How Ilyusha fought with the serpent Corruption

Nowadays Ilya-Svet Kostunov is fighting bravely with State Department mercenaries, foreign agents and their overseas patrons in the sovereign deputy squad of United Russia. Without sparing his parliamentary mandate, he hits all the buttons with all his heart, voting for laws on rallies, NGOs, libel, and Internet censorship. He is even more desperately eager for a new battle, proposing to brand foreign newspapermen and deputies of the OSCE Parliamentary Assembly who have completely lost fear and conscience.

Where did this miracle hero of the Russian land come from? Where did his military path begin?

He assembled amusing Seliger regiments and taught them how to use a sovereign shield and sword. Even then he showed his heroic prowess, chopping off the heads of the sovereign’s enemies and impaling them on stakes for the amusement of onlookers. Evil tongues, however, attributed this feat to other heroes, but out of modesty, Ilya did not stick out himself and prove his victory. But this act did not go unnoticed by the sovereign; he decided to call such a daredevil into his service.

As usual, before enlisting Ilya into his squad, he was tasked with fighting the terrible serpent Corruption in order to show his brave prowess and defend his heroic title.

He set off on the difficult journey of March on the 8th day of the year 2011, congratulated the ladies dear to his heart on the holiday and, saying goodbye, inscribed his motto on the shield: “I must make good out of evil, because there is nothing else to make it out of. .." From that day on, he began to write down all his impressions about the military path to the lair of the serpent Corruption in a wondrous, magical book.

His journey began serenely. He walked with jokes and jokes about Corruption's small minions, rats, ants, museum and road workers and thought about cats, then about his life and about other people's useful inventions, and somehow he even thought about the end of the world.

No matter how long or short he walked, the road led him to the strange city of Zakupki-Gav-Ru, which was often attacked by the serpent Corruption. Ilyusha was delighted with such luck, I’ll ask the local residents, now he’s thinking, what the vile snake has done here, and I’ll go take revenge on him. But it turned out that this city has long been under the protection of the disgraced archer - Alyosha, nicknamed Navalny. Ilyusha became furious when he heard about this outrage: how could it be, after all, he alone was given a royal license to shoot the serpent. he poaches, and at the same time he vilifies the Tsar-Father and the boyars with abusive words with or without reason. In general, Ilyusha harbored an unkind grudge against the archer and decided to get rid of this daring impostor from the world at all costs.

One way or another, Ilyusha still had to fulfill the royal order. He began to walk around the area and gather the militia for the battle with the serpent Corruption. Instead of armor, he decided to give his comrades white aprons as a symbol of purity of actions and thoughts, but rumors spread around the city that the idea was different: in the battle with the serpent, at any moment the apron could be used as a white flag.

While the white-apron militia was gathering, Ilyusha came up with a great idea on how to attract more people to the battle with the serpent and raise the military spirit. It so happened that he caught the eye of disgraceful girls walking around the market square.

“Help me, ladies, in this noble matter,” he addressed them, “scare me the serpent Corruption to the point of complete stupor, so that I can easily cut off his head.”

- How can we scare him off to you? - the harlots were surprised.

- If you expose your bodies, he will be frightened.

The girls were offended:

-Are we really that scary?

- No, girls. You are beautiful, but only for us - the men of the human race, and for a serpent you without scales and mucus are worse than a vigorous winter.

That's what we agreed on. Ilyusha photographed them naked, and made an erotic battle calendar with half-naked girls threatening the serpent, and with menacing words. I was extremely pleased with myself: such a calendar would be useful both in battle and during rest periods.

In the evening he distributed this formidable weapon to his white-aproned men and ordered them to prepare for the battle with the serpent Corruption in the morning at the city gates.

No one came to the city gates in the morning. Ilyusha had to go on an erotic journey on foot alone.

A fairy tale is told quickly, but things are not done quickly. Ilyusha walked around the cities and villages, asked the insidious serpent about the filthy deeds, wrote them down in his little book, and regularly reported to the sovereign boyars. He did not forget his offender Leshka, he also diligently explained to people in the market squares that there was no need to feed him vegetables and fruits, he was not fighting any serpent, and he was slandering the Tsar-Father.

In his travels, Ilyusha had the chance to meet overseas merchants and ask how they dealt with their vile snakes there. He really liked their stories, wrote them all down word for word, and thought: “Now, if I became a king, I would do everything exactly like this.” And the main advice from those merchants was simple: the whole world must fall on the serpent, and on everyone who helps him. Let people openly talk about the serpent’s deeds in all the squares, and let his henchmen speak and not be afraid of sharp words: they will not offend an honest person, but the cap of a thief will immediately catch fire.

Meanwhile, the time had already arrived for recruitment into the Tsarev’s deputy squad. Ilyusha hurried to return to the Tsar-Father, to appear before his clear eyes, and report on the crimes of the Corruptsevs he had seen.

The Tsar-Father thanked him for his good, honest service, and especially noted that Holy Rus' rests on such simple wandering heroes. He was immediately awarded a charter to the deputy squad in order to fall upon the serpent Corruption with renewed force.

But before going on a campaign against Corruption, Ilyusha and his warriors decided to figure it out with everyone who was wrongly trying to fight the serpent without a royal license, including Leshka Navalny, for whom Ilyusha had a particularly sharp tooth by that time. They began to issue decrees that only the Tsar’s people could defeat the serpent, and all those who on their own, or worse, accept help from overseas merchants, only harm the Tsar-Father, and they want to put Holy Rus' under a foreign yoke. The vigilantes began to prohibit many things: now they should not gather on the streets for more than three, and they should not accept gifts from overseas merchants, and they should not speak swear words to the Tsar’s people, and if they think badly about them, then forget about them altogether, and they should not read harmful overseas newspapers at all, everyone in them lies about the sovereign’s people.

Ilyusha completely forgot about the wise advice he heard from foreign merchants. He doesn’t have the time to do this, besides, they had evil intentions, foreigners, after all.

In the meantime, the Tsar’s warriors teach their little people how to properly fight the serpent, Corruption grins, has fun, and continues to destroy Russian cities.