What is it to be a transsexual in Russia

We can talk for a long time about intolerance to a variety of minorities in Russian society, but the position of people who feel that they were born in a strange body is often especially unbearable. At the request of COLTA . RU Alena Soyko asked four people who either have already changed the floor, or are only preparing to do it. All of them are at different stages of this difficult and painful for themselves and for the surrounding process.

Paul correction is a multi -stage procedure that is built according to the scheme: hormonal therapy - surgical correction of the genitals - a change of documents. During the year or longer, a transsexual is observed by a psychiatrist, which should confirm the diagnosis of transgender. At this stage, the doctor excludes schizophrenia and other psychopathic diseases. After that, a special commission of doctors issues a referral for floor correction and a change in documents. Before the operation, transsexuals take hormones for a long time. And after it they receive documents that confirm that a person is now a new name and another floor.

Natalia, 39 years old

The permission of the commission for floor correction and the change of documents was received. The course of hormone therapy was carried out, the operations were not carried out.

From early childhood, I realized myself as a girl, but I was born a boy. To meet the expectations of my parents, I began to play the boy. That is, I just learned to be. For example, I remember how we ran a hundred meters in the sixth class, and the boys said to me: “Why are you running like girls?” And I watched how they run, and tried to copy their movements.

For a very long time I tried to match the expectations of society. At first she played the boy, then portrayed a man.

So I wanted to start a family. But I was able to do this only as a man, I have two children. And with the family it is very difficult to go to the floor correction. For many years, I gritted my teeth, continued to play a man only for the sake of the family.

I opened my wife 10 years ago ... At about this moment I made the first attempt to adjust the floor. And when the first changes began to appear in connection with hormones, my wife said to me: “You know, choose, or we will be together and you stop it, or please change, but let's part.” And I, as a woman, naturally chose a family. I was depressed for many years, somehow I did it with varying success. But a year ago I reached a situation where my own life ceased to mean anything to me. I realized that this could not continue more. I told my wife about this. She reacted like this: let's endure all this as much as I can. While endure. I don’t know if we will be together or part, time will tell. So we live and live.

With our wife, we live as a girlfriend. Until now, with children, I play dad, as far as I do now. Although they all feel. The eldest periodically calls me “my dad”, and the youngest, when my grandmother comes to visit, says to her: “Grandma, look, and dad we have a girl, he has a pigtail.” In the kindergarten, when I come to the male, the children constantly ask: and I'm mom or dad. Recently, one boy said to the rest, looking at me: "No, this was not my mother."

I take the phone. They say: "A (call my male name) can you?" I have to say that he went out.

A year ago, I again sat on hormones. Since winter, I am already me. And at work since spring I am me. She told her colleagues, opened before friends, in general, I was lucky here. Often people, when they change the floor, throw work, move to another city. Nothing has changed for me. At work, I am the director, said very simply: "Who does not like it - you can quit." No one quit. I no longer have dads, but I do not want to tell mom because of her age. Of course, she would never throw pans into me or expel from home. But I am afraid that she will begin to reproach herself: that she did something wrong during pregnancy, that she somehow raised it somehow, and all these doubts will only affect her health. However, it cannot be said that she sees nothing. Yes, I come to her completely dressed as male, but she sees my nails, my long hair. He says: "Oh, you have such nails, any girl will envy you." But now I am very glad that in childhood I did not tell my parents anything. They would take me to some specialist, and he would slap me with some schizophrenia.

As for friends, they are smart, understanding, educated people. When I opened, I did not lose a single friend. The whole circle of communication has remained the same. I didn't even change the phone. Although all sorts of incidents are periodically happening to this. Someone calls me, and in public it is uncomfortable to change my voice. I take the phone. They say: "A ( call my male name ) can you?" I have to say that he went out. But, despite all these vicissitudes, now I have me.

You, normal people, do not understand what kind of high it is - to be yourself. I first went outside - there was just a feeling of euphoria.

