"I solve problems in women's chats"

Single fathers-about how to educate children without mothers

Single parenthood is usually associated with a situation where a woman raises children. This seems almost familiar: according to the latest data , in Russia there are more than five million single mothers. Much less is said about incomplete families where the father takes care of the child - and such cases, as a rule, cause surprise, admiration or sympathy. The author of the book “Children about the important. About Dima and others. How to speak on complex topics ”Natalya Remish talked for“ Medusa ”with fathers who raised their children alone: ​​about whether a man can replace a mother - and whether it is necessary to raise a question like this.

Sherali Karimov

Children Zhasmin (19 years old), Lola (14 years old) and peace (2 years)

We left Australia when Lola was five years old, and Jasmine was nine. I saw, so to speak, classic families in Australia, Holland and Tajikistan. And they all differ. In Australia, mothers are more controlled by the family and invest in it. And in Holland, where we now live, the dads are very actively involved in raising children. Holland even regularly occupies one of the first three places in the world in terms of the level of happiness of children - and in particular, this is attributed to the active involvement of dads.

At first, when my wife died and I was left alone, I was very scared that my every word is and every gesture forms these little people. And he was very worried that maybe the child in the soul has a large hole that you will never fill. That you, like dad, cannot give them what a woman, mother would give them: warmth, affection, attention, love. These stereotypes halved in us since childhood, and they took root. But you need to raise children and work. There is very little time for fears. And then it turns out that the feeling of emotional safety, fun, care, interesting and warm interaction, I can give no worse, or even better than some mothers. I am here, I am physically, mentally and emotionally, I don't care, I love them. I am attention to their individuality, opinion, state.

At first, some mothers from school tried to bring food to us in plastic boxes. It enraged me. As if I can’t cope with my children to prepare dinner. I believed that I would cope with raising children no worse than all these mothers. For example, when I realized that the girls are worried about the upcoming menstruation, I read a lot of sites and articles, and then I spent a lot of conversations. I can now tell everything on this topic! It makes no difference for me if their tooth hurts or they have menstruation - we can discuss it.

We also have our own system of values: a miracle. She always helped when the children asked me about the council. You are a real princess, not because you live in the castle, but because you are a miracle - honest, smart, kind and brave. You cannot be honest and cowardly, smart, but not kind.

When you are the only parent, time becomes your most invaluable, unique product. You need to find time both on everyday life and on the moments of intimacy with children - they need attention, they need participation. Until I was left alone, I was not aware of how complicated and laborious the role of the parent was. Before that, I worked, earned money, was engaged in administrative affairs, and my wife - a house and children. But when the children are small, everything goes in routine. You wake up at six, prepare breakfast, put lunch in the boxes, collect it in school, take it, then work for eight hours, then you cook dinner at home, try to ask how the day they went, help with home work, by ten o'clock there are no strength to think about anything.

In addition, parenthood is a huge emotional work. A lot of effort goes to give children all the warmth and attention that they need. You may have a bad mood, bad news or just difficult life problems, but for children you always need to remain positive, give support. There is an economic study that the costs of emotional and physical forces for eight hours of work in the office are comparable with the cost of eight hours spent with children at home. Or maybe even work at home requires costs of greater energy.

At the same time, people do not recognize the significance of routine in the life of children. That dinner at six in the evening, pancakes on Sundays, porridge for breakfast - this is important for children. For them, this can be the main manifestation of love and attention. They feel that they are important to you, and you take care of them. This gives them a feeling of safety and peace.

When the children grow up, they become your assistants. And since you are alone, you begin to share with them, talk about your plans for life, about relationships with other people. Sometimes it is difficult to understand where the boundaries of what you can discuss with them and what not. In principle, to form your personal, separate life from them, occupies a lot of time. There were no these borders, and there is no yourself for a long time. There is only work and children. Then you begin to make efforts to find a little time for yourself: go to the gym, run or meet with friends. When the children grow up, you begin to drink beer once a month with friends. And then more.

