There is nearby

Through the long St. Petersburg court, I trudge behind the bones of Shavlovsky. He leads me to look at the center “Anton here is nearby”, in which sixty to St. Petersburg autists help to find a support point in life.

In the slot of the blue sky above the courtyard, rarely croaking, raven rushes. The Bolshaya Raven of Klucks scatters right by the toe of the boot. We smoke Shavlovsky. A cigarette to pull time. I don't want to go to the center too much. Help or promise help well when you have at least a little your own strength. I have no.

Like many now. Those who ask to stop the conversation in which the words “Putin”, “War”, “Crimea”, “Ukraine” suddenly arise. And now Slavyansk, Donetsk, Odessa. A whole list of intolerable words.

A friend wrote a letter: “I'm choked. I can’t talk, I can't find words. I feel bad from my weakness. From their tongue -tied and unconvincing. I see how good, kind people who are here are processed by herbicides. Poison. They are not to blame for the processing. They believe that they know where the good is and where is evil. ” I re -read this letter several times and did not answer. Infectious dumbness.

I think about this letter, smoking with Shavlovsky in a row the third cigarette in the ringing blue and cold of the St. Petersburg court. Kostya works as the editorial director of the “Session”, and recently became a member of the board of the Foundation “Exit in St. Petersburg”. This fund, created to solve in St. Petersburg, the problems of people with autism were headed by Lyubov Arcus. Two years ago, she shot the film “Anton here nearby” about autistic Anton Kharitonov. The film and everything that during the filming and then Arcus began to happen in life and around it, as it always seemed to me, should not have left her forces for anything else. But she managed somewhere inside herself to find a little more and build a center, for the maintenance and development of which, however, neither Arcus nor anyone else has money. And this is 24 million rubles a year, almost a million dollars. Those who cannot recover and, once meeting you on the street, shake your hand: "Thank you, you saved my life."

Well, sponsors fall off from the funds, they will find new ones. Moreover, the war is soon, and in the war the people must endure deprivation. Yes?

In general, I am going to look at the center, which has nothing to live on and the very fact of which in our life is more likely a miracle than a pattern.

I look limply at cigarette smoke that quickly dissolves in the morning air and I think that there will be many children whose life is not easy, because they differ from adults, as, however, all the children, and these are still additionally different because they sometimes look at one point and freeze because they do not like to look into their eyes, because ... Well, because they have an autistic spectrum of disturbances. And, if you're lucky, they will have a school in life, and then nothing will happen anyway. But amazing people amazingly built a center for them. “It would be nice to have changed something,” I think without much hope.

“The bench was washed down,-somehow suddenly continuing the theme of the raven, says Kostya. “The center is there, in the basement.” The bright door of the toilet right to the right of the entrance. I am cowardly hiding behind her. Well, I think I’ll draw a little, and then to the children.

There were no children. There were big people. They walked, smiled, cursed, talked, and washed their hands. Curry smelled in the kitchen. The cook in tattoos throws a long green beans in a huge pan. “Guys, what they are preparing with us, are vegans,” for some reason Shavlovsky reports an apologizing tone. Anton Kharitonov sits in the far corner. And laughs. And the cook in tattoos scolds him for the fact that Anton does not clear the potatoes.

In the corridor, a few meters from the entrance to this kitchen, a sign: "Sometimes it’s good to cry is what you need for growth." I cry, invisible behind Shavlovsky. We are moving on. Someone says: “Hello. Did you brush your teeth? " In the first of the seven workshops, fenced off from the rest with a dense curtain (“And if you need a large room, then all the curtains are pushed out,” Kostya mutters joyfully from somewhere on the right), make felt tissue. Then the fabric is sewn with two ovals and stuffed with something woolen, then they sew their eyes and stripes, then fins. Pisces are obtained. Clay pots are made in the next workshop, but there is no one there.

In the largest room of the center, the one that is behind the washbasins and the inscription “Everyone needs warmth and light”, a collective occupation begins. Adults, men and women, are seated at the table in order to talk about their problems in detail. I would also like to sit at the table like this and finally talk about everyone. As soon as I think about it, my eyes are in the inscription: "It is equally important to know two things: how to be one and how to be with another." It seems that at that moment I understand for the first time that I would like to stay in the center. Or just stay here nearby.

In the workshop, people draw nearby. Beautiful blond Anton Pinchuk brings something sharply acute on the black sheet. "What are you doing?" I ask mechanically. “I draw what I have inside,” he answers quickly. "Very prickly." “What is it,” Anton shrugs. I'm lost. I have to go. In the morning, things were planned in the morning. Therefore, I get up and leave - and I do not ask for places near Anton, and I do not sit next to me.