With the operations, this is what a thing. You see, if it were possible to give birth, I would go to any operation. And to engage in external likeness and thus sponsor plastic surgery seems superfluous to me. They see me in society as a woman, no one shouts me on the street, does not whistle, everything is in order - and I am normal and enough. I was just more or less lucky with my appearance.

Despite this, of course, there are still many problems. How to open to children, because I want them to have two, but normal mothers than one dead dad. Now I am solving the issue of moving to another country, where they are more tolerant of people like me. I'm not afraid of problems with the children themselves. I am afraid of their classmates who can easily be bought. And the change of documents? With documents - a complete ass. If you are not socialized, you only have a passport and birth certificate, then everything is simple. And I have patents, bank accounts, driver’s license, a lot of contracts, etc. But, however, the main thing is that I have permission. I was mutated for a long time, because psychiatrists are the main thing to relieve themselves of responsibility. Well, for a long time they usually make decisions: for a year, two, to make sure that the desire is unequivocal does not change with age. I knocked out permission.

The child has first awareness of himself, then the nearest circle is built. I have a circle, but in the middle I did not have, there was no center.

The most sad today is a relationship with his wife. This is such a confusing ball now. That is, I understand that a wife can find a man who will fall in love and to whom he will leave me. And I will have to move aside, which will be very difficult for me. But I have me. Do you understand? Let with serious problems and absurd curios. So I, for example, approaching the toilet, first I look at myself so as not to make a mistake of the door. For transsexuals, this is generally the most difficult test: you will become your line in the female toilet or not. Once again I will say, even if banal, but important. You see, being in harmony with yourself is happiness. When the child is born, he first forms awareness of himself, then the nearest circle of relatives is built, and then this circle grows and grows. I grew up, but in the middle I did not have, there was no center. And now he is.

Now friends sometimes say to me: "Now you need to re -teach facial expressions, gestures, gait." And I don't need to teach anything. I just relax and become myself.

Eugene, 38 years old

It takes hormones, there are no permits to change documents yet.

Only at the age of 30 did I have the opportunity to enter the Internet, so I found out about transsexuality, I met a transsexual friend, who, like me, was from Stavropol. Roughly speaking, I lived for many years with what I did not know the name.

And this beginning to manifest itself, like everyone else, from childhood, attracted clothes, was more emotional than boys, not as lively as they, did not know how to give back. It was hard at school, they mocked me all the time, they were poked. But what to talk about here? When I studied, we had a boy with small deviations in our class, and during one of the changes was raped in the toilet. Such a contingent was at school. And when I began to grow my hair a little, they directly and approached me on the street with the question: “But are you h*are you dear?”

There to change your appearance is to subscribe to problems. Therefore, I began to actively take hormones only here. Yes, I independently take hormones, do not trust our doctors who are still focusing on female physiology, although it is a little different for transsexuals. I'm not afraid to accept it myself, because I do not belong to the category of people who want boobs right now and right here.

This year I changed the photograph in my passport, because the previous one usually reacted like this: “Girl, this is not your passport.” With a new photo in the passport, I can’t get a job for a year now. In my last official work, I was simply bored. When the appearance began to change, problems began. I received threats, my correspondence was hacked, which lay printed right on my table so that I knew that it was hacked. Here is such an attitude. I just had to quit. Now for a year now I can’t find a job, everywhere refusal, refusal, refusal. If I begin to say on the phone who I really am, some immediately throw the phone without listening. And if I come for an interview, then, until I show my passport, everything goes fine.

Everything, I only have to go under the train.

Today I was at an interview, I called on Friday about the work with a courier, from 15 thousand, I do not wave up more. I got to the director of the company directly, everything is fine, I asked if I worked. Then he scattered: “Please come on Monday for an interview, if everything is fine, you can immediately start work.” And when she arrived and began to explain what difficulty I have with the documents, such a phrase sounded: “You know, we still have the heads of departments, they may have a problem with this case, I will call you back tomorrow.” Of course, he will not call back. And if conscious, then I will still receive another refusal. I'm just in despair, to be honest.

