It is not considered a little

The word "victim" suggests that a person was very bad. But there are injuries not bodily

We help the sisters help

“I don’t know what my mother said to the dispatcher when she called an ambulance,” Catherine pulls the sleeves of the sweater on her fingers, lets go, smiles in exhausted. - Maybe that my heart grabbed. The doctor asked what happened to me, why I was in this state. I replied that a well -known person almost raped me.

-Did he once react?

- asked: "Are you even sure of that?"

***

“I know this is an ambiguous situation. I want to talk about what happened, but I want to preserve my anonymity, ”says Katya, when we agree on a meeting. “You see, we really have a very small city.”

A walk in the center of the hometown of Catherine is fired in forty minutes with a leisurely step.

While the photographer and I are waiting in a small coffee shop, we understand that with anonymity here is really difficult. The waitress chatting cheerfully with people - in twenty minutes her classmate and several regular visitors, whom she calls by names, go to the cafe. Therefore, when Katya comes, we go to the worldwide network of American snacks, averaged and indifferent, in New York, in the small city of Central Russia.

Catherine looks younger than her years, she smiles, takes out a small notebook, folds her hands on it, opens, closes, collects her hair in the tail and immediately spreads it, smiles again.

By the end of the conversation, it begins to slightly rush in the eyes from constant movements. I recall a recently read book about mental disorders, similar to the chapter about post -traumatic stress disorder. “Negative changes in thinking and mood”, also characteristic of PTSR, is enough.

There was not even thought

Five years ago, while studying at the institute, Catherine came to the literary studio. They know her well in the city, this is a kind of local attraction. They also know its leader N., poet, writer, amateur director and creative person in general - in the local press they usually publish with such an interview under the heading “Best People of our City”. “There are interesting people, and N. himself is also extraordinary, he does a useful and important thing,” says Katya. At the beginning of 2017, she wanted to familiarize themselves with a talk and at the same time congratulate the New Year.

"N. He told me that he will not be at the university on holidays, and then the routine will fall, he invited him to go home, ”the girl says and again takes off and puts the elastic band on the tail. “To be honest, after our long -term communication I did not have thought that all this could be understood incorrectly.”

When you listen to the retelling of the event outline, it seems that you got into a viscous, thick sleep. There is little action in the scene, everything stretches, the heroes do optional acts, time is suspended. Catherine picks up words, trying not to make excuses, but all the time is justified:

“He poured alcohol into glasses, I said that I did not want to drink, but he threatened me with a fist. I probably could not drink, it was still a joke. Maybe. Then he began to lay me on the sofa. ”

We enjoy breasts

Everything, time stopped at all. The second hand seems to get into the jelly and cannot step over to the next division. Katya is silent for a long time, then he caught on and hastily says:

- For me, oddly enough, it was not harassment for me. It turned out to be wildly terrible that a person holds me physically. My words “let”, “please do not”, “I do not want” - nothing meant to him.

It turned out to be wildly terrible that a person holds me physically

“Didn't he hear you?”

- I heard, of course, apparently, perceiving it as a kind of love game, "Oh, dear, no!" Well, I could scream, in the next room was his sick relative, neighbors ... But I did not scream.

- Why didn't you scream? It was inconvenient or it seemed that the moment had not yet come when it was necessary to scream?

- I was in such a situation for the first time, I don’t know at all when the moment comes to scream. He did not tie me, did not lock the doors. He simply laid and laid me back on the sofa. When we were lying, he twice said the word “rape”, as a joke, of course, he is generally a rather ironic person. Say, rape, yes, then cops will come, but for now we enjoy your chest.

Ekaterina photo: Anna Ivantsova for TD

Then Katya still could get up from the couch, but the man grabbed her shirt by the belt and pulled her back. “It didn’t hurt, but rude, then I felt really scared. I felt like some animal that was pulled by the rope on the neck or a leash, the shirt unfastened, I turned out to be undressed, but I was able to run away, ”she says.

