Translated material
How I lay in Rehab. Chapter One
Addiction can be called a peculiar form of slavery. Different departments consider drug addicts differently in Russia. The head of the Council of People's Commissars, Nikolai Patrushev, for example, talks about the figure of 640 thousand people in 2017, although about eight million were recently disbanded in the now disbanded FSKN. There is no consensus about the treatment of drug addiction in Russian society either. Methods of rehabilitation of drug addicts, like those that are practiced, for example, the organization “City without drugs”, where they are “treated” quite stiffly, many still consider them effective. The reader of Samizdat Ilya Pinaev decided to talk about how he himself got into such a “rehab”, but in the end he wrote a multi-part drama-day.
When your life is closely connected with drugs, you inevitably get used to a certain number of troubles accompanying this sweet hobby. But any troubles have a certain point when, at first, having gained more air in full breasts, swelling, transforms into problems, and then, having made the last effort, turn into a fucker. Fucked, unlike troubles and problems, is a hopeless state, a sort of non -return point, and the only thing that remains is, frozen, sincerely enchanting from what is happening, since any other actions in this situation no longer make sense by definition.
May 11, 2015
The steps in the entrance behaved quite aggressively - they grabbed the legs, now and then striving to lower me to the flight below. Sliding along the walls, periodically waving my hands in search of the support, panting, I eventually reached my apartment. Through a small access window, a lonely corner lantern flooded with a pleasant reddish light. In vain capturing the key in the well and suffering another defeat in the battle with the outside world, I called. The door opened the door and, sternly, looking into the shit -killed eyes, sighed heavily:
- Again?
- Uff, let's not start! - I pulled her back from the way and, staggering, headed for the refrigerator.
With difficulty opening the door, I began to methodically load everything that seemed to me more or less attractive to me.
- Turn off at least! ..
“Yeah,” I mumbled, throwing a bottle of milk.
- When will it end? I'm tired...
- How to die - so right away, do not worry!
- You already hurry then ...
- Be sure to make every effort.
Having finished the meal, taking off her outer clothing on the move, I trudged into the room, where, without undressing, I slapped on the sofa and already in half a day began to peer into the ceiling coatings. The headlights passing outside the window created a kind of shadow theater, and in these vague figures, girls, wild animals and sharp peaks of rocks in distant, never seen countries I have never seen. Then he felt in his pocket a package of poison, completely relaxed and fell asleep.
I woke up from shocks, much more aggressive than usual:
- Get up!
With difficulty tearing my eyes, I saw two young men in leather jackets. Shoes, jeans, folders and mocking, full of bestial confidence of the eye gave out operatives in them. A pale mother, who was standing nearby, added an atmosphere.
- What? - I began from afar, realizing that the conversation would be long. The purpose of their visit was clear, it remained only to understand the details. I was “lucky” repeatedly accepted in the lady's apartments, and I perfectly understood that if I still do not lie on the floor in the pose of swallows, with a broken face, it means that the visit of these guys is friendly and evidence.
- Do you use drugs?
- A couple of times smoked hemp.
One of the guests, smiling, pulled the door of my closet by the handle of the door. The presented sight of bags, twisted bills, tubes and foil spoke of the opposite.
- I have nothing.
- It doesn't matter. We do not need anything from you. Let's go to the department - we’ll talk a little, then throw you home.
This is clearly nothing good. To communicate at home, in front of relatives, this is one thing, but in the department, you know, a completely different matter.
- And on what, in fact, the question? - I began to instinctively pull the time, although I perfectly understood that there was little sense in this.
- Your friend gave interesting testimony, so we have to interrogate you, this is not long.
- I'll come myself! I just got up, I have to get together ...
- They have already collected everything for you, do not worry!
I began to look around in surprise - and suddenly noticed my sports bag in my mother’s hands.
“Podged the garbage! - flashed through my head. - Mother! Why is the bag-to prison, or something? .. ”Something inside me broke off. I remembered how she promised to do this a thousand times, but I never treated it seriously. We are like relatives.
Having recovered from shock, I began to look through the eyes of the way for the departure. Obviously, the guys realized that the situation was starting to get out of control, and after a couple of seconds I poked my face into the wall of my bed, listening to the treacherous clicks of bracelets from behind. Arrived.
In Rehab
When you are taken out of the house with your hands behind your back, shackled handcuffs, whoever says there, and each time you feel like a hero. The films of the 90s are probably to blame or the gangster romanticism of this country, but, be that as it may, the chest itself is filled with air, and the eyes rush around the square in search of witnesses of your second glory.
To my deep disappointment, there was nobody in the yard, and gloomy thoughts instantly replaced the self -love. At such moments, the main problem is not how much the situation itself, how much the fierce trash that suddenly arises in the head. Thoughts rush with the speed of light in an exceptionally chaotic manner, illuminating all possible outcomes, one another worse.