I live in a rented apartment with a friend, I don't know what to do. And I don’t know how to change the situation. Everyone needs money. The commission, which issues a permit for floor correction, costs 35 thousand. Operation to remove testicles - another 25 thousand. That is, it turns out that in order to change the documents, I need to earn money, and in order to make money, I need to get a job, and because of these very documents, no one takes me to work. Everything, a vicious circle. If it weren’t for a girlfriend who actually pays for me part of the housing, I would just die on the street.

This pushes transsexuals in prostitution, and not because we are so corrupted. Where can a person go? Return to the province? There they can kill, which has happened repeatedly. And where should I go? To prostitutes? So I'm old. Everything, I only have to go under the train. Now I live on my mother’s pension.

Tell me, what's the difference, what is the passport there, when you carry cartridges? I'm tired. If I do not find a job, there will be no other way out, except to step on the rails. And what else can I do? I will not return home, there is neither work nor life.

Alexander, 30 years

He changed the documents, conducted the Operation "Verkh", the operation "DNC" was not carried out.

At 12, I realized that something was wrong with me. And at first everything was blaming for orientation. Then he was convinced that it was not a matter of her. But I really did not know anything about transgender people. And from 12 to 24 he tried to build a normal life in order not to adjust anything and live like everyone else. By nature, by psychological characteristics, I love order. And so I tried to do everything as expected. I married, created a family, I had a child. I did this, because I believed that in this way I could most fully work out the initial gender identity. And I'm sorry that we could not save the family. After all, my daughter, I think, would not care how many dads she has - one or two. For a child, it is much more important for him to be loved. I have no relationship with the child.

At 24, I realized that I had to do something, I went through the commission and changed the documents two years ago. As a result, the whole procedure took me six years. As you know, it is important to look at the patient in dynamics here in order to exclude schizophrenia or bifurcation of personality, for example. To exclude any psychiatric disease in general, to make sure that this is precisely transsexuality, and not something else. There are two commissions in Russia: in Moscow, which many refuse, and in St. Petersburg. In Moscow, they threw me, I went to St. Petersburg. At these commissions, you are usually mutilated for a long time, for years. This is such a test as you are ready and how much you need it. You must be socialized and adapted. Naturally, in plus the representative appearance and the availability of work. But, unfortunately, in the case of transsexuals, they very much even look at the mismatch of documents and appearance in Russia. When I walked like a man, with bristles and with a mustache, they didn’t even take me toilets. I just hurried and began hormone therapy before I changed the name in the passport.

About parents. In principle, nothing is particularly critical, they just shy me very much. Of course, they would like this to be not. Due to daytime training and the inability to fully work, I temporarily live with them, until I will pick it up again. We have practically no communication. I try to be absent as much as possible: I come an hour before their sleep and leave for an hour later they wake up. And if there is a conversation, then only about their affairs, they do not want to hear anything about my affairs.

For me, the moment of truth is fundamental. Relations with a girl mean sex, of course, before sex you need to inform a person about what he or she can see. This does not mean that I am talking about my floor correction for all the transverse, but if I want to be friends with a person, to communicate more closely, he should know about it. This is a kind of test for me: here a person takes on this, we continue our communication, and we never return to this again, it means - there is contact. And if I myself do not tell the truth, this means that a person cannot be for me by anyone, except for the familiar middle hand. For me, this is also a test for the adequacy of those who are next to me.

If my dreams were realized, I would have had a separate apartment, I would not have to rent. And I would have had a second operation for a long time. The top two years ago cost 100 thousand, the bottom - 300. For me it is a lot of money. I would like me to have them.

Well, another completely impossible dream: to be accepted into the monastery. Yes, I sometimes think about going to the monastery. But, unfortunately, given the attitude of the church to people like me, it is impossible.

The monastery should clarify on the topic of the monastery. I'm just in the community. I spend almost all my free time there, helping something or just communicating with people. There is a cultural center where we are all gathering. And the brothers hold masses and other events - reading the Bible, watching films, just descending for a short time, but talk with us. I'm calm there. Perhaps these are the few people whom I really love. Some of them do not know about my transsexuality, but I promised the priest that I will not tell them so as not to shock. But I speak with them on the topic of LGBT, although there is little sense in this, quite intolerant opinions prevail there.

