Collision of presumptions

On September 9, 1999, a residential building was blown up in Moscow on Guryanov Street. September 13 - a residential building on the Kashirsky highway. Since then we know that the house is not a fortress, but our safety is an illusion

Recently, I first experienced a feeling that, as it turned out, many people around me experience regularly. This is what happened: an unfamiliar girl at the airport asked my neighbor in line to register to look after her suitcase, the girl was not good and it was necessary to run away for water. There was no luggage of the mistress for ten minutes, but, by my deep amazement, by the time of her return I managed to survive a lot: the first timid unpleasant thoughts about the possible contents of the suitcase of the stranger (suddenly explosives?), A strong anxiety from the memories of hundreds of terrorist attacks at the airports (the direct participant and witnesses of which I was not), remorse for bad thought, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant, unpleasant. The feeling in connection with the idea that my duty is to turn to the airport security service, the beginning of classical panic. Then the innocent girl returned and reunited with her suitcase. And remorse continued their victorious procession for me.

Shocked by the novelty, I wrote about my little emotional adventure post on Facebook. Comments on him struck me even more than the very reason. As it turned out, hundreds of my friends have long and regularly experience exactly the same feelings - in the range from persistent anxiety to panic attacks. Some drink sedatives before the flight, others do not get on the metro train with passengers who seem to be suspicious (most often we are talking about external signs of ethnic or religious affiliation). Others always and immediately show super -bondness and a little that they turn to the competent authorities, others prefer to avoid, trying to minimize, for example, travel. All this was a surprise to me.

It’s a shame, they told me, Tanya, not to overdo it, but to not get unnecessary, ashamed, burning in milk, not to blow into the water

An even greater surprise was that many commentators, not without irritation, explained to me that only fools in cases where vigilance was manifested and turned out to be in vain, they experience remorse and shame. It’s ashamed to not suspect anyone, literally anyone, in the intention of blowing up the airport (airports explode), but it’s a shame not to bring your suspicions to the attention of specially trained people, they said to me. It’s a shame, they told me, Tanya, not to overdo it, but to not get unnecessary, ashamed, burning in milk, not to blow into the water. It is a shame to be ashamed of your fear, which is always (always, ”many commentators emphasized) is justified:“ Didn't you see exactly how such a terrorist attack was committed? And such and such? " In general, condescending sympathy was expressed to me, but strictly pointed out the immaturity of my reaction (awkwardness for myself) and the mismatch of a new reality: “Forget the stupidity, baby, it is time to grow up, now it is so, yes”.

It should be noted that the most close to the shoulder comments belonged to my friends who either live in Israel or are closely connected with it. What is not surprising: Israel, in essence, is a whole country with PTSD (post -traumatic stress disorder - TD), since the horror of terror there is real and daily. The first thing that the guest arrived there is taught is to recognize the scream of the “suspicious subject” in Hebrew. Israeli friends explained to me in the comments to my post-stroke that I just finally embarked on the path of correction, that this is the only way we could warn and prevent a lot.

At the site of the explosion of a residential building on Guryanov Street photo: Vladimir Mashatin/TASS

I, as they say, thought a lot. In particular, because, for example, in my international family, we, having discussed a long time and have repeatedly and, together with the children, the realities of the new world, decided for ourselves that we simply will not take them into account. We will not take into account, for example, the probability of a terrorist act on one of our many typical routes of life, we will not build our plans based on the statistics of disasters and incidents, we will not think about the evil, saving energy. Because otherwise we will only think about him, and in our heads a whole unit of anti -terrorism intelligence, but amateur will begin to function in our heads; The horror, meanwhile, is inevitable, but the randomomen, no matter how invent the system of playing the roulette, the casino will always win, people are dying in autocatastrophs every second as the AS We Speak, the reconnaissance play is not worth the name. Having accepted this fatalistic presumption (psychologists would call this move ourselves to ousting), we calmed down. However, the horror in Sheremetyevo still suddenly overtook me, completely against my will. And this, I confess, upset me, even very much.

People watching the development of disaster at a distance (for example, on TV) often experience stress much larger than direct participants

I went and also signed the literature. In particular, about the PTSD, about the fact that, according to many studies, people observing the development of catastrophes at a distance (for example, on TV) often experience stress much more than direct participants. About retravmatization, about mirror neurons, about the treatment of PTSD, etc. It became easier for me, rationalization - one of the most tested mechanisms of psychological defense, is definitely suitable for me. But in general, I admit, all my protective mechanisms are significantly weakened and sometimes cannot cope with their most important task. Namely, to provide me with a sufficient level of serenity. Which, in turn, is for me, though insufficient, but a necessary condition for happiness. I think not only for me.

