Thorns in the heart

In the city of Volkhov there is a shelter for mothers with children, whose inhabitants do not want to return home. The best guardian than God does not happen, they say

Ira was 23 years old, she grew up in an orphanage, went to jail, served a period, and a few days ago she left the colony with a two -year -old child in her arms. She had nowhere to go. The “stretch your hand” fund offered a way out of the situation: I bought Ira a ticket to the city of Volkhov and asked the leadership of the crisis center to shelter it at home. Fourteen mothers and twenty children already live there. They sleep in six rooms, prepare in the same kitchen, read the Bible twice a day.

***

There is no wai-fay and federal television in the house. Mom will learn important news on Sundays. From parishioners. The Church of the Gospel Christian Baptists is located right under the side of the center. Mostly the hall is currently being repaired. Where Sunday ministry is temporarily held, linen is dried in the evenings, and on holidays they show cartoons on the projector. There are four refrigerators in the kitchen, the soup is cooked in a large enameled pan-baca. Next to the washbasin, the written poster is written: "Do everything without a murmur and doubt."

It is customary to tell the child “go home”, and not to the room. Each of the six bedrooms is a whole house, and mother and child are a real family. The crisis center has two missions. First: to help a woman survive a difficult period (for example, violence in the family, the lack of permanent residence, alcohol or narcotic dependence), recover mentally and physically. The second: do everything so that the child stays with his mother and does not get into the orphanage.

Next to the washbasin, the written poster is written: "Do everything without murmur and doubt"

Once a week, girls (this is what women call each other here) receive a small amount for pocket expenses. Only three have constant work. They remove the main plant of the city for 10-13 thousand rubles a month. The money and children's benefits are put into a common piggy bank and distribute to the needs of all households. There are girls who periodically earn money: they remove apartments, put up ads, distribute leaflets, and there are those who do not work at all and do not receive benefits. Ira, too, could clean the plant or put up ads. Or not. Doesn't matter. The budget is one for all.

The center has no permanent sponsors. One enterprise sends broken cookies, the other - milk. Private entrepreneurs, users on VKontakte (the center has their own group) and just parishioners convey detergents, clothes, toys, medicines, school supplies ... Cream is always in short supply.

Strictly according to the schedule

The head of the center - Alina - lives in exactly the same room as other mothers. Raises four children. From personal experience, he knows what a mother feels when he falls into a crisis situation with a child in her arms (at one time her husband left her with young children). There is no psychologist in the center - a full -time employee needs money. Girls are "secret" with Alina. At one time they even tried to enter the reception schedule, but it did not work - they knocked with problems around the clock. Ira could also share her troubles with Alina.

Lena and her son Danya show exercises from her gymnastics photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD Evening meeting in one of the living rooms of the shelter photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

Conflicts, if there are between women, then because of children. The new ones are usually warned: "How you will relate to other people's children, so other mothers will relate to your child." But it happens that the mommy will not restrain herself and knock on the pope of someone else's child.

Men from the House of Mercy (people with disabilities live there, old people, drug and alcohol-dependent), who is located a hundred meters from the center, go to clean the bakery. For this, mothers with children get fresh bread and buns on the table. Men always come to the rescue when there are not enough male hands in the house: you need to fix the toilet, move the table or clear the snow. They turn to each other: brother and sister. Ira would also be called sister.

Every morning, girls read a prayer, disassemble excerpts from the Bible in the evening and distribute responsibilities for tomorrow: “Vika - will go to work, Ira - she will take a school class, Yana will go to the store and weld lunch, Katya will take the children to the clinic.” Every day a new duty officer is assigned in the center. The duty officer ensures that all the girls are in business and observe the daily routine.

The crisis center does not come to believers. But having believed in God, they are even transformed outwardly and are proud of the photographs “ before and after ” coming to the church. Ira, as a beginner, had to go through a rehabilitation program. Twelve months do not use the phone, go to bed and wake up strictly on schedule, engage in the house and learn to communicate with the child. If you go beyond the territory of the center, then only accompanied by older mothers.

