Wild landowner

Kozma Prutkov, as you know, is not only a political scientist and systems analyst, not only an unsurpassed master of military and civil aphorisms - he is also an equally accomplished stylist, and therefore an expert in the field of imitations and parodies. After all, a keen ear for someone else’s intonation and the ability to sing in a voice other than one’s own are the primary virtues of a parodist. This time, Kozma Petrovich intended to temporarily take on the guise of Mikhail Evgrafovich. Saltykov, of course, aka N. Shchedrin.
Since K. P. Prutkov’s fresh opuses are delivered to the editorial office through the diligence of D. A. Kotsyubinsky, we again cannot resist expressing gratitude to the latter, who took on such noble work.

In a certain kingdom, in a certain state, there lived a landowner. Her name was Anna Ioannovna Borona-Sukovatka. She lived and, looking at the light, rejoiced. She had enough of everything: merchants, and palaces, and carriages, and crinolines, and cooks, and bailiffs, and even those who search for their own food in the forests and swamps, and even sow and reap the landowner’s strip and bake fragrant bread - they serve it on the master’s table, in a word, there was plenty of everything!
And that landowner was stupid, she watched the Crumpled Canal, read the newspaper “Nevskoye Bremen” and her body was soft, white and crumbly.
One day this landowner only prayed to God:
- God! I am satisfied with everything from you, I am rewarded with everything! Only one thing is unbearable to my heart: there is too much of all kinds of folk rubbish in our kingdom! There is no point in looking from the window of the carriage at the sides - now the old woman-idle sits on a bench at the clinic and groans, now the old traveler is trying to fill the government transport, now the parasite stall is perched on the road, now the dirty minibus sneaks right in front of your nose. And all of them are very dirty! And the spirit from them is kind of chaffy, not European at all!
And that landowner was from Europe, that is, she used to go wherever she was sent on government affairs, and therefore, although she grew up in her native village (mostly behind the threshing floor with the farm boys) and was not much trained to read and write from childhood, her character at the same time she was proud and strongly civilized.
- Well, in Europe, do we really have trashy little people roaming the streets everywhere?! - Anna Ioannovna lamented over a glass of chocolate, eating it with a pickled cucumber. - Take them all, Lord, away from me! I don’t want to live and live in an uncivilized society anymore and ride through the streets in a carriage with a flashing light!
But God knew what kind of landowner she was and did not heed her request. Anna Ioannovna sees that the thin and dirty people on the streets are not decreasing every day, but are increasing. She then looked into the newspaper “Nevskoe Bremen”, found there the Message of the Sovereign Father and read what should be done in this case. And there it says: “Try!”
“Only one word has been written,” said the landowner, “and it’s a golden word!”
And she began to try, and not just somehow, but all according to the rules and the laws of the market! The old lady, God's dandelion, will climb into the master's trolleybus without a ticket, and right away, as a rule, under her white hands - and with all her might into a snowdrift! The poor city dweller will decide where to trade what God sent him, now - once! - with the highest hand, according to all the rules, and they will slam you down: don’t go, you simpleton, where you weren’t invited, don’t interfere with civilized business getting stronger and developing! A little guy parked his cart without a flashing light on the master's side of the road - he was immediately knocked down! - and a parking ticket.
– Nowadays these fines affect them more! - Anna Ioannovna said to her neighbors, sipping tea from a saucer, - because for them it is clearer.
The men see: although their landowner is stupid, she has great intelligence. She has reduced them so much that there is nowhere to stick your nose out: no matter where they look, everything is prohibited, not allowed, and not yours! Whether a small child goes to school or a sick person goes to the clinic, the landowner shouts: “They wanted free cheese, such scoundrels?!” My school! My clinic!”, if anyone decides to set up a shop somewhere, the landowner is right there: “My land!” A single mother and her son try to settle in a fragile apartment, the landowner again: “My house! You have to pay for everything! If you can’t pay, get out of the apartment!” And the earth, and the water, and the air - everything is hers!
People have no strength to endure any longer, so they prayed with the whole world to the Lord God:
- God! It’s easier for us to perish, even with small children, than to suffer like this all our lives!