I felt like some kind of animal that is pulled by the rope on the neck or a leash

Katya put her clothes in order and began to call a taxi. N. followed her and said: “Katya, Katya, Katochka, do not call a taxi, stay with me, I won’t touch you!”

“I spoke with the dispatcher on the phone, and he continued to follow me and mutter, and then said:“ Sorry! Well, do you want me to give you a role? " No, you can imagine - he will give me a role!
Katya laughs sharply, the laughter breaks off.

- After, already at night, he wrote to me: “I really don’t understand what I have to do with it. I apologized! "

Farmage

Smoking at the street tables of a cafe where we are talking is forbidden, but still smoke.

A row stand with microcredits, cell phones and a kiosk with newspapers, magazines and all sorts of small things. On the first lane of one of the federal publications, the heading “Why is the rape of 16-year-old Diana Shurygina shared the country”, the second-“Golden Shkurygina. The prisoners took under the care of a student convicted of rape Diana. ” Catherine says that she doubts whether she belongs to the victims of rape.

“The word“ victim ”suggests that a person was very badly damaged, and my injuries are not bodily. But the fact that I am worried is probably close to what the raped. And I think: “Well, you can't like that!” ”

At the next table, they look around and fall silent. Then Catherine says quieter:
“Probably, it is not so important whether there was forced sexual intercourse to recognize himself as a victim of violence. I represent the attack of a predator on a living creature, which was disusable, and then for some reason they did not eat. ”

Katya thought about contacting the police, although she immediately understood that there would be little sense in this. She tells how her familiar on the same main street at nine in the evening grabbed in an armful and dragged a stranger somewhere. The acquaintance screamed, he threw her to the side and ran away, all this hit the outdoor surveillance cameras. The police laughed and did not accept the girl. A year later, she was called a witness - they caught a man, he turned out to be a serial rapist. Police officers were interested in whether sexual actions were committed.

“She says:“ There is no sexual nature, ”and the police are like that:“ Well, it’s a pity. ”

The day after the incident, Catherine went to work. But it was not possible to work normally, thoughts returned to what happened all the time. In the evening, she could not fall asleep, on the second day, too, on the third she sat at work and cried in her voice.

“I thought about it all the time, all the time it was all in my head. Not one thought, a lot of different concomitant thoughts. It interfered with me, I could not concentrate even on the simplest and most ordinary tasks. The feeling of fear passed, the feeling came that something irreparable happened, that I lost control of myself and my life. I had to explain my condition to other people, but what happened does not seem to pull for a serious reason. ”

Catherine lives with her parents, after a while she told them about what had happened. Parents unconditionally supported her daughter, although at first she doubted and was even afraid to tell them. When Katya's mother called an ambulance, the girl almost did not sleep the sixth day.

I represent the attack of a predator on a living creature that was blurred, and then for some reason did not eat

The ambulance doctor measured the pressure to Catherine and asked to raise the T -shirt. She asked why, the doctor ironically remarked: "I want to evaluate how great your chest is." The girl signed the refusal of the inspection.

Through the phrase, Katya says that he was probably not entirely adequate due to lack of sleep, she could answer impolite or sharply. She again makes excuses and seeks excuses to other people, although her mother confirms that the dialogue sounded that way, she did not seem to her. The second ambulance arrived, already psychiatric. The doctor closed in the kitchen with Katya's mother, and nurses with whom she tried to talk in a room with a girl. They did not want to enter into a dialogue. When the doctor returned, she talked a little with Catherine and injected her sedative.

“She says to me:“ Katya, you're smart, good girl ” - and to the side:“ Fenazepam to her! ””

"Don't exert!"