Yana, 23 years old

It achieves permission to change documents without floor correction, refuses hormone therapy and operations.

I learned that there are transgender people, at 20 years old, but for about 12 years I was a transvestite, while I considered myself a sick one and stubbornly continued to fight it. And with 20 stopped. I am now publicly acting, I go to all sorts of promotions, I have many Orthodox opponents who are ready to throw me with stones in the most literal sense. My relatives do not support me. The news itself was accepted extremely restless, completely restless. They still say that I need to be treated, that normal people do not behave like that. Which, at worst, I can walk so at home, since I can’t wait to be a woman, but not in public places. They attack my active position in this matter, they say that all this activism is useless and that people like me will always be bad in our country. I have a different opinion and do not think that Russia has some kind of special way. In Western countries, activists have passed the same stage of hatred, and someday we will overcome it too. In my opinion, the achievement of rights for LGBT is possible only after a change of power, so I do not only transgender activism, but also politics.

What really bothers me? On the one hand, this, of course, is the existing transophobia in society. On the other hand, this is the procedure for changing the name and gender in the documents - for example, they refused to change the name, since the name "Yana" does not correspond to the male floor in my passport. If a person does not have documents that would correspond to his appearance, then he encounters discrimination where a passport is required, for example, when applying for a job, rent an apartment, in trains, airports ... So far I live such a double life. Туда, где меня знают под мужским именем, мне приходится приходить в мужском. Хотя жить в Москве — это большая привилегия, я тут хожу по улицам, и на меня никто не смотрит. Поскольку это огромный город, здесь редко можно столкнуться со знакомыми.

В университет я хожу в мужском виде, хотя некоторые люди там знают о моем активизме. Когда я иду в юбке, я не боюсь, что кого-то из них встречу. Но вообще меня не особо волнует, кто там обо мне что знает. Что они смогут сделать со мной? Выгнать из аспирантуры? Это вряд ли, я как активистка подниму скандал, это никому не нужно. Я планирую в ближайшее время каминг-аут, надеюсь только найти подходящий повод, хотелось бы, чтобы им стала смена пола и имени в паспорте.

Также я планирую судиться за смену пола в документах без операций и психиатрической комиссии и за возможность не указывать пол в различных документах. Я против патологизации транссексуальности, как и против психиатрии в целом, и считаю, что с помощью психиатрических диагнозов общество ограждает себя от инакомыслящих, поэтому я никогда не пойду к психиатру. К тому же этот диагноз опасен для моей аспирантуры, вреден для моей профессиональной деятельности. Я занимаюсь химией, и когда я поступала в аспирантуру, мне требовалась справка о том, что я не состою на всяких учетах в психоневрологических диспансерах.

Мне не нужны операции на гениталиях, потому что я против необоснованных вмешательств в работу организма, к тому же я хочу детей. А операция меня такой возможности лишит. Я отрицаю понятие женского-мужского тела. Я рассматриваю понятия «женщина» и «мужчина» как идентичности, никак не связанные с биологией. Наличие гениталий определенного типа не имеет отношения к женщинам или мужчинам, вместо этого можно сказать «человек с вагиной» или «человек с пенисом». Мне нужно, чтобы меня воспринимали как женщину и в документах у меня был женский пол.

Как я вижу свою семью? У меня есть партнерка. Мы познакомились на лекции о трансгендерности, она много лет занимается трансгендерным активизмом. Вместе мы справились с моей сексофобией, которой страдают многие трансженщины. Есть стереотипы, как должны заниматься сексом женщины, а как мужчины. В связи с этим многие трансгендерные люди не занимаются сексом до операции. Моя партнерка помогла мне деконструировать эти стереотипы и понять, что разные женщины занимаются сексом по-разному. Полгода назад я бросила пить гормоны, чтобы восстановить фертильность. Мы хотим двоих детей.