The merciful God heard the orphan’s tearful prayer, and there were no more people throughout the entire territory of the landowner’s possessions. No one noticed where the people had gone, but people only saw when suddenly a chaff whirlwind arose and, like a black cloud, timber stalls and copper metro tokens flew through the air.
The landowner went out onto the balcony, sniffed and smelled: the air in all her possessions had become pure, pure. Naturally, I was satisfied. He thinks: “Now I’ll pamper my white body, my white, loose, crumbly body!” And she began to live and live, and began to think how she could console her soul.
And she decided to invite the Tsar-Father himself to visit. And she sent him a letter with a courier: “Come, Tsar-Sovereign, you won’t find European air like mine anywhere else in the world!”
So the Tsar-Sovereign came to her with his retinue, and with a treasurer in a robe and staff officers in civilian clothes, and with many tame bears, and with executioners, jesters, buffoons, and with advisers in caps and bells. Yes, with Sergei Mikhailovich Uronov at the back.
Anna Ioannovna Borona-Sukovatka led the Tsar-Father to the balcony and said:
“Please see, dear father, what kind of reform and civilization I have around me now!”
The king twitched his nose, glanced at him - and indeed it was grace! Silence is everywhere, and the air is thin, light, cold. And no garbage anywhere - neither on foot, nor on horseback, nor above ground, nor underground, nor for merchants and servants, nor for idle people - no more! The Tsar-Sovereign even adjusted his crown and seemed to become taller:
“You came up with a great idea, landowner mother!” It has achieved such cleanliness that even in my capital there is no such thing! So I will tell my mayor to learn from you how to take care of the environment, the mother of its waste!
Anna Ioannovna is standing, squinting her eyes, putting her hands on her hips and thinking about the reward. What would she get? Order? There are already “Love and Friendship” of all degrees, “For courage in a fire”, “For the capture of St. Petersburg” and others. Castle? What's the use of it now - the whole city is now at hand, with all the palaces, gardens and other lands, take it - I don't want it! Here is the title of a courtier, yes, it won’t hurt. Let's say, “Chief Interpreter of Sovereign Dreams.” Ek Sergei Mikhailovich will bite his beard when he finds out!.. But here, at this most piquant place, the tsar suddenly asks:
“Tell me, landowner mother, how did you manage to hide the garbage people so that you can’t even hear them?”
- But God, through my prayer, cleansed all my possessions from the dirty, unwashed people!
- That is, how did you clean it?
- Yes, like this: he took and blew away everything that was hanging around the streets without flashing lights or special passes.
The king was so surprised at these words and raised his eyebrows that the tall crown first went to the back of his head, and then completely fell off his head and rolled on the floor.
- Oh, I shouldn’t have set you up as an example to others! Why did you harass all my subjects? Who will I command now? Are you the face of a cow? Or these clowns over there, playing tricks on each other and thinking that they are extracting oil? Where have you seen a tsar-sovereign without real subjects? Without those who are orphaned, wretched and unwashed? After all, they will laugh abroad, oh, they will laugh! And they won’t invite you anymore for tea with pretzels. And what kind of king-sovereign am I after this? Without honor? One word - budget employee...
Having said this, the Tsar called Sergei Mikhailovich from behind so that he would give the stupid landowner a proper reprimand, and having done so, he would unplug the Myaty Canal and take away the Nevskoe Bremen newspaper forever.
And then a flood happened in the Neva. And the winds blew from different directions. And out of nowhere, different people began to fall from the sky, and stalls with stops, and schools with hospitals, and rusty minibuses with copper tokens, and frayed pension certificates, and homeless people mixed with doctors and teachers. And the city immediately became noisy, stuffy, unclean and unsafe. And again, civilization disappeared as if by hand. And serious business began to grumble again.
But Anna Ioannovna Borona-Sukovatka did not ask God more for anything European. Because no matter how much of a landowner she was, she still knew how to distinguish analgin from rat poison the second time.

Ode
The sun comes out from behind the mountains
And gives us his ray,
And the space is illuminated:
But if there are no clouds.
Let's finally clear the clouds
Let's scatter forever!
Above us is our Big Father -
Kremlin star!
He will warm, pick up,
He will tell you what's what;
He's not lying to us!
And if he’s lying -
We are to blame for this:
We have not matured to the heights
Free goodness.
So what if he’s a sext?
Nothing. Hooray!