Translated material
Clown for Drama Theater
"Parsley" from Viktor Shenderovich
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An examples under the orchestral loss on the stage two clowns appear - thick and lanky: one with a centimeter on the neck, the other with a notebook. They begin to measure and examine Peter Petrovich - one says, the other writes out. Tolstoy. One hundred sixty nine. Eighty two. (Looks in the mouth.) Thirty -one. (Bends by the pulse.) Seventy per minute. (Looks into the eyes.) Gray eyes. (Sniffs.) Sweating is average. (Tilts Tishukov’s head, looks at the Temple.) Aquarius. (Graces a palm.) The line of life is normal.
Kaminsky enters. He is under fifty, dressed with demonstrative negligence. On the go, studying records in a notebook. On the go, with the usual gesture, it takes out a laxure from the hands of a lanky and begins to study fresh notes. Tolstoy (with a hot whisper, in Tishukov's ear). This is our attendant Pygmalion, the Kamin surname, I suppose they heard?
Lanky (in another ear). The best in the profession! Will make a person out of you.
Kaminsky. Smile, please. (Pause.) Well, smile!
Tishukov. For what?
Just like that.
Lanky. Like love for people, as it were!
Having joked, the lanky himself jumps loudly, he immediately receives “universal lubrication” from Kaminsky - and falls to the floor. Tolstoy laughs joyfully and also gets “lubrication”. Each blow is accompanied by blows of a circus plate. Peter Petrovich, we have very little time. And the profession is new for you, you will have to smile like a pins. Well! Three, four!
Tishukov does not smile.
OK. We will train the muscles of the face. Now on the biography: you have it so -so, on a three. It is necessary to adjust.
I have a normal biography.
I am in the know. And you need outstanding! Children should play in you like Chapaeva! Well: childhood, maternal love - we will come up with ... Youth romance - tourist trips there, first love, all the garbage ... - Also without problems. But let's come with you, Pyotr Petrovich, think about what to do with GB.
Tishukov. With GB?
Well, yes. Still, you know, not Oxford ... We must somehow adjust this page of your biography to the role of the future leader of the country. Throwing, as luck would have it, with his totalitarian past ...
Do you think I didn't remember you?
Kaminsky. I think they remembered. I definitely won't forget you.
Still. Was it scary?
Disgusting.
It was terrible for you, scary ... (After a pause.) But funny everything turned, right?
You will laugh. Well, let's start creating a bright image! So, this is: on the Lubyanka you did not torment the dissidents, but worked in a foreign land. Radio operator Kat, Professor Plyishner, secret meetings with his wife ...
In the orchestra, two tacts arise from “Seventeen Moments of Spring”: “My pain, you leave me ...” Exactly. (Orchestra.) Good. (The topic, Kiksan, stops.) Then - a return to his homeland, the collapse of a great country ... - Do you remember? The collapse of a great country ... scolded ideals, the bitterness of insight ... coming to Christianity ...
Is it necessary?
Christianity? Of course. We will make Ayatollah of you, come to Muslim, but for now if you please a couple of times a year, with a candle ...
You were not such a cynic.
Good people helped. Will we measure with cynicism?
We will do our job. Everyone is his own!
Oh, enter the image, good ... So, in general terms, the direction is understandable: the last hero, the Savior of the Fatherland. Let's go!
The go -ahead in the orchestra. The orchestra thunders the circus march of Dunaevsky. Hey, there! (He claps his hands, politely.) Without hooliganism! I-and!
The orchestra thunders the march “Farewell of the Slav”. Kaminsky retreats into the shadow, then completely disappears - and a new clowning begins on the stage. 
And now Tishukov among the people - on the deck of the ship in a hat with an anchor, on a farm in a white robe; gives the girl a balloon; presses the hands of a veteran; "Chekanit" a ball with athletes; It stands at the altar with a candle ... “The people” in the sweat of their faces, a fat clown is working - the employees of the Manege barely manage to “take on” with costumes and props. It’s not stinging and lanky - he runs out on the forefront all the time and asks the public: “Who is Piester Pietrovich?” And Tishukov is pressing his hands, everything strokes the children on the heads and waves to the people ... The music is replaced by the chanting: “Peter Pe-Tro-Vich! Peter Pe-Tro-VICH! ”And suddenly, in the rhythm of the chanting, gradually drowning him, a deaf, uneven and desperate knock enters-the same that was at the beginning ... What is it?
Thick. What?
What a knock?
What a knock?
Do not go to the fool!
Lanky. Ah, yes. Knock.
What is this?
Listen, what is the difference to us? Let us be better than the people to wave - there the two grandmothers are the unsuccessful and the soldiers brought the “cheers” to scream. Make people joy.
What a knock, you?
This is from the submarine, Pyotr Petrovich. The submarine drowned.
How ... drowned?
Physically. You were rolled up on a military boat, remember? In a hat. They ordered to increase defense capacity ... Well, and here.
Well, what, what ... The exercises began at the way! And the boat is old, and the torpedo is old ... Well ... (Pause.) Listen, do you need it? Drowned and drowned.
As at the wrong time, but!
