Translated material
Manifesto of the network morgue
Network markets...
Network markets are beginning to self-organize faster than the companies that traditionally served them. Thanks to the web, markets are becoming postmodern, deconstructionist, non-hierarchical and a bunch of other scientific words that we will also publish soon.
...People of Uranus
The heavens are open to the stars. The clouds revolve around us day and night - well, it seems to me that when they revolve around us, the heavens are not very open to the stars. One way or another, there are ebbs and flows in the ocean. Whatever you think, this is our world and you better listen to us. No matter what they tell you, our flags fly freely. There will be no end to our diatribe. People of Uranus, remember.
95 theses
1. Markets are conversations. Conversations are markets. The markets are him, just as you are us, and we are all together .
2. Markets are made up of people, not demographic sectors. Demographic sectors are made up of people, not markets. Humans are made up of myriads of microscopic organisms, all spinning around at the same time.
3. Conversations between people sound like myriads of microscopic organisms that are spinning all at the same time. They are conducted by human voices, even if you are shouted down by the evil voice of a neophyte.
4. When communicating information, opinion, forecast, objection or telling anecdotes, human voices tend to be open, natural, and sincere.
5. Not ours, buddy.
6. The Internet gives people the opportunity to have conversations that were not possible in the mass media era. How many newsgroups with naked photos of Pamela Anderson Lee could you find twenty years ago?
7. Use force, Luke.
markets 8. Both in Internet and in the intranet environment , people communicate with each other using italics in huge quantities .
9. These conversations in italics allow us to demonstrate our knowledge of HTML.
10. Don't run with sharp knitting needles, you might poke your eye out.
11. People in online markets realized that they were more likely to get quality information and support from a rock than from most Linux distributors.
12. There are no secrets. Network markets know more than companies about their latest products. So let them develop their own bullshit and screw their stock, okay?
13. Whatever happens to markets happens to employees. The metaphysical construct " Borg " is the only thing that stands between the two.
14. Corporations do not speak the same language as these new online conversations. Companies speak to their online target audiences in an insincere, monotone, essentially inhumane manner, just like Al Gore .
15. Within just a few years, the monotonous "voice" of business today - the voice of memos and brochures - will seem as insincere and artificial as the language of online manifestos.
16. Already, companies that speak the language of advertising are seeing shares of their enterprises quadruple on the very first day of trading.
17. If you use a lot of long words, like “metaphysical,” you can stretch four or five ideas into 95 theses.
18. Companies that don't understand that their markets are now networked, connecting people, that they are becoming more flexible and fully engaged in talking about the resonant possibilities inherent in the online community and the reserves of distributed, self-organizing potential based on mutual empathy rather than establishing strict hierarchies.
19. Companies can now communicate with their markets directly through the Internet, whereas previously they could only communicate indirectly through face-to-face meetings.
20. Authors of manifestos must realize that their readers often laugh. Above them.
21. Companies need to stop putting on airs and take themselves less seriously. They need to find a sense of humor.
22. A sense of humor does not imply high standards, a minimum of humility, sincerity of dialogue and a clear point of view. It means jokes, idiots.
23. Companies trying to “position” need to take a position. Optimally, this position should relate to something that is truly important to their markets.
24. Arrogant boasting - "We are publishing a manifesto that will change human civilization" - is not a position.
25. Companies need to come down from their dizzying heights and communicate with the teeming pack of consumers.
26. Keep your restrooms open to the public. Employees should wash their hands before leaving.
27. By speaking from a distance, in an unappetizing and arrogant manner, you may find yourself in the same position as us.
28. Most marketing programs are based solely on whims. Yeh-ha!
29. Elvis said it best: “I think I’m going to throw up.”
30. Brand loyalty is the corporate version of a long-term romance, but the breakup is inevitable - and it's not easy to achieve. Instead of breaking up, I would prefer peace again.
31. Online markets may change suppliers unexpectedly. Networked employees may demand cocaine at lunch. A few doses taught us to ask the question, "Loyalty? What is this?"
32. Flexible markets will find suppliers who speak Mandarin. Hey, what do you have there, 12 billion Chinese?
33. Learning to speak human language is not a trick for classrooms. This is gained at some luxurious conferences - which cannot be said about us.
34. To speak humanly, companies must share the concerns of their target communities. Unless, of course, the company is the cause for concern.
35. To begin with, however, they must belong to these communities. Communities with big expensive houses, gaudy cars and a couple of fancy golf clubs.
36. Companies should ask themselves where their corporate ethics have gone.
37. What if you find out that your company has less ethics than a cup of yogurt?
38. Human communities are based on discourse - on human conversation about human problems. Dung beetle communities are based on reliable information.
39. The community of discourse is the market. And you can’t write the word “discourse” without “disk”.
40. Companies that do not belong to conversational communities will die out. I suppose we will all have to leave this world sooner or later.
41. Companies have created a religion around security, but it's basically a giant red herring. Do you understand how rude it is to deify a giant red herring?
