"Nimag without you"

In the material “why they haunt us” Samizdat told the stories of three girls, which stalkers hunted for. One of the heroines - Julia Varaxina - wrote a full -fledged story for Batenka about how a distraught fan haunted her for years. Everything here: attempts to turn to the police for help, and own powerlessness, and adaptation to a wild situation, finally - liberation, which is still in doubt.

This man has haunted me for eight years.

I am still worried if I see a blond with a long nose on the street or a man in the red jacket, like him,. And although I live now even in another country, sometimes, approaching the house, I stop: I’m scared, I feel - he flew to look for me and is now around the corner.

First meeting

A handsome blue -eyed blond in jeans and a shortened checkered shirt on the output - then, in 2009, all small clerks dressed. “It looks like a lawyer or a bank employee, a reliable and modest hard worker. Probably a good guy, ”I appreciated him.

And everything in him would be bored and understandable, if not for the eyes. In the crowd, who surrounded street musicians on Pushkinskaya Square, where my friends and I celebrated the end of the first year, I always felt his gaze - close, hypnotic. Such that, turning around, I could not stand it and the first to look away, but I could not help but look again.

An hour later, I invited the guy to the dance.

He held his hands on my waist as if she had burned his palms, answered monosyllabic, with difficulty squeezing out his words. Then, in the forest on the Sparrow Mountains, where we walked with the company that night, a new acquaintance sued beer, mumbled and assented.

In the morning, we kindled a fire in a clearing, and the guy hugged me from the back. I did not immediately understand where this sound came from. He pressed me to him, trembling, as in a fever, and, panting, pulled the air into himself.

His name was Oleg. And the surname was Belkov. And my last name was Chernukhina. I was eighteen, and he was twenty -eight years old.

Date

I don’t know why I agreed to another meeting - probably from the inability to say no, when they ask for a long time and persistently.
On her, I told him that he was a boring fool.
I sailed along the Boulevard Ring in my best, in a flower, a dress and imagined myself to be a heroine of a film that breaks the heart.
Oleg Semenil after and guied something about attraction.

The next morning on the phone I found sixty -four missing calls.
"Interesting, could Beatrich have such big ears?" - I examined myself in front of the mirror in the toilet of the editorial office of "New Izvestia", where that day I wrote an internship material about homeless people. I understood that Oleg Belkov did not look like Dante in love, but I liked to think that a literary plot had happened in my life.

Two weeks later, Oleg suddenly grew up from under the ground in the transition to Pushkinskaya Square and offered to jump with a parachute.
Four thousand meters. And four thousand rubles - then huge money for the student. My first jump in my life. We will even jump in different helicopters.
“And then I will definitely not see him anymore,” I decided.

My tandem instructor, stepping from a helicopter, made a somersault. The earth somersault under us, and there, upstairs, when after a whistling fall the parachute opened, in the deepest, without a single sound, silence - such that everything below seemed to me a fragile picture: small cars, a steam locomotive, cells of gardens and houses - I suddenly sang that I want to sing like a wind and fly over the ground.

Oleg looked at me from the ground.

I flew on him right from the sky.

"I bite Logty"

For several months we laughed at the whole hostel, reading his SSMES about “I bit Logty Nimag without you” and “Snowflakes swit to you, they want to do not want me”. On the day of all the lovers, which happened that year after Friday the 13th, Oleg sent me a photograph of a black heart carved from an X-ray of his jaw.
At first I apologized endlessly, patiently and sympathetically explained to him that love is not always mutual.
But soon there was almost no compassion in me.
I changed the SIM card, but sometimes in moments of boredom or sadness curiosity disassembled me, and I again inserted it into the phone.
He called.
In the hostel, fun began.

