On the benefits of unsuccessful dates

The editor of the resources of Julia Dudkin in his column continues to study the most basic resource - human feelings.

Probably, I should be wary even when he came to meet in training. Or even earlier - when he said that he was allergic to book dust. However, I'll start in order.

I often hear from the older generation a remark in the spirit: “Here we had romance, we went on dates, everything is as it should. What do you have? Then you just drink beer together, then you live together, then do not live, damn your leg. ” It always seemed to me that dates were the quintessence of awkwardness. After all, you won’t go on a date with a person who you know for a hundred years? So, you are almost not familiar, sit and try to guess how the interlocutor will react to the next phrase and to say this so that it is interesting. At the same time, everyone is trying to pretend that he is not a neurotic, not a sociophobe, and not a depressive bore, but a very cheerful and sociable person. In general, this is also a few hours of continuous hypocrisy.

But recently, dear reader, my next love boat crashed about everyday life, and I thought: is it not a chance to give humanity? One evening, my friend and I drank beer, and he says: “Why don't you set yourself Tinder ? I have here. " I always treated this service with distrust, but by that time I had already managed to order a second mug, and in general I was in a state of affect. So together we installed the application for me, and I climbed to see who is registered there and what they all want. My acquaintances, who have long and actively use this service, often complain that they put mutual likes to different subjects, and they do not write to them. So, apparently I am very very nothing, because I was written by absolutely everyone I found at least more or less attractive.

I like one guy, because on the avatar he was sitting in the rain studio. I thought that it was unlikely to call there a completely worthless person. When a person began to actively write my messages, I looked at his other photos and saw an incredible photo shoot in a giant black leather chair with a bottle of champagne. Then I decided that I would not go on a date with him, he is most likely a maniac.

The second guy wrote to me: "Hello, have you ever been to the climbing?" I have never been there, and reported it. "Let's go next week?" - he immediately suggested. Tell me, dear reader, can you climb uphill (even fake) with a person about whom you do not know at all and who did not even admire who you are at all and what are you interested in? What if he is a drug addict? Or does not like animals? Or is it even in United Russia?

One guy, seeing my place of work, wrote to me: "I am not a transformer." I looked at the profile: loves dogs, skills on snowboarding, pretty pretty, and even with a beautiful name. He writes competently. Okay, we corresponded for several days, and then he says: “Are you going to Elbrus? Will you give a link to your Instagram? I’ll even look at the pictures of the mountain. ” So, after that he went on Instagram, put hearts under all the photos where I am, my dog ​​or mountains, and then wrote: “You have a lot of photos with alcohol.” And fell silent. Everything is clear with this too.

After sitting a little more in Tinder, I once again made sure that the dates were a stupid undertaking, and went home. And so, at the intersection between Kamerger Lane and Bolshaya Dmitrovka, a young man comes up to me and declares that he wants to meet me. He looks like a copy of Steve from “sex in a big city”, and this, in my opinion, is undeniable dignity. My new acquaintance was introduced, and it turned out that his name is consonant with mine, and this is also pleasant. But I, in order not to give him out, I will call my new acquaintance by Erem. So, in the first five minutes of the conversation, Erema mentioned that he had an allergy to book dust. "What horror, how do you read?" - I was amazed. “From the tablet,” Erema waved, and I believed. Then he said that he works as a programmer and participated in the development of the Plato system. Now I think it was a sign - it was necessary to turn around and leave. But no, for some reason I continued to talk with him and did not leave, even when he asked: “So you are a journalist? Do you accidentally write about celebrities? ” And this, dear reader, is a question that annoys me in much the same way as “so you will take an interview from me? Where is your notebook? ”

In general, Erem and I agreed to meet on the weekend, drink coffee and walk a little. After all, this does not oblige me to anything, why not take a walk, not breathe a poisonous Moscow air?

Reader, I once told you why I think that I am not a magl. That evening, when we met with Erem, I once again became convinced that I belonged to the magical world. This guy turned out to be a real dementor. In the sense that he constantly tried to apply a kiss to me, and, I have no doubt that if he succeeded, I would lose my soul, mind and magical abilities. Imagine: I'm walking down the street, and next to it - this dementor in training. I tell him about what text I am writing now (and I always tell everyone about it), and then he grabs my hand and persistently tries to bring his face to mine. I stop an attempt, and in ten minutes the same thing is repeated. The rest of the time, he is trying to get me or panterly push me to the side when he thinks he was joking. At the same time, from everything that I tell, Erema seems to be not understanding a word and does not even bother to ask what the magazine in which I work is called. When we start talking about books, it turns out that a new friend really reads, but exclusively fiction. And when I tell Erem that I don’t want to kiss people whom I don’t know at all, he says very thoughtfully: “But I want to kiss ... um ... when I want to kiss.”

It seems that literally in one evening I managed to become an ardent feminist. Often people think that feminism is not to shave armpits and demand from men to give birth. But, in fact, everything is much simpler and begins with elementary respect. The girl is not needed to kiss. The girl is a man. Even if you paid for coffee.

You, the reader, probably read and cannot understand why I tell you all this. I’ll reveal the secret: once our samizdat was a chronicle of very bad dates , and I didn’t inscribe anything in it, because I had nothing to tell. And then I was very offensive. So, now I closed Gestalt - I also have a story about a very bad date.

When I was completely tired of Erema, I said that I had to go home to the flight home, and turned to go down in the subway. Then Erema once again grabbed my hand and made a desperate attempt to suck my soul, but I turned away sharply. Before I left, a new acquaintance, you will not believe, tried to slap me on the pope. It’s not that small for me, I don’t even know how in such a situation you could miss, but he succeeded. So I once again became convinced that adults are not always right. Dates are complete nonsense and profanity.

My column is called "On the benefits of unsuccessful dates." You, the reader, probably ask what the benefits are here? The fact is that all the way home I laughed in my voice and could not stop at all. And laughter, as you know, prolongs life. So, thanks to Ereme, I will live for a long time and, I hope, very happily.