"It would be better if I died ... Good morning!"

The story that a woman in broad daylight in front of her children can rape an average bastard seems to be a fruit of a sick imagination. But she is nowhere more real

We help the sisters help

“I have a problem. Help. The son began to rush at toys. As if he ... how to say it ... Sexual intercourse imitates. How to make him stop? "

She sat at a reception with a children's psychotherapist. I heard my son chirped outside the door in the gaming zone. She was to tell the doctor the truth.

***

“Everything is fine, Nikita, don’t be scared, it’s my uncle and I just play. Such a game in the fight. How are uncles on TV, remember? " - She repeated, while the lean unshaven man, smelling of rotten teeth and moldy plaster, was tearing her from the inside.

At that moment, the pain for her no longer mattered. Because the fear was stronger. She did not know if he would kill her after that or not. In a dull renunciation, I sorted out options in my head. “Probably Nikita will remain next to her corpse. And then Vitka will find them. He will grab it at least in half an hour. After all, they walked together. If only Nikita did not run away. And then it will be lost. Well, even a small one is sleeping. And where, in the name of the whole saint, people. Did everyone extract? When they need them! Damn ... But what if he lied? What if he is not only me? .. "

Vitka is a husband. They returned from a picnic together when Victor almost at the exit from the park, who was injected with under -eaten food and garbage bags, abandoning: “Catch up, I’ll stand at the entrance, I’ll smoke.”

Nikita is the eldest son, the senior group of kindergarten.

He is a person without a face who, in broad daylight, raped her in front of children.

She is a real person who continues to live with us side by side. It’s just that it is vital to remain unnamed. Therefore, today, “her” has no name for me, no age, nor your hometown. It is all the worst to realize that “it” can be each of those who are right now near you.

At the time of violence, an unknown person never know whether he will kill or leave to live with it

“At the time of violence by an unknown person, you never know whether he will kill or leave to live with it. Existential horror is also added to pain, humiliation, suppression. They are tortured, and at that time you look into the eyes of your own death, ”Olga Yurkova, director of an independent charitable center for helping the sexual violence of the sisters, which we asked to comment on this story, tells me.

***

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She was lucky to survive. At some point, she even experienced some kind of gratitude to him. "You won’t twitch, your puppies will not touch." He did not deceive. Not hesitated. Not killed.

Then, already six months later, she realized how wildly this feeling was. After all, a person did not just invade it and trampled it. He broke her world.

“After the act of violence, any woman frantically tries to regain a sense of stability and power over her own life,” Olga explains. -So she lived, rejoiced or upset, but was engaged in everyday business, planned, went to some purposes. And then overnight all of it, as it turns out, the crystal castle collapses. A kind of evil giant accidentally steps on him. In the case of violence in public places, in the city, in the parks - it is by chance. After all, this kind of rapists do not choose a victim, they choose only a place and time. Their task is not to get caught. Therefore, do not believe it if society imposes a stereotype for you that they are raped only at night or only young, or only sick perverts. This is not at all like that.

Violence is aggression, the suppression of another person. The rapist can be quite respectable in ordinary life. Even too much. Not able to answer the aggression of authorities or wife. And splashing all this to an accidental victim. Random and not posing a danger to him. Children, not children. It doesn't matter to them. It is important that there are ways to retreat. And there were no passers -by. On the side of the rapist there is always an advantage: surprise and thoughtfulness. He chooses a place and time. And you just find yourself in the wrong place at that time. And this unthinkable accident destroys your whole life.

This kind of rapists do not choose the victim, they choose only a place and time. Their task is not to get caught

After the crime, many try to enter the usual track. Plan, set goals, live for loved ones. This is an attempt to resist the fact that your life was trampled. It seems like: since everything is as usual with me, then they could not harm me as much as they would like. And therefore, very many turn to a psychologist in six months or a year. When the forces end. Before that, they are jerking off. A sort of Katerina Marmeladov. "I'm strong, I can handle it, I'll take it out." For your beloved. For self -esteem. And then in one far from a beautiful morning something wakes up in which there are no vitality. All. There is no one to export. Only a mess of depression and guilt remains. ”

***

When she crawled to the entrance, the smoking husband simply became furious: “Where are you at all hanging around? An hour to the house weave. I have been hung with bags - and then for half an hour I stick out here. Look at yourself at all. All in the mud. Where did you just lie? " Angry. Grumbled. No, he is generally good. He did not know. Who will come to mind at all? In broad daylight? Later, when she got out of the bathroom (she shakes her all, in her eyes-damp), then he only suspected that something was wrong.

She laid the children, but she could not calm down. Even the vodka asked her husband. He poured without sound, although he knew that she had never drank. Well, she told ...

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The husband closed and washed down. And the closest girlfriend with whom she shared the misfortune, comforted how she could: “Well, you can understand him. Well this is a shame, I would have died better than I allowed me to do this. What will people say? " And people said. The first to say in the police.

“You would come a year later. Why were they sitting at home? They thought it was love, but he did not call back? Offended, decided to apply? Are we looking for your groom? " It did not fit in my head, as it could be said aloud the raped person. Even in a joke. But it was in reality. This was said by people who are designed to protect. And she no longer returned there. What is the point of testifying to those who turn the application for interrogation with addiction, who are trying to blame and evade work.