As a child, we dabbled, typing on a home phone with a round disk of the room of funny surnames from the director: “Hello! Is it? Come on, sit down! ” So now-we raptily hiccups and grunted into the pipe, washed off the water in the toilet, gave the phone to our gopy neighbor, put the grave songs of the darkwave group of Lacrima, but even after all this, Oleg continued to gundom in the phone: “Love-Ima! I will change, I promise! Remember, I said that I had not graduated from school? I promise to pass the exam! "

In the middle of one very dreary winter, an electrician came to the hostel by order of the commandant and pointed to our heater: “You have a heat cower. He is unsafe. We must buy a new one. Oil!"
I hid the heat -cotic behind my back and cried, but the electrician threatened to turn off the light if I do not give it.
From the corridor came the walls of freezing students.

So the hostel was preparing to check.
- Here, let you buy your boyfriend a heater! And you kiss him for this! - suddenly came up with a neighbor.
“He will warm you with his warmth,” another picked up.
- Let him prove his love!
- Yes! Let it prove!
-An adult man actually!

“Dear Oleg, I write to you, sitting inside a giant hostel.

It is very cold. I need money for a new oil heater ... ” - we sent SMS.

He stood under the monument to Pushkin, firmly holding money in his fist.
Before the meeting, I smeared my face with chalk, and my teeth with activated coal so that the kiss would not come out, and hid my face under the hood.
When Oleg bent down to me, I bought black teeth.
But this did not stop him.
He hesitated, folded his lips with a tube and, in a businesslike way, putting my hand on my shoulders, began to pull me to him.

Oleg loved me even like this - with black teeth.

On the same day, I threw out an old SIM card.

Persecution

Almost three years passed, Oleg was not declared. I enjoyed a huge student love and remembered him as a funny adventure.

But once in the spring in a crowd of students near the university she noticed a familiar face. The Gundish voice extended: "Yu-oo-ulka!"

It turned out that these years Oleg worked a lot on himself to become a worthy couple: he graduated from an external school, handed over the exam, bought a laptop and began to search for me on the Internet.

Telephone persecution turned into physical.

Usually he met me at the Beskudnikovo station, next to which our dormitory was, and despite all the requests to leave, walked nearby, looking into his eyes and telling all the nonsense: how he pulled his back and made a compress, how he found a apple tree with delicious apples in the botanical garden, and then he was driven away, as in a new company, where he got a job, and after a realtor was deceived and after a realtor, and after a realtor was deceived again and after This was his work book, because it already had fifty -one record.
“Julia, I have matured! I have changed! I will be good, the best! My only one! Please say “yes”! I did something wrong all the time, I'm sorry, it’s good me, I promise, I promise! ”

Oleg became the object of bullying from the whole hostel. He was nicknamed the "maniac." "Well, how is the maniac there, hasn't behind yet?" - Usually asked after "How are you?" My friends. And I told in detail. Still, after all, none of them had a crazy fan. Jennifer Aniston had a maniac, Britney Spears, Madonna, Madams, Thurman's mind was his own maniac. And with me.

In the summer, Oleg wore the same checkered shirt, and in winter the same red jacket and all year round - the same bright jeans that had already gone on the knees. Probably the same in which he met me. On his back was a small backpack, like a schoolgirl or a propeller Carlson.

Oleg always appeared when I had an important day. We even drove together to surrender a diploma. He was especially active for the holidays and especially when I had no one to celebrate them with.

“Your maniac went here again. Let me beat his head? "

On one of my birthdays, he waited at the hostel until the morning.
“You have no idea how I ... what happened to my head! The right and left hemispheres just went crazy! There was a real war between them: back and forth, left them to the left and right. Eyes jumped from side to side! I didn't even know what to do! But I chose! I chose! Waiting for you. Wife-a-al. All night waiting a-al! I waited for a night! To see you and give you ... a gift! " He said, holding out some kind of bracelet.

My rare friend did not "talk to him in a good way, otherwise it will be in a bad way."
“Your maniac went here again. Let me beat his head? " - our guard was worried, the Tambov guy Nikolai.