All these days I regret that I did not. All these days, especially when someone in the company or at home at the table is desperately shaking his head, begging to stop the conversation that implies forbidden words and themes.

A colleague, turning under an arrow on a stake, rising a garden ring, suddenly says: “Imagine, I’ve been talking to my mother for a month now. No, I’m calling in the evenings, I ask: how do you feel whether I drank medicines, some household issues. But to say - no, we don’t say. I'm afraid we’ll quarrel completely. She sits all day here seems to be nearby, but far - in front of the TV, cries. And completely plunges there. I'm afraid I can no longer return it. When I say that everything is not the way she is informed in the news, she screams and angers. And accuses me of anything. As if I am to blame for the fact that a lie is poured directly into her brain. ” I lit out the window and answered nothing. I have no words to talk about it, I don’t know where they went.

It was not that somehow separately or is specially difficult. But such a meaningless life seems to have never been. Nerves are not at the limit, but they simply are not. Words, to talk, are not even for those who are their own, dear, with whom they talked all their lives. From this stuffiness it becomes physically bad. It seems that flu: legs are cotton, cast -iron head, treacherous snot.

Outside the window, a happy column is walking under the slogan “Peace. MAY. Putin ".

Usually, returning to routine life helps from depression. What are we have there? Children whose future is worse from day to day? Cinema and TV shows that skipped vigorous, not leaving memories with a picture? A work that is almost not and will not be at all tomorrow? The theory of small deeds, embodied in charity, threatening to do not today, so tomorrow? ..

Almost all of my friends are in charitable foundations. In almost all charitable foundations, emergency meetings of members of the board and trustees occur the other day. Because the funds do not really know how to work further. Large companies cancel their impressive donations in connection with the folding of business in Russia, which, in turn, is associated with the sanctions of the European Union, which are connected ... Then a bunch of words, a thousand times already spoken. Well, really, what does sick children have to do with Crimean. Well, some sponsors fall off the funds, nothing, new ones will be found. Moreover, the war is coming, and in the war the people, rallying, must be ready to endure hardships. Yes? The unwillingness to rally in the face of the war is equal to escape from the battlefield. It seems that you also love the homeland, but you do not want to wet anyone in the name of this love in the name of this love.

Those that remained are going to read the information tape, which now, in the obvious absence of sane media, has to be collected for a long time, stumbling about lies and propaganda. And this also destroys. And outside the window walks a multimillion -dollar happy column under the slogan “Peace. MAY. Putin ".

The main desire is that these scraps of information tapes, the macabar bills and their consequences, which hung and become more distinct, the thunderstorm of the war disappeared like a Morok. It seems, if you do not talk about it out loud, then it will disappear. Perhaps that is why everyone is now trying to talk about anything with each other. And do not prove anything.

I want to return to the center. There is an amazing way there is no dumbness, stuffiness and feelings that you are in the minority. Yes, I seem to have already said: everything is there - adults. There are sixty -five of them. To those who do not leave home, specialists go to visit, conduct classes there. The rest go to the center as a job. For them, this is not a leisure center or a way to pass the time among their own. Here they teach professions and skills, methods of communication, useful for life in the outside world. And here you can talk on any topic, because there is constantly someone who can answer or keep silent, hold your hand or just let your head burns in his knees when there are no words. A rare luxury in today's times.

By the way, Arkus says that I am not the first of her friends, who, having crossed the threshold of the center, with difficulty left there, forced himself to leave. Fleet fish, the smell of carry, pots or the normal opportunity to draw yourself from the inside, it turns out, are extremely necessary for those who have now have come such a non -perch. People, as many years ago, noticed Anton Kharitonov, are finite.

I wrote this note not from a journalistic habit of mental striptease, as one could assume. And in the hope that even those who have nothing but to be silent, there are no more strengths, there will be a little to help others. For example, the center "Anton here is near." Let's do what we can and where we can. The calculated account below. The center, I recall, requires at least 24 million a year for teachers, tutors, art pedagogues and psychologists. There is a fear that in a situation where considerable money will go to maintain confidence that Krymnash, for those who cannot quickly and evidence, will simply not remain. Try to convince me.

You can help the center "Anton here":

1) through the bank account

Full name - Charity Fund "Exit in St. Petersburg"
TIN 7813291528
GPP 781301001
r/account No. 40703810755040000073
BIC 044030653
K/account No. 30101810500000000653
In the North-Western Bank of Sberbank of Russia OJSC

2) through Planeta.ru

Planeta.ru/campaigns/4331

3) using SMS

In order to sacrifice the “Exit in St. Petersburg” in favor of the charity foundation, you need to send SMS to the number 7715 with the text “Exit (gap) the amount”, and the specified amount will be written off from the balance of your mobile, and then transferred to the account account.