And then the grandmothers spoke at the entrances. “There, there, went. Well, she, a slut, trampled in our park. Vitka her - what a good man was. Industrious. And now, over there, the month does not dry. ” They began to poke a finger, as if it were guilty of it - both in rape and in the weakness of her husband. And she went into her herself. I was constantly spinning in my head: "It would be better if I died than allowed me to do this." Maybe it was really better to die? Vitka would have found boys. And he would not have to be ashamed of her. Maybe I would not have been washed down. And why does she need such a life? This is not her life at all. Her life was before that. And now ...

You would come a year later. Why were they sitting at home? They thought it was love, but he did not call back?

Before that was a sunny day. Vitka had a rare weekend in the middle of the week. They decided to not take Nikita into the garden and go to the park to the park together. They baked pancakes, planned that to buy, looked for a folding box for a picnic, laughed all the time. “What were we joking there? Do not remember. For some reason, for some reason, they laughed all the time. And now Vitka does not even smile. ” Life was bright, correct, understandable and its own. And then it became dirty, gray and alien. Every day he reminded that she was not at all able to manage her fate. From from where a person smelling of a rot may arise and take everything away from her - honor, husband, calmness, laughter. And every morning it began with the same thoughts: "It would be better if I died ..."

***

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Children. Only the children saved. And for six months she lived for their sake. She thought time would cure everything. Responding to paid polls on the Internet, so that there was even a penny (her husband was fired), she believed that she would cope. After all, everything is fine with the children. This is the most important thing! And then the forces left. “The dead melancholy and heaviness were rolled. Do not raise your hands. Do not get out of bed. Just sob. And after a couple of days with Nikita, these problems began. The truth, probably, they say that children feel everything. ”

“Children are really amazing vital tuning forces,” Olga comments. - Unfortunately, this is not an isolated case when children become witnesses of violence (more often, however, homely than sexual, but algorithm only). There is an option in which this negative experience does not have a destructive effect on the psyche of the baby. This option is an independent study by the mother of the current situation. If she really managed to accept everything, comprehend, live, she will be able to continue not to transmit her injury to others - in particular, to children. But such cases are one by a million. It is almost impossible to independently work out an injury after sexual violence. ”

While she coped for the first six months, Nikita behaved just fine. And then, when the forces ended (she perfectly remembered that day), they called from the kindergarten: “Your son is inadequate. He is aggressive, throws up on children, although he then says that he simply plays in the fight. And with toys. In general, take measures. Otherwise, we will be forced to temporarily remove him from visiting the group. ”

Take measures. What does it mean? What measures should she take? And what was it at all - about toys? She tried to ask Nikita himself. But he dismissed: I just play. And then she saw this herself. Accidentally. He muttered some cartoons, he really just played, but in this game he fidgeted from above on the Monkey beloved from childhood in the growth of the baby, was puffed, grunted and ... yes, he raped her. And she hoped that half a year of calm meant that the boy had forgotten everything. This was the last straw. She rushed to look for a psychologist on the Internet.

In this game, he fidgeted from above on his beloved monkey, was puffing, grunted ... Yes, he raped her

“When we talk with the victims, we never insist that the woman be consulted by experts,” says Olga Yurkova. - This is a fundamental moment. She just (or six months ago, or even ten years ago - but for her it is still “just”) survived violence. And violence is suppression, it is a deprivation of their own will. That is why we simply do not have the right to echo the rapist (albeit indirectly) and tell the women what they “should do”. No tips and instructions. We can designate the paths or options of actions, but decide what to do, a woman will always be herself. Our main task is to provide a safe space in which a person can speak out, cry deeply hidden tears, live deeply hidden feelings, get rid of guilt and shame, find resources and supports to live on. The calling us may be absolutely sure that she will never hear from an employee of the center of the words that she herself provoked a rapist or “attracted” this situation into her life. She will always and in any case receive sympathy and support. Our calls always remain only between consultants and victims. Anonymity and confidentiality are the main principles of the work of the Sisters center.

It is good that the heroine of this story decided to take the child to a consultation with a child psychotherapist. If according to the drawings of four-five years it is still difficult to understand what remains in his memories, and what is not, then everything is revealed in the games. And if the child, as in your story, began to imitate the scene of violence, it means that he began to collect a negative image in his head. And the heroine correctly did that she turned to a specialist. After all, no "can handle it" here will no longer help. "

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We do not know how this story ended. And we do not have a happy end for you. Did the therapist manage to help Nikita? Does he go to his friends again? Did Victor come out of binge? Did you stay with my wife? We don’t even know if they are really called. We only know that this case of rape - among white days in front of children - not the last. There will be more victims. Not this bastard, so other. Unfortunately, there is a lot of cruelty and injustice around us.

They can help women whose world can be destroyed in the center of the "sisters". After all, calling on the phone is much easier than gathering the spirit and going to the psychologist. Moreover, the call will cost nothing. Any woman who was raped or beaten can just call and help her. The center exists exclusively for private donations, which are now catastrophically lacking. The center has a huge debt on rent, because of which the “sisters” are facing an eviction, debts on utility bills and other services, as well as employees' salaries.

The “need” fund collects money to ensure that the Sisters center continues its work: this money will go to cover debts and maintaining the center’s activities over the next 12 months.

Please support the center so that people who survive the tragedy have where to seek help. This is very important.