Single mother

Author and presenter Tatyana Tkachuk

Tatyana Tkachuk: According to some data, 30 percent of children in Russia are born to single mothers. These figures are close to statistics for other countries: in the USA, according to the National Center for Health Statistics, the mothers of approximately 33 percent of all newborns are unmarried women; in Iceland, 64 percent of newborns are born from single mothers (this is a record figure), in Sweden - 54 percent, in the UK - 38 percent, in Finland - 37 percent.

Why are these numbers growing so rapidly, and what are the psychological features of a mother-child union in which a man is not involved? This is the topic of today's program.

And I introduce the guests of the studio - these are psychologists Varvara Sidorova and Konstantin Surnov. With us on the phone line from Perm is historian Elena Zvereva. Elena is the mother of four-month-old Maya, whom she is raising without a husband.

And we will immediately clarify what kind of woman’s status we mean by the words “single mother”. According to Russian laws, a single mother registers the child she gives birth to in her last name and indicates her first and patronymic names as she wishes; the child's father does not have any rights and obligations, including not paying alimony, and the child's mother receives state social support and protection. That is, neither divorced women nor widows, who are often called single mothers in everyday conversations, are actually single mothers.

Konstantin, first question for you. About ten, maybe twenty or thirty years ago, such a phenomenon as a single mother was not very common, and society - Russian (then still Soviet) - treated these women at best with bewilderment, and at worst with open condemnation. What suddenly happened in the world? Why has it become so fashionable now to give birth without a husband? Why do Madonna, Judy Foster, Meg Ryan, and Russian stars, and not only stars, inform the public in a row about their desire to give birth without a husband, and the number of such women is growing every year? What happened?

Konstantin Surnov: You see, twenty years later there is always a sequel. As it was, it will not be - this is a general law. And it also works for women trying to raise children without a husband. It may even have become fashionable. But more importantly, it seems to me that this has become possible, that social norms have changed in favor of such women. Due to technological and humanitarian progress, this has become more possible, so there is more of it. And what has become more numerous, in principle, can always be brought into fashion. Fashion is a controlled epidemic, especially among the American millionaires you mentioned primarily as examples of this kind of upbringing.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Well, in Russia there are also more such mothers.

Konstantin Surnov: It has become easier. My preliminary opinion, the hypothesis is something like this: there are washing machines, cars, social services have developed - and these women have ceased to be black sheep. I was excited to hear that more than 60 percent in Iceland, they are the majority.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Varvara, do you agree with this point of view about the reasons?

Varvara Sidorova: Yes, I absolutely agree with Konstantin, and I think that a lot has to do with the fact that in a modern city people can survive alone. Previously, people gathered in families because they needed each other’s help, but now everyone can survive on their own and cope with life on their own, as Konstantin correctly said.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. Elena, what is your opinion?

Elena Zvereva: You know, I was somewhat surprised and touched by the words “it became easier,” firstly. And secondly, returning to the beginning of the conversation, there are more of these women now; before there were much fewer of them... I don’t have statistics, but the history of our country shows that there have always been many of these women, because for some reason men were always killed in war. The question is how society treated them with our double morality when there was the Soviet Union. For some reason this was indecent, although the historical process suggested a completely different attitude.

As for the fact that “it became easier,” I don’t know. I can only speak for myself, I don’t have any other examples: it’s hard. I would like to look into the eyes of the person who will say that it is easy.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena. We'll take the first call. Petersburg, Alexander Viktorovich on the line. Hello, you are on air.

Listener: Hello. Before asking a question, I want to express words of gratitude to the presenter Tatyana Tkachuk, who, no matter the program, is precisely in the interests of the listeners. Thank you, keep it up!

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you very much.

Listener: And my question is this. In your survey, I heard in the intro that one of the women on the street expressed the idea that a single mother is almost a heroine of our time and so on. What do you think this heroism looks like from a child, especially a son, who is forced to live in a single-parent family throughout his childhood and youth? And how will he go through life then? For example, I remember my childhood, I, too, was fatherless, and this wound lives with me all my life. And especially in male companies, this lack of influence from the father in childhood affects even at that age.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Alexander Viktorovich, thank you for your question. Let us then first listen to the full survey of Muscovites on the streets of the capital. Lyubov Chizhova asked: “How do you feel about single mothers and why, in your opinion, is their number growing every year?”

- I have a positive attitude. This is her decision, her step - and I respect that. I think now our women have become more independent, but men have remained the same. And women begin to take on a lot of things and decide, but men cannot meet this bar.

- Positive, because they are single mothers.

