The city of orphans

How to become a foster parent or guardian and how the state will help

• Now in Russia 47,279 children left without parental care. A child from an orphanage can be adopted or taken under custody.
• Future foster parents must undergo special training in order to be prepared for difficulties: adoption is not easy.
• In especially difficult situations of the adopted child, you can return to the orphanage, but it will be a serious psychological trauma for him.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: 47,279 children left without parental care, foster families are waiting in Russia. And although the Ministry of Education emphasizes that this is the lowest indicator in the entire new history of the country, 47,279 people are the population of an entire city, such as Salekhard or Kronstadt.

Our guest is Diana Mashkova , the mother of four children, three of whom are the adoptive, founder of the ABC of the ABC of the Foster Family of the Charitable Foundation Arithmetic of Good , and Natalia Mishanina , the leading psychologist of this fund.

Video version of the program

Diana, you have three adopted children. How did you come to this decision?

Diana Mashkova: I was a volunteer, in 2005 my husband and I came to the orphanage with the aim of helping. At first there were requests to buy flowers for the holiday, then a camera, then it reached the bus ... But then we realized that we did not give anything to the children. They don’t care-a bus, not a bus, they need someone who will blow on the knee, when he fell, take the handles, ask in the morning: "Will you be porridge or pancakes?" That is, we need a warm, close person who will respond to the needs of the child at a given second.

Then, for another seven years, we prepared and thought, read psychologists, realizing that it was not easy to take a child from one environment and place in another. Adaptation sometimes lasts three and four years, there are many problems. But we came as ready as possible. We went to family specialists, solved our internal family problems in order to prepare the ground for the child.

At first we had a two -month daughter Dasha. Then we realized that we started to get something, and decided to take a teenager, because no one pays attention to them, and 80% of children in orphanages are teenagers. Then we had another Dasha, she was 13 years old. And through Dasha, Gosha, who was 16, also came to our family.

47 279 orphans are the population of an entire city, like Salekhard or Kronstadt

Maryana Torocheshnikova: What is the fundamental difference between guardianship and adoption of a child?

Diana Mashkova: With adoption, we equalize the child with the blood, that is, for all rights and obligations, the parent becomes like blood, and the child, too, he has the right to inherit, to everything that your own child receives. Guardianship is a slightly different story, it still remains the responsibility of the state for the child, and there is more control. In addition, if you give your surname when adopting, then when the child’s surname does not change, he does not receive the right to inheritance, but retains all state benefits. If the child is adopted, he already loses all the benefits: this is a priority admission to the university and some benefits.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: And if people decide to take someone else's child to the family, it is they who make a decision, will this custody or adoption be?

Diana Mashkova: They receive consultations while studying at the School of Administrative Parents. Training lasts two months. There the whole lesson is devoted to legal issues. There are public schools, there are non -profit. Our fund also has its own "school of foster parents", and we have an emphasis on the training of adolescents. If this is a non -profit organization, then the school is funded by donations of people, and if state, then at the expense of the state. For a candidate for foster parents or adoptive parents, this training is absolutely free.

Natalia Mishanina: Under the law, candidates have the right to choose the school that is convenient for them.

Diana Mashkova: The first thing that meets people at the School of Administrative Parents is an interview with a psychologist: they are helped to understand what they want. If they only want to solve their problems at the expense of the child, then the psychologist will do everything possible to switch them to more correct thoughts.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Psychologists are not interested in giving all these children from the federal base as soon as possible?

Natalia Mishanina: We are interested in ensuring that we do not have returns. And returns most often come from the fact that people expected something, and when the child came, this picture did not coincide with reality. In addition to the interview, I spend installation training, where everyone comes to understand their intention, and immediately ask the question: why do you need a foster child right now? And people begin to think: true, why? For example: “This is a thorceful business” or “I looked, and I feel so sorry for them,” but this is not the motive that will further help the child stand on his feet and socialize in this world.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: And the psychologist will make the decision "not recommended"?

Natalia Mishanina: We have no right to refuse, but we immediately denote all the risks and say: "You, please think about whether you should be a foster parent now." In our fund, another interesting story was invented - mentoring. If the adoptive parent is not ready to take responsibility for a child for a long time, then he can first try himself in mentoring. This is a fairly long relationship with a teenager - to be a significant adult for him during the year. At the same time, the teenager does not move to his family, but simply goes to visit, interacts, understands that he always has a person to whom he can turn to.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: And the adult, accordingly, understands whether he is ready to take the next step.

Natalia Mishanina: Yes, very often, coming to the "school of mentors", parents understand that they can be foster parents, and they are not enough mentoring. Or, on the contrary, the candidates say: "Probably, we hastened, let's still try ourselves in mentoring."