The crisis center does not come to believers. But, having believed in God, they even transform outwardly

No one mind, if a woman, having passed the program, wants to stay in the center and help others. The best outcome for mom, according to the head of the center, is marriage. This year, three weddings played in the center, in the past two. Girls associate their destinies with men from the "House of Mercy" or parishioners of the Church. Perhaps Ira would have met someone too.

From 2009 to this day, 180 women and more than 500 children have passed through the center (but not always completed a one -year program).

I'm in the house

There are six bedrooms in the center, one common zone (a classroom with a desk, a library, a board and toys), a large kitchen and a small leadership office. Near the doors in the rooms are stored boxes with children's shoes. On the walls, the mountains, the sea, the waterfall in the forest are painted by gua.

Ilya climbed onto the stairs and drops down the snow with handrails photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD Arisha does not want to leave the street, and mom has to catch and carry her in her arms photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

In one of the bedrooms there are three bunk beds from IKEA, from which multi -colored towels hang. All the inhabitants of the room have one closet. Therefore, clothes are stored in boxes under the bed or on hangers, which are fixed for the frame of the bed. The first floor of one of the beds is covered with a children's blanket, little Nikita is sleeping - he is “in the house”.

At nine in the evening. The room is illuminated by a table lamp. Moms are sitting in a circle, black shadows rise behind them. Older children are lying on their knees, climbing their mothers, listening carefully. Usually at this time, girls take turns reading a paragraph from the Bible and try to explain it in their own words, but when newcomers come to them, they share their testimonies - personal stories that brought them to the center. Ira would tell.

Mom threw one girl when she was small, her father sat down to serve his life sentence. The other - she left the house when she was seventeen, because the stepfather demanded “female caresses” from her, the third began to drink at sixteen, when her father killed her mother, and then hanged himself. “I was betrayed many times, it hurts, probably that's why I grew up fierce. There is a big thorny in the heart, ”says Katya. And everyone understands what she has in mind.

Today they were waiting for Ira. She is 23 years old, she grew up in an orphanage, and a few days ago she left the colony with a child in her arms. The Foundation “Expand your hand” invited her to go to the crisis center and bought a ticket to Volkhov. The girl agreed, but for some reason did not come. Maybe tomorrow?

After each story, girls pronounce in chorus: "Thank God!"

Yogurt ate a finger

In one of the rooms between bunk beds, a crib is crowding. A ten -month faith with a green head from chickenpox is sleeping there.

Vera’s mother-Yaroslav-a 28-year-old woman with a brown oblique and thin lips. There are no half of the teeth on the upper jaw, hands smell of household chemicals. While Yara was cleaning the house in Vera and other children looked after the “nanny” - the mommy, who was today appointed the main for the children.

Yara (Yaroslav) with her daughter Verochka photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

Yaroslav graduated from nine classes, went to study in vocational schools for a commodity department, and then became pregnant from a married man. Mom demanded that she have an abortion. It was the fourth month of pregnancy, Yara did not obey.

“In my life, there is more fear than love for my mother,” Yaroslav admits. - I hid everything from her. I was afraid to get a deuce, hid the diary. I was scared to admit that I took the candy without permission. She stood above me with a knife and said that she would cut her ears. And behind the lies I pricked my tongue with a needle. Really. On her knees, she forced to stand on coarse salt. The salt was eaten into the skin and painfully pinned it. This fear has remained for life. Already as an adult, I could not calmly walk along the street with a guy. Mamino was important to me, but at the same time I was afraid of her. If I had not refused one good person and would marry him, everything would be different. But then I studied in the ninth grade and thought: "And what will mom say, we have a difference of seven years."

She stood above me with a knife and said that she would cut her ears. And for the lies he pricked the tongue with a needle

The parents of Yara were constantly quarreling. Mom reported dad, who, being “a very kind person and henpecked”, could not object to her.

“My dad is a master of all hands,” Yara proudly says. - The gardener. If necessary, it will help around the house, prepare lunch, fading diapers. Only drinks. I used to go, and he was drunk at the store. It seems to me that this is a merit. Which man will like that they saw him all the time?! Mom threatened with divorce. I was very worried that they really would have been divorced, and my sister reassured me: "Yes, where she will go, there are four children."