Tatyana Malkina Photo: Vladimir Trefilov/RIA Novosti

I have professional deformation: I am a heavy, drunken information alcoholic, News Junkie. I cope with this ailment, as I can, with varying success. It has long been clear - the inherent and passionate tracking of news, in particular, not even have even an indirect attitude to me, is only my personal way to ensure symbolic control over reality. I know, I need it, I am not afraid, warned-warmed, in the course, I will not be taken by surprise. Funny, but to some extent works. Anxiety is part of my nature, to overcome and eradicate it, to euthanize, distract and speak your teeth sometimes, and then bread.

In history with a suitcase, I was terribly upset that the defense mechanism that I invented in childhood failed. A hereditary Jewish-atheist, I came up with a child something like a religion (once again confirming that everyone needs one-and everyone needs at least a little opium to survive): a presumption of innocence. Until now, this quasi-religious (in my case) is a belief in total innocence or, at least, in the goodness of the thoughts of any living in the very least , allowing me to avoid thoughts about the badness of everything. No, you don’t need to make Hitler Stalin, there are proven crimes. My religion was invented for my small world and is true for ordinary normal people, for relatives, friends, colleagues, neighbors, compatriots, etc. But life is increasingly experiencing my shell for strength and stability.

Residents of the house on Guryanov Street in Moscow, where on the night of September 8 to 9 there was an explosion of photos: Nikolai Malyshev/TASS

September 1 in Beslan is my nightmare. For it is almost unbearable for me to live with the thought that victims could be avoided if you just want to (and, no, I’m not sure that now it makes sense to start every school line in the country with a minute of memory of Beslan children, in any case, I definitely do not need it).

I can’t think about explosions in Moscow houses in terms of conspiracy theory, I can’t read about sugar bags, because the assumption of cynical murder destroys me physically.

I fell ill from the story with school No. 57, for I categorically cannot internally join either his “ata” or “what is it?” However, I cannot pretend that all this was not, or that all this does not matter.

I can not doubt the super -shaped presumption that you should always be on the side of the victim. And at the same time, I refuse to recognize the norm with the habit of suspecting any suitcase, any person with a characteristic beard and in spacious clothes, any president or head of the security service, any teacher or any student. I have a crisis - a clash of equal -dimensional presumptions. It hurts very much. There is no question of serenity.

I have a crisis - a stagnation of equal -dimensional presumptions. It hurts very much

It seems to me that in the same state today there are much more people than inclined to admit it. The world has really changed. On the one hand, a relatively new idea of security and comfort as the highest value, gradually mastered the minds of mankind, on the other hand, there is no absolute security and cannot be, as there is now no such terrible event that we would soon not recognize in the smallest details. On the one hand, we live in time significantly less cannibalist than ever. On the other hand, our ideas about the unacceptable \ acceptable level of cannibalism are developing ahead of pace. The level of Zen, which is required to be achieved today, in order to joyfully and calmly observe the modern world in all its diversity, paradoxically significantly higher than before. In particular, because we are spoiled, because a person quickly gets used not only to the bad, but also to the good, because from many wisdom there are many sorrows, and many news from many news. Because we are ordinary animals - we are always afraid for our offspring and our hole. Because we are cunningly arranged intelligent animals - every time we invent all new ways to feel safe. Just do not always have time for the challenges of time. In any case, I do not have time yet.

In general, I obviously have PTSD, so far to a mild degree. And I am aware that there is no perfect treatment from him. I understand that I will not achieve absolute wisdom during this life. I know that everyone copes with their ptprav in different ways. I admit that everyone should get their injury/injury, without which it is impossible to grow up. I am growing up. And I understand that I value my presumptions. I will take care of them, I will cultivate my stupid garden and cover my roses with a glass cap. There are no correct or wrong ways to protect against fear in general and from fear of death in particular. There are working or not working, suitable or not. In essence, any good. I realized that I want to be capable of showing an uncontrolled (ok, frivolous) responsiveness to strangers and trusting in the world. I am so nicer, it’s so easier for me, and I will invent some new rationalization. And there we'll see. And do not call me a fool for this, I'm just sick.

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Beslan terrorist attack