There is such a cartoon about how a calf is brought up. It ends that the calf grows in a decent bull, resorts to the bear and says: "Dad." And the bear replies: "That's the same, otherwise all" mom and mom "."

Updated. After the publication of the material, the Medusa editorial office found out that one of the heroes of the text, Sherali Karimov, is in close relations with the author Natalia Remish. The Medusa editors were not notified of this editor responsible for the material. We consider it necessary to warn you about a possible conflict of interests. We apologize to the readers.

Dmitry Timashkov

Children of Semyon (12 years old) and Lilia (10 years old)

My situation is not easy: an ordinary child and a child with disabilities. This is a constant hard work with a mass of worries. You do not think about building relationships, you solve pressing problems. And much may not work. I had another before this family, where my eldest son is already 30 years old. And I was always a dad in a square: no football, beer and fishing. The creation of a family seemed important to me all the time, somewhere it even harmed marital relations. It always turns out in the family: someone one takes on to himself, and the second thinks: "Well, you took it and carry it then." It happened to me in both marriages. In the second marriage, when Lilka was born ( the girl has disability - approx. Medusa ), I understood that it would be difficult for my wife, and I was more active and with great experience. And then I took on a lot. She began to get involved less and less, then alcohol, divorce and so on.

Lily pulls almost everything, so that the son remains a little aside. He is 12 years old, the teenage period, the character begins to appear. At some point, I felt that it would not be decided on my own. He began to think about how to build a relationship with him: a person who was small, suddenly in his eyes becomes big, with his interests and views incomprehensible to you. I realized that a strong discord is planned: he stops taking me, considers it for a stranger. He began to specially allocate time to walk with him somewhere, to discuss something. For example, we sat down [in the winter] together and went to the country. I knew that there we would not find any skis or boots. Well, let it go together. Literally this one day has changed the relationship very much.

The most important thing is to see the problem and not dismiss it. If you are faced with something every day, this is not nonsense. I often listen to the advice of other people. For example, my mother constantly tells me that I need to hug my son more often. I, as a harsh person, rarely hug, but when you tell you every day that you need to hug and press it more often, I begin to remember this. And it changes me. If earlier the child came up to me and tried to snuggle up, but I had a lot of things, I said “later”, now I know that it is impossible to postpone it. Better I am late with other things.

With my daughter, of course, everything is different. We have a relationship at some sacred level. She herself does not talk, and I need to feel her. She sleeps in the next room, and I roughly imagine what her condition is. In modern people, unlike animals, communication is as simplified as possible: we have words, visual images, we understand that if a person has such an expression on the face, then he is satisfied, or vice versa. When a person cannot talk or use the muscles of the face to convey his condition, you begin to see the thinnest things. Everything inside you exacerbates: vision, hearing, tactile perception - they become not at all like other people.

Love arises when there is any relationship-it is not taken from the ceiling. Mother bears the child, then gives birth, and this already creates a connection between them. The relationship of the father and the child needs to be created. Of course, if the mother pulls the blanket at herself in some ways, the father has fewer such opportunities. When you find yourself with a child alone, you only have two ways: either you build this relationship, or you destroy them. This can be compared with foster parenthood: a foster parent is a person who should create everything from scratch.

When you find yourself only a dad, there is a danger that you will throw your whole life at this. It is necessary to maintain space for yourself, sometimes leaving children on someone. For example, we went to the marathon in Seville and I took only my daughter with me. Marathons often begin to get involved in people after 30 or 40 years, when life crises occur. Remember Forrest Gampa? You don’t know what to do, do something. And he ran. I also did not know what to do. The family is falling apart, there is no money, my daughter has disability - I would like to leave somewhere. But first you should walk, run in circles.

Then I learned a lot of stories about the fathers who run with the child. Quite by accident, I got under the arms of a running stroller. I tried it and I liked it - it returns to a normal life. Then I participated in the Minsk half marathon, and saw myself an athlete, although I had never been involved in sports in my life and ran in the ninth grade for the last time. I ran my first marathon at 50. It turned out that in this area there are many interesting people, it is comfortable and good with them.