- I treat them with sympathy and understanding. They need help. If a single mother gives birth to a child, this is a feat. It is difficult to find a husband, to be honest, now, many do not want to get married. And then, morals seemed to become freer.

- Well, probably bad. For my part, it seems to me that there is no need for this, that you can always find a person, a man. It's hard for me to understand why it doesn't work. Turnover...

- I believe that a husband is either good or not at all. Father too. Wearing sweatpants, sneakers and drinking beer - ugh!

- A single mother does not mean that she will raise without a man. The man may appear. It is not at all necessary that this is the natural father, if this happens. It seems to me that if a child has the attention of at least one parent, significant attention, that is already a lot. It happens that in a complete family there is no attention.

- This social stratum cannot be allowed to grow. Being a single mother is simply hard for people to live. Moreover, subsidies and compensation are all simply meager, and our state is simply laughing at people, I think.

- If she is able to support him, then, it seems to me, it’s normal. If the two of them can’t do it, then the two of them shouldn’t have children. And if she can support a child or ten, then let her give birth to ten. Women have maternal instincts, but men do not. Women want to have children, but men don't. And they give birth alone.

- We have very few wealthy men as such. A woman can now earn money herself and provide for her child. But we don’t have a birth rate as such. I am a single mother myself. I decided to do this, raised her, and now my daughter is 17 years old.

- Very touching, I sympathize with them. They have the hardest time in our lives. The number of men is falling, moving to the rank of “half-men”, “less-men” and “post-men”.

- There are a lot of colleagues - pretty girls, and two educations, and languages, and everything in the world, and external data. A woman is a woman, she needs a child, of course. Raising a child alone... Well, in the end, women haven’t done that before.

- Here I am without a father. Of course, it’s very scary when a mother is with children, especially small ones.

- I can’t stand this word, because the word “single” is very disrespectful to a woman. If for some reason a woman is left alone, then she is not a loner, but she is very strong, strong-willed and smart, and should work in this direction even better and even harder.

Tatyana Tkachuk: So, this survey, fragments of which I used in advertising my program, is what our listener had in mind.

Varvara, the question was also asked to readers of the Radio Liberty website, and was asked in a previous call. A woman decided to give birth without her husband, she gave birth - how does this affect the child? And there is such a common opinion that without a male model a woman is not able to raise either a full-fledged son or a normal daughter - is this true, from your point of view?

Varvara Sidorova: From my point of view, this is not so. Of course, more burden falls on the mother, and the mother must think very carefully about what she herself can give to the child, and what the child should still learn from the man, and how to provide him with such an opportunity. There are things that a boy can learn from men, he should not learn them from his mother. And then the mother’s task is to try to “provide” the child with a man from whom he can learn the necessary things. It could be grandpa, it could be some family friend. A mother can encourage her child's friendship with another child whose father is involved with them a lot. She can find a good section or circle led by a man.

But the mother must understand very clearly that there are things that a woman cannot give, that only a man can give - to both a boy and a girl. It is also true for a girl that she needs a father, because a girl learns her first skills of communicating with men in childhood, when she communicates with a man, preferably with her father. But if there is no father, then - the same as with a boy - there are ways to give the child male models. In addition, the mother should be very careful about what she says about men to the child, what books and TV shows she reacts to, as positive and negative models. And that “all men are bastards” - such a common phrase I came across in practice - the mother of a child should not say under any circumstances.

Tatyana Tkachuk: And we have Raisa Evstafievna on the line from Moscow. Hello.

Listener: Hello, dear interlocutors. In Moscow, on Veselaya Street, house 11, there is a Club of mothers who are called single, but in fact they are heroines, since they raise their children themselves, without the help of their husbands. And they came together to help educate each other. In addition, I think they even have a club of men who help them raise these children. In general, I believe that the way out of the demographic crisis for Russia is single mothers. And the government should take very good care of them.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you for your call. And I immediately have a question for Elena. Elena, is there something similar in Perm, and if not, do you personally have a need for such a club, a need to meet women like you and discuss your problems? Or, on the contrary, would you like to communicate more with two-parent families and not feel like you have any special position?

Elena Zvereva: We don’t have anything like that in Perm. I don’t know if this is unfortunately or for the better? In principle, in our team there are both two-parent families and single-parent families, and I communicate with both, so I don’t think that we should infringe on ourselves in any way and isolate ourselves in our problems. We must live life to the fullest. For what?

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena. And I'm interested in the point of view of one of my guests. Is it right to unite women with one common destiny, one common problem in such clubs? Or should we try to get away from this, Konstantin?