If I went on a date, it turned out the three of them. If we rolled on rollers or a bicycle, Oleg ran after him and did not always manage to tear himself away from him.

When he was driving with me to the university, I tried to jump into the subway wagon, and leave it on the platform, or vice versa - to jump out of the train at the last moment, but I never managed to deceive him or tear him away. Up the escalator, down the escalator, jumping from one escalator to another, through the entire underground passage, pushing people - he always caught up with me. He possessed incredible strength and endurance. Not a person, but a terminator.

On the hump by Oleg got a passport base, after which he began to congratulate my mother on the day of birth. Then he went to my hometown and sent photos of my yard. On a bench at my entrance, he laid out my last name with cookies.

Once, approaching the train to the house, I thought that everything in my life was changing, but not Oleg. And suddenly I realized: if he is not on the platform, I am bored of going home.

Diagnosis

The end of the fifth year was approaching. Fearing to miss my departure from the hostel, Oleg came every day and offered his real estate services to search for new housing.
But the day of eviction, when we scored my belongings - blankets and books - the old "Volga" of my uncle, he missed.

I moved to a small room in VDNH and deleted all the accounts on social networks.

Hello, freedom and new life!

Two months later, Oleg met me at the metro.
It all started first, only now there was no guard of Nikolai. Oleg unclenched the intercom door and waited for me right on the landing.

And I finally realized all the horror of the story that was stuck into.

Once again, when Oleg met me at the house, I suggested that he go to a psychologist. He was surprised at the proposal, but the desire to spend time with me won.

At a reception with a psychologist, Oleg answered with great difficulty, made pauses between words and even syllables, droplets of sweat appeared on his large nose.
“Do you see what is bad for her?” - the psychologist asked.
- Yes? Why?
“She doesn't want to see you.”
- And I want!
“But she doesn't want to.”
- But I want!
- And if she has a husband, child, will you continue to achieve her?
- This cannot be.

Listening to Oleg, I thought: “Does he know anything about me? Is his personality interested in his personality? "

The psychologist concluded that Oleg’s state is on the verge of mental pathology and that he has no critical assessment of what is happening. She advised me to contact the police or his relatives so that they would think about his treatment.

Police

One autumn evening, when Oleg, as usual, was on duty at the entrance, I called the police. We were taken to the unit.
- Personal? - Major Lobov neighed, reading my statement. - Young trace?
- Chikatilo spilled! -looked at Oleg because of the glass of the duty booth gloomy lieutenant named Lopatin. - Girl, what is the persecution? We are not in America! Then nearby, one lady pursued a guy who deprived her of virginity for two years. I called him the door at night. I sold the apartment and moved. And you say!
“Ask your young man to break his head and ... all things!” - winked Lobov, like Nikulin in the Operation “Y”. ”

When asked how to make a statement in order to punish the pursuer, Lobov answered:
- Yes, we will let you down under any article! Let's put a TV under his jacket, write that he stole and pursued you with a TV under a jacket! And better, I’ll tie his legs with a knot now and he will pursue you crawling like a worm!

The major launched a wave with a puffy torso, showing how worms crawl.
-Grouply hands, pestering, walking after me, pyt-t-and-one over-to-hut! ” - I read the syllables my statement Lopatin and for the first time since our appearance revived:
- That's how! What does he want? Sex?

Oleg was left in the police at night.
In the dark, going around the corner of a short two -story police building, I was about to breathe a sigh of relief, but then I jumped up with fear, hearing a gundish plaintive squeak over my head: “Julia!”
Oleg hung over me, pushing his forehead with a net in the monkey window.

Thread

My last hope was called Elena Ivanovna - it was Oleg's mother. Soft, compassionate, tired of life, in a dark skirt and rubber half -boots. Mild, non -sounding, ingenuous. Ideal mother -in -law.

Elena Ivanovna said that Olezhka and his older brother, who was already over thirty, she raised one. Both of them live with her in a small kopeckoy near the Bitsevsky park. The older brother breaks the cars and constantly gets into trouble, but she was very lucky with Olezhka - a good boy, does not cause trouble.

