Alien, relatives, their own

What are those who decide to adopt a child in Russia

According to the Ministry of Education and Science of the Russian Federation, in 2011 10,816 Russian children were adopted. Of these, 7416 are our fellow citizens. Is it easy to adopt the child in Russia, which are faced with those who are solving this, - found the New Times

Julia Bashinova with her sons Sasha (left) and Toshe (right)

My husband and I decided to adopt the child a few years ago. They approached the reference point in early 2012, when they went to the district department of guardianship and trusteeship. We were given a list of necessary documents, as well as forms for a medical examination. They persistently asked about the reasons: the guardian employee was alerted by the lack of a diagnosis of infertility. Only then did I learn that actually officials have no right to ask about the causes and even more so to demand a report on the biological ability to have children.

Documents

The list of necessary looked impressive: a certificate of a criminal record, a copy of the financial personal account from the place of residence and registration, a certificate of income for the last 12 months (in free form), a characteristic from the place of work, an autobiography, a certificate of graduation of adoptive parents, consent of relatives living together. In our case, the consent of the owners of the rented apartment where we lived was still necessary. For two and a half months we studied at the school of foster parents, a month waited for a certificate of criminal record. The remaining documents, except for medical certificates, were collected in a week.

The school of foster parents seemed to us useful, albeit a little protracted in time. Nevertheless, many thanks: they explained the main points of the future parenthood - legal, medical, genetic, psychological, financial. We analyzed our fears, dispelled myths about bad heredity, studied the features of different complex diagnoses, and learned about the social support of foster families. We were warned that all orphanages are behind development - but precisely because they live without a family, and with mom and dad quickly catch up with the lost one. There are, of course, more serious diagnoses, and then you need to calculate the forces.

School teachers promised us psychological, legal and information support in the process of education. This is the so -called accompaniment to which adoptive parents can use up to the age of adulthood.

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I opened the video of the first baby and realized that I could not further “choose”, comparing children by some signs. But it turned out that the boy has a brother

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Medicine

A separate problem was the collection of medical stamps in the bypass sheet issued in the municipality. Five dispensaries-tuberculosis, skin-omnogological, narcological, oncological and neuropsychiatric, as well as the therapist, the neurologist and infectious disease specialist had to put his seals and signatures (four stamps and two signatures from each institution), testifying in such a way that we are interviewed, examined and recognized as healthy, sane, sober and worthy.

Here, however, there is a small catch - “medicine” is valid for three months. Moreover, in different departments of custody on this subject are different “traditions”: somewhere around three months they are counted from the moment of visiting the first doctor, somewhere since the last. In our case, the countdown was made from the moment the first stamp was received, so the doctors had to run quickly in order to have time to submit documents to their guardianship and trusteeship, wait for the commission, get an opinion and manage to the guardianship authority to which the orphanage was attached.

We committed the bypass of all doctors in two to three weeks, and it was a little tiring. I had to come to the same place several times, and all the medical facilities were in one area, but in its different ends. Unpleasant discovery: some doctors, in fact, are the same officials - rude, unscrupulous formalists who do not respect the time of other people. But we suffered.

And now - ready. All documents are on hand, bypass sheets were filled with stamps of medical institutions, and we went to the municipality.

Commission

Within two weeks, we were appointed a commission, a visit to which was a simple conversation in the kitchen - about education, work, plans ... Gradually, the conversation ceased to be formal, and an employee of the guardianship (the same that she met on the first day) began to tell how she raises her granddaughter, how she misses her, leaving for work. “In vain, you are looking for a child under five years old,” she said. “It is necessary to take the chest so that he doesn’t remember anything so that there is less injuries and to be more dear.”

Boys get used to mom and new home

We did not argue, but we chose a delta for up to five years by chance. Newborn children are adopted willingly, older ones - less often. Therefore, we decided to find an older child, albeit with injuries and memory. And he will be the most dear to us - this is not at all tied to age.

Having received the conclusion of the guardianship authority, we became candidates! Finally, you could find the baby and go to get acquainted, decorate, pick up.

Our children

On the site www.videopassport.ru/videopassport/ I introduced the gender and age of the child. The base issued three. I opened the video of the first baby and realized that I could not further “choose”, comparing children by some signs. But it turned out that the boy has a brother. I watched my brother’s video. It turned out that the second boy is very ill: heart, vessels, rickets are the consequences of mother’s alcoholism, developmental delay.

