With one raising of the hand

Unofficial statistics say: every fourth woman in Russia was subjected to domestic violence. The official figures of the Ministry of Internal Affairs are much more modest - they take into account only those cases in which criminal cases were instituted: in 2015, 50 thousand victims of domestic violence were recorded - 36 thousand women, 11 thousand children and 3 thousand men. At the same time, the police themselves admit: it comes to the initiation of a criminal case in about 2% of cases. Often the victims either do not report what happened or take the already submitted application.

According to the law on decriminalization of family beatings, which entered into force in early February, criminal prosecution for violence in the family is now provided only for repeated violations during the year. Many took it as a signal to society: you can beat once a year. The head of Yekaterinburg, Yevgeny Roizman, wrote on Facebook that almost immediately after the adoption of the law, the number of police calls and ambulance for household conflicts and family violence increased from 120-130 times a day to 300–350.

“I just knew that my mother would come home from work and would beat me with everything that will fall by the arm, and I have nowhere to run. It was a discharge, stress relief "

The discussion around the law on decriminalization of home beatings revealed the main problem - Russian society extremely tolerant of violence in any of its manifestations. Moreover, the victims themselves, as a rule, are inclined to accept and explain any behavior of the aggressor. It turns out that violence became the cross that united society much better than all slogans and patriotic ideas. Over the past 10 years, the draft law “On the prevention of family-household violence” has been submitted to the State Duma 40 times, but did not become the current law: many of our citizens, regardless of the level of education and financial situation, consider this a far-fetched problem. Meanwhile, upon closer examination, it turns out that it is real even for the so-called exemplary families, the only difference is that in such families they prefer to in no way take out the CROs from the hut. But this does not always succeed. The victims of domestic violence themselves told about what could happen inside the walls of an outwardly impeccable family fortress.

Svetlana: Violence from childhood

For 25 years of her 30, Svetlana believed that she lived as an ordinary life, sincerely looking for problems, sincerely perplexed what could cause constant neurosis. The historian by education, she quite easily processes and analyzes information, but she cannot collect the history of her own life into a single whole of many fragments of memories. I agreed to interviews for practical reasons - he hopes to get the therapeutic effect.

“When I was 10 years old, my grandmother asked if they beat me at home, and I replied:“ Yes, of course. ” It was as natural as washing in the morning, I did not even have a thought, which could be somehow otherwise. ” A young pretty woman with a piercing look, Svetlana does not try to like it, says in a quiet, calm voice. She is from a wealthy intelligent family, which for many was a role model. However, lawlessness was happening behind closed doors: parents did not just beat their daughter - they turned it into a kind of ritual. “I just knew that my mother would come home from work and would beat me with everything that will fall by the arm, and I have nowhere to run. It was a discharge for her, stress relief. I understood that her aggression was not personally aimed at me, it was the reaction to the circumstances, it was easiest to break into me, because I was defenseless, ”Sveta believes that she played the role of a certain buffer for all the negativity and her pain was unceasy: thanks to this, the family was preserved. While still a small child, she decided that she needed to endure everything and be an inconspicuous shadow - for her own safety. Sveta even learned to walk silently and breathe, which struck many of her acquaintances.

At 10 years old, a friend was beaten by a friend who was three years older. Svetlana recalls that she did not even defend her and did not run away, but stood and thought - that she did wrong.

At the age of 12, parents stopped beating her daughter: she clearly remembers that moment, then a feeling of happiness and tremendous relief, although the tension from the expectation of a blow remains until now. After some time, aggressive and frank touches replaced the beatings. Sveta tried to say “no”, but in response I heard: “How can you not let us touch you?!” Sveta recalls that she was constantly in a state of protection of her body: “The worst thing is when one of the parents touches the child and the other supports. I remember very well that when my father touched me, I turned to my mother and looked at her with a prayer for help, but I saw absolute indifference from her side. ” And there was only one way out - just tolerate these terrible torment.

When Svetlana was 15, she survived sexual seduction from the family's close friend. Everything happened in the presence of parents. “At that moment, I did not really understand what happened and what it was called, but I realized that they had abused me. In this situation, forgiving parents is much more difficult for me than that pedophile, ”says Svetlana. “I hope he has already died,” she adds, smiling nervously.

Svetlana still does not know if she forgave her parents in her soul: “Sometimes it seems to me that they did this for a good reason - they themselves, apparently, had a difficult childhood and various psychological injuries, and they thoughtlessly treated me the same way as they treated them. At some point, my hatred was transformed into the myth of ideal parents-this bright image was very important to me, it was a kind of protective reaction to the collapse of the world around me. ”

Svetlana refers to that small percentage of victims of domestic violence, who were able to talk about their problem aloud and tried to return to normal life. And yet, working with psychologists for many years, Svetlana could not share what happened to her at the age of 15 for a long time: “I couldn’t tell anyone about this for 13 years, I was so ashamed, I even forced myself to forget this story, drove myself into a certain amnesia.”

