Abortion is a consequence, not the reason

Zhanna Savenko

analytically oriented psychologist-psychotherapist, Krasnodar Territory

My position is called a “medical psychologist”, since we do not have specialization “perinatal psychologist” now, although this is a whole direction in psychology. I work in a antenatal clinic that is large enough for our city. What I do is called "5 -way counseling." My employer hired me so that I discouraged women to have abortion - this was his primary request. About 15 people a month passes through me.

I would like to know what it means - "to dissuade the woman from abortion." In the Russian textbook on perinatal psychology, the author - a man - writes very inspiredly about what needs to work with a woman for a long time, it is necessary to delve into what the problem is, to support her. But in fact, the woman sat at home for two weeks, thought, decided whether to do or not to do what to do. Here she comes to the doctor, and here I am. It is clear that most often this does not work.

Honestly, I do not plan to linger here for a long time. I am disappointed that they demand some strange things, some statistics, "how many women refused to have abortion after consultation." I don’t even know how to count it, I’m trying to come up with ... This is a rather mechanistic attitude: the doctor should cure so many inflammatory diseases in a month, and I seem to say how many women decided something in his life. Of course, I dissuade them, but as a specialist I understand that this does not make sense, because the woman does not abort the sake of abortion. These are always some third-party problems.

In our clinic, abortion is a paid service, and a woman is not obliged to come to me. I sit at the table, the door opens - the nurse comes, brings a card and brings a woman. The woman is completely horrified. Naturally, serious resistance from patients is often found. Sometimes they ask: "Well, for a long time you are going to give lectures for a long time?" Someone says: "I'm not going to talk to you, girl, do not soar my brains, I am an adult." Some just get up and leave. I do not have to catch them, this is their choice.

There have been completely prohibitive cases when, having not yet had time to open my mouth and say hello, I immediately received insults to my address. It is strange for me in general when they begin to swear on me from the threshold - especially when I actually are not going to dissuade anyone and see the prevention of depression, which often occurs in such cases.

First of all, I try to find out what led the woman to her decision and with whom she made him. I ask a question about the reasons. I try to understand how a woman feels that she is going to do later and is there anyone who can support her. Sometimes it is necessary to clarify the emotional state of a woman, the level of depression, anxiety. Not everyone runs away with the cries of “lag behind me”, some still need to speak, someone needs to confess.

It becomes clear that now she is afraid, but in two years this fear will not go anywhere.

Most often, women say that they do not have money for rented housing. This is an absolute winner in the ranking, I almost always hear it. Another reason is that as many children are enough, although sometimes it is one or two. Very often it sounds: "Now, if the state contained us, then I would give birth." It is not clear to me: why the state is obliged to maintain adult working people.

I think, in fact, somewhere around 50 to 50: someone has really material problems, and someone hides his true motivations behind this. Sometimes I see a woman and I understand that she really has three children, they live in some communal apartment with a sick grandmother and it would really be strange on her part to give birth to another fourth child and try to keep him too. But someone says this is so implausible ... However, it very quickly turns out that the matter is not in housing, but in fact a woman does not want a child, or does not know if her husband will leave, or her sick parents, whom she should watch.

You can say anything, but if this is not true, then at the reception of a psychologist it pops up quickly enough. I can say: “Well, you don’t have housing, it's all clear, this is such an important reason, but tell me: how do you feel? How is your mood? What do you think of your pregnancy? How was it with past children? What did you feel then? " It quickly becomes clear what the level of depression is. If this is a clinical or subclinical level, then it becomes clear that such a woman does not see the opportunity to endure and give birth to a little person, be with him and give him enough warmth.

Most often, women say: "I must give birth, but somehow, in a couple of years, I am not ready now." It becomes clear that now she is afraid, but in two years this fear will not go anywhere. You have to somehow dig in quickly and find out something. But, of course, not everyone is ready for this, not everyone wants it and it can not always be done at a time.
Women are afraid that they will not be good mothers, this is very common. So her own experience, the experience of her relationship with her mother, is manifested. Many women are afraid that they will be like a mother or, conversely, will not. Young mothers, who nevertheless gave birth, are often very afraid of their children, are afraid of themselves.

Probably, there is some collective image of those who come to our clinic. This is a woman who is crying, which everyone has left, who is afraid that she cannot cope. At the same time, people who are actually already performing maternal work are often in front of me, but in relation to someone else: to their drinking husbands or husbands-narcomans, to their parents-Sly patients, to their mother-in-law. And all the time they have some things. It seems like they are already very busy, not to children.

I had such a story. The woman already had a child, and she lived with a man who was not his father. He is a drug addict. She says to me: “It is very expensive to treat him, so I cannot give birth to a child. This is such a lot of money, and I have to treat it. ” This is called co -dependence. There is a dependent person, but there is his environment, which in a hidden form in one way or another supports this dependence: gives him money for treatment, for drugs or just saws his head until he breaks and begins to drink again.

The main problem of women in our country is that they want to control too much.

We met with her several times, but for me a riddle still, how it ended. With free psychotherapy, it usually happens - people come and immediately disappear. Of the ten people, they do not return, as a rule, about seven. Well, what can I do with this? Not all people are ready to work with their problems, not everyone wants it.

I'm afraid that the main problem of women in our country is that they want to control too much. Historically, this is due to the fact that I had to make too many decisions themselves, to give birth in the field, to educate five children without gone to the front. This takes root for a long time. When women control too much, their children easily fall into dependent relationships. If you do not let the child make his own decisions, then why should he start taking them after 18 years? Some children cope with this pressure, and some do not ... to be in symbiosis with their mother and to be in symbiosis with some kind of narcotic substance is about the same thing. This is a dependence.

Many women cannot understand what self -respect and respect for their children are. Or they understand this late, and then they regret it. Alas, women are not very often found who understand that their life is their life, the life of another is the life of another, and respect for themselves is respect for another too. If we talk about symbiotic relationships, co -dependent relationships, which are very common in our area, then women begin to want to be too good, take care where it is not necessary, make decisions for their loved ones. This has deplorable consequences.

The ban on free abortion, of course, is not a solution to the problem. An abortion is a consequence, this is not a reason, you just need to increase the level of education. Including families. Often those who do abortion do not have sexual education, and in their families sex is something shameful, dirty.

If, with the help of a ban on abortion, they want to raise the birth rate - this is a perfect miss. The fact that it is precisely free operations that want to ban ... And what, someone does them at all? I saw women who made seven paid abortions - and nothing. It is clear that this is not a way to protect them from such a decision. And if the method, then I do not understand: what do they want to achieve? We all saw the film “4 months, 3 weeks and 2 days”, where abortion was banned and girls began to look for some kind of underground path. We know that as soon as they prohibit termination of pregnancy, the number of criminal abortions immediately grows, the result of which are terrible diseases and infertility.

I ask some doctors in our consultation: "And that you have so many abortions, do you not dissuade patients?" They answer me: “Look who it is. These are 17-year-old girls who already have children. What is the point of dissuading them? You just have to be a fool to tell them: “Go home another five”. Naturally, we want to increase the birth rate in the country, but, probably, we want to do this at the expense of children that their parents can provide, and not at the expense of children who will replenish the orphanage? It means something to do with fertility, and not limit the possibility of abortion.