When you call an ambulance, but you are not taken to the hospital, the next day you need to see a doctor. Katya and her mother went to a neuropsychiatric dispensary. In Katin, this is a relatively modern institution, there are both psychotherapists and psychiatrists, at a local university - the corresponding department. There is even a specialized suicidologist. But the psychiatrist, to whom Katya came, did not know what to do with her. The nurse, sitting in the office, prompted: "Yes, send them to Tanya, this is her profile." The psychiatrist was delighted, phoned a colleague and sent the girl to an “anonymous reception”. Within the framework of a state institution, you can talk with a profile doctor, but the card is not started on the patient, the conversation is not fixed. It is believed that this helps to avoid stigmatization, horror that modern society is experiencing before mental illness.

- Did the doctor help?

- Purely practically - yes, she explained to me that the sick leave should not be started.

Obtaining rights, a certificate of weapons, contacts with work - if a person has a card in the PND, there will be problems with this. Even if you came to an appointment with a depressive episode or anxious disorder. In fact, it should not be so, it is assumed that the system works thinner, understands, observes confidentiality and medical secret. But - "We have a very small city."

-And, in fact, something was said on psychological trauma?

- I was advised to focus on work, not to exaggerate. This word is this, ”Katya grins wryly. - To exaggerate, unpleasant, right? Do you say you want to exagge it? I said that, of course, not.

Ekaterina photo: Anna Ivantsova for TD

The psychotherapist also said: “Everyone does not give a damn about your problem, except for loved ones, no one will help you. Girlfriends will be discussing all this with their backs. ” She refused to work with a girl while she had a nervous system so upset, and advised quite expensive medicines to strengthen blood vessels and cardiac activities. Katya was pricked by her mother, the girl slowly returned to work, already from the house. Three days later, she returned to the office.

Everyone does not give a damn about your problem, except for loved ones, no one will help you

Katya’s mother recently seen with N. there was a presentation of the next book, he read poetry, set numbers, “a creative evening was held in a warm and friendly atmosphere”. After she came up, introduced herself and said: “The girl had a nervous breakdown. All the verses that you read, about God, about mom, about good and beautiful things - these are lies! ” N. said that he did not see the point of talking, Katya's mother wished a great holiday and left. Katya herself found out about this when N. wrote her a message on the social network: “Thank you for meeting my mother. I tried to help you see this world, and the girl, it turns out, had a nervous breakdown. The girl is very adult! Nash, Katerina Ivanovna! " Katya wrote that they will talk about honesty in court. Both he and she knew that there could be no court.

Catherine is finishing work at seven, at seven twenty in the evening she is already at home. The hotline of the Sisters Center for those who survived sexual violence works until eight in the evening, Catherine read about this on the Internet. She went home and dialed the Moscow phone number.

Everything and business

It would be beautiful to complete the plot with a good ending. Catherine was helped by qualified psychologists and lawyers, she survived the injury and became stronger and better. Everyone loves happy ends, because in life there is almost no.

Katya is still experiencing her experience. To cross it, block it with positive emotions or simply will not go out. This experience always remains with 87% of women and 13% of children and men who have called the Tseps of the Sisters Center. It always remains with those who do not know this number or find the strength to pick up the phone and gain it. The question is the degree of compensation for injury.

Katya described her situation in a public that helps the victims of violence, and received the heaps of comments “It is to blame.” The administrators of the group erased them, left the “supportive”: “Do not communicate with him, everything and business,” “Tell me that you have a man in life”, “You just need to forget it.” Katya called the local trust phone and says that at the other end of the wire the interlocutor simply asked about the details and Ahala in a life, comforting that "he still did not raped, and that’s good."

“In principle, the“ sisters ”were the first place where they heard me,” says Katya and fasten his jacket under his chin, tightly. -It's not that I have complaints about someone. I just think that this is a story about our society, about us and about who can help a person if he is left alone with his fear and pain. ”

***

The helpline, according to which psychological assistance is provided, works absolutely free, regardless of gender, age, residence and citizenship of the caller. The money collected by the Foundation will go to maintain the activities of the “sisters” during the year. Your help is very needed!