When Nadia was born, Yara went to work at the plywood factory. The young mother worked in two shifts, my grandmother looked after the child. Yara in the evening put her daughter to sleep and went to dancing or barbecue with friends. She wanted to rest, but mother did not like it. And then beer dragged her over.

“Everything went somersault when my mother showed me with a notebook with my debts. Okay, it would be a rent, but she also entered a birthday present for a birthday present. It infuriated me. She constantly poked me with these debts, and I washed down. I got into loans. In my life there was even more fear. I was afraid of my mother’s constant reproaches, afraid of the calls of creditors. Before talking to her about something, I drank a beer for courage. I remember how yogurt ate a finger, because I was afraid to go to the kitchen after a spoon and collide with my mother. She constantly told me: “Do not touch the refrigerator!” ”

Before the end, children play around one of the beds photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

Yara left home and hit gambling. The entire salary “fed” the machines, sometimes even stayed with an overnight stay in the gaming room. “This is worse than alcohol,” says Yara. The voice is trembling, the lips do not obey. When I worked in the store, I lived there - I slept on the refrigerator. And then she left work. The doors of the station were closed, it was cold outside, and she spent the night in the porch.

Then Yara became pregnant with her second daughter, found out about the center in Volkhov and came here. Before the trip, she tried to make peace with her mother.

“She was against it, said that“ you have my own life, but I have my own. ” I couldn’t stand it and answered her: “You know, mother, in life it happens that drug addicts, killers and thieves forgive everything, but you cannot forgive me.”

Today, Yara has six loans. 15-20 thousand rubles each. In a crisis center, she is only ten months; As soon as the program passes - gets a job, begin to slowly cover debts. The eldest daughter of Yara is growing with her grandmother. The girl is already 12 years old, half of them she did not see her mother. Before the New Year, Yar sent her a winter hat and sweets (“The girls helped”), and wrote a letter to her mother, apologized. She replied, listing in subparagraphs all the disadvantages of her daughter. Yara swallowed offense. I wrote in response: "Yes, I'm bad, but you, please, forgive me." Mom is silent.

“They love me here,” Yara says. - Fear has gone. I haven’t seen such love from my mother. ”

I loved to fight

Until from a black hat falls on the wide shoulders of the copper of copper hair, Katya, in a black jacket and jeans, looks like a boy.

Originally from a small village, twenty minutes from Volkhov, she recalls the past life with a smile. Every now and then rolls the sleeves of a checkered shirt. Periodically falls silent and peers out the window. Green eyes are covered with ice crust.

Dima sobs on Katya’s shoulder, because he forgot his notebooks at school and cannot make a photo task photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

Katin Papa, a blacksmith by profession and “good by nature, loved to drink. It used to be that mom will go to work, and dad will call friends, put Katya on his knees and begin to pour vodka into piles. The girl had “warm, trusting relationships” with dad. She even looks like him. Tall, large.

“I loved to fight. She came to the disco and ran into a fight. They will break me - I'll go home. I was friends with the boys than with the girls. At school, when it was necessary to put on a dress for a holiday, I felt naked. ”

Parents divorced early. Katina's mother raised four girls alone. She did not have time for her daughters. She worked to feed her family. “It was the nineties,” Katya recalls. - There was nothing. We wandered around the gardens. If you found berries, then they ate. ” Periodically, dad came home drunk, apologized from his ex -wife, wanted to make peace. But the proud woman did not change the solution. She even forbade children to communicate with her father.

“Mom threatened to kill me if I went to my father. Lupal if I saw that I was dating him. We went to the forest for mushrooms, went fishing, he made me a fishing rod, onions. Dad was thumping, and I fried potatoes. Maybe I began to drink, because since childhood I subconsciously considered this the norm? When dad was slightly drunk, he told interesting things, and when he reached the condition, he liked to cling to my hand and not let go until he fell asleep. ”

Then Katya fell in love. She was an excellent student, but rolled into three, threw her studies at the secretary-referent. In parallel to the novel, she had a company of friends - prisoners, who served several times in the zone.

