Vovan, panties and bubbles

Why is everything that are all odd, who to call a colander, why is Nadezhda Pavlovna your SNILS and how many times checkered slippers should fly on vacation

So I stand in the kitchen with an egg in my hand, September, 6.20 in the morning, everything is hopeless. Nearby stands a teenager Danechka, peppy and washed in front of the school.

- Can I have an omelet of two eggs? - asks Danechka.

- It is forbidden.

- Why? - asks Danechka.

“Counting food should be odd,” I say, swaying.

- What? - says Danechka. - Mom, wake up.

“The great -grandmother Barbara taught - if you want it to be tasty, always take the odd,” I explain. - One egg is possible, three eggs are possible, five eggs are possible, two cannot be.

“Fu, mom, Fu,” says Danechka, “superstition and obscurantism, Fu.”

“Life hack,” I say. - household life hack.

“Oh,” says Danechka, “Lifehack is cool!” And about inorganic chemistry, the great -grandmother advised you anything like that? Or how to write an essay?

Ale, Vovan!

Vovan, they say, maybe a lot. Organize a vacation, buying cheap tickets, picking up a car from a penalty park, rent a apartment, find worthy plumbing, nanny, tutor, deal with the tax, electronic diary, public services, get a visa, increase, salary, certificate in the clinic, buy a refrigerator, cottage, waterproof jumpsuit for a baby, lift the mold in the bathroom, a stain on a shirt, a heel on a shirt lice and fleas, undergo inspection, physical examination, competition “We are looking for talents”, queue at the border, work on work, grow tea mushroom, money tree, self -esteem, pass exams, accounting reports and text on time.

Vova must call - on a colander, socks, a lighter, a steering wheel, a frying pan, a hamster, a passport - which will turn up on the arm, it does not matter. It is important to personalize Vova - according to the reviews of the initiates, Vovan is usually "a chef, a man, well, as in the nineties, so dense and decisive." But this is not necessarily, your Vovan - he is only yours, which you will imagine, this will help. With Vova, one must be polite, but cheerful, and offer in exchange for his help the first thing that comes to mind, and be sure to thank. Then Vovan will do everything, he will answer for everything.

Vova must call - on a colander, socks, a lighter, a frying pan, a hamster, a passport - which will turn up on the arm

I called Vova from Israel to the pillow and asked our owners would not raise the rent to us. My Vovan looked like Woody Allen, only in training and with a shaved folded nape. And, in general, it was immediately clear that he would not help. Even in exchange for a promise, not to check every day, whether the teenager Danishchka reads the list of literature for the summer (it would be easier, as the Vovan adherents advise, dance naked on the beach). I lasted a week - the last in front of the school - but what about Gogol, suddenly Gogol is not read.

We were not raised by the rent. I don’t know how much Vovan helped, but I told him just in case - I called the dusty “dead souls”, I hope I got through.

Losses

- Where is your SNILS?

- In the nightstand.

- In the nightstand he is not.

- Then in another nightstand.

- We have only one bedside table!

There is no SNILS anywhere, especially when it is very necessary.

- Have you lost it?

- No.

- Have you looked everywhere?

- I looked everywhere.

Illustration: Polina Plavinskaya for TD

The nightstand is gutted, papers fly throughout the room, there are letters written twenty years ago, I miss, I love, take me to you, poems on checkered leaflets, two certificates - you are a three -year -old! -The red-haired oil oilcloth with blurry ink-weight 2,500, was born at 9.20,-some kind of agreements on books, checks, fuzzy, like in smoke, photographs. But there is no SNILS.

But there is Nadezhda Pavlovna Kokhanova, who, they say, can find anything. In order for Nadezhda Pavlovna to help, you need to say three times that you give her what you are looking for, and look a little more.

“Nadezhda Pavlovna Kokhanova,” I say shyly, “I give you my SNILS.”

Husband look at me with interest.

“What if she doesn't know what SNILS is?” He asks.

“Do not get distracted,” I say, “let's look further.”

All the books shook out, all pockets, bags and backpacks turned out, and broke the nightstand. SNILS was not found. They found it 500 rubles that had fallen for the regiment.

“This,” the husband says, “probably Nadezhda Pavlovna conveyed to you.” In consolation.

Charging for the wallet

After communicating with Vovan and Nadezhda Pavlovna, I decided to find out if there is someone special, responsible for money. Just in case. I remembered that my grandmother wore a coin in my pocket or jacket, said - a penny grows to a penny, and if the coin was lost, very upset, sighed and prophesied unforeseen expenses. And almost never mistaken.