Lanky (carefully). I think these are Americans.
The Americans rammed our boat! Provoke tension! Everyone will be better if Americans.
Yeah! Let's put the Americans! Well, at least on the telly.
On the telic, we are nice!
I'll run to say to be blown?
Wait, and - a knock?
Ah. Well, there is such a story ... There are alive there.
On the boat?
Well. Twenty people, in the fifth compartment. Well, and knock on the skin ...
But we better say that everyone died. We will award them better later! So everyone will be better.
Can you save?
Yes, the devil knows him.
Norwegians shout, scum that can save. The whole world is shouting for the third day. But I think - they lie!
Yeah! They want to get to our boat!
Intelligence secrets!
Speculate on the blood!
I'll run?
Where?
On Telik. Say that they speculate on the blood!
Tishukov (after a pause). Only you, or something, somehow somehow.
What?
At least hide a smile, freak!
You offend, commander. Do we not know the craft?
Leaves. Thestock continues. Dick, oh!
Maybe vodka?
I don't drink.
In vain. (He stumbles at Tishukov’s eyes.) Will I go?
Tishukov is silent. It leaves long. 
A loop falls on top of the sprokhstalmeister. A jerk - and he with a cry and a roar disappears in the dark. After a couple of seconds, thick and lanky appear on the stage. The lanky busily wraps the rope on the elbow. Tolstoy (public). And not fig because to remember. We were stubborn, the melancholy was divorced ... Aida all ahead! With the collapse of the country is over! Preights are gone into the past before the West and the revelry of the oligarchy! Russia gets up from the knees! Well, in general, you are in the know. Oh…
A toy oil tower is found on the floor. Oil! (Someone from the public.) Not yours? Well, anyway, already mine. (Takes the above.) So, I say, Russia gets up from the knees! Or from the knees?
Doesn't matter. The main thing is to get up.
Oh, one more! Do not mind? (Takes a second above from the floor.)
What is she yours again?
And I was just nearby. Don’t be upset, you are scruffing around - a big country, tea, not Albania!
The lanky looks around him, then suddenly begins to sniff. (Joyfully). It smells of gas! (Goes to the right backstage.)
So I say: Russia is successfully revived, confronting the collapse of Western civilization as an eternal custodian ... this, fucking, how is it? - morality! And these still, bitch ... spiritual principles! (To the public.) Do you have spiritual principles where are they stored? I have in offshore, at twelve percent. Give the address? (Waiting for consent, shows Kukish and laughs joyfully.)
(Returning with a small valve in his hands). Gas leading is put on!
Well, you were afraid ... You are still scrapping nearby - maybe there is a mycelium ...
He goes to the left backstage, taking away the above. Fanfares. Ladies and gentlemen! Peter Petrovich Tishukov!
With a blow of a plate in the ray of light at the top, Tishukov appears. He sits on the trapezoid. The trapezoid descends, Tishukov goes out and bowls with the public. Above your head is a shining halo of LED origin. In the hands - a cage with a hamster. Helpers, Peter Petrovich!
(going to the ground). Great. What is it for you?
Where?
And in the hands.
Valve, gas.
Why do you have?
(Thinking). National treasure.
Who? You?
He.
Why do you have?
I am guarding.
Ah, this is another matter. Protect well! Fingerprints so that there is no left.
The lanky frantically swallows, rubs the valve on his pants, carefully puts it on the ground and pushes him in the direction of Tishukov. Is it in the sense: do you need anything?
The lanky nods. Nick interests, except for the interests of the Motherland?
Well done! What would you give for this?
He takes out a balloon from his bosom, pouts, and the ball turns out to be a globe. You will be in foreign policy. Drive somewhere, get into ... although not. Give it up!
The lanky gives the Globus ball, and Tishukov blows it off. I score it better for you to justice. How do you feel about justice?
Positively.
So you will go to her. Turn around. (He ties a blindfold on his eyes.) Doesn't he press?
No.
I can see me?
Yeah.
Well, go ... Femis!
Gives him small scales and a large knife-and pushes towards the backstage. Aga! Who did not hide, I'm not to blame! U-thu -tu -u -u ...
He leaves, playing with a knife. 
He goes to the curtains, urinates down. Kriki from below. Peter Petrovich! Ura-ah! Peter Petrovich, we are here!
Female screech of delight. Tishukov, without ceasing to urinate, waves down with his free hand. (Fastening, a hamster). I saw? And so five years. You feel good: I ate, fell, and my roof is going. Compound feed - okay! And to solve social issues on the air? The veteran of the work of Spiridonov from Voronezh, the old snag, demanded hot water! Yasha, where will I get her hot water in Voronezh? He put the governor’s cancer - in the same place, on the air, and set it. In the evening I ask: how? Great, they say - two more ratings! Spiridonova was brought from the governor of hot water, it will be pounded in the end ... And I, Yasha, brought a map of the starry sky from the Academy of Sciences, for approval. Made corrections, signed. Thank you! If only who would give me a snout, huh? To the people ...
The play "Parsley" is released in the publishing house "Time", in the collection of dramatic works of Viktor Shenderovich "Currently and other plays"