“Many wanted to be friends with them, they were considered cool authorities. Our roof. We drank together Gene Tonic, wine. My boyfriend did not like that I was talking to them. I now understand that he was saying the right things, trying to protect me, and then it seemed to me that he did not allow me to have fun with friends. He was taken to the army, and I became pregnant from another. When I was in the seventh month of pregnancy, dad died. Right on the blathat, where he was thumping. I was killed. While she was breastfeeding the baby, she did not drink. I waited for him to grow up to relax. I was 21 years old. I could not have appeared at home for several days, we wandered around the villages, taverns, I woke up in unknown companies. The physical fear that something can happen to me, disappeared. ”

Then Katya had a son. The woman drank alone. She woke up, stretched behind a bottle, fell asleep, drained the last to the bottom. A clock was working around the clock. Katya drank to "disconnect from life." She sent one child to school, another-to watch cartoons, and she called someone and asked to bring alcohol.

“I had hard depresses, I reached a certain condition and ceased to remember myself. The children said: "Mommy, but let's not you will no longer." I constantly lied to them that this was the last time. ”

Brothers Andrey and Dima are fighting in the lobby of the house photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

At some moment, the sister told Katya about the center in Volkhov, where she could recover from drug addiction. Katya resisted for a long time - did not believe in God, and then reached the point of no return and collected bags.

“Until you see who you really are, you won’t understand that you need God's help. He sees everything. And gives as much time as necessary. If you want to smoke, go. God patiently waits for you to come to him yourself. "

Until you see who you really are, you won’t understand that you need God's help

A year and a half ago, Katya passed the program. Now she is a mentor, “testifies” to the girls - she tells her story, explains that there is a way out.

“I am so grateful to what happened to me here that I decided to stay. When a person understands that he becomes necessary, in demand, he has an incentive to live and help others. ”

She dreamed of curing mom

Two nights are on the clock, and Masha with thin, almost children's fingers slowly and carefully presses on manicure scissors. Multi-colored medals come out of the blades: the most intelligent, the most attentive, most educated.

Masha is preparing for the birthday of one mommy and child, invents a quiz and contests. Watman is deployed on the kitchen table. Masha enters a congratulatory poem there:
“When you will not find any support,
When you get tired without love
You call Christ in prayer,
He will give protection on the way ... "

Ira, who should come, is also among the birthday. For her, Masha made a heart -shaped poster with touching colors of napkins and toilet paper. “She probably now thinks that he will fall from one zone to another,” Masha thinks. - You won’t go anywhere, you won’t do anything superfluous. And she has a birthday on her nose, I want to hap free air, drink, relax. ”
Four hours later, to get up to Masha, send her daughter to the garden, and then go to clean the main factory of the city.

Masha plays with children before the end of the photo: Elena Ignatieva for TD

Masha 27, but the guests of the center usually think that she is older than everyone: hesitates, coughing, sniffling. The voice is hoarse, thin, rare hair picked up on the back of the head in plastic crab. From the elbow to the palm - red abrasion. Маша и не заметила, как натерла руку, пока отмывала стену на работе.

Отец рано умер, мама выпивала. Она была эпилептиком, запивала психотропные препараты алкоголем. Маша была привязана к маме, никогда с ней не ругалась. Мечтала выучиться на врача и вылечить маму. Когда ей стукнуло 14, маму лишили родительских прав — из-за «очередной пьянки». Девочку поместили в центр реабилитации для детей.

«Я когда уходила со школы, то разбила окна в кабинете директора. Они меня довели. Всю школьную жизнь я не поднимала глаз, заходя в класс. Меня все дразнили из-за того, что я была дочкой алкоголички, всегда плохо одета, а учителя это не пресекали».

В 16 лет Маша стала встречаться с парнем. Она и не подозревала, что он употребяет наркотики. Когда в очередной раз проходила медкомиссию — оформляла «санитарку» в ПТУ, выяснилось, что у девушки ВИЧ. Все мечты «пошли под откос». В том же году умерла мама. И Маша осталась одна.

Все следующие этапы жизни Маши были тщетными попытками завести семью. Маша сходилась с мужчинами, а потом сама разрывала отношения. Плодом несостоявшейся любви были трое детей. Один из них — с вирусом иммунодефицита.