I decided that this remedy was unreliable, and began to interview friends, it did not work out very deftly.

“What are you doing to make more money?” I asked.

“I work,” everyone answered gloomily.

“Well, this is understandable,” I continued, “but so that even more?”

- I work even more.

Nobody wanted to disclose his money life hacks.

Then I asked Google, he had nothing to hide, and read detailed instructions for three evenings. There were many ways and all contradictory. Some wrote that, having received a salary, you need to immediately go to the store and buy something expensive. Others - that on the day of salary, the money can not be taken out of the wallet at all so that they “take root” there, no, and the card is also impossible. That money loves silence. What money likes when they are walking. That with money you need to communicate and share your plans. That the money needs to be talked to the growing moon.

But most of all I was shocked by two tips. Probably with its specificity and simplicity.

The first - when you drink tea and see on the tea bubbles, you need to gently collect these bubbles, be sure to with your left hand, and rub into your hair on the crown. All. And so every day. Rub the bubbles - and the money will reach you. I don’t know what to do if you have a bald head.

The second - be sure to put the wallet for charging. Everything is simple here: take a wallet and stick a telephone wire into it. A connector in a wallet, a fork in a socket. How long it is necessary to load the wallet, I have not figured it out. But just in case, I left it for the night. In the morning, the son of Danechka, seeing this, gave me a tedious lecture on electricity, and at the same time venomously asked if it was possible to charge his head in the same way. I’m not sure about the head, but the fee was transferred to me in two days.

Illustration: Polina Plavinskaya for TD

Panties and slippers

Recently I had a friend attended. A friend is a genius of purity and order, she doesn’t even start dust, she just does not have time. Never for a sock is lying under a chair, all jars are built in a ruler on the shelves, books on alphabet, plate in color, and even a dog has a look, as if it was just from a beauty salon.

We drink coffee in the kitchen, go to the room, my friend turns on the light, I quietly oyk and step on the dog on the paw. Red underpants hang and sway on the chandelier. And while I look at them and invent how to ask more carefully what they are doing there, a friend says:

- Do not pay attention, this is for good luck.

“Yeah,” I say politely. - And how does it help?

“I don’t know yet,” the friend says, “I recently hung them.” I specially bought, chose for two hours - it should still be according to the rules. Ordinary - for luck, lace - for love, thongs - for money. And be sure to the new moon.

- Buy on the new moon? - I ask and try to remember if I have red panties at home, and if not, whether it is possible to steal his boxers from my husband.

“Throw it into the new moon,” the friend explains. - After a ritual dance. We must jump to the music, wave her underpants, throw them on the chandelier and shout three times "Pot!" - A girlfriend looks thoughtfully at the ceiling, sighs and says: - Terrible, right?

We must jump to the music, wave her underpants, throw them on the chandelier and shout three times "Pot!"

- What do you believe in it? I ask carefully.

“No, that the panties are crookedly hanging,” the friend says. - It is terribly annoying me.

And my other friend has slippers. Fat, cozy male slippers. They always stand in the hallway, as if they are waiting for someone. Guests are strictly forbidden to wear them. Slopes are not for this - they are lured into the house of the future husband.

“Here you are funny,” the friend says, “I already have three girls got married at work.”

- And all with slippers? I ask.

“Exactly,” says a friend. - They still need to walk them sometimes - take them to a restaurant, for shopping or on vacation with you.

I imagine how she is lucky in the suitcase of slippers, how she takes them out in an empty hotel room and carefully puts them at the door. And the slippers stand and wait, wait.

“Listen,” I say, “well, there are other ways.”

“There is,” the acquaintance answers sadly, “you can, for example, hang panties on the chandelier.” Only I do not believe in it.

Well, in short

I found out the coolest life hack a month ago. I read on Facebook and realized that I was missing me.

I checked it on myself, works, and not only with texts. Generally with everything.

Now, if something is not possible for me-force yourself to call someone who does not want to call, or do charging in the morning, or wash the windows, or read the news and not to sob, or restrain myself and not perform in a white coat on a stool, I just say these three magic words.

Try it, it helps.

And do not forget to put the wallet for charging.

The material uses links to publications of social networks Instagram and Facebook, as well as their names are mentioned. These web resources belong to Meta Platforms Inc. - It is recognized in Russia as an extremist organization and is prohibited.

The material uses links to publications of social networks Instagram and Facebook, as well as their names are mentioned. These web resources belong to Meta Platforms Inc. - It is recognized in Russia as an extremist organization and is prohibited.

Life hacks humor