Pars Integralis I

Once I dreamed that I was walking through familiar places, through a countryside area fenced off from the river by a dense coniferous forest, and something was happening all the time, there was bustle everywhere: cars were driving, water was rushing to the shore, people for some reason were walking in huge numbers along the road through the forest, and so on. I had no involvement in this. I recognized people in the crowd walking through the forest, but I myself did not interact with them in any way. At the end of the dream, I went to the shore and saw even more people, an unnatural number for such places, but I still didn’t talk to anyone.

I watched what was happening without interfering with what was happening. Nothing depended on me; if I wasn’t there, no one would have noticed it. I liked this feeling and wanted to repeat it. I arrived at a large square in my city at rush hour, there were a lot of people. I felt about the same as in the dream: alienation and meaninglessness, but at the same time freedom. I can leave at any moment, and no one will notice, remember me, or come near me, and the same will happen to everyone else. It's almost a feeling of real freedom - just observing, just not having to choose between anything imaginable.

Even then, in distant times, when what was described happened, I was constantly visited by the feeling that I wanted the wrong things, that I should want what those who seemed to me wanted were different, better, more worthy of life. I imposed other desires on myself, listened to different music, read different things, watched different things. I watched the film because it was “cult,” because “you need to know,” although I absolutely did not care about its content, but I convinced myself: you should watch it. I listened to music that I didn’t like at all, but I convinced myself: smart people whom I admire like it, this is one of the stages of your becoming different.

For some reason, I was sure that this would work, and that I would become a different person if I began to pass through another level of culture through myself. But this turned out not to be the case, and a sensual yoke hung over me, constantly reminding me: this is not what you need. Life for me seemed like an ocean of necessity: I must, I am obliged, I need to go against myself in order to change something, and so on.

Now I live in anxiety and cannot relax, I am ashamed that I relax. When I work and don’t relax, I am ashamed that I don’t feel pleasure from work, that someone would do it with reverence, but I do it through force. When I do what I like, I feel ashamed that I don't do it perfectly. The seed of this was sown a long time ago, and I am no longer able to understand the reasons for my complete uncertainty.

But deep down I have a feeling that this worry has no meaning either. That I need to deny myself, move on to truly human existence - to the absence of choice, to free being. Towards a life where I do not choose how to act, I simply act in accordance with the form and logic of things, in an individually determined way, as a form of my subjectivity. I no longer worry about feeling something, I choose how I want to feel, I can feel anything despite the sensations. I no longer live to sell myself in the human market, now I look only at the present, live life to the fullest and create the future. I don't choose what I eat - I eat what I have. I don’t need to turn to psychoactives to suppress thoughts, I enjoy the very process of thinking and am surprised at everything new that comes to my mind, and it comes on its own, without my choice, I don’t do anything to make ideas arise on their own, because endless creative interest is now my natural and permanent state. My insomnia is due to ideas that I am not afraid of not realizing, I am no longer afraid of anything. I deleted all social networks, I now only know one person. I no longer have people to talk to about one thing, another, a third. I have no brothers, sisters, friends, comrades - I no longer worry about what I should do with this or that person tomorrow. There is one person in my life, and I taught him everything from scratch: I breathed new life into him from scratch and was everything for him: father, mother, sister, brother, friend, enemy. I have already experienced all possible roles in my head and realized them inside in merging with myself, and these roles were experienced by this person. In him, as in me, a spark of microcosm arose, in him the whole of human history happened in a year, just as evolution takes place in a woman’s body in 9 months, taking nature millions of years. I don’t get tired of anything: I feel everything as if for the first time, and every day I get to know my person in a new way, sometimes it’s difficult for me to cope with his limitlessness, because it’s so difficult to cope with mine. I'm starting to have difficulty mastering my infinity. I resort to society with only one true goal: through it to understand my universality. I go to school and systematize my infinity, I go to the university and penetrate into its individual essences, into large clusters of soul forms within myself, in order to embrace my Concept with them. Finally, the anarchy of my ideas ceases to be a burden for me, it becomes a tool for the universalization of my consciousness. There are no people I like or dislike. We are all one person for each other, understood in our feelings and thoughts. We stopped dividing each other into types, choosing relationships and connections. We simply observe the world and each other, inspiring the lives of others with our lives. Such a world does not need authorities and rulers: the world is finally realized as a continuation of the human soul, and the order of the soul itself, without the intervention of external motivations, turns into order in society and the world. I no longer have to think about how to live further: now life is completely in my hands, and I do whatever I want with it.

But now I don't want to live like this. I'm happy with a different life.