Eurokitch from Channel One

Photo: Reuters

Every year it’s very funny to me when our television organizes ritual dances around Eurovision. We always manage to choose dubious guidelines and follow them pointlessly. But what was revealed to the world this past weekend was simply beyond the pale. I already wrote on this topic in MK: I sincerely wanted to convince myself that everything that I see during the television “overclocking” in the Channel One studio before the show and after its end is just a parody, a kind of KVN or “ SpotlightParisHilton." Because you can’t seriously look at the golden-toothed milkmaids who have barely recovered from their evening milking, where cans of milk are neatly placed along the perimeter of the screen, or the workers of Uralvagonzavod lined up in the frame according to the principle of symmetry (where would we be without him now?). Everything was done in the best traditions of television absurdity: the ISS, milkmaids, plus the working class. The only thing missing to complete the picture was the well-known phrases like “If necessary, we will come.” Everything worked towards the realization of one single thesis: on air there was an event of grandiose proportions, since Uralvagonzavod itself suspended its shift and liked it. It is strange that the workers and milkmaids were not sent to Sweden at all. But the traditional jokes in the studio about “let’s turn off the gas” (to those countries that will not vote for us) were heard in abundance.

The feeling of unprecedented parody did not leave me, but I made an effort and did not turn off the TV. Because I knew: at the end the spectacle becomes even crazier! After the votes are counted, there is always an orgy of creativity.

While waiting for the finale, there was the “pleasure” of almost three dozen songs, including the performance of Dina Garipova.

Of course, Eurovision has long been a celebration of pop stereotypes and kitsch. But going to a competition with outright plagiarism, which the lazy have not shouted about in the vastness of the World Wide Web, is, to put it mildly, inappropriate. There are similar notes, but when the song is played “one to one” - this is, excuse me, rudeness. You can, of course, argue for a long time that the Swedes, from whom we ordered this song, are to blame, that we are only conscientious buyers. But it would be possible to take the trouble to at least check first what kind of product they slipped us?

Dina Garipova has a strong voice, but is she really the Eurovision format? Then explain what the bet was? Certainly not weak backing vocalists and a complete lack of production? It is clear that it is not every year that ice is poured for Plushenko and violinists are signed for Bilan. But should the eye and ear cling to at least something? By God, the same last year’s fake called “Buranovskie Babushki”, for all its musical meaninglessness, was in this regard more consistent and more organic. The Danes had drums and flutes, the Romanians had a revived Dracula in a skirt. What will we remember - only plagiarism? I personally remember Malakhov for some reason dressing the Swede in a bride’s dress and skillfully giving a pedicure to the barefoot winner of royal blood.

It’s even surprising to me that we rose to fifth place. Only Latvia and Estonia put Russia in the top position, and even then the large Russian-speaking majority of the Baltics probably affected this voting on a geographical basis.

However, what am I talking about? If you want songs, then Eurovision is not the place for you. And this music competition has long become a sporting event - a kind of European championship in pop kitsch. And that’s why they raise the flags on the orders of the TV director, that’s why they shout in Malakhov’s studio “Ros-si-ya! Ross-si-ya!” It’s like in the stands of Luzhniki being dismantled into bricks: the game (and its quality) is separate, but the rules of behavior in the stands and their chants are separate.

It was strange for me to see in the studio the aged Pupo singing to a soundtrack and the jubilant audience waving posters “Dina, we are with you” (that’s right, without a comma) to the Italian’s song. Of course, in Malmo it was the same: for example, a singer from Malta performs, and the first rows cover him with flags of Sweden, Finland, Greece, and Germany. But this is an unstaged concert hall. And the studio in Ostankino is the fruit of someone’s thought, someone’s creativity. After all, someone thought through all this illiteracy?

Including butterflies that did not want to fly out of the presenter’s colorful shoebox, and then, forcibly shaken out of there, rushed up to the spotlights in order to fall down dead from there. Television trash. A sports show where the main thing is not vocal skill, but the opportunity to scream in the stands. In football match reports, very often the main thing is not the score of the match, but the number of fans who went to the department, coupled with the story of what was written on the banners. So why is the European Singing Championship worse?

Although, to be honest, this is not a championship, but an Olympics. The main thing in it, too, is participation. The main goal of almost any singer at Eurovision is simply to demonstrate himself to the entire continent.