«Ты любила кого-нибудь из своих мужчин?» I ask.

«Это был материнский инстинкт. Я ужасно баловала своих мужчин. Хотела отдать любовь. А потом, когда проходил запал, говорила: «Ты должен». А он уже привык, что ничего не должен. Я в последнее время думаю о том, что такое любовь. Оказывается, в чем-то отказать человеку часто большее проявление любви, чем желание всегда отдавать».

Оказывается, в чем-то отказать человеку часто большее проявление любви, чем желание всегда отдавать

Однажды Маша отправилась в реабилитационный центр, но долго там не продержалась. «Я думала, что смогу сама. Устроилась телятницей в колхоз. Нормально жила, пока опять дурость свою не проявила. Встретила мужчину. Burned. Аборт не захотела делать, хотя мне в бухгалтерии деньги предлагали. В больнице познакомилась с другим мужчиной и начала с ним жить. Потом и от него ушла».

Маше не на что было жить, и она добровольно отдала детей в детдом. Ушла в запой на две недели. Пыталась покончить собой. Она испугалась, когда однажды не смогла вспомнить, как попала домой. «Я могла убить кого-нибудь в таком состоянии или украсть что нибудь и не вспомнить», — говорит Маша. Девушка собралась и уехала в центр в Волхове. Благодаря стараниям его руководителя детей удалось вернуть в семью. Ире, которая должна приехать, тоже обещали помочь с этим вопросом. Ее старший сын сейчас растет в детском доме.

Максим просыпал на пол макароны и взялся за уборку Фото: Елена Игнатьева для ТД

«Я разговаривала с небом все детство, думала, что папа там — мне его любви, наверное, не хватало. Пока была жива мама, я ходила в кружок самодеятельности, чувствовала, что этот человек меня любит. Когда мама умерла, родственники пытались мне помочь. Но я-то понимала, что не нужна им, они все делают напоказ, не искренне, чтобы я не позорила их.

В глубине души каждый человек хочет быть нужным. Детям, чужим людям, да хоть кому-нибудь. Ему это важно. Почему нет разочарования в Боге? Потому что никогда не кончатся люди, которым нужна будет помощь. Мы здесь одна большая семья. В трудных обстоятельствах люди становятся ближе друг к другу. Никто не побежит за мамочкой и не скажет: «Твой ребенок хочет в туалет», ребенка отведут, подмоют и натянут памперс, предназначенный для своего ребенка. Вот если бы женщин, рожающих на зоне, отпускали с детьми по УДО и отправляли в такие центры, можно было бы убить двух зайцев: не допустить рецидива у мамы и решить проблему сиротства».

Раз в две недели Маша постится и просит, чтобы у нее появилась семья.

Хотел стать бандитом

В Центре вместе с женой и детьми живет мужчина — 39-летний Паша. В день, когда должна была приехать Ира, его как раз избирают пастором.

В 97-ом, когда Паша уходил в армию, у него не было желания вернуться и устроиться на рутинную работу, он мечтал создать ОПГ. Паша служил в погранвойсках ФСБ, там же впервые попробовал ханку.

«Я хотел стать бандитом, — рассказывает мужчина. — Это была наша реальность, мы так жили. В армии я развивал навык владения оружием для того, чтобы применить его в личных целях, а не родину защищать».

Когда Паша вернулся из армии, почти все старые друзья отсидели свой срок. Он начал крутиться в компании воров в законе. Отвечал за оружие и взрывчатые вещества. Курировал ОПГ один из лидеров уголовного мира республики Коми — Юрий Пичугин (по кличке Пичуга).

«Мы были исполнителями, шестерками, — вспоминает Паша. — Контролировали лес, кафешки, службы такси. Там дань собери, то сделай. В кругу молодежи были авторитетами. I was respected. Я сейчас, когда созваниваюсь с ребятами, мне говорят «Павлуха, помнишь, у тебя были самые начищенные ботинки». Я любил независимо от обстоятельств выглядеть хорошо».

Тогда же Паша прочно подсел на наркотики и ночную жизнь. Однажды его чуть было не посадили. За драку с ножом. Вопрос удалось решить «по знакомству». В голову ударило ощущение безнаказанности и вседозволенности.