Diana Mashkova

Diana Mashkova: After school, you get a certificate that you have been training, and it is valid all your life: it can be used in a year, or in five years. And then you start collecting medical documents, undergo an examination. You go to the child when there is already the conclusion of the guardianship authority. Before that, they come to your home, check how you live, whether you have a place for a child, whether your income can count on another family member. No one requires anything supernatural - a bed and a place for the game.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Here the custody gave permission - and how do children choose further?

Diana Mashkova: There is a database of orphans, you go there and start looking for: a girl, from five to ten years old, brown eyes, dark hair ... Or you can just sit and look through everything-photos of children and short information about them: they can be adopted or only adopted under custody ...

Maryana Torocheshnikova: What does it depend on?

Diana Mashkova: From whether the parents are deprived of rights, whether they are limited in rights. If deprived, then the child can be adopted. For example, our mother is in prison in our eldest Dasha, but she is not deprived of rights and is not limited in rights, and Dasha cannot be physically adopted, you can only take under guardianship. Now there are other forms, for example, we have a form of personal acquaintances in the fund when a small group of adolescents and a small group of candidates are found, and we will introduce them to the format of the game and trainings.

Natalia Mishanina: The child is chosen as a thing, and for me this is a fairly unfair story. It would probably be more correct if the family was selected for the child. We, the coaches of the "school of foster parents", psychologists working with this family for two months, we know its resource, we know which child will be needed, whom they will pull: a teenager, a small child or a child with health characteristics.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Can you take a child from another region?

Diana Mashkova: Of course. This is the federal database. Sitting in Moscow, you can watch what children are in Magadan.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: A lonely person can take a child, not necessarily married?

Natalia Mishanina: Yes, it is formally written that this is a citizen of Russia aged 18 years, and the floor does not matter.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Here they picked up the child, said: "I want this girl", what's next?

Diana Mashkova: Further, the guardianship authority that is responsible for this child, in the region, prescribes a referral to him to get to know him. And only with this document you are allowed into an orphanage, and there they invite you to some room where you already meet this specific child. If he is more than ten years old, then it is necessary that he, too, then write the consent to go to this family.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: What next? You immediately say "yes, take" and go to court to draw up documents?

We recommend not to accelerate the period of acquaintance, even first arrange a guest regime, invite the child to visit, let him take a closer look

Diana Mashkova: According to the law, you have ten meetings. But if you understood everything the first time, and the child also reaches for you, then you can immediately make a decision. If not, then you meet a few more times, and this is also normal. And even if you have already met ten times, but questions remain, then this paper can be extended and chatting for some more time. We always recommend not to accelerate the period of acquaintance, we even recommend first issuing a guest regime, invite the child to visit, on vacation, on weekends, let him look closely and also understand whether there are enough resources and effort to take the child into the family.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Most of the children whose profiles are in the federal banking bank about orphans, older than ten years old, and it is the age who often becomes an obstacle to find a foster family. One of the main stereotypes: orphanage adolescents - already formed personalities, often injured, bad and rude, cannot be changed. Gauche Ginju was lucky: he still got into his family when he was 16 years old.

George Gynju: We call villains (only in a rude form) of those who come, find out and leave. She comes, gives hope, your eyes shine: mommy, mommy, I will soon have daddy, and brothers, sisters, and a house, and affection, and love - everything that I didn’t have enough ... And then they appeared, instilled hope in you and leaving. And you are so sitting: what, damn it ...

Correspondent: George Gynju lived in an orphanage for 16 years. The blood mother refused him in the hospital, his father, as the child said, died before the birth of her son. All his life Gosha was waiting for new parents.

George Gynju: I still believed until 10-12 years old, but with each arrival of some patronage parents who came, looked at the "goods" and left, this faith has already subsided a little. And by the age of 15, I already understood for sure: well, who will take me?

Correspondent: But Gosha had no idea where to go after the orphanage and how to live on.

George Gynju: I prayed to die until the age of 18, because I understood: it would be very difficult for me to socialize in this world. We are used to what they give us: I came to the dining room - you have food, came to the office - I received clothes. I had no future, I lived here and now. It seems to me that all children in orphanages live here and now, they have neither the future nor the past. Here and now we are stealing, getting drunk, we live ...

Correspondent: The gynju was repeatedly caught on theft, it even reached trial, and everything, as Gosha explains, because of boredom and lack of attention.

George Gynju: I cannot approach the teacher and ask about something, because they immediately either drive away or punish. I have nothing to do, I am bored, I need some adrenaline, reassurance. He drank vodka-calmed down a little, relaxed. And theft is adrenaline to somehow color their same gray everyday life.