Konstantin Surnov: This is a question about whether single mothers are really that lonely. In fact, it is more likely a mother with many not obvious fathers of her child. That is, these are the people who come and surround her: a teacher, a coach, a pedagogically talented neighbor, a movie character, a president, and finally, her own dad, internalized within her mental world. That is, the problem is not precisely the absence of a male model, but its blurriness and uncertainty, which is especially difficult for a child. And it all very much depends on how friendly the environment is. That is, the self-help club that Raisa Evstafievna spoke about is a typical form that supports a person.

But if we talk about complete adaptation, about making them feel happy in their life scenario, then, of course, we can’t just delve into such clubs, because then it will be sectarianism, which is often not far from rabid feminism, calling for the abolition of all men. This is hardly a good thing.

There is still trauma in Alexander Viktorovich’s voice that there was no father, although, as we said, biological kinship is an accident, and a sports coach or teacher can replace him. Apparently, I think, it is connected with the fact that my mother became a little too strong in her loneliness.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Varvara...

Varvara Sidorova: It seems to me that a lot is passed on to the child from the mother. If the mother herself feels unhappy, if she believes that her loneliness is a sign of her inferiority, then the child will think the same. Therefore, a mother, first of all, should think about her outlook on life, her mental health, and take care of herself. Ultimately, she does this for the child too.

Tatyana Tkachuk: It’s easy to say, “it’s worth thinking about.” Maybe many people think, but if they feel really unhappy, then they live with this feeling.

Varvara Sidorova: Generally speaking, there are ways... If you feel unhappy and talking with your girlfriends does not help, then there are professionals in this regard. Not all of them cost crazy amounts of money; you can go and consult a psychologist, a psychotherapist, or get professional help somewhere.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. Call from Tomsk. Viktor Nikiforovich, we are listening to you.

Listener: Hello. Let me express my opinion. I believe that the phenomenon of single mothers is a purely negative phenomenon, harmful both for society and for the state. It should under no circumstances be encouraged in any form, I mean in a moral form. And in a material form, of course, we need to help, but help specifically the unfortunate children who were born in such a family. And here's why. The nature and society around the child are very diverse. And the more fully he perceives all this, through the greater number of channels - people of different ages and genders, the better and more fully he will perceive it, otherwise he will be one-sided. Therefore, the presence of a father as a teacher is indispensable and obligatory.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Your point of view is clear. Please, Konstantin.

Konstantin Surnov: But what to do, Viktor Nikiforovich, if he is not there?! It is mandatory, but it’s not... Then you need to somehow move on with your life. And families that live according to the “fatherless” scenario have their advantages. I remember that Ernst Hemingway, with such a boyish, carefree heroism that was characteristic of him in his youth, said: “Life breaks everyone. And many only grow stronger at the break.” Some are stronger, some are not, and how many? Who...

Indeed, it is difficult for a woman alone, in many ways it is more difficult - and we hear this in Lena’s voice. But no one will come, disgusting, rude and drunk, no one will tell you with stupid authority: “No, you stand like this...”, no one will take out their bad aggression or mental complexes on your child and on you. With one important caveat - except for yourself. Except for this mother, because there are many difficulties and dangerous consequences in this family - here we can agree with Viktor Nikiforovich - for both the mother and the child. And it is very important how society helps.

But just to say: “This shouldn’t happen”... Well, it shouldn’t, but it does.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. And my question to Elena. Elena, have you ever heard anything similar to what we just heard from a Tomsk listener?

Elena Zvereva: In principle, no. The only thing I agree with is that the state really doesn’t help, but it seems to be fighting the birth rate. And the attitude towards me personally is only positive! That is, I don’t see any sidelong glances or anything else, it’s absolutely excluded.

Tatyana Tkachuk: You see how the question was raised here - in no case from a moral point of view should we encourage the emergence of such families. That is, there is already hidden condemnation and a desire to fight this phenomenon. So you haven't encountered this?

Elena Zvereva: Absolutely. Neither neighbors, nor work colleagues... There is no such thing in my life.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena. Another Tomsk call, Irina Mikhailovna is on the line. Hello.

Listener: Hello. True, I wanted to talk about material problems, but I can also say something about this. Personally, my boss doesn’t like single mothers (even though my son is already 20 years old). But basically I wanted to say that the state has never - neither under Soviet rule, nor now - helped single mothers. But under Soviet rule it was possible to survive, but I can’t imagine how these unfortunate women survive now.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Let’s just ask Elena Zvereva this question, and she will answer it for us if she can.

