaku rain is warm today.
TA, which is higher, answers:
- I want it, I do it!

The fox runs through the woods, and the monkey to meet her:
- Fox, where are you so rushing?
- Yes, we have a new progressive tax and excise taxes on the fur. I'm afraid that the last skin would not be removed from me.
The monkey, having heard this how to rush to run! Even overtook the fox. The fox in her back screams in her back in surprise:
-Monkey, and you, with a ghost, what to be afraid of?
The monkey, turning around on the run:
- And then I, redhead, do not know the orders in our forest! With a hunger, as always they will begin! ..

Briefing in the American army.
- How do you contact a monkey who has an automatic machine in the paws?
- I wish you health, sir!

The monkey pulled a grenade, climbed into the palm tree and waving it ...

Mowgli runs down below, sees such a thing and says:

- Stupid Banderalog! Not a grenade, it will explode now!

Monkey:

- Stupid himself. I have one more such ...

Three monkeys are sitting on a tree. One says:
- When I get a tear from a tree, I will become a resident of America.
The second says:
- When I get a tear from a tree, I will become a resident of Russia.
The third scratched her ass and said:
- And I will become a resident of Ukraine without even getting off the tree! ..

Never be offended by insults from the majority:

If the monkeys (and parrots) have learned to talk, this does not mean that they tell the truth.

***

Monkey, elephant, parrot and boaver decided to celebrate the New Year together. They ran into bananas, gathered coconuts and agreed to meet in the evening. Gathered at the appointed hour, looking, but there is no dinner-the boaver swallowed everything! ..

Martyshka:-Let's punish the boa constrictor and cut off his head on the very I-Utsa! (tail))

“No, it's too cruel,” the elephant answered.

-Then let's start with the tail and cut it off the I-Utsa on the very head! - the parrot spoke.

-It was decided! .. Baked I-Uitsa boa, Chur, will be me! - Monsk was summed up.

Gene and Cheburashka: - Gene, let's open the business !!!
- What, Cheburashka?
- Well, there .. Safari - hunting for wild animals, for example. Or the sale of wild waterfowl, or handbags from their skin ...
- Go! ... It is better to open the circus. ” Count, announcement: "Attention, attention! Only today in the arena is a rare talking monkey with giant ears!"

Vovochka: - Mom, is it true that people have come from a monkey?
- Is it true.
-That's what I look, there are so few monkeys left ...

The teacher called Vovochkin's parents and complains:
- Your Vovochka wrote in the essay that we all descended from the monkey ...
- So what? .. Is this not so?
- Maybe so, but the composition was on the patriotic theme:
"Vladimir Putin is our father."

***

The lion hit the deep hole. And nearby the tree grows on the branch of which the monkey jumps and rejoices:
- Well, that's it, the cat is torn, you hit! It ended, Levka, your royal life. Now they will let you into a barbecue ... Claws on beads, teeth on souvenirs, a skin instead of a rug bed, they will be killed on the wall, so you need !!!
And so half an hour ... Then the branch breaks and the monkey falls to the lion into the pit:
- Levushka, you won’t believe it! I thought up and specially went down to you to apologize! ..

Vietnamese (or some more)) War ... The Vietnamese buy from Russia an export version of MiG-A and in the first battle the Vietnamese pilot knocks down 7 American fighters! Journalists surround the Vietnamese and try to understand how he was able to bring down 7 enemy aircraft if he has only 4 missiles on board!? The Vietnamese says:
- I read the instructions before the flight, and there it is written in an emergency to press a large red button! Well, I am flying and surrounds me 7 Americans ... I think: here he is - an outstanding case! And I give with both hands to the red button! .. Suddenly I feel how a heavy, white and hairy hand knocks on my shoulder and hear: "Come on, move, a narrow-eyed monkey ..."

Question: Who were the first people on Earth if it is known that a person came from a monkey? Answer: We have to admit that the first people were: Jew - Angutan, Georgian - Shampanidze, Russian monkeys - Gavrila and another type - Macaczade ...

- I wonder with whom Adam cheated in Eve, that we all descended from monkeys?
- It is curious what was there for Eve if Adam preferred her a monkey! ..

The conversation of two friends:-Of course, excuse you, but if your boyfriend tells me something else, I will break it!
- So! .. Do not touch my monkey, she is manual! ..

- How does your wife call you?
- Monkey.
- Why?
- Several people have already come from me.

***

The cubs of the monkey grows only into the monkey,

Pigue - in a pig,

Donkey - in a donkey,

The goat - in the goat.

With your desire, a human baby can grow in any of the above.

The first monkey, which took the stick in his hands, immediately slowed down another monkey for speeding.

The first stick turned the monkey into a person, and the second into a skier!

“Well, why, when I came from the monkey, no one warned me that Weerstrass theorems would have to be taught!”
- warned, and more than once. Only you, as usual, clicked immediately "I Agree" without reading the user agreement ...

The tourist looks at the animals exhibited for the sale in the pet store and sees how a person buys a monkey for $ 5,000. He approaches the seller and is interested in why this monkey is so expensive. Salesman:

- She very quickly programs on C without making mistakes, and writes a great code.

The tourist begins to carefully examine the other monkeys in this cage and notices that one of them costs 10,000.

- And what can this one?

Salesman:

- This monkey programs on C ++, Java and other object-oriented languages.

The tourist looks around the store and sees another monkey in a separate cage with a sign of $ 50,000.

- Wow! And that costs 50,000 !!!! What can she know?!

The seller shrugs his hands and says:

- I myself do not know for sure, but other monkeys call it Project Manager.

As soon as the nuclear war ended, a monkey is approaching the last surviving person. His stick on the head - bam !!! And he says:
- Well?! Let's start all over again?

... Judging by the unbending perseverance, people still came from monkeys, but from cockroaches. We must pay tribute to evolution - Homosapiens is not afraid of a slipper.

The turtle is trying to get on a palm tree, but he does not succeed. He stubbornly climbs, breaks down, scratches the shell, climbs again, falls, pinches the tail, climbs up again, breaks the nail on his left paw, clings to the bark with his last strength, tries to pull up, scraps with paws along the barrel ... A couple of monkeys observes these attempts from above.
“I think,” one says, “it’s time for us to tell him that we adopted him!”

***

Kochin: "I do not see, I do not hear, I do not create ... evil."

Announcement: “Dear colleagues! In the phrase "Happy New Year, monkeys!" The typo was allowed - an extra comma is set "....

________________________

RS: I believe that with the goal of a thorough preparation for the meeting of the year of the Red Monkey, everyone could tell their joke about her here.

RSS: ... I thought that for the very persistent my readers, for those who are always "multi -bucoff!" надо сделать отдельный пост с яркими детскими картинками,

им определенно Сюда… (- я позднее укажу адрес))