Original Material
PROBLEMS OF CHILD-PARENT RELATIONS
An interview by Sveta Vaganova,staff reporter, Girls Request Your Attention, a magazine for teenage girls in Naberezhnye Chelny, Russia
[Editor: This interview was published for the readers of Girls Request Your Attention. We have translated most of it to give our readers a sense of what is considered important for the teen population of that city and especially for their parents, with whom they might well share this interview.]
Introduction: Two generations, adults and children -- they are all human beings with two arms and two legs, it’s just that some have experienced life and others are only starting on the big journey. The relationship between the older and younger generations is an eternal problem, the solution to which has not yet been found. Perhaps after reading this interview there will be a little more goodwill and fewer broken dishes.
Svetlana Panfilova, a psychologist and the leader for the Telephone of Trust, offers her variation on the theme of Turgenev’s Fathers and Sons [a Russian novel of the mid-19th century which had great impact in Russia then and later].
Interviewer: Do adolescents often call you with their parent problems?
Svetlana Panfilova: Those kinds of calls rank third in number. This is an old question and a current one and, alas, a future one. Sometimes the children and the parents call together and we all talk. It is good when both generations come to the psychologist at the same time, for example Mama and daughter. At first we listen to the daughter by herself, with Mama out of the room, then visa versa, and then both together. The psychologist gets to the reason for the problem, suggests where to begin, and what steps to take to change the relationship.
Interviewer: Is a miracle possible, when the two generations can live peacefully under one roof, or is that the exception?
SP: It’s possible, but both have to want it. Otherwise the one against it will always be on strike, so to speak …
Interviewer: You have encountered adolescents who do not have problems with parents. What is the secret of their success?
SP: A lot depends on the parents. If from the very beginning they want to be friends with their children, things will work out. The child, from the time he or she is little, gets accustomed to this relationship. I know teenagers who say, “I have a wonderful mother,” “an uncommon dad.”
Interviewer: Often, parents put themselves above their children. To be friends you have to be on equal planes – when one has more rights, it’s not friendship. SP: The very words, parent-child, suggest that the first has the upper hand. The main problem for parents is that the child is to them always their child. As the child matures, the wise parent encourages that maturing process. If the parent rejects that maturation, then conflict arises.
The child seeks independence and the parent wants childhood to continue, for various reasons. Sometimes it’s because a single mother wants to hold onto her daughter – without her, the mother would be alone. … There is a lot of empty space in her life with nothing to fill it. Another reason stems from being the only child or the youngest child. Parents who haven’t fulfilled themselves in their work or personal life, try to do so through children. … It’s a form of compensation.
Interviewer: Sometimes parental love takes the form of over-supervision and putting limits.
SP: Yes, the love gets expressed as “don’t go out with that boy, you’re too young,” or “don’t stay out late,” and so on. In our city [Naberezhnye Chelny, an industrial city, down at the heels because of high unemployment] the parents have reason to be concerned, since the situation here is tough and there is a lot of crime.
But usually, parents and children can find a compromise. It’s important to clarify, “why do you not want me to go out?” You get an answer and look for the reason. If parents are afraid your friends are not reliable, then choose friends whom they can trust. If you’re going to a friend’s home for an evening party, leave the phone number and address. In this way you can improve mutual relations with parents and also ensure your own security.
What are the advantages for those not allowed out? A girl complains, “my friend goes out as much as she wants, no one waits up for her, while me, I’m always being controlled.” Ask yourself, would you feel good if nobody was waiting up for you? You come home, everyone is sleeping, the lights are out, no one is concerned… They don’t love you? They’re not worried?
Interviewer: Why do children leave home?
SP: Largely because of lack of attention, and the children seek it on the street. There is also “the problem of well-off families,” where the parents says, “I give everything: pocket money, a prestigious education, the latest fashion in clothes, a home – a full cup.” And the child leaves anyway, because there are no warm family relationships, no attention to the child – the parents try to buy love with material things, which can’t be done.
Supervision, control, shadowing do not encourage the child trustingly to share thoughts and doings with parents. If you want me to trust you, then trust me – it’s got to be mutual.
Interviewer: What are the main principles for raising children intelligently?
SP: There are two ways – one is by implanting cultural habits, another is by cultivating values. By implanting culture, I mean things like, “hold your spoon correctly, don’t pick your nose, don’t bespatter your trousers.” This is what is most often instilled, so that people will think you have a well brought-up child who knows how to use his table implements, and says “how do you do” and politely smiles. Whereas moral values get formed through conversations with a child, through genuine interest in the child’s activity.
Far more often what one observes is the process of instilling those cultural habits, -- a mother and her child are out walking; the child cries out something and the mother screams, “don’t shout over the whole street.” What example is she giving, “don’t shout,” when she herself is shouting. The child hears one thing and sees something quite different happening. No wonder he shouts. There is a discord here, leading to the subsequent problems that we’ve been talking about.
I once had a case of a mother calling me and weeping that her son beats and insults her. He was 21 and she was already on pension. When I talked with her about how she had raised her son, I learned she had always beaten him. She got back what had been instilled in him – you reap what you sow. This is not an exception, this frequently happens. Now parents have the same problems. Most often they want to raise their children the way they were raised and this is what happens.
Interviewer: Can this be changed?
SP: It is hard right away to throw off this burden totally, but you have to strive in this direction. If you want your children to be calm, then be calm yourself. If you want him to be your friend, then be his friend.
Interviewer: But in these mutual relations, the parents aren’t responsible for everything, the child also has to contribute and compromise.
SP: Of course, both have to. … The parents are not guilty of everything. When you talk with the older generation, you understand that they are not able to caress their children mostly because they were not accustomed to that. They grew up in the immediate postwar years when the situation was difficult and the main thing was to survive. Now we are different, we want [to give our own children] the attention and caresses that we didn’t get enough of from our parents. And our children will be different from us – what are now fragmentary elements will grow from one generation to another. Often one hears old people say, “I’d like to hug and embrace, but I can’t.” Why? “It isn’t our way.” The children are afraid to do it, the parents are afraid to reach out, they want to communicate, it’s necessary but they don’t know how to take the first step. Here, psychologists, psychotherapists, can help by showing the way to do this without pain.
Interviewer: In other words, maturing means beginning to resolve your problems.
SP: Yes, if you are a mature person, accept responsibility -- even if the result turns out to be negative, you can learn from your own mistakes.
Interviewer: Give our readers your advice as to how to have only good relations with the older generation.
SP: We recently did some game playing with adolescents, dividing them into two teams, parents and children, which were presented with the following situation: persuading parents to let the kids go out until eleven p.m. The parent team had to come up with arguments as to why eleven p.m. was too late, and they were very convincing. If you want your parents to understand you, put yourself in their shoes. Take the first step. And remember, only our parents love us as we are – stubborn, dull, bright, beautiful and not very…