When I was 10 years old, I was traveling on a train, and it occurred to me that not a single neighbor in the carriage knew what a pathetic person I really was. It was a real revelation: what you show to others doesn’t necessarily have to be felt.

I was born into a military family. From birth, my brothers had a plan for life—settled, predictable, and honorable. They went to the same school as their father, grandfather and great-grandfather, learned to shoot from childhood and lived by rituals. It seemed to me that being a boy was much more convenient. They had much more entertainment.

I always knew that I was not beautiful. This is a big advantage. All my beautiful friends sooner or later put their looks to use. I'm not just talking about sex. They always remember that they have blond hair, blue eyes, plump lips, and they should behave accordingly. This is a lot of pressure that I was deprived of. I was not perceived as a girl, and I did not consider myself one. I turned off sexuality in myself and found it very comfortable.

I can forgive my parents for everything , except for private school. There we were not allowed to listen to music. This is real violence against young people, especially teenagers of the punk era. It was probably done to keep us away from sex, but it was real shit. This is the only thing I still can't joke about. This is the reason I don't like Harry Potter. It fetishizes private schools.

At nineteen I joined the Communist Party . Influenced by his Cambridge professors. I am very grateful to them, they taught me the possibility of collective effort. This attracted me at the age of 19 and still attracts me.

We are constantly told that alcoholics are hopeless. Most of the truly interesting, energetic, lively people I've met have been alcoholics. I think hope is what makes people drink.

Drinking makes me sick. And even more so from drugs. Everyone around me is constantly blowing, but I can't stand grass. I tried ecstasy once, about twenty years ago, in New York, and sat silently in a corner for four days. It was educational, but I was hoping for a different effect.

I'm a quiet person. I'm happier when I'm silent.

I'm actually a model. And besides, it’s a designer product. I'm not interested in studying acting. What difference could this make? Every story you play, even if it takes place in a realistic setting, is still artificial. You're just pretending. You have 90 minutes to pitch your character idea. If you're only in a couple of scenes, you have to work very quickly, and in any case you're playing a fake person. Therefore, portraying the White Witch or a housewife washing dishes is about the same thing. A witch is even simpler: if you play a non-human, it is in some sense more honest.

I never look for roles, or even films, I look for colleagues. When you make a movie, you enter into a relationship that lasts for years - at least the kind of films that I'm usually involved in. “Orlando,” for example, we did for five years. You need to be sure that you are ready to let these people into your life.

I went to the Oscar ceremony as a tourist . Imagine, you got tickets to the Wimbledon final, sat down in the stands, and they called you and gave you a racket. I was overcome with horror when my name was called. Standing on stage in front of three billion people is traumatic. It would be better if they sent the prize by mail.

The Oscar means almost nothing to my household. They didn't even recognize him because they don't watch TV. They were as interested as if I had come home with a cucumber, put it on the table and said, “Look what I have!”

I only acted in experimental films, even if some of them cost hundreds of millions of dollars. The people I worked with understood this, and those who don’t understand don’t even come close to me. One agent told me: “Tilda, when are you going to star in something you don’t like for a change.”

My favorite movie character is the donkey from the movie "At Luck, Balthazar" (1966 film by Robert Bresson - Esquire ). Quite seriously. Either because he's a great player or just because he's an ass. I identify with him. This, in my opinion, is the function of the actor, so that the audience projects themselves into him. It's certainly not about playing.

People call me “sir” every now and then, in elevators or on the street. Probably because I'm long and don't overuse lipstick. One day I was going through customs at the airport and a male customs officer searched me.

I like cosmetics, but if you want to look like yourself, this is not the best way. Makeup makes you look like someone else.

It is characteristic of English culture punish artists. The only way to survive is to ignore national boundaries, because cultural boundaries are much more important. You can be alone in your hometown, but somewhere in Tokyo, New York or Belgium you can feel like you are among relatives and neighbors in the yard. At least it's always like that for me.

I don't think about the future and I don't want to know what will happen. I don't need any guarantees.

In my opinion, doubt makes us human. Without a doubt, even a righteous person will lose not only his sense of reality, but also his sense of himself. There is something crazy about the absence of doubt.

Our best female role models are Lara Croft and Erin Brockovich. That's great, but why keep making movies about extraordinary women? Except that constantly making films about extraordinary men is even worse.

The too well-hung tongues of theater scriptwriters have given rise to the myth that everyone is able to clearly express their thoughts as soon as they come to his mind. This is not true. I strive to work with directors who are interested in tongue-tiedness.

I'm too lazy to show people my work. I have the audacity to believe that films find their audience on their own. A bad Hollywood movie will immediately be lost at the box office, but my films, which have been shown for decades, will be seen by many people.