In the families of dad, it is usually not aware of organizational issues: what medicine to give, how to collect a backpack. Sometimes you need advice, and, I admit, I decide it in women's chats. Male chats exist, and I was recently included in one group of dads, but all the conversations there still rolls to go somewhere. And questions - for example, about the treatment of a child - are not discussed there. The experience of child care in men is less. When I encountered my daughter’s disabilities, I found several forums, and only mothers talked there. At the largest forum, which totaled several thousand mothers, there were only three dads. We were there in high esteem.

In general, calls to give reins of government to a woman or a man are wrong. Everyone’s approach and look are different, and one can be useful to one, and the other to the other. And best when there is a consensus. Then every day it turns out good, and the future is visible.

Sergey Lukyanov

Children Kristina (17 years old) and Sasha (14 years old)

I took my daughters six years ago. One went to the fourth grade, the second went to the first. The wife remained in another city, she has her own life. There is almost no contact with her. When I took them, they already lived without her. I never considered a special heroism that they were raised alone. And he was always embarrassed, hearing compliments and praise in his address. I live on the principle: "Do what and what will happen."

Often I hear the question from familiar women: “How do you cope with them? We cannot cope with one with my son or daughter. And you are alone with two girls. " I will not hide that it was sometimes difficult and difficult, and now not without it. But it so happened that they are with me, so it is necessary. In any case, the father cannot give them what the mother can give. Of course, I see how there is not enough maternal warmth and attention. But I learned to braid the pigtails. At school and friends were constantly surprised at this.

The most difficult period is a transitional age. Sometimes they were silent for two days. I saw that they want to speak out, chatting about their own, about Maiden, as it could be done with my mother. But I am a man, and this wall between us was sometimes a meter thickness. Girls keep a lot in themselves, but we also stepped over this line, shared. I pull something out of them myself when I see their anxiety. Often my mother comes to the rescue - their grandmother, bringing the nuances to me. He lowers me to the ground, scolds me if I overcift the stick. He says: "These are girls, and you are not in the barracks."

The youngest, Sashka, is as lively as a kid. And the eldest, Christina, more mundane and wise. They often conflict among themselves. One lifts up, the second is not inferior. I endure, then it takes me all off, and I breed them in different corners. Sometimes I just do not interfere with anything, let them understand themselves. It's nice to look at them when you turn off the computer from the computer, they immediately become closer to each other, they find some common topics. I always say to them: no matter how you swear, you have no one closer to each other.

Once I asked Christina for the sake of interest: “Your peers and peers are familiar, whom you know 14 years old, from the age of 12 they begin to set the status of“ I want a serious relationship, looking for you ”. Why don't you do that? " She replied that everything would come by itself, and now it is important for her to study, and not solve constant problems in relationships. I think she is wise for years. To say that I was proud at that moment is to say nothing.

When you see that the girls are deprived of maternal warmth and attention, when instead of mom you go to school for holidays, to meetings, then sadness is visible in their eyes. It was as if something was not given to them, cut off. Until I took them, they got a lot of negativity. On the other hand, if such a situation did not occur, I don’t know where I would be and what would be with me. Of course, I will unscrew my head for my children. We have scandals, this is understandable. They have their own views, but I also have my own views. Sometimes I had to go ahead: I begin to bend, and they begin to bend. But you know, through thorns to the stars.

I understand perfectly well that in many ways I am wrong. And they are also wrong. I raise them, and they are me. Responsibility, experiences - all this was. But I have never regretted my choice. And I had a choice: I could build my personal life or take away children, but lose a relationship. Now I look at their ups and downs, smiles and tears, as they grow, upset, delight. They are nearby, we are together, and the rest is all the little things of life, everything is solved and rubbed. And from the female side, not so long ago, they also had support instead of their mother. So everything is fine with us.

Natalia Remish