Correspondent: everything changed when a person appeared in Goshi’s life who was ready to spend his time on him and talk about how life behind the walls of the orphanage works.

George Gynju: In the family, everything is different. So that you sat down at the table and eats: "Gosha, help me cook." Clothing: "Gosha, went to the store, you yourself will choose what you need." You already know what you can do in your free time: play with a small one or sit down and teach lessons.

Correspondent: Diana Mashkova and Denis Saltiev has three adopted children and one blood daughter. The last was taken by Gosha.

George Gynju: Diana immediately said: "I will only be your friend, I can not become your mother." After some time, I came to their home and still live. At first there was communication, then friendship, and now she is my mother. Ten years later, I will be a good father and businessman who will open a private school.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: What should you pay attention to potential adoptive parents if they decide to take an adult with their ambitions, habits, life attitudes? Maybe you don’t need to take it if he is so smart and adult? Four years later, he will already come to life.

Diana Mashkova: will come out and sit or sniff. After all, this is a person without support, one after four walls in which everything was done for him in advance, he did not learn to cook or clean, he does not have people who he can call and ask some questions. Children come out and disappear. At least in order for them to not disappear, it is very reasonable to give them two, three, four, five years in the family, and the child will have time to adapt, get used to the world, learn to interact with it. We have friends, we go to visit them, and they are against us. And in a child, a social circle begins to expand in geometric progression. He is an insane pace building new competencies and knowledge about the world.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Are adolescents not afraid of such changes?

Natalia Mishanina

Natalia Mishanina: Teenagers want a family, they want a significant adult who could help them. The first thing they want from an adult is to fuck something material, but our task is to reorient them to the fact that an adult can help with his experience, share his interests, his warmth.

Diana Mashkova: At first, everyone wants to be like in a movie, and Gosha was also looking for a rich, wealthy family for himself, so that there was a sea, and he did not think about anything else. And only after many months of our life in one family did he realize that family is much more. He began to observe the relationship of a man and a woman, to understand that mom and dad are a couple, that they are always at the same time, and this is what a relationship is. He understood how these relations differ from relations with children who are in the family, that is, in his head, finally appeared a family model. In the meantime, he lived in the orphanage, he had not had nowhere to spy on these elementary things.

And this is the first: "I want money, inheritance, do you leave me everything you have?" - Six months later, without a trace, and other things have already begun: “Mom, tell me what to read. Mom, let's talk to you. And what do you think about it? And now I want to tell you a story, share what you say?”

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Difficult with adopted children?

Diana Mashkova: Of course!

Maryana Torocheshnikova: Does someone help to solve these difficulties?

Diana Mashkova: Psychologists. In our fund - free. If you have accepted the child, adopted or taken under guardianship, you can contact. In many cities there are such funds, as well as state centers for promoting family education. But not everywhere the same quality.

Natalia Mishanina: There is confidence services where you can call at any time, there is a hot line in the Moscow Psychological Service, but this is still such an injection, without trust.

Diana Mashkova: We always recommend: write in advance the list where you go in case of something. And also a necessary step is to find a community of adoptive parents or adoptive parents, because mutual support in many situations helps to survive and slightly reduce the burden on psychologists. It becomes easier for you if you understand that you are not the only one with your problems and difficulties.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: It is probably very insulting and painful to hear from the adopted child at the time of the quarrel: "Who are you? You are nobody at all! Why did you take me at all?"

Diana Mashkova: If you are prepared, read a million books and already know the stories of hundreds of families, then this is not a shame. I understand that this is not addressed to me, this is something inside the child.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: And if the conflict passes some point of no return, can people who took care of the child or adopt him, come and say: “That's it, please take your child, I don’t want to see him anymore”?

Diana Mashkova: They can, of course. And adolescents can do that.

Natalia Mishanina: But this is not so simple. Parents turn to the guardianship authorities, they must necessarily justify their decision, they are invited to the commission. If everything is very bad, and they have already passed work with a psychologist, then a decision is made to move the child to a shelter.

It is necessary to find a community of foster parents or adoptive parents: mutual support in many situations helps to survive

Diana Mashkova: This is a big mistake that such people were in principle made to the reception of parenthood: it means that there was no psychological work on the way, there was not a very good school.

Maryana Torocheshnikova: What will happen to the child?

Диана Машкова: Травма.

Наталия Мишанина: Это называется "вторичная травма". Первая травма – это когда его изъяли из семьи или отказались от него. Эту травму он получает и с ней живет. А вторичная травма – это уже отказ, который подтверждает, что он никому не нужен, и ребенок живет дальше с этим ощущением.