At Keira Knightley's age, I kept my head down. She avoided leading and romantic roles. I really wanted to be forty. Maybe it’s for the best that I wasn’t on the radar, because I didn’t have time to bore everyone to death.

I never stopped being a communist. The Communist Party of Great Britain simply no longer exists. It became the party of the left democrats. My membership in the party was an act of faith in the ideals of justice and the welfare state. The parliamentary left abandoned these ideals.

I'm glad that I helped old Walt D. (Disney. - Esquire ) collect more than 700 million dollars (For the film "The Chronicles of Narnia." - Esquire ). This is perhaps the most expensive advertisement for my previous experimental films that could be imagined. Also, I believe in the meaningful message of Narnia. In my universe, Beavers can talk.

At work I am a real soldier. Only my chances of survival are higher.

Until I was 17, I sucked my thumb. I don't remember why I stopped. I've tried it a few more times since then, but it doesn't work anymore.

I try to include George Clooney in every new contract I sign. It's not easy, but I'm doing my best. As a consolation, they give me Brad Pitt. George and I hope to exchange at least a few kind words at the movies someday.

We live at the mercy of people who, dressed up as God's messengers, drag us into wars. The righteousness of goals is now used to justify anything. It's amazing how easily people fall for it. Religious extremism is found everywhere, but the fascist approach and the language of absolutism coming from Washington are to blame for this.

We live in an era of pseudo-reality: always awake, too tired and restless to dream, with a dull gaze glued to a reality show in which reality people cook reality food, buy clothes for reality bodies and play with life.

We are accustomed to stories that last thirty minutes, including commercials, so is it any wonder that we are not prepared to wait more than 90 minutes for the ending, including popcorn.

I fight for documentary. For the unbleached face and uneven gait. For an emotionally authentic family scene. For the painful choice of words. For an open, or perhaps unhappy, ending. For a shoe coming off the heel, and the movement of the foot to correct it. For a broken egg and spilled milk. For the idea of tongue-tiedness. For the space of cinema in which nothing happens, but everything is possible.

I'm too serious to be an amateur, and I don't have enough qualifications to be a professional.

I'm very funny - it's just that no one notices it. Everyone is scared by long people with serious faces.

I've always been attracted to really bad guys. At school I read Paradise Lost (a poem by John Milton - Esquire ), and Satan seemed sexy to me. Fluffy and soft characters scare me.

When the twins were born, I woke up in every way. Stopped messing around. I haven't had a second of free time for several years.

It's sacrilegious to admit that you enjoy being away from your children, but it's so nice to just lie in bed in the morning. Making films, traveling around the world - all this madness became much easier to bear after 14 months of breastfeeding.

Three things can get me out of bed: my kids, the movie I'm in, and the movie I want to see. I'm very lazy.

I once lay in a glass box with my eyes closed for a week , eight hours a day. As an artistic performance (at the exhibition The Maybe in 1995 - Esquire ). When it ended, I decided to never do anything like that again. But now I want to repeat it. I want to die this way when I’m really old.

I live with the father of my children, but each of us has long had our own personal life. I don't think it's that strange. Nothing has changed for us. We lived happily for five years in this configuration. Then I won the Bafta (British Academy Film Award - Esquire ), and a certain kind of press became interested in me. The day before, I was just a freak. They made a radio show about me and my scandalous marriage. My friend listened to her and says that everyone who called asked: “What’s the problem?”

They say that our house is full of orgies. These are fantasies. Everything is very simple: the couple had children, they stopped being a couple, formed new connections and are raising children. Unfortunately, we don't all sleep together. Everything is much more boring.

I don't care about the noise in the press. How not interested in the ridicule of classmates. This does not affect our life in any way.

Children often go against their parents. It is likely that mine will grow up to be fascist accountants.

Nothing prevents me from filming naked, I don’t understand what the question is. I don't have much to hide. In The War Zone, I took off my clothes almost immediately after the birth of my twins.

I like the “adult” rating . More adult films!

Being a movie star is cool. I like it when people wave at me at airports. Being an art house freak isn't bad either, but it's like an elite sport.

Hollywood salaries are ridiculous. Nobody gets paid 10 or 20 million dollars to film. This is the price to pay for paparazzi attention and giving up privacy.

My home is a shame-free zone.

When we travel, we play shit eater. This is a card game that Sandro and I came up with (artist Sandro Kopp, Swinton's boyfriend - Esquire ). At the hotel or airport lounge, we unpack the cards and play shit eater.

Everything that interested me as a child was cursed by my family. When it comes to art, my parents are extraordinary prudes.

I look exactly like my father if he shaved. I also look like David Bowie. Not only in appearance, but also in the uncertainty of gender.

I never expected that they would understand me.

I'm great at parking in reverse.

I'm very, very happy.

Tilda Swinton's rules of life