Liquid vertical

Dear editors!

Despite the dead holiday season, thoughts and thoughts continue to swirl in the scientific and bureaucratic community. Instead of working on potatoes, cucumbers and tomatoes in their dachas, creating food reserves for the hungry winter, some scientists rush through the empty corridors of institutes, preparing for rallies and protests in the hot autumn. Instead of peacefully sipping martinis on yachts, some officials are writing and drafting various laws and regulations, intending to put scientists in their rightful place.

It’s clear that it’s not for me to give advice and instructions on how to work with officials - there are specially trained and selected people for that purpose. But I am quite capable of working with my colleagues, explaining to them the futility and meaninglessness of their fussy activities. And not only within the framework of verbal debates or thought experiments, but, so to speak, in combat conditions.

Quite recently, I decided to experiment and invited a very active colleague from an academic institute to my home. We sat down, as usual, in the kitchen and started talking about our life. The colleague immediately began to cover up for Livanov, Fursenko and Kovalchuk, Putin and, in general, the entire Ozero cooperative: they want to completely finish off science, steal property, disperse everyone. And you know, I don’t argue, I agree, and I pour him glass after glass of vodka. The colleague does not let up, he begins to cover up Osipova, Fortova, the Presidium - they say that the academicians are renting us out for a scholarship and promises. And I keep pouring it on, come on, I say, one more glass, it’s a waste of time to sit.

I feel that my colleague’s tension is easing a little, and his thoughts are beginning to switch from the collapse of science to foreign objects. The bottle was persuaded, another was started. Here my brother’s life began to improve. By the end of the second bottle he was already starting to sing something. Well, after the third, everything was deeply purple for him: the fate of the Academy, and Fursenko with Osipov, and Livanov with Kovalchuk - he slept on a chair without his hind legs. And this entire evolution of thought from violent boiling to cemetery calm cost only 300 rubles per person, if you don’t count snacks. Moreover, the last bottle, obviously, was superfluous: and two bottles were enough for us to make life sparkle with all the colors of the rainbow (do not think, dear editors and comrade prosecutor, that I am engaged in gay propaganda - this is just an expression that has nothing to do with LGBT minorities ).

Why am I saying all this? A few thousand rubles a month is not such a high price to pay for a person’s correct, positive attitude in life. That’s why I want to propose, through my favorite newspaper, the introduction of a daily mandatory distribution of vodka to all scientific employees of the Academy. After all, our state policy is often impossible to understand with an unprepared mind; it cannot be measured with a simple yardstick. Therefore, minds need to be prepared accordingly, even scientific minds.

He came in the morning, took a glass, and the day was off to a good start. Another glass at lunch - and by the second half of the day life will completely improve. Well, a hundred grams on the road before leaving work - for a pleasant evening. Of course, some may start talking about work productivity, safety precautions, and the Labor Code. But these are all minor things. Changes can be made to the code, productivity is a far-fetched question - and so what good are we, colleagues? And with safety precautions. Well, if someone falls and breaks something, that’s unprecedented. Not such a high price to pay for public peace.

True, the process needs to be initiated wisely. It’s like with a nuclear reactor: you can generate energy, but if you screw it up a little, you’re welcome to Chernobyl. If you just deliver vodka to institutes, then people will drink it and go, what good, to make a revolution. You need to start wisely and start the process correctly.

Like that. First, the minister invites members of the Presidium, sits well with them, of course, the drinks here should be more decent than ordinary vodka - aged cognacs, whiskey. Then, when the members of the Presidium feel good in their souls, they go with a little simpler drinks to sit well in the company of ordinary academicians, directors, and corresponding members. And so on. Thus, a good mood travels along a liquid vertical from the very top to the very bottom, and the process goes on the planned course without revolutions or shocks. However, I suggest everyone not to wait for decisions at the state level - each of us can become the architect of our own happiness.

Yours Ivan Ekonomov