When there is no agreement in the comrades

Millennial traditions attribute to men and women a certain behavior and, accordingly, the distribution of roles in marriage: men are independent, assertive and initiative, women are soft and compliant, smooth conflicts - their destiny. It is generally accepted that married couples with a traditional distribution of roles live happier than evading such behavior.

However, men do not always want to make decisions or at all costs to achieve their implementation, and not all women like to concede and obey. Does this mean that their marriage is doomed? Three American researchers under the leadership of Diana T. Sanchez, associate professor of the University of Ratger, undertook to prove that this is not so. In their opinion, the union is stable if at least someone is ready to make concessions in a couple.

The study was attended by 162 heterogeneous couples, supporting at least three months. All participants in the experiment were over 18 years old. Only one pair consisted of marriage, three had children, only 12% of couples lived together, the rest met. The average experience of such a “paired state” was 21–22 months. The group was heterogeneous in racial terms (white, blacks, Asians, Spaniards, interracial hybrids, even one Indian came across), the third pairs were mixed. These people were attracted by an announcement, promising $ 50 for participating in a survey. The couples came to the laboratory together, but each answered questions in a separate room.

But then there was a problem how and what to ask them about. The participants were offered a questionnaire in which it is necessary to evaluate passivity or activity, rudeness or softness, kindness, subordination or a tendency to leadership, self -confidence, self -confidence in themselves and a partner. However, a person is far from always capable of objective estimates: he tries to imagine himself and a partner in the best light or does not want to deviate from gender norms of behavior. Therefore, the study participants were offered another test, indirect, in which it was necessary to sort words that traditionally characterize leaders (strong, powerful, command, leading and similar to them) and peacekeepers (warm, kind, caring, etc.), for two groups related to the partner and themselves. In addition, researchers took into account the comparative aspect. For example, a girl does not think about herself as an active person, but in a relationship she is more active and initiative than her partner. This is a very important indicator, but in gender research it is rarely used.

And finally, psychologists assessed the quality of the relationship of each pair (Relationship Health), for this they had special tests to determine the satisfaction with relations, their stability and confidence in the partner.

The researchers were interested in whether the explicit and indirect (subconscious) assessment of a person would coincide with whether it is possible to judge the quality of relations and whether the quality of the relevant gender roles affects this quality, that is, whether the leader is necessarily in a strong pair, and the woman agrees with him.

As psychologists expected, a clear and indirect assessment of a person does not always coincide. Men, in accordance with gender stereotypes, declared themselves more assertive and active than women, and women saw themselves softer than men. In an indirect assessment, men rather attributed themselves to active personalities, and women are equally active and obedient.

It is interesting that indirect assessments of partners are most often copters: if one of them sees himself as a leader, the other is more compliant. At the same time, 35% of pairs are traditionally complementary: he subconsciously sees itself as a leader, it is inferior; 17% are unconventional (leader - she);

At 15%, both partners consider themselves rather compliant (it is interesting that representatives of both sexes, even recognizing clear leadership, did not deny themselves softness) and in 33% of pairs both characters see themselves rather a leader than subordinates.

Researchers have determined that the duration of relations and the age of individuals did not affect the assessment of the quality of relations. Paul influenced: the girls were more satisfied with the relationship of the couple than men. Those who clearly consider themselves, a partner or both together with compliant people are satisfied with a joint life. But a comparison of oneself with a partner turned out to be much more informative. If both subconsciously admit themselves to the leaders, their relationships are not very good, and the more assertive both are, the worse. It does not matter much more stable relationships in complementary pairs, where having conceded one of the partners, it doesn’t matter whether a woman or a man, or both partners are equally active and are ready for compromises. Couples, where both see themselves compliant, are comparable in quality of relationships with complementary.

It is not useful for relations if both partners consider themselves more active than another (these features are found in indirect tests). But if both are compliant or at least one, not necessarily a woman, relationships will be adjusted. In other words, only two stubborn people will not get along. Who would have thought!

Young DM, Moss-Racusin Ca, Sanchez dt Implicit Agency, Communality, and Perceptual Conceptual Coupeles: Implications for Relationship Health // Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. 2014. No. 55. PP . 133 - 138