How I found everything in Tinder except sex

This very story about sex in the big city in the digital era is told by our full-time nu-photographer Nikita (in the sense, he takes off Nude, not naked). Reader! Do not forget that we are conducting the census of your wild, stupid, idiotic, beyond, terrible and outrageous stories - right here . We carefully read the mail, read your stories, and everything will certainly be published if the story is cool. Thank you!

The year turned out to be unsuccessful for personal life. There was one such long story that has eaten the brain and heart for us for a long time. We converged, parted, did not part and met and further. At the end of the year, it turned out that one to live further somehow not very much. The human warmth is not enough, there is no one to talk about trifles with, there is no dinner for anyone. Well, yes, of course, sex.

You can, of course, in the old fashioned way: get drunk with a friend in a bar, a muddy look to find the same suffering. But, Kamon, the twenty -first century has long been. There's an app for that shit.

So Tinder appeared on my phone. You start yourself an account, write compliments about yourself and catch the best photos from your profile on Facebook. The principle is old, like the skin of a mammoth: you are shown photos of candidates, likes - pile to the right, in the firebox - pile to the left. If there is a mutual like, a chat opens. Something similar, it seems, was on the "lady" (you will not believe it, but this site still works). I was still sitting there. I met one girl and photographed her on a film camera in some park. At the next meeting, we went to the attic, she undressed, and I photographed her on a digital camera. And after that we became excellent friends.

A couple of years ago, I had a story with a similar mechanism of mutual like: I celebrated the New Year, I was pretty drunk and for two hours I talked very nicely with a beautiful young lady ... Well, everything was clear to me and her. Just the party was very, very good, and we both did not want to leave early.

But then an unlikely accident happened-she screeched and ran away to hug some dude. It turned out that a year ago, they met New Year together at Bali, something was glued, but the fate-prisoner separated them, and since then they could not find them in any way. And here on you. What a coincidence.

The young lady behaved unexpectedly: she decided to find another woman to me. We walked, she pointed a finger at different and asked, they say, how do you like it? And I am: "No, come on another." Sweep to the left, in short. At some point, the highest mermaid came out of the pool. I immediately made a decisive swipe to the right: I nodded my head like an abnormal one.

The young lady ran to the mermaid, poked a finger at me, asking something. The mermaid also nodded. I will omit the details, but the New Year was a success.

In the new reality, everyone grows in a hump. To make it more convenient to look at the phone. All processes migrate online. For example, Tinder. The creators of the application say that it is to search for new friends. But we understand that they are somewhat crooked with your soul. This is an application in order for boys and girls to have sex.

Well, if there is also friendship there sometimes, it is also fine. And one friend of mine, for example,, instead of personal happiness, found a new customer. Which is also not bad. By the way, he is still in search of a girl. And the “Tinder” stopped using - disappointment has come.

I, in fact, too. Now I'll tell you why.

For example, there was a mutual like, and the Tinder cheerfully reports, they say, the owner, you are incredible and you have a Match. A chat with a beautiful girl opens.

Well, in the chatter you need to shine with the mind and erudition to lure the phone number or account on the social network. Like, it is inconvenient in Tinder, it’s better to correspond in another messenger. Yeah, how ... it is better, of course, at the same time lure Facebook - you can see more photos. Well, somehow try to know a person by his activity on the social network. And then once came on a date a girl, who ... was noticeably different from herself in photographs in the profile of Tinder. And possessed the manners of the Patet. And in the chate she was sweet and looked perfectly.

After I lured the number, you need to attach any nonsense. Like, you are so interesting. And then play the card: digital reality, all the persimmon, let's finally stop developing our novel in a large epistolary form. Date!

It is better, of course, some original. The girl who works as a stewardess promised to come to visit and wash the floors. She came to visit, but did not wash the floors. I drank tea, I fried cutlets. An hour later she left. I probably didn't like it.

Another girl arrived in the morning before work and prepared breakfast for me. My neighbor was very surprised when she woke up. I was also very surprised. I left and we didn’t see each other. I probably didn't like it either.

Another one took me to the ballet. The ballet was steep. Once again I managed to go to another setting of the same troupe. I wanted to get there any other of the Tinder-two refused. I had to go with a bearded friend.

With another, just went for a walk around Moscow. In the end, they hugged to the bar, where, after two Mataevs, she was pretty drunk. He spent it home, played in a gentleman. It was very frozen when we smoked along the latter at her entrance (ah, with what relief the girls are lit on a date when they find out that you are smoking too). Disractible. No longer saw each other. I probably didn't like it either.

With another one we walked around Moscow. From bar to bar. Despite the fact that she did not drink. And I did not deny myself. When they parted, she somehow very interestingly kissed me. I didn’t see each other anymore - I didn't like it.

Another came to visit me to be photographed - an amazing young lady. My head was dizzy, and I was in love. We drank two bottles of wine, it undressed, and I got completely magical pictures. Which she then forbade me to use very online, because she has serious work and all things. I lost, but promised that as soon as it reaches the exhibition - it would not turn away.

Then we saw her again - she found an hour of free time in a dense schedule. And no longer saw each other. I probably didn't like it.

And about the tenth of such a date, it dawned on me. My alter ego in chats, Facebooks and anywhere-this is a completely separate character, despite the fact that he has my image in his profile. The maximum that he is capable of is cool electric sex. But I'm not looking for sex. And something completely different.

You have to act in the old fashioned way. Sketch out of the shell, go out into the world, talk, look into the eyes, follow gestures, flip smiles. Search for a reflection of something native in the eyes.

But the more you try, the worse it comes out. You can’t try too much. Too few too. I am looking for a balance. It doesn't work out. I enjoy the holidays alone. After all, there are also advantages. No one needs to cook there. You can be silent. But hugging with a pillow is definitely a drawback.

And sex, yes ... the Tender application did not delete on the phone. But I'm not expecting anything from him.