Elena Zvereva: You know, everyone has their own story. I believe that in our time it is possible to survive very well. My difficulty is that I didn’t have an apartment, and on the eve of the birth of my child, I bought an apartment by taking out a bank loan, and now I’m just paying it off. This is my main difficulty.

Tatyana Tkachuk: As far as I know, Elena, you work, despite the fact that you have a four-month-old child.

Elena Zvereva: Yes, I’m working. My daughter was just over a month old - and I was forced to go to work because I had a bank loan. If it weren’t for this loan, I wouldn’t have, in principle, financial problems. I can support myself by working from home, doing some editorial work, and so on, but this is my example. I don’t have any relatives, basically, I’m alone, my child and my friends.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Elena, please forgive me for asking such a question. And the child’s father doesn’t help at all?

Elena Zvereva: Absolutely.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Does he know that the child was born?

Elena Zvereva: Yes.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you for your answer. We'll have time to take another call. Moscow, Vladimir Sergeevich, hello.

Listener: Hello. I believe that under no circumstances should we promote single mothers, especially those who gave birth without a husband. If the husband has left the family, that’s a different question; we need help here. And for those who doomed their child in advance to be an orphan... Because a child without a father or mother is half an orphan.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you. We understand your position. Varvara, I have a request to answer you. Here are two similar calls, both from men - and a very definite position: under no circumstances should this be encouraged or promoted. Why such a categorical male view on this issue?

Varvara Sidorova: It seems to me that there is a little male anxiety in this: a little more - and women will not need men at all. They will give birth on their own, support themselves, and a man, if he is not good enough mentally, will not be needed. Men have anxiety. And, of course, some things learned. Men have been taught that this is bad. “And how dare they say that they feel good? They are lying,” such men think, thereby raising their self-esteem in some way.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. Konstantin...

Konstantin Surnov: I would venture to add that partly this is not only male, but also psychological anxiety and danger. Today he is a mama's boy, and tomorrow he may turn into a "mama's groom" - the kind of work of art of a single mother that should have a warning written on it: "Warning! Made alone!" Typical male traits are not formed, or are formed very difficult and distorted: healthy aggressiveness, responsibility, special perseverance in achieving goals, and so on.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Konstantin, don’t you think that the subtext of these men’s calls is some kind of subconscious fear, that this has become so easy and so widespread in society, that, in general, from some rather random connection, someone can just like that and give birth - and suddenly the man will face this problem?

Konstantin Surnov: Probably, it could be so. But I think that an adult, educated man lives by the principle “All children are ours.” At least I have met such people and I consider myself one of them. What kind of fathers are these who do not care about their children, whether they were born with their consent or not?

Tatyana Tkachuk: But you cannot not know that there are many of them, Konstantin.

Konstantin Surnov: Yes, but I think - what kind of people are these? For the most part, they are not oligarchs; few of the children of these fathers can write to themselves that “my dad was a poor oil industrialist.” And those who are uneducated, who survive, seem to have no strength for love. But it only seems so.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin.

We have a lot of calls today. And a regular listener of our program, Georgy from St. Petersburg, we are listening to you. Hello.

Listener: Hello. In the 30s of the last century there was a very well-known philosophical and religious movement - the “Roerichites”, from the artist Roerich. I read some of them, and they even suggested that there would be a matriarchy in the future. It seems to me that this is a mistaken opinion, but they had a cult of women. If I were not a man, but a woman, I would quite calmly also have a child, given the impossibility of finding a good husband who would suit me. But it’s impossible to win everything; you have to sacrifice something. For example, I, like many others, grew up without a father - some died at the front, some were shot by our authorities. So this is a common thing in history. I welcome this direction, although I do not believe that it is the only possible one. Thank you.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you. I was very pleased to hear what you said. And in contrast to your call, I want to cite a letter from the USA sent by Andrei, who usually has a very tough position. “In the country where I live,” he writes, “it is fashionable to have good health, a strong family and a good job. What joy is there in constantly promoting negative examples? Being a single mother of one’s own free will is either “my own path” or “to spite everyone I’ll freeze my finger.” People really like to present their problems as victories - the main thing is not to recognize these problems.”

Varvara, it seems to me that this is a fairly typical irritation at someone’s disadvantage, hidden under very beautiful phrases, no?