42. As in online markets, people within the company talk directly to each other - and not only about rules and regulations, board orders and notes to them, but also about which secretary walks better.
43. Such conversations occur today in corporate local networks. But only when conditions allow. For example, when the boss is not around.
44. Companies tend to organize hierarchical local networks in order to pass down their directives and other corporate information that employees try their best to ignore. And, damn it, their strength does not leave them.
45. Elvis said it best: “This suit is too small for me.”
46. A healthy intranet organizes employees in many senses of the word. Its effect is more radical than the chili pepper enema.
47. Although companies are scared to death, they are very dependent on open local networks when it comes to finding someone to blame. And make them pay.
48. In cases where corporate local networks are not bound by fear and formalism, the conversation they generate is strongly reminiscent of the squealing of pigs at a pork market.
49. Charts and tables worked in the old economy, where plans were completely clear. Today, most employees make plans no clearer than NATO's military plans.
50. Today, charts and tables are linked and not hierarchical. Try to figure out who needs to apply for leave.
51. The command and control style of management has its cause and effect in bureaucracy, and is quite funny when used in combination with a leather belt and handcuffs.
52. Paranoia kills conversation. Conversation kills independent thought. Independent thought kills paranoia. One two Three!
as soon as possible 53. In any case, find Boardwalk and Park Place .
54. I feel somehow unwell. Almost invariably, the cause is traced back to the expired egg salad I ate for lunch.
55. As a snack, these salads are destructive. Excellent as a slug repellent.
56. Elvis said it best: “I could use more stimulants.”
57. Flexible companies will get out of the way and help us escape from here as highly paid “hallucination consultants.”
58. If the desire to get out of the way is taken as an IQ unit, then opossums are simply geniuses.
59. Millions of people online, albeit subconsciously, want to be naked next to us.
60. This is suicide. We look disgusting naked.
61. It's unfortunate that the part of the company that the network market wants to talk to is usually in the bathroom when they get the call.
62. Markets do not want to communicate with agents and peddlers. They just want to have fun. Ohoho, they want to have fun.
63. Down with the masks, let’s be ourselves: are you free on Friday night?
64. We want access to your corporate information, your plans and strategies, your best minds, your genuine knowledge. Our company here, your main competitor, is selling its first share of shares next week.
65. We are also the employees who make your companies work. We want to speak directly to customers in our own voices, without platitudes written in a rambling manifesto.
66. We - the markets, the employees - are sick to death of controlled information. Why do we need faceless annual reports and second-rate market research if we can bore each other to death without them?
67. We - markets, employees - would like to know why you are not listening to us. You seem to speak a different language. Hey, you - yes, you, I'm talking to you.
68. The pompous professional jargon you spit, full of self-consciousness of your own greatness, is you spitting at us, understand?
69. You probably impress investors. It's possible that you're making an impression on Wall Street. But you definitely don't impress that tall blonde from the investment firm.
70. If you don't impress us, investors go to the bathroom. After reading this you will want to have it.
71. Your worn-out concepts about the “market” will blind our eyes. We do not recognize ourselves in your projections - probably because we are not able to recognize ourselves in the process of identifying suspects in the police.
72. We like this new market much better. Unfortunately, it is impossible to describe the matrix - the matrix must be seen.
73. We invite you, but this is our world. At the threshold, take off your shoes, barbarians. If you want to establish an exchange with us, bring a camel!
74. We are immune to your advice. We are quite aware of what we are doing here. C-c-change.
75. Never count sack running into the game score.
76. We have ideas for you. Um, for example, you could, well, um, hold big free concerts and give out all sorts of souvenirs there.
77. Are you too busy with your work to answer an e-mail? Fine. We will spam you until the end of time.
78. Do you want money from us ? We want money from you .
79. We want you to come out of your trance, get out of your neurosis and get into ours.
80. Don't worry, you can make money. Just ask us first.
81. Have you ever noticed how one-dimensional and boring money itself is? Why don't you give us yours?
82. Your product is broken. Why? Because you're stupid?
83. We want you to take 50 million of us as seriously as one reporter from The Utne Reader .
84. We know someone from your company. They are complete idiots, just like you.
85. If we have questions, we ask each other. Don't think we're gay or anything - if you didn't keep "your people" in line, maybe they'd be a little more open to other sexuality, too.
86. When we're not busy playing the role of your "target market", we're fucking your wife. That's it!
87. It would be good if you understood what is happening here. It would be simply wonderful. Because if you understood, you would tell us.
88. I thought my razor was dull until I re-read this page.
89. We have real power, and we know it - clap your hands. We have real power, and we know it - clap your hands. We have real power, and we know it, and we will show it to you.
90. Even at its worst, our newly opened conversation is more interesting than you idiots.
91. We are true to ourselves, not to you, fools.
92. Don't run with scissors.
93. We are inside and outside companies. We gnaw rocks, devour mountains, live longer than trees. Who are we?
94. Traditional corporations can be confused by online conversations and the conversations can be confusing. But since they're paying us a lot of money for consulting, we'll find out what it's all about.
Translated from English by Nastic Gryzunova