I was put on the back seat, the opera sat down from the sides. In the front, passenger place was a heavy man in the cape of Toronto Maple Leaves. Without turning around, he asked into the void:
- Do you need a daw?
“Yes, come on,” the young men answered in chorus. - Mother said it can be rampant.
- What kind of fucking jackdaw?! - I howled, trying to free the constrained wrists.
“Galoperidol, you and I do not need to fight.”
What is haloperidol, I knew very well, because by this time I had already experienced all the charms of Russian psychiatry in my own skin.
“Again in a fool,” I thought. - Why then all this farce? Where is the carriage, orderlies? "
The calling of the calling of the dose of azaleptin to the calls and the calling of the calls of the Azaletin, I was taken twice taken to the hospital, and what happened to me now was not enough was not enough. My condition left much to be desired, and internally I was even delighted with the presence of haloperidol.
“Well, put it, what,” I muttered.
- Torchka, real! - laughed and slowed down.
After the injection, obsessive thoughts gradually left, time slowed down, concentrated at one point.
- Where are we going? I squeezed out, watching the city ended for a long time and endless fields began to flicker outside the windows.
- You will see soon!
I leaned my head against the glass and looked towards the horizon, where a bright red dagger ripped a gray heavenly surface of an impending dawn.
“Why is fucked up constantly? What kind of share is this? "
The internal fatalist laconly summed up: "Fate!"
Knocked on the shoulder:
- Get up, sleeping beauty!
The body was numb, and without anticonvulsant haloperidol should not be given in science at all. But in everyday life for science to fuck, and this is normal. I faded away from the glass and tried to focus on for a few seconds: the image was floating and desperately did not want to gather in a holistic picture. Gradually, the ripples in the eyes ceased, and before my eyes appeared a two -story private house on the outskirts.
- Got it where I came?
Comparing all the facts, I nodded in the affirmative, but I voiced it:
- Rehabilitation?
- She is the most. Welcome!
The wrists were greatly bursting, but there were no bracelets in his arms. They were probably removed from me when I chopped off. As soon as he got out of the car, they took me into the “Opera” column, which, as it turned out, were no more operas than myself. The position from the left flank was taken by the healthy man in the cap, and went to the right. Judging by this “roses” technique, my escorts did a similar procedure more than one hundred times and knew very well how to distribute in order to exclude the possibility of escape.
We went to the veranda, the closing closed the iron door behind us.
“We’ll stand a little,” the Dailah muttered.
We stopped, and I was able to finally consider my “kidnappers”. “Opera” were similar to brothers: medium height, with large, rural facial features and blond hair. Jeans, shoes and jackets of cheap leatherette, which misleading me at home, now, under the rays of the morning sun, have taken their natural market appearance. Whatever the garbage speak, but they only go to the skin and never wear such cheaps. The cap, which blocked the way out, was like a ogra: massive, even heavy, with a nose the size of a middle potato and a face, almost completely covered with potholes. The driver, judging by the teams of the group and the general impression, was a leader and looked, by the way, the same. Good leather jacket, elegantly rubbed jeans, a sweater with a thin wool neck, Tommy Hilfiger sneakers, the last iPhone and gilded Tissot highlighted it very effectively against the backdrop of a cattle-sensitive style of his colleagues. He continued:
- What did you use?
“So, I smoked a little,” I began. A little truth is a tested method of presenting an uncomfortable, but already disclosed by the opponent of information. Being a militia caught, I never unlocked that I had experience in drug use (after all, a sharp denial always provokes aggression), but I did not reveal the whole picture. In such a simple way, I often left the departments, without paying a dime and without any problems, having played the role of an innocent, honest who accidentally fell into trouble of a citizen. Although all this was before the first run. Then to work, of course, stopped.
- Ilya, let's immediately understand everything: this is not a children's camp for you. This is a motivational center for drug addicts, there are people in whose life drugs have become a serious problem. What do you think? Do you have problems with substances?
-Ah, well, I'm not like that, I have no problems!
The group laughed synchronously.
- This is understandable. Do you recognize yourself with drugs dependent on narcotic drugs?
- No, I do not admit.
“Classic,” the Dailah remarked dryly. - We go!
The second door creaked heavily, and the interior of the house was opened to my eyes. A strange kind of posters were located on the walls, and instead of anti -drug propaganda that I expected to see, tables hung on them, in which personality defects, feelings, as well as long texts were listed, which is simply impossible to read during the passage along the corridor. We went up the spiral staircase.
“The family is still sleeping,” said one of the “operas”. - Sit with the interpretation so far.
A man with a heavings of a weightlifter came out of the room.