Varvara Sidorova: It seems to me that, firstly, Andrei is in vain generalizing, considering that all single mothers are necessarily dysfunctional women. Among them there are different ones - both prosperous and disadvantaged. But the fact that he wants to see them as dysfunctional, he sees only dysfunctional people in them, means that he needs to know that there are unhappy people around, and he is very indignant that these unhappy people pretend to be happy. They must admit that they are unhappy - and then, next to unhappy people, he can feel more important, more successful, healthier. These are people who strengthen their self-esteem due to the fact that there are some dysfunctional, unhappy people next to them: to raise themselves by putting others down. And here both generalization and condemnation come into play. And it seems to me that this is not a very constructive position.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. Konstantin...

Konstantin Surnov: Like any generally categorical position. The beauty of Andrey’s letter reminded me of the words from Galich’s song:

"Don't be afraid of scrip, don't be afraid of prison,
No pestilence, no famine.
And the only thing you should be afraid of is
Who will say: “I know how to do it.”

Any such position - only two-parent families, only single mothers - all these “only” greatly impoverish, make the world simpler, on the one hand, and on the other hand, more difficult, cruel and senseless to a large extent.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Tver region, Nikolai Mikhailovich, hello.

Listener: Hello, dear gentlemen. First of all, thank you for another interesting topic. And secondly, this aspect is how you will like it, and how will you evaluate it? I am the father of a child who lives with his mother. Mom ruined our family and in every possible way prevents the child, my son Ivan, from visiting me. In addition, she is setting up... taking revenge on me, in short, for her troubles. I had a hard time tearing Ivan away for one week, we went sailing along Ladoga, in general, the boy was very pleased. Although he is 9 years old, he does not know how to tie his shoelaces, and is poorly adapted - like a boy - to life in general. I believe that this is the implementation, excuse the mildness, of ladies' nonsense. And when I asked my son after the end of our trip: “Well, how are you, son, dad? How do you rate dad (me)?” He says: “Grandmother and mother say that you are bad, but I never believed and will not believe that you are bad.”

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Nikolai Mikhailovich. A slightly different topic, because, as I understand it, there was a marriage and a divorce occurred. We are still talking about single mothers. But the topic is very important. Konstantin, please comment on the call.

Konstantin Surnov: I feel sorry for Ivan and dad, I sympathize. I hope everything will be fine, gradually, slowly at least it will get better. And the theme of how a child becomes a means of manipulation by such a mother, simply a tool, he suffers, and how he can turn from a mother’s boy into a “mama’s groom,” into such a work of art of a single mother. Mom is proud of him, doesn’t let anyone near him, she lives his life, not letting the child live his own life. This is a very big danger. And to marry, say, such a “mama’s groom” is a voluntary journey to hell, and I know such cases from practice.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin, we will definitely discuss this topic further, but now we’ll take a call. Dmitry, hello.

Listener: Hello. My name is Dmitry, and I wanted to ask a single mother of a nine-month-old girl. Tell me, does Orthodoxy solve these issues? After all, there is a godfather, a godmother. Maybe she will solve the problem if she baptizes her child (if she is, of course, Orthodox) - there must be a godfather and a godmother, and they fulfill the duties of the father or mother in the absence of anyone.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you for your question. Elena, the question is addressed to you. If you are ready, answer it.

Elena Zvereva: In principle, I myself am not baptized, but I am going to baptize the child. And I have already selected candidates for both godfather and godmother. But I think that this is somewhat different, and they will not completely replace it. There are a lot of good, kind, decent people around - and they will have a positive influence on my daughter and will make up for everything that she does not receive, so to speak, from one person. In any case, I will make every effort to do this.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena. Konstantin wanted to comment on something.

Konstantin Surnov: Christianity decides, Islam decides, Buddhism, Judaism decide everything. This is a solvable problem. Dad is the one who takes you for a walk in the summer garden, who explains the structure of the world, who loves. Biology is completely optional here. Another thing is that you give everything to just one denomination and think that God will save you... You need to not make mistakes yourself, and for this you need real people - good, responsible and loving. And there are such people.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Moscow, Tatyana is on the line. Hello.

Listener: I’ll start by saying that I’m many years old, I live alone, I have no one. And I can now say quite definitely that I really regret that I did not give birth to a child. Basically, my father played such a role in my destiny - may God forgive him for all this. I grew up in a complete family, but my father behaved in our family in such a way that I developed a negative attitude towards men from him. It is clear that the first communication with a man is communication with the father for a girl. I admire single mothers, I respect them very much, and we simply need to provide them with all kinds of support.

And in my life, when, so to speak, they made an offer to me (if you can call it an offer), I quote one of them. The man says to me: “Well, you should take me to your place, I need to be fed twice a day...” “To your place” also means literally housing. So, why live, firstly, in a complete family, when the father does not behave exactly like that? And secondly: why do we need men like husbands who “need to be fed twice a day”?

