Linor Goralik: five stories about specifics

The column of Linor Goralik “Five PRO stories”, which we loved to read on L Enta.ru, moves to COLTA. Ru . Five more stories - next Tuesday.

... Here, let's say, the manager P., growing up, quite often spoke in a dream-and she said some unexpectedly seditious things. Once she sat in a crib and muttered: "Cracks ... wings ... Ah, this is the name of the Kremlin in English." Then she fell asleep back, which separately scared her honest Soviet parents: they say, this is not all, our performance is not over, stay with us. Moreover, the family only recently moved to work in a very small city, all people are in sight. Parents consulted with their neighbors and decided to bring the child to the grandmother. They brought, explained. Such a grandmother, you will not be lustful: the eye is predatory, on the head a scarf, there is some kind of bundle of weeds on the neck, everything is as it should. I immediately asked: "What does it say?" Mom was found: "A gray top will come, I will grab me by the barrel." The grandmother put the future manager P. barrel to the open window, rolled the chicken egg in her crown, whispered to this egg something, and then gave the future manager P. and says: turn left and throw it over the left shoulder. With the “left” and “right” the future manager P. had problems. And so she perfectly hit the prayed egg into the portrait of Andropova Yu.V. And then the parents put the grandmother in their hands fifteen rubles and quickly took the girl. And the next day, the father of the future manager P. was called in the party committee of the enterprise. He thinks: here are the neighbors bastards, they themselves advised to go to the grandmother and themselves in the party committee brought about our obscurantism incompatible with the proud title of Soviet man. Father comes to the party committee, in short, opens the door to the office - this same grandmother sits, instead of a handkerchief on his head, a flea house, instead of beads, and in general - clips, a jacket, that's all. And he reports his father for the fact that a child is growing in the family, inclined to anti -Soviet hooliganism. It makes a warning, promises to take under personal control. And the father of the future manager P. leaves the party committee on completely cotton legs. And only then it turns out that - what? Yes, Lyudmila Vasilna we have a wide profile of a specialist, and it guesses, and the groom can bewitch, and it helps a lot for work if she buy a special candle and embrace three times around the desktop.

... Here, say, the optometrist K., having gathered to leave for permanent residence, comes to consult on this occasion to the Israeli consulate. There they tell him in what order what papers should be issued, and also explain what time periods what is being done. In particular, they promise that an apostille can be done in 31 days, a certificate of disgrace-in another 6 days, and something at the consulate there is a very short time, that is, if they are lucky. That is, if the apostille meets in 31 days, it is even worth celebrating, tells the optometrist K. The brisk consular lady. And no thoughtfulness in 6 days should be celebrated, and if they cope with us in 3 days ... In a word, three holidays in 40 days. And then the optometrist K. understands that this is 3 days, 9 days, 40 days. But only in the reverse order. And he understands that this is somehow connected with the direction of movement. And this thought, personally life-affirming for him personally, is very upsetting him very much.

... Here, say, the socially active writer T., tired of the fact that any attempt at an enlightened discussion with the masses certainly ends with either pedophiles or Hitler, developed two useful arguments: “Hitler did not rape children!” And "But the pedophiles of the Jews did not burn!" And since then, these two arguments work perfectly for the writer T., because in such a situation any opponent will be confused: tell the guest that his silver spoon sticks out of his pocket, and the guest proudly replies to you that he also has bronze candlesticks in gulfica.

... Here, say, important people from the center come to the laying of a certain energy complex - say, one deputy minister and one major owner (and yes, these are two different people). And the power engineers, as you know, have a tradition: when laying, throwing a clock in the still not frozen cement - to “stand for centuries”. Well, there are many jokes about it: usually they either hold who will part with the clock, or they buy an alarm clock, or they steal from the table from the table, then have fun. And here, so they called important people, and someone told them about it-to throw a clock about the custom into cement. And they showed the clock-specially bought some decent, desktop, in a metal case. And then there is a ceremony, the placed moment comes, pour cement, the senior contractor throws the clock, everything applauds. And then the deputy minister with a well -prepared gesture is removed by a clearly unfastened luxurious chronograph - and Shmyak in cement. And looks at the owner. Then the owner calmly removes from his hands an equally luxurious chronograph - and cement. Everyone is standing, no one is breathing. The senior contractor opens his mouth, hoping to transfer everything to bread and salt, and then the deputy minister takes out a gold pen from his pocket-and to cement. And looks at the owner. Then the owner takes out a pack of nala on a golden clip from the back pocket. All: “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh And he looks at the deputy minister. And then the deputy minister turns to his referent and says: "Petya, come on." And suddenly some girl from the retinue begins to scream: “No! No! Petya! No!" And everyone is ready to shout: “No, no, Petya! No! Do not jump into cement! " And Petya whites and shakes. And the deputy minister looks at him with icy eyes. And Petya is worth it. And then the deputy minister says: “B ****, Petya, throw the clock, I’ll buy this shit for you!” Well, then already bread and salt, of course.

... Here, say, the boy F., the son of liberal journalists, learns in the kindergarten from the girl D. that his parents will soon be arrested and imprisoned because they are against Russia. The boy F. is filled with horror, and then blurts out: "I then also against Russia!" Then begin to push each other with booty in the snow, tearing the pompons at the hats, the cries of educators, etc. And in the evening, the boy F. tells with pain about the incident to his parents. Parents are incredibly touched and in general, but very, of course, they worry about the boy. And they ask (by the way): "Zainka, and what does" against Russia "mean?" And it turns out that the neighbors from the house through the road were heard on the balconies, as it is now, Russian flags. And now the boy F. and his parents live against Russia.