“My name is Kolya, I am a drug addict,” he said, smiling and held out his hand.
- Nifiga you have drug addicts here! - I was fingering.
The audience again grunted synchronously.
- Kolyan, tell him for now, what and how. An hour before the rise.
We went into one of the rooms that turned out to be a bedroom. In several rows stood Soviet creaky iron shkonari, without mattresses, the windows were pulled out to the curtains washed to transparency and, by the way, were created from the outside, which was contrary to all the fire rules. This was done not at all by mistake, but with one, very understandable goal: so that the rehabilitant could not dismantle the grate from the room and escape.
“In general, so,” said Kolyan, sitting down on the bed. - You have three golden days: you can sleep, you can walk around the house, see what is happening here. You do not carry consequences for anything.
- Like as an first?
“Yeah,” Kolyan grinned, “namely!”
- And then the type will go?
-Something like. You will see everything yourself.
- Can I sleep right now?
- Sleep.
Who am I and why here?
A distinctive feature of the mix of sedative drugs and haloperidol is an increased duration of sleep, so I slept for about thirty hours without even rising at meals. As a result, on the second day, by dinner, hunger made itself felt, and I went downstairs. The large room on the ground floor was called group, and almost all the events of the life of the rehabilitant took place in it. Leaving it was strictly forbidden, disobedience was punishable. There were tables and long village shops along the walls, forming a P-shaped figure. There were 25-30 people at the tables, and what immediately attracted my attention was their appearance. There were strange items in public, like masks, signs, boards with drawings, an air filter from a large car flashed on a small guy’s head - probably KamAZ. Everyone silently wrote something in notebooks, even that, in the filter, and did not react to my appearance at all. I sat on my free place with the edge. Nearby was a man of about fifty.
- What kind of nonsense is you worn? I asked.
“Therapy,” he answered calmly.
- And what does she heal, let me ask?
- irresponsibility.
“This is fucked up,” flashed through my head. No, really, this is already a fucked up. I was in fools, isolators, but what kind of garbage is this? This is already not going into any gate. ”
- How much time would there be approximately?
- How to prescribe the tasks.
- What other tasks?
“These,” the man poked his finger at the wall. I saw a long list of numbered headings:
1. Who am I and why am I here?
2. Losses in use
3. Test
4. Pluses and cons of use
5. The system of denial-illusion
6. Powerlessness
7. Steps 1-3
- Month? Two?
- Six months at least.
- Fuck. - the pause hung. - How to call here? I asked, recovering from the awareness of the reported fact.
“You don’t have any way yet.” Beginners do not call home for the first two weeks.
- Clear. Everything is tied.
I began to storm the table. Bloest thoughts began to tear their heads again. In the renunciation, I sat until late in the evening. People constantly wrote something, ran to smoke breaks, listened to lectures on psychology. Sometimes they declared some “self-will” and “irresponsibility” to each other and wrote down something in their notebooks. Observing, I realized that the group has its own older ones, who were called “ahead of”, and there are personnel who consist completely of former or current rehabilitants. Everything is constantly on self -service: cleaning, cooking, even a system of punishment - and that for self -regulation. A sort of mini-Socium. At the very end of the day, a planier took place. Everyone discussed for a long time from nonsense, in my opinion, questions like "Who did not extinguish the light where and where?" To absolutely incomprehensible: "Why do not work with traction and emotional state?" According to the results of this meeting, the warders who called themselves consultants made a verdict on the day: three thousand self -will and three hundred irresponsibility for the family. Plus, such things were announced to everyone personally, but in a smaller volume.
- What is this? - I asked the frail guy sitting nearby.
- The consequences, they must be written and passed.
- Tomorrow?
- No, now.
- And to sleep?
- And then sleep.
- And how much time is it?
- Usually up to four, then let go. But there is a day again.
- How is that?
“We just don’t sleep, and that’s it.” But you're on gold, so go sleep. Then you will regret that you did not sleep.
Despite the wishes, I still went down to everyone for everyone. In the twilight it was heard how intensely to scrap handles on paper.
- Help? - I reluctantly asked, more for the look: I really did not want to help.
- Well, help if you want. Write fifty self -will.
- How is it?
They handed me the text. "Smallness is contempt or resistance to any ideas that are not consistent with my own."
- This phrase fifty times.
- And you need three thousand such phrases? It's unrealistic!
- Plus a face. It is clear that it is unrealistic. We will be released before. Although there may be a day again.
- I already heard that.
-Something like that.
Having written my own, I went to bed. Waking up for dinner, I realized that they did not sleep at all, or slept very little. I was left one golden day, and I never came up with a clear escape plan, I did not want to immerse myself in this extravaganza of the pussy, and I had to act faster.