As if making excuses, she told and told me stories about her boy:
“He is so independent that, imagine, already at school he could fry the egg in a pan! I come once, and he made an fried egg for himself! He woke up himself, said nothing to anyone, washed the plate ... He, however, is a very good guy. ”

In childhood, Olezhka was kind and slightly shy. For this, classmates mocked him. Once a disaster happened on the extension: Olezhka was put their heads in a bucket for washing the floors. Since then, it has become closed. When it was time for him to go to the army, Olezhka was slaughtered by psychiatry.

Finally, I dared and said that Olezhka was pursuing me and that he may not be quite mentally healthy. I asked to show him to the doctor. Elena Ivanovna mysteriously lowered her voice, raised her hands above her head, folded her fingers, indicating two points like that:

“Imagine, this is Oleg, but this is you. You are connected with him with a thread. A thin stream of energy flows between you. And so you let this thread slowly let go - let go, let go ... "

My last hope has disappeared.

Telepathy

Every year Oleg Nalesil. He lost weight like a heroin addict. His face lost his cheeks, turned yellow, the eye sockets became huge, his long nose performed more and more. Now he did not look younger than his years - with such a chubby boy who playfully jumps on the subway. An old terrible stuffed animal ran after me, in all the same worn pants, a jacket with a jacket and a schoolgirl's backpack.
I felt squeamish when he, blocking the path, stood in front of me, and in the unbuttoned gate of the shirt, I saw a dimple between the collarbone on his flat hairless chest. The smell of his sweat - painful, sharp - reached me even from the other end of the car.

I changed apartments and work, but he still tracked me. I had no more strength to resist. I inserted the headphones, looked into the ground and quickly walked, hoping to quickly hide behind some door. Ignoring Oleg the most. He blocked the path, fell to his knees, bent down in front of me in a semi -prison while I was walking. “Yu-U-Ulka! I have changed! My only one! Tell me at least a word! I love! I beg you, give me a chance! I'm sorry, it’s good me, I promise, I promise! ”

On social networks, he sent me letters, registering under the name “Olezhka proteins”-each time again, when I blocked it: “Hello, Jul, I on Wednesday, December 18, came to your work, but did not see you, and on Thursday at 20:00 you went to the store and chewed something on the way back. And my tongue did not turn to speak, but I arrived again, and no longer a skeleton, I had a little, ”he wrote.

I used to believe that mentally ill are naive and disinterested in their desires. My pursuer was pragmatic.

It was too much. For a very long time I was neither funny nor curious

When I bought a scooter for myself, he decided that now he needed a car and then he would definitely conquer my heart! For more than a year, he told how he was trying to accumulate sixty thousand, he transferred money from some cards to others: “Sunny, I am on all car newspapers every day ...”. “In the mind, there are already 51 % of our car. I love love only you Yul. ” “Figuratively, there is an engine and body. I am collecting a real car. " “I say in an affirmative voice. We will have a vehicle machine. Which will go where we want. "

He did not know anything about this, but when I took a mortgage, annoying to myself that I would take her alone, Oleg - like a telepath! - Suddenly he spoke about the apartment and invited me to take a mortgage with him, for a long time unemployed.

When I broke up with a guy who did not want to marry, Oleg suddenly stated: “Julia, you don’t think that I want to marry. I offer you a civil marriage! "

Machine, mortgage and civil marriage - it was too much.

For a very long time I was neither funny nor curious.

He turned into a chronic disease.

I even imagined how I break the energy threads connecting us. Compassion and guilt were replaced by despair, and then powerless irritation. The owner and slave, the victim and the sadist for each other - we wandered with him together in Moscow, and no one was able to help us.

Do not cry, Julia

It was November 2014. I carried three large packages from the Golden Babylon shopping center.