«Мы месяцами жили в казино с проститутками. Тогда на человека, который употреблял наркотики, не смотрели, как на опустившегося. It was fashionable. Если человек мог достать наркотики, значит, он имел влияние, был частью элиты».

Когда началась война за сферы влияния, передел рынка, Паше везло. Его чудом не оказалось на месте, когда взорвалась машина и забили битами до смерти его начальника. Сейчас Паша понимает, что таким образом его защищал Бог.
Вскоре группировка распалась. Но сознание ее членов не менялось. Пустоту заполняли наркотиками и алкоголем.

«А что родители могли сделать? Меня с года воспитывал отчим — профессиональный картежник. Я другой жизни в детстве не видел — карты и блатота. Папа уходил на три дня, потом возвращался. And for me it was the norm. Он понимал, что в каком-то смысле дурно повлиял на меня. Но что он мог сказать: «Сын, так не делай?» Он, когда приглашал моих друзей в гости, говорил им: «С меня дом, с вас — наркотики и бабы». Мы вместе могли накуриться, набухаться. Когда у меня что-то получалось в криминале, он считал это достижением. А мама — единственный человек, которая молилась за меня всю жизнь. Она сутками не спала, плакала и откачивала меня. Благодаря ее молитвам я до сих пор живу».

Вид на завод «Метахим», где работают некоторые из женщин, живущих в приюте Фото: Елена Игнатьева для ТД

Покончив с криминальным прошлым, Паша перешел на дезоморфин. Родители тогда хорошо жили, и у него была своя квартира, куда приходили друзья и варили ведро «крокодила» за двести рублей. Однажды к нему в дверь постучался друг, с которым он в свое время употреблял, и сказал, что «выход есть — это Христос». Паша поехал в реабилитационный центр в 400 километрах от Сыктывкара. Пробыл там месяц, думал, что сможет выкарабкаться сам. I could not. Вернулся домой и ушел в запой.

«Я за полгода превратился в бомжа. Все потому, что я ехал не Бога искать, а освободиться от наркотической зависимости. И я от нее освободился. Я думал, что этого достаточно для того, чтобы начать менять жизнь. И забухал. Мне стукнуло тридцать. Я ходил в рваном ботинке, откуда торчал носок, собирал по подъезду бычки».

В 2009 году друзья отправили Пашу в мужской центр «Милосердие» в Волхове. Там он покаялся, попросил прощения у Бога. Закончил восьмимесячную программу и так полюбил слово божье, что решил остаться при церкви.

«Когда ты помогаешь другим, чувствуешь, что участвуешь в божьем деле, — говорит Паша. — Чувствуешь себя нужным. Суть программы «Анонимные алкоголики» основана на религиозных ценностях. Последний, двенадцатый шаг на пути к исцелению звучит так: «Достигнув духовного пробуждения, к которому привели эти шаги, мы старались донести смысл наших идей до других алкоголиков и применять эти принципы во всех наших делах». В христианстве это называется великим поручением Христа.

Нужно всегда искать Бога. Я жив, пока вцепился во Христа. Пока признаю свою зависимость от него. Как только я допущу мысль, что у меня все в порядке, как только начну приписывать все заслуги себе — начнется мое падение, начало конца. Многие уходят из центра, думают, что они нормальные, раз прожили тут месяц и не укололись. В Священном писании на этот счет есть мысль: «Посему, кто думает, что стоит, берегись, чтобы не упасть». Если бы мы видели сердца друг друга, мы бы давно с ума сошли. Бог знает мои слабости, у меня их очень много. Чем ниже я на коленях, тем выше к Богу».

Он говорит это в тот день, когда должна была приехать Ира. Но Ира не приехала. Вроде согласилась приехать с ребенком, взяла купленный для нее билет. Но на поезд не села и перестала выходить на связь.

«Мы верим, что она нам еще позвонит, — говорит Паша. — Она теперь знает, куда ей можно обратиться. Бог не оставит, если уже начал работать с ее сердцем».

Но Ира не звонит. Наверное, как-то иначе представляет себе свое счастье.

Mother