On respecting the rights of edible citizens

Our ancestors, free shepherds of Arcadia, did not eat their fellow citizens every day, but only during the annual celebration in honor of Apollo, the wolf god, patron of cattle breeders, hunters and killers. The shepherds gathered on Lyceum Hill and cooked a stew of lamb and human flesh in a large cauldron. The one who first came across a piece of human flesh went down the hill to the lake, left his clothes on the shore and swam to the other shore - to which he climbed out, already turned into a wolf. A year later, the wolf swam across the lake again, turned into a man, took his clothes and went home. It is known that one of these werewolves became the winner of the Olympic Games.

Today's social-trophic connections, unfortunately, are not determined by any considerations of a higher order, and therefore violations often occur not only of the rules of good taste, but also of the inalienable rights of edible citizens. Let's go to any restaurant on the embankment, where they cook "boy on a spit" and "woman in her own juice." Almost everywhere we will notice that boys are impaled on spits and given obscene positions. The owners of the establishments do this quite deliberately in order to attract Athenian tourists. Need I remind you that such publicity stunts are offensive to heterosexual minorities, whose representatives, for the most part, are the parents of boys!

But what can we say about eateries for tourists: even in the “Hyperborean Bazaar,” the central and most (seemingly) respectable restaurant in Arcadia, our correspondent was served Solomon’s Soup, prepared with the grossest deviations from political correctness. Firstly, the babies in the soup were not Jewish, but Ethiopian. And secondly, they were cut not lengthwise, but crosswise ! The leadership of the Jewish community of Arcadia is preparing to file a lawsuit with the Areopagus to initiate proceedings against the "Hyperborean Bazaar". By the way, another lawsuit from the Jewish community has been under consideration in the Areopagus for a whole year - regarding kosher sausage from the ends (KKK). Let us recall that a year ago, a KKK, rolled in the shape of a circle, appeared on the shelves of meat aisles. Representatives of the Jewish community were rightly indignant: the KKK loaf must be perfectly straight, since it is used for ritual purposes (within the framework of phallic Hasidism, for example). The butchers made excuses by referring to the method of transportation: it turns out that the KKK circles were transported on a stick! Phallic Hasidim, having heard about such an unacceptable perversion, tried to inflict physical violence on the butchers (followed by eating), but the League of Edible Citizens opposed this: the League’s charter does not provide for the membership of butchers and cooks.

The problem, however, is not limited to butchers and cooks. Gross violations are allowed not only during preparation, but also during consumption of human dishes. Constantinople students specially come to Arcadia to order an old man with horseradish at the “Hyperborean Bazaar” and mockingly read the sacred hymn of Gerontophilus of Sinope “You are still alive, my old lady” over him. Tourists from Bulgar never tire of telling Arcadian girls that the word “virgin” sounds like “bun” in Bulgar (and virgins should never be consumed together with flour products). But the most regrettable thing is, of course, not the rude antics of tourists. What is most alarming is our inhumane attitude towards each other. Butchers (apparently out of envy) call edible citizens “kebabs,” “donuts,” and even a word similar in meaning to the word “excrement,” hinting at the fate that awaits each edible citizen. The society of Brahman bullfighters refuses to accept edible citizens into its ranks: they say, it is not proper for edibles to kill inedibles. The doormen of many catering establishments do not allow edible citizens into these establishments: “Go to the kitchen!” - the doormen scoff (we assume that these outrages are happening with the consent of the owners of the establishments). Finally, instead of the politically correct designation “food-Arcadian,” disparaging vulgar words like “stew” and “carcass” flash in some media.

Should we be surprised at the tactless antics of foreigners when we don’t respect ourselves? Is it worth condemning the stupid Spartans, lazy Hyperboreans, fat Constantinople and even the Theban followers of Oedipus just because they do not know our ancient customs? We ourselves have long forgotten these customs, turning human sacrifice into a banal - graceless - satisfaction of animal instincts, and a ritual sacrifice - into a victim of discrimination.

Urgent: Throwing midget union calls for political correctness

Short Americans who take passive part in dwarf throwing competitions (that is, as projectiles) are outraged by the occurrence of offensive nicknames used against them. Completely unacceptable, from the point of view of short Americans, are such nicknames as “pygmy ball” or “pygmyball”, “under-angel” and “Munchausen shrimp”. Acting through their union, the Throwing Short Americans issued a series of press statements demanding that they be called, in accordance with their profession, "Throwing Dwarfs" or "Meta Dwarfs" for short.