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Tatyana, for the call. But right now, after your monologue has been heard, I would like to talk about the fact that behind the admiration with which some of our listeners and my experts talk about single mothers, there is actually a huge set of problems, and all this is far from so simple and not so unambiguous. And I understand the woman who called us that she regrets that, apparently, she missed some opportunity and did not give birth to a child. But I would like her to more clearly imagine how the stages of this long journey would take place.

The decision to give birth is followed by a period of 9 months when the expectant single mother is left alone with her growing belly and the reaction of others to it. It happens that instead of singing affectionate songs to her future son or daughter, she has to answer questions from colleagues and friends about her husband: is he there, where is he, has he left, has not left... Apparently, a feeling of some kind of defectiveness of her own appears, since there is no husband.

Varvara, what happens during these 9 months to the psyche of a pregnant woman and how can this affect the child?

Varvara Sidorova: If we take this aspect of the psyche of a pregnant woman, only this one, then we can, firstly, say that there are no universal stories. There are women who decided to take this step consciously, it was their choice, and they experience it in one way. There are women who are deceived or have been deceived themselves, hoping that pregnancy will help them improve their relationship with the father of this child - they experience this situation differently. In the first case, the woman is proud of her decision and is focused on having a child. She quite quickly develops a system of defensive responses - how to stop unceremonious curiosity. In the second case, of course, questions about her husband always fall on a sore spot and again and again traumatize this woman.

But, in fact, these 9 months are given to this woman in order to prepare for the future time of raising a child, to take her positions in this regard, to define herself in life and, in the end, to understand who among the people who surround her can help her, who treats her with sympathy, who understands her - with whom it is worth getting closer in the future; and who will judge, who will not shake hands, who will not help - and it is better, of course, to stay away from these people, to be more careful.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. And after the period of pregnancy and childbirth comes the period of a children's clinic, a dairy kitchen, a nursery, a kindergarten, and so on. It seems to me that there is no point in relying on the tactfulness of the employees of all of the above institutions (and even more so, as Varvara just said, trying to choose from society those people who treat the situation favorably). Konstantin, it turns out that a woman who gave birth without a husband continues to be in a state of some kind of permanent struggle for her dignity and continues to feel the need to somehow defend herself from voluntary or involuntary attacks. What can this give in the end - a stronger character or a shattered nervous system? It’s difficult to generalize, of course, but from a psychological point of view...

Konstantin Surnov: I wanted to pick up Varvara’s idea that this growing belly is her sign, it’s something similar to the “lantern of Diogenes”, with the help of which she signals to others: “I’m looking for a person.” And there are such people. I just remembered that in the Armenian language there is no concept of “orphan”, that is, there is a word, but it cannot be so that the child is left alone, without the support of friendly men. It is, of course, very difficult to give birth and raise one. But at the same time, this is a very strong incentive for those around us, why do they always talk about it so emotionally, including us and our listeners, about it. This is one of the super-stimuli; it touches the deepest, instinctive pre-settings of a person. And then (remember Hemingway again), will the woman break or will she become stronger at the break, how will she strengthen herself - will she follow the path of forming herself as a psychotic(?) mother and disfigure the child and herself, or will she cope and become worthy of the title of heroine, which has been heard more than once - this is a challenge to a heroic act. And what the outcome will be needs to be decided every time.

Tatyana Tkachuk: It depends on each specific situation. And Valentina called from Moscow. Hello, are you online?

Listener: Hello. You know, I want to say that I just support these women, because not everyone’s life works out. After all, there are women who are married, but are still lonely and still raise children alone, because their husbands work and do not see their family. And these women, perhaps, did not have a family, and it is not their fault that they are lonely, but they do not want to live without continuation of life. Not everyone always succeeds. I am on the side of the man who called you, that it is they who should somehow support us, our society. Because we are a civilized society, and we should not only condemn, as before, but help them. And the man said that there really are godfathers and godmothers. Even if they give birth alone (women and married women give birth alone), they have friends, they even have these godparents - father and mother, and they will always help them.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you. Konstantin, please.

Konstantin Surnov: Indeed, there is greater loneliness and alienation in marriage than outside marriage. A very interesting modern form of marriage is a transit marriage. This is a woman, her children - sometimes from different men, and another man. When male polygamy, invented by journalists, bequeaths him “to the bright distance”, hunting, she lives alone for some time, and then...

Tatyana Tkachuk: There is a version that this was invented by men, not journalists.

