Bad advice on the eve of the anniversary

There lived an old grandfather in the village,
I gave myself advice.

If you published a newspaper
And you scold the authorities there
And it, boiling with anger,
Sends for you
Take a fatty herring
(You will have to open the door with your foot)
And with a gift to the Orthodox
Feel free to move towards him.
And when in the office
The rushed boss
The last faint squeak will be made,
Put on a kind face.
Pointing to the newspaper
Sing in a pleasant baritone:
They say, here it is, paper,
To wrap the herring.
Instantly enlightened,
The boss will straighten his shoulders
And he will issue a special decree
Increase your circulation.

If you are facing protection
You are waiting for an answer from your opponents,
And they, as if on command,
They wrote the word "h-no",
Feel free to contact the judges.
There's no way people can
Write the same thing
This means there is plagiarism somewhere.
And while the bailiff
Will carry out the decision
If you make a fuss,
You'll get promoted to academics.

Sequence a colleague
You have to be very careful
You never know ahead
What will creep out from there?
And when the wall hits the wall
Genes fight in the hallway
So, somewhere on the sidelines
They're sequencing you...

If a student comes to you
In the neckline to take the exam,
Are you up for this cruel joke?
Never be fooled.
And with all my cynicism
Ask her questions
About breasts about diseases
Heterogeneous Drosophila.
And at the future test
It will be easier for you to work:
The “smart” ones will come in stockings -
After all, there are no diseases in the legs.

If needed for a report
Introduce a new virus to you
Or some crap
Of unknown kinship,
Take your time, test tubes
Wash with triple cologne,
Look calm
On a large desktop.
Collect the cups in a pile,
First arrange by year,
And which is older - There it will be found.

If you, erasing formulas from the blackboard with a rag,
Somehow he yawned very indecently and desperately,
Look around the rows of students, quietly ask for forgiveness -
After all, you may have inadvertently woken up someone.

If you have glass doors
Didn't notice on the way
And, thinking about the eternal,
I just hurt my forehead a little,
You can call yourself Professor,
But not yet a mathematician,
A mathematician would gracefully
Slipped through the wall.

If your index has risen
To an unheard of level,
They have to compare themselves with friends,
Right word, not wrong.
Just make sure first
That your friends are cool
They know what an index is.
There would be no embarrassment.

There is a simple explanation
How does the sign work:
“If you met an astronomer,
There will definitely be rain."
These dark creatures
Particles sow chaos
Condensation settles on them,
Light rain falls.

If suddenly the pit bull starts up
Among laboratory mice,
And bites you on the thighs,
And it prevents mice from sleeping,
I don't recommend kicking
Drive the fiend to the trash heap
Or dissolve into pulp -
It is on your balance sheet.
It’s better that you respect him
Offer a deputy position
And from now on all the problems
Yours will be resolved.
They will bite you on the thighs
Anyone who is dissatisfied with something,
But we need to be stricter with mice,
There's no point sleeping in the service.

If you are in the dining room in the morning
Original broth
Barman with an angelic face
I poured the cup full,
Eat half
And start immediately
Make fish, birds, animals,
Cro-Magnons are a corpulent row.
If your condition
Requires, quickly, brine,
A helpful bartender
He will bring it with understanding.
With this potion you can also
Work as a Demiurge.
The strains here are a little simpler,
But my head is clearer.

If somehow this happened,
That I had a fight with my friend,
And the other one is at the resort,
And I’m too lazy to go to others,
Devote yourself to science
For a week - for another,
And your biographer will announce
This is the Golden Age.

If you are with a friend mentally
You ferment in the bathhouse next door,
And the director calls
To the scientist for advice,
Tell him: “I’m stuck in a traffic jam,
There are dashing adversaries here
All roads were blocked
Stand here until evening.”
But it could turn out this way
(Probability allows)
What colleagues on the council
Also wrapped in a bathhouse.
And the director alone
At a large mirrored table,
Sighing, he will say to the driver:
“To the bathhouse, or something, since it’s like that...”
The bosses will be removed at once,
The secretariat will tighten up,
Accounting with stamp
Blue face paint.
And such a traffic jam will come out
Near this very bathhouse,
Your friend will throw up his hands:
“Here you are, shaman!”

If in a Siberian city
The conference is taking place
And then in the Altai mountains
The constant picnic
Take a walk in the surrounding meadows,
is growing there Cannabis ,
And Papaver on the hill,
And under the pride of a fly agaric.
You take...
But it's better
You move on calmly
And don't pretend that you know
How to use this.

If you're editing a graduate student
His first article
Which co-author are you listed as -
It's easier to board a galley.
It's ninety percent
The red ones will have to blot out,
And then green on top
Just enough to write.
You can do smarter things.
Popping into the supermarket,
There, in the dust, in the bookstore
Get a dictionary of antonyms.
The graduate student will replace in the text
All words begin with antonyms,
And it remains to be corrected
Ten percent of everything.

If you need a student
As a work assistant,
It's better to get yourself a blonde
I'll explain why:
If it turns out to be a klutz
Or the numbers will become confusing,
It won't hurt you so much -
Well, what a demand from a blonde!

If suddenly you are asked
According to your native science,
Where are you known as a luminary,
Read basic course,
Don't panic, it's better
Remember where the library is
Charm the snake at the counter
And he got a textbook.
Start writing notes
Understanding a bunch of formulas
Curse with terrible words
Those who wrote this.
But don’t be zealous in the latter,
Specify in any case:
Maybe on the cover
It will be your name.

If you are on LiveJournal
Khomyachkov decided to amuse
Can you gossip about science?
Tell it in faces, in colors.
If you want them, dear ones,
lead to paroxysms,
Give me a photo from a corporate party,
Where did you fall from the chair?

If suddenly at a birthday
Strasbourg pie is imperishable
Between cheese and compote,
As expected, they will give
Put a piece in your pocket
Sequence at your leisure -
Definitely long-awaited
You will find the immortality gene.

OH.