Марьяна Торочешникова: А кто-то работает с ребенком, от которого отказались, ему помогают психологи, есть какая-то реабилитация?

Диана Машкова: Если у нас в фонде происходит такая ситуация, конечно, мы работаем, стараемся избежать возврата в учреждение, открываем подбор новой семьи и готовим ребенка к изменению его жизни, готовим эту новую семью, немножко поддерживаем прежнюю, потому что для них это тоже тяжелая история. Люди чувствуют, что они не справились, чувствуют себя лузерами, и это тоже нелегкое ощущение, которое остается на всю жизнь. Поддержка здесь нужна абсолютно всем.

Марьяна Торочешникова: А сам ребенок может уйти из семьи?

Диана Машкова: Конечно. И это бывает, особенно с подростками. Вдруг в какой-то момент они чувствуют, что их не понимают, и все, ребенок старше десяти лет может прийти в органы опеки и сказать: "Я отказываюсь от этой семьи", – написать заявление. Конечно, органы опеки это очень не любят. И все равно будет работа, приглашение опекунов, будут беседовать, выяснять, что происходит, рекомендовать хотя бы десять занятий с психологом, чтобы понять, обратима ситуация или нет.

Марьяна Торочешникова: А в каких случаях приемного ребенка могут изъять из семьи?

Диана Машкова: Подростки, как правило, убегают, они не дают такому случиться. Если они любят семью и не хотят уходить, то они просто физически не пойдут: либо удерут, либо спрячутся, либо начнут драться. А с малышами, конечно, в этом смысле дела обстоят хуже, их можно просто взять и унести.

Марьяна Торочешникова: В каких случаях закон разрешает это делать?

Диана Машкова: По уму это должно быть только в случае угрозы жизни и здоровью ребенка. Но, к сожалению, органы опеки – это сотрудники, которые не проходят специального обучения по особенностям детей-сирот, по психологии сиротства, и они могут не знать многих вещей. Например, для них сигналом является то, что ребенок кричит маме: "Ты мне никто! Я не буду тут пахать и мыть посуду!" – хотя речь идет об одной тарелке, которую он сам, собственно, и оставил там, где не положено. Их может посетить мысль, что ребенку здесь плохо: давайте проверим и заберем его. Формальный признак: если 12-летний ребенок дома один, это тоже может быть поводом для того, чтобы начать разбираться или забрать ребенка. К сожалению, такие случаи все-таки бывают.

Марьяна Торочешникова: Мы говорили о подростках как о самых сложных кандидатурах на усыновление. Но есть значительно более сложные случаи, связанные с какими-то заболеваниями детей. Таким семьям государство оказывает какую-то поддержку, кроме выплаты пенсий, достаточно смешных материальных компенсаций?

Диана Машкова: Да, будет пособие и ряд бесплатных медицинских услуг, но все-таки готовьтесь зарабатывать.

Марьяна Торочешникова: Какие нужно принять решения, какие вопросы задать себе людям, которые задумываются о том, чтобы взять ребенка?

Диана Машкова: Первое – обязательно прочесть все, что можно прочесть: это и книги психологов, и художественные книги (я и свои всегда рекомендую, потому что это реальные истории), – и погрузиться в реальную картину сиротства в современной России. На эту тему есть и документальные фильмы. Рекомендую посмотреть фильм Ольги Синяевой "Блеф, или С Новым годом". Второе – обсудить это со всеми близкими людьми: с мужем, с детьми, с родителями, – все проговорить, чтобы не было подводных камней, когда вы встретите ребенка и вдруг захотите его привести.

Дальше, конечно, "Школа приемных родителей", и там уже можно принять решение, для меня это или не для меня. И четвертый шаг – нужно заранее искать поддержку: в какой фонд я пойду, к какому психологу обращусь, где найду центр помощи. И точно не торопиться, на каждом этапе спрашивать себя: это точно мое, я хочу именно этого? Я хочу помочь, несмотря на то что мне будет тяжело? Если все ответы будут "да", тогда нужно двигаться дальше. И, несмотря на то что это трудно, это самая интересная вещь в жизни, с которой я лично вообще сталкивалась. И так говорят многие приемные родители.

Наталия Мишанина: Не ожидать и не форсировать. Разобраться в своих мотивах: зачем вообще приемный ребенок именно сейчас, именно моей семье? Не забывать о кровных детях: очень часто бывает так, что кровные в силу своей воспитанности не могут сказать, как им плохо. И главное – добиться осознанности, продумать риски, которые могут быть, когда новый, чужой человек придет в семью.