Konstantin Surnov: Maybe by male journalists. And then the next husband appears. And if we are talking about adults in the psychological sense of the word, responsible, educated people, this can be a much happier life than in a nominal, poster-beautiful family, where there is nothing inside, everything has burned to the ground - and it is very bad there for both children and adults.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. And my question to Elena. Elena, this is a very delicate question; if you don’t want to, don’t answer. The moment will come sooner or later when Maya will ask her first question about dad. I once broadcast about the need to maintain the secrecy of adoption, and quite authoritative psychologists argued in my studio that a child, any child, has the right and should know the truth about his birth. In the case of the absence of a father due to the fact that the father of this child simply did not want it, should the child know who his father is? How are you going to resolve this issue?

Elena Zvereva: At the moment, after the financial problem, this is the second problem for me. And I just thought a lot about this, talking with friends who are raising their children alone, whose children are simply older. I asked how they did it. I will analyze many situations and choose something for myself. Now I cannot specifically answer this question.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena. Let us then listen to both Varvara and Konstantin, because after all, we have two psychologists in the studio, and they will tell us something about this purely professionally. Please, Varvara.

Varvara Sidorova: I am a supporter of the fact that there should be as few secrets as possible in the family. Another thing is that when you tell a child the truth, you must understand that you are telling it to a child, and you must say it in such words and in such terms that it is clear to the child what is being said. As a rule, questions about where dad is, who is dad, arise for the first time 3-4 years ago. That is, the child already has some skill in interacting with other children, with other people, he already knows that relationships can be different, and you can tell him that there are such situations that, say, two children were playing, and then went home and no longer want to be together. Your dad and I don’t want to be together, we broke up, but I’m very glad that I have you. And the child must be emphasized that the mother is glad that he was born, that she wanted him, she was waiting for him. And with my father - well, well, such communication did not work out, they broke up.

In some cases this can be presented, there are cases where women say that your father loved you very much, but learned that he could not be a good father. And the highest step of love is to give up your child so as not to harm him, so he disappeared from our lives.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. Konstantin...

Konstantin Surnov: You need to tell the truth, only the truth, but at every stage of life the truth that a child can understand. And it is very important not to “trample down” dad when building these explanatory systems, to always leave some assumption that perhaps he will come, now he has moved away, but this may change. Life is big.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Anna Pavlovna from Moscow is on the line. We are listening to you.

Listener: Hello. I was somewhat offended by your male psychologist’s comment. I am a single mother myself, my son is 20 years old. This is about finding a man to serve as an example, a worthy role model. Great idea, I tried it. But the fact is that there are very few male teachers, not all children, let’s say, love sports and are passionate about it, there are children of a different type. And moreover, when trying to start a family in the future, it is much more difficult for a young woman with a boy to do this, even if it is a girl. Even if a man is ready to enter into an alliance with a woman with someone else’s child, then once I even heard this: “If only you had a girl...” Moreover, my friend, who did get married, her boy grew up - and very serious conflicts began.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Anna Pavlovna, we understand your question. Please, Konstantin Surnov.

Konstantin Surnov: I agree with you, Anna Pavlovna, that we need to look. I didn't say it was easy to find. Firstly, there are no ready-made “halves” at all. Just as a person is “made” and educated, so is a partner, especially a spouse, in life. And simply removing it from the Internet or simply from the Mutual Help Club is very doubtful. And I think that, say, the gender of the child does not play a special role here. Here you have a boy, but if it were a girl it would be easier - I doubt it.

Tatyana Tkachuk: You know, I heard from many men the exact opposite point of view: that it’s clear what to do with the boy...

Konstantin Surnov: There is some subtext here, perhaps psychoanalytic. I know the statistics that more than a third of teenage pregnancies are from stepfathers. We can talk a lot about this, and this is the topic of another program, a more complex question. But I would still insist that this explains everything - it is impossible to say so. Decide, knock and they will open, seek and you will find. And there is no need to explain everything only by the gender of the child, as well as by nationality, age, and so on. These are very simple and incorrect explanations.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Varvara...