Comment . Nadezhda Zamotaeva, Executive Director of the Regional Public Organization, “Independent Control Center for Assisting Sexual Violence of Sisters”, comments on Svetlana’s history: “The statistics over the 20 years of our center shows that the image of the rapist - marginal, maniac, which pops up from the gateway, is realized in real life only in 10% of cases. In the remaining 90%, sexual violence occurs in the family and the near circle. However, people are afraid of this shocking knowledge, and the mechanism of psychological defense is turned on - when it would be better not to know what you cannot accept. ”

Elena: The story of betrayal

“I was such a train that was carrying a wagon and a small cart, and then the steam ended and everything broke,” Elena begins her story, a well-groomed, confident mature woman, more like a business book of a successful company, than a victim of violence. In her 54 years, she is a visual confirmation of the thesis that after fifty life is just beginning. An interesting, witty interlocutor articulates absolutely sound thoughts, but, as soon as it starts a conversation about the situation in the family, the picture of the world begins to crumble.

Elena has been familiar with her husband Fedor from the 8th grade, in the 4th year she married him, and two years later they had a son. “I always tried to smooth out all the sharp corners, and my husband was not a conflict person,” Elena recalls, “it always seemed to me that we had developed like a puzzle.”

In the late 1990s, Elena opened her own consulting company. Gradually overgrown with a solid clientele - served 33 large companies. The husband all the time worked as a member of the software management machines, but no friction about the fact that the wife is more status and earns more, there was no one between them. Moreover, with time, by common efforts, it was possible to attach her husband to the scientific and production company to a good position with an adequate salary, and Elena decided to reduce the volume of her work, since she simply could not pull everything on herself. And then the situation changed sharply.

Fedor began to behave as “as if he entered the first three from the“ Forbes ”list, and most importantly - all the past life he seemed to erase with a lastic, in complete confidence that it was always so. According to Elena, the husband became aggressive and inadequate two years ago, but friends and acquaintances believe that all this was manifested before, she just “dissolved” in her Fedor and did not notice the obvious.

She tried once again to smooth everything, thinking that the problem could be in her: “I asked that he was not satisfied with me, and received in response that she did not suit everything.”

“Having woke up, I saw my husband went and pulled the curtains on the windows, and I realized: if I didn’t get up from the floor, he would just click me with his feet”

In October, a granddaughter was born in the family, and the husband decided to "wash his legs" with a neighbor. Elena set the table, hoping that a joyful event will help to glue the family. However, everything happened exactly the opposite. “When the neighbor left, the conversation smoothly moved to the clarification of the relationship,” Elena Sergeevna recalls. - He pounced on me with lightning speed, strokes rained down, and with such anger and strength, as if he wanted to kill. I fell, rose, then lost consciousness. Waking up, I saw my husband went and pulled the curtains on the windows, and realized: if I didn’t get up from the floor, he would just click me with his feet. She ran to another room, but he managed to clamp me with the door and began to strangle me. For some time, the grip weakened, I managed to get out, and I managed to call his parents. His father came running, said that there was no need to call anywhere, he took his son, and they left. And I did not have a thought to call somewhere, I thought: I would sleep, come and talk. ”

Fedor did not come - not a day or a week later. Elena was diagnosed with kidney bruises, bleeding and a closed traumatic brain injury.

She never reached the police - it was ashamed and scary. And my mother dissuaded: "You lived well, time will pass, and everything will be forgotten." Elena herself thought, even SMS wrote to her husband: "Fedya, dear, come back, you were jinxed." He admits that if her husband came and apologized, she would have forgiven. In the end, in early February, the neighbors took to the police Elena. Court meetings began, many witnesses came from the victim, and one of Fedor was announced alone, moreover, it was not clear who. On February 8, Elena received SMS from her son: “If dad give an article, then it will be bad for everyone. My questionnaire will be spoiled, as well as my child, and I can’t allow this, come to mind until it’s too late. ” And on February 9, his own son turned out to be the most secret witness from his father and testified against his mother.

Comment. Alena Popova, the co -founder of the “Stop Violence!” Movement, sees a rather ordinary case in the history of Elena: “From childhood we are suggested that we cannot take out the huts from the hut and men need to be protected. To tell yourself “I do not want to follow this” is a big problem. When violence happens, the woman first addresses two addresses - to a friend or mother. The option with friends, by the way, often triggers - this is a super -sitting institution. But mother, as a rule, has the opposite reaction: this is the father of your children, a normal man, well, it happens ... With this approach, a woman who tells about her problem, thereby disgracing the family. That is why official statistics are very different from reality - many simply do not find the strength to submit an application, go through the court. ”

Photo: Anatoly Zhdanov/Kommersant, David Frenkel/Kommersant