"Replay Time"

19–23.08.2013

The New Times continues to follow the story of a man who received a terminal diagnosis*

The most important resource is time. In ordinary life, this is a kind of detached knowledge. But when lymph nodes grow on the neck, so that they compress the nerves and respiratory tract, the neck swells and the head can no longer think, because it seems that there are already problems with the vessels, then the topic of “time” becomes panicky.

The doctor demands the immediate start of powerful toxic chemotherapy to stabilize the situation. I am for. Only now it cannot be started, because it is the first step of a multi-move, the gap between subsequent events will be calculated in days. Let's rush at random - we'll definitely fail the whole thing. And the second step fails to plan. It doesn’t work at all - he broke off from me (and now I’m thinking - oh, if only I knew earlier!).

And now we need to find a new solution and replay time. To get the most important resource that can be converted into knowledge, necessary connections, money... But I don't have time. And the doctor really wants to start chemotherapy and explains that the days are counting. He explains this to ME, as if it's not ME whose neck is one and a half times larger than it should be.

My beloved is already "running on the ceiling" ... looking at all this. And I understand her very much and appreciate her steadfastness - this is a terrible state when you just wait, watching the hours fly by, and you can’t do anything.

I canceled all the work, because a fresh mind is hardly enough to write very important letters to people who could try to help buy even a little time. When the count goes on for days and you ask to help everyone who can respond. Unfortunately, we won't be able to. Even asking for help can take time. And help, as it turns out, as a rule, is required unexpectedly.

In practice, I understand that we will not be able to delay chemotherapy later than this week, because otherwise everything will go to hell. In practice, I understand that in the coming days I will have to choose between bad and very bad options. And I think the doctor understands that he, in turn, will have to act not according to his mind, but according to circumstances.

And looking at this whole picture, albeit with difficulty, but thinking, I try to drive away the nasty, time-consuming thought: “If only I knew everything a little in advance, if I could prepare.” If I survive, there will be time for such introspection. And now - letters, calls, letters.