Varvara Sidorova: I will say a banality: that life is full of different possibilities. And if we cannot find a person who could be a male model for a child, not a husband for ourselves, it actually means that we simply do not have enough imagination, we cannot get out of the corridor of some familiar positions, familiar actions, familiar places. You need to think about what, perhaps, unexpected act you can do - where your child can find a male model for himself. Yes, he doesn’t like sports, but it never happens that he is not friends with anyone and is not interested in anything. Surely opportunities exist. After all, he might be interested in something.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. And I would like to have time to talk about this. I found the following statistics, they are for the Republic of Mordovia, but for some reason it seems to me that they would be the same for approximately any region of Russia. 992 families of single mothers with children were studied, and it turned out that 228 families have grandparents who actively help children and grandchildren, that is, this is not quite total loneliness. Of this total, 43 fathers - 992 families - help their children. And only 18 such mothers actually live with the child’s father, without registering a relationship, the percentage is scanty - 18 out of 992. Konstantin, do these figures indicate that a woman initially chooses a person for the role of the child’s father who will then not want to have anything to do with this child?

Konstantin Surnov: I think that such women exist in Mordovia and everywhere. But I don't think they are the future. This is still more like that rabid feminism calling for the abolition of men in general - I don’t think it will ever win. And as for the fact that a certain number of men do not care about the child at all, well, indeed, a man who is himself uneducated, ill-mannered, who has never been loved himself, who barely survives (these are not millionaires) - it seems to him that he has no strength for love. In fact, he has strength, but he, this man, was not taught to love in his time - so he doesn’t love.

I think the main good news is that this situation is fluid, it's not forever. Life is long, people are like rivers. A person grows throughout his life, changes, and to think that if he is like this - an alcoholic or a rude person, an oligarch or a homeless person - then this will always be the case - this is wrong, there is always a continuation.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Konstantin. Petersburg, Alexander is on the line. Hello.

Listener: Good afternoon. I was somewhat struck by the phrase coming from women: “I want to have a child for myself.”

Konstantin Surnov: I also noticed this.

Listener: In my opinion, you need to give birth to a child for the child - and then the question itself disappears: a single mother, a complete family... It is this criterion - not to give birth to a child as the completion of one’s inferiority, a failed life in marriage: I have not found a man - I will complete myself with the help of maternal instinct, I will feel a certain social status in this society. It is clear that society needs cannon fodder and working hands, however, when there is this criterion - to give birth to a child for a child and to understand that it does not matter how the family is, as long as the child feels good - this is the only criterion in this aspect.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Alexander. Konstantin Surnov reacted very violently to your call, I give him the microphone.

Konstantin Surnov: Thank you, Alexander, you helped me, because I did not have time to react when Tatyana, who was unlucky with the formation of the image of a man with her father, said: “I regret that I did not give birth to a child.” This is very dangerous; it’s not up to you to give birth to a child. It is necessary to give birth to a child so that he lives a happy life and so that he feels good, so that he has the right to be something different. Therefore, I am very grateful to Alexander.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you. Elena, you are listening to our entire discussion taking place in the studio. What thoughts does it evoke in you, with whom would you like to argue or object?

Elena Zvereva: You know, I am very grateful and grateful to you that I participated in this program. This, as it turned out, is a very big moral support for me. The comments I heard from psychologists were very important to me. And, in principle, nothing has changed in my views, what kind of life I live, what kind of people I encounter, and I encounter them mainly with a friendly attitude towards myself... By and large, everything is fine with me, and with my child. And I'm happy.

Tatyana Tkachuk: Thank you, Elena, we wish you happiness and we wish Maya happiness. And we’ll take another call from Moscow, from Natalya. Hello.

Listener: Hello. I wanted to discuss a lot of aspects. In particular, as a child, my father seized me from my mother, therefore, as I later found out from Berne’s book “The Art of Loving,” a person needs both conditional love, which is usually from the father, and unconditional love, which is given by the mother. I want, in my opinion, to correct all men who believe that women give birth to a child for themselves. A woman gives birth because, it seems to me, she naturally has a greater need to give to herself. And so she gives birth to a creature to whom she can give herself if she does not have a man.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Natalya. Varvara...

Varvara Sidorova: I just want to continue Natalya’s thought and say that a woman, giving birth to a child, of course, fills the inner emptiness. But then, when the child grows up, the time comes to let him go - the woman must think about what to fill her inner world with, besides the child. And this is especially important for single mothers, because other women can fill the void with a husband, but a single mother must learn to fill her inner world while the child grows up.

Tatiana Tkachuk: Thank you, Varvara. I am very sorry that today we did not have time to talk about the peculiarities of the relationship between mother and child in such a union, but, apparently, this is a topic for a separate conversation. We will make a separate broadcast.

In Japan, only 1 percent of babies born out of wedlock are born. You can’t help but think: either Asian cultural and family traditions are much stronger than European ones, or do Japanese men love children so much that they do not allow their child to be left without a father? In the rest of the world, unfortunately, the number of single mothers continues to grow...