Moscow said goodbye to human rights activist Larisa Bogoraz. Before her death, she wrote an auto-obituary

In recent years, so many of my dear, beloved friends have gone, as they say, into another world, and I had to write an obituary for each of them: “Lara, you knew him (her) better than anyone else, and you can write better than anyone else...” And you won’t refuse - after all, it would be like refusing to pay your last debt to a departed friend, as if you don’t grieve for him, don’t want to remember him with a kind word... And write one obituary after another, finding new, unworn words every time - believe me , the occupation is not only very difficult mentally, but also exhaustingly difficult. So you write, one after another, sometimes you even volunteer... You inevitably think: Lord, if only my turn would come sooner, and then let others suffer, then they will know what it is.

And so I decided: no, I don’t want anyone close to me to suffer because of me. “Let me write my own obituary. It will be beyond competition, since I’m doing it myself.”

This very idea seemed to remove the veil of sad solemnity from the event of death, giving it a somewhat farcical shade. Why not? After all, Kolcheruky turned his own wake into a charming, not at all solemn performance, without any pomposity, without the obligatory grief on the faces befitting a sad event, without suppressed sobs in the voices... And I want it that way! Here I will write an obituary corresponding to my plan! I started it in this style. But, thank God, I write extremely slowly, until I got to the middle and had time to think and come to my senses.

But really, why have fun? Death is a rather serious event and, believe me, really sad. And if someone wants to cry about this, let them cry openly, and someone should openly smile, remembering something pleasant about the person leaving.

If only there was no deliberateness or compulsion in either one or the other. There would be no deception.

Now I want to write my obituary in this tone. Just to be in time: after all, no one knows either the day or the hour. Well, I won’t have time, I’ve already set the tone.

So, death is an important and sad event. I, dear, loved ones, am sad to be separated from you, as you probably are from me. True, it’s still easier for me than for many: I can’t say that I believe, but I still hope someday, I hope that it won’t be very soon (but what does “not soon” mean for eternity?). Meet you at a new stage of life, each at your own day and hour. Some of you, God forbid, may get ahead of me, but I still hope to meet everyone and those who have already left. My God! But this will be such happiness that I dare not demand, but only hope for.

But while I, still alive, am writing this obituary, let me tell you something important for me, and maybe for you too. I lived for a long time and sinned a lot, causing pain and evil to some of you. I remember all of these sins of mine, but I will not talk about them now: I am not a supporter of public repentance. I will repent before the Almighty - and I ask you, my near and far, to forgive me my guilt before you, “as I, a sinner, forgive our enemies” - to everyone who thinks that he is guilty of something before me. I give you my word that I don’t remember anyone’s guilt, but only my own. Forgive and farewell.

I also want to say that I was happy in my life. Fate gave me all of you, your friendship and love and my love for you. If there is a reason, other than purely biological fear, why I would not want to leave, it is that I do not want to be separated from you. But each of us is mortal, and each of us knows about the upcoming separation. All that remains is to come to terms with it.

And what I also regret is that I will not know, I will not see with my own eyes, how the life of my younger descendants, living today and who have not yet come into this life, will be arranged. My life, one might say, has taken place, and it has taken place, although not easily, but, as I already said, more happily than I deserved. And you, my dears, still have to live your own difficult life. Don't complain, don't get discouraged. As they say, God sends us trials and He gives us the strength to overcome them.

Hold on! Hoping for a not too soon meeting, always your loving Larisa, your friend, mother, grandmother, great-grandmother.