I will not hide, I was scared - if we can handle it. Two children (and their native brothers and sisters are arranged in families only together), one is a painful boy. It was scary to think about one thing before: could I love, educate? The husband also doubted, he didn’t even want to watch the video. For two days I thought about this, carefully interested in my friends what two to educate two, on the Internet I read who coped. The scales were outweighed by the thought that I shared with my husband as the last argument: “Imagine that because of the diseases of the older boy, the youngest also has no chance to live in a family. They have been in the orphanage for two years, and no one dared to pick them up. There are two of them, there are two of us, can we not cope? "

Acquaintance

When all the formalities were settled, we were set by the date of acquaintance. The cool reception of the director of the child’s home brought us out of a state of joyful anticipation. A doctor who showed how hopeless the children was tedious to read the diagnoses. We asked to bring the children. The first was brought to the elder, he was very small, despite his three -year age. The brother was larger and stronger, although almost a year younger. Seeing us, the children cried. We clumsily tried to console them, were completely confused. The director shouted at us: "What are you for your parents, your children sob like that!"

The situation was partially saved by the sound books that we brought with us - they still attracted the attention of the older boy. The younger one melted our whole first date, hanging limply in my arms. We went home in mixed feelings. But that day I already knew that these were our children.

Tosha (Plato) with dad Veniamin

We were ready to sign the consent of the boys after the first meeting. But we began to dissuade us, they say, take a closer look, you are in a hurry. We did not argue, it was necessary to leave ten dates - no question. On the second date they began to scare us. Like, the eldest child is inadequate, he is on tablets, there are specialists, and you are young, without experience, can not cope. They were forced to go to a psychiatrist who said that these children are not suitable for us. “Look for yourself alone and healthy, only experts will cope with these,” the psychiatrist said. No diagnosis was confirmed during the examination. Later, I already found out that if we refused, the director would send the guys to a foreign adoption. Without refusing Russian candidates, this cannot be done.

And then we came up with names. How many disputes, options! As a result, they decided to name Mikhail and Plato - in honor of the famous political prisoners. But it turned out that the elder Sasha is renamed late, at his age this would be an additional injury. And the youngest did not really know his name, and somewhere on the seventh date we slowly began to call him toshe. And when Sasha, the teacher asked who he was walking with, he looked carefully, then touched me with his hand and said quietly: “Mom.” And that was his first word.

The dates flowed strangely: at first it was not clear how to communicate with the children, how to spend the hours of an hour and a half twice a week. They are silent, afraid, try to understand what we want. And then it was not enough for time, I did not want to leave, and at home I missed them to tears. It was painful from the fact that I did not know how they sleep, what they eat, how they treated them. These were my children, and without them I suffered.

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We have preserved all the particles of their complex personal story, and if someday they want to find out in more detail, we will tell everything that we know and help you figure it out

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Court

Already during the dates, we prepared the whole pack of documents for transfer to court. The meeting was promised to be scheduled within two to three weeks, a week after filing the application they called us: the court will take place two days later. It was necessary to prepare a convincing speech for the judge, but we decided to improvise. In court, they gave the word to her husband. Benjamin discouraged the judge, saying that he considers this meeting "the necessary formality on the path of adoption." The judge’s face stretched out, something inside me squeezed from a slight horror, but my husband ended the phrase with words, a little judge who reassured: “... and therefore we came here to go through this stage, as everyone else passed before.”

The judge leafed through the documents, asked random questions, at the end wished us to give birth to their children. When she asked if we still had questions, I at the rash asked for a court decision to be fulfilled immediately. The judge satisfied my request and said that we can take children in an hour.

Brothers play in the courtyard of their new home

We ran into the child’s house, but they didn’t even let us on the threshold: the day is unacceptable, there are no visits, we are not ready for discharge, come tomorrow. I asked to say the size of the leg of one of the boys, whom I did not have time to measure, thinking that there would be still time, and the director said: “You should know the size of your children. Mother or who? " The educators were kinder and rejoiced that we were taking the brothers: for two years no one was interested in them, they were the “old -timers” of this institution.

"Burn their previous life ..."

On September 20, 2012, we took home our sons - Alexander and Plato. Sasha and Tosha. At first there were many tears, and now there are still. More difficulties in life. There is a lot of meaning. And happiness increased - when Tosha hugs dad by the leg when Sasha says: “I love you, mother”, when both in the middle of the game stop and run to us to kiss. This is infrequent, it must be earned, but every day there is more happiness. And there is no very “adoptive” word in our life. These are ours, native boys ... After the court session, an employee of the guardianship of the Moscow Region told us: “Burn all the documents from their past life. And then they will certainly find and everyone will find out. ” We did not argue, but decided to raise our boys in the real world, where children in the family can appear differently, and they do not become better or worse. So that they would not once become a shock of the opening of adoption, from the very beginning we will talk about it so that they perceive this as a variant of the norm. We have preserved all the particles of their complex personal history, and if someday they want to find out in more detail, we will pass them on, tell everything that we know and help to figure it out.

Photos: Julia Bashinova