The trams got up.
The rain began.
Я пошла по путям — через огромный пустынный бульвар, где на ветру качались чахлые, плохо прижившиеся деревья и летали целлофановые пакеты.

Олег появился как всегда в самый ненужный момент и не уходил, поэтому я приказала ему хотя бы не приближаться и идти на два метра сзади, подобрала хворостину и, если он подходил ближе, слегка хлестала его. Он смущённо улыбался, тянул «Ну Ю-у-улька!» и плёлся за мной, как покорный бычок.
«Я всегда делал что-то не так, — канючил он. — У меня и так проблемы! Я отдал деньги, меня кинули, а ещё и ты! Прости же меня, прости. Ты единственная любовь моя. Люблю, прости же, прости, прости!»

Я не выдержала и ударила его ногой.
«Юлька! Испачкала джинсы! Мои любимые!» — обиженно загундосил он.

И тогда я поколотила его, зажав в кулаке телефон.

Ребро мобильника попало ему в голову.

Он схватился за макушку и присел, жалобно заглядывая мне в глаза.

Он смущённо улыбался, тянул «Ну Ю-у-улька!» и плёлся за мной, как покорный бычок

Сидя на корточках, Олег протягивал вверх руку и показывал мне свою ладошку в крови.

I cried.
«Юлька, ты плачешь? Why? Не плачь, Юлька!»

И я представила, что где-то в кривом зазеркалье ему сдаюсь.

И вот мы отправляемся жить в двушку рядом с Битцевским парком.

По утрам он приносит мне эту свою яичницу, и я, преодолевая тошноту, засовываю вилкой в рот скользкий, как сопля, непрожаренный белок.

Потом он провожает меня на работу, встречает, провожает в кафе к подружке, упрямится, конечно, и даже разбрасывает носки, но если пригрозить, то делает всё что я ни скажу.

По ночам он сидит у моей кровати и смотрит из темноты, а когда всё-таки засыпает, вскрикивает во сне и вскакивает на кровати. «Не бойся, Олежка, маленький мой, я не уйду, я с тобой. И ты от меня не уйдёшь...»

Мы покупаем на мои деньги «транспортное средство машину» и по выходным, когда целый день впереди, садимся в нагретые солнцем кресла и защёлкиваем ремни. Мы катим далеко-далеко, по блестящей дорожной ленте, за горизонт, туда, где поднимается рожь, и птицы застывают в небе, и блестит, как рыбная чешуя, поверхность реки.

Liberation

Как-то Олег прислал письмо, которое показалось мне очень поэтичным:

"Hello
Уже 6 лет продолжается эта канитель, под названием Я ТЕБЯ ЛЮБЛЮ А Я ТЕБЯ... Вспомнить можно многое, хотя по меркам общего времени виделись редко.
Когда встретились, как так получилось, что вечер вместе продолжили, недоумеваю. Думаю, что ни один человек другому, ни скажет, что живёт впустую, только может вероятно самому себе в этом признаться, но другому нет.
У меня тогда были обычные примитивные мысли, они были просто очень простые. А как ты с таким как я куда-то отправилась, в оправдание ты ещё не знала кто я. Но тогда для меня это было волшебство, сказка, сон в летнюю ночь. Ещё не представлял, что со мною происходит, и что буду думать о тебе каждый день. Если только знал, что будут подъёмы в 5 утра на первые электрички, поездка на цветочную белую дачу в поисках эдельвейсов, а они оказались в горшочках, я их тока сфоткал. Учёба в экстернате 2009-2010, сдача егэ, тогда это мне мозги разогнало, заработал, купил ноут и начал искать тебя, странно, но на домашнем компе не мог.
Помню, как три дня ждал тебя на пряниках, а потом по разговорам студентов понял, что говорят они только о полиграфии. Один раз собака укусила, а ещё было место безлюдное и на встречу собак 20. Пятки отбивал. На права сдавал. Цунами из смсок. Знал бы я в первые дни что ждёт. Пиво в первую ночь убирала. Разумеется скажешь, никто тебя не заставлял это делать сам делал. Сам не ожидал, такого будущего.
И ты не ожидала.
Что будешь бить в глаз, перчить, гасить веником и сдавать в отдел дважды. Поход к психологу.
Иногда тебе советовали, иногда сама решала что-то.
Может ты думаешь, что я буду действовать теми же методами. Юль я хочу жить вместе. И ни разу в мыслях не допускал какую-то фигню, перестань загоняться по этому поводу.
Я никогда ни с кем не советовался, всегда были только мои решения что говорить и когда приезжать, сколько раз было приезжал и не встречал.
Вбила себе какую-то чушь обо мне, первые впечатления или делаешь только вид. А ты ходишь молча когда я рядом, очень быстро. Может хочешь послушать. Мне лучшие мысли приходят когда я передвигаюсь пешком или в вагоне метро, но если ещё можно было бы мысли записывать, был бы класс.
Помнишь предложил не жениться, сохранить гражданские отношения, а ты меня словосочетанием.
Это потому что давно решил не жениться, теперь по другому я так не думаю.
Обычно для принятий таких решений, нужно время дружбы.
Я не помню, что с тобою ругался.
Ты да. Но я это воспринимаю с пониманием. Сказала бы ты сразу, что согласна быть со мною. Я бы забил бы на свой прогресс, ни чего не стал добиваться, казалось бы всё таким лёгким и простым.
Есть девчонка и не надо ни к чему стремиться, всё клёво. И остался бы таким. Хочется сказать, что ты права в своём поведении и одновременно хочется быть с тобою давно.
Очень смешанные чувства. How to behave? Каждую секунду ожидаю, что начнём общаться. С огромной натяжкой можно сказать, дружим со дня знакомства. А когда удаётся тебя увидеть, может подумаешь это бывает часто, для меня это редко. Меня не покидает мысль, скоро скроешься за очередной дверью и когда я тебя снова увижу?
И ещё молчание, от этого даже голос пропадает, я не шепчу когда говорю.
Твоё согласие для меня, это то что будет самым лучшем и важным в моей жизни, остальное дело наживное приложится, главное мир и доверие.
И уж поверь не променяю ни на какие ковришки. Ты для меня одна.
Я такой гипер реактивный и глаза светятся, это потому что есть ты, а иначе просто завяну. I understand this perfectly.

Бывает редко приезжаю, причин тому много разных, надо что-то сделать сегодня, устал за день и ещё есть, но в основном время каждый день бывает приехать и любые причины побоку, но вот если точно знать, что увижу.
И так может нужно может не нужно на всякий случай скажу ты одна у меня есть и будешь.
И вот Юль, я это помню и ты это помнишь, это есть, потому что это было.
Я бы должен не обращать внимания на твои закидоны и извиняться за свои.
Но ты наверное решила бы, что тоже должна попросить прощение и ты разумеется делать этого не станешь.
И мне тоже это делать не хочется, потому что мы оба когда что-то делали были уверены в своей правоте.
и я предлагаю не извиняться, а сократить прощения взаимно. I see it so.
Не знаю на сколько это гениальная идея, что бы начать общаться, но я тебе её предлагаю.
Я ни в коем случае не собираюсь тобою играть и твоими чувствами они для меня святые. Знаю у нас получится потрясающая семья, она уже сейчас столько выдержала. Моими действиями и помыслами движет только чистая любовь.
Юль ты много пишешь, наверно это много значит для тебя и надеюсь примешь мои слова в письменном виде. Представь что я их говорю лично, но самое личное скажу при встречи.
Написал как вижу ситуацию сейчас, и как хотел чтоб она была уже сейчас.
И не подумай, что мне было это легко написать.
И если, что в твоём номере три двойки, умножь каждую на два и…»

Дальше письмо обрывалось.

Последний раз он позвонил мне после моей свадьбы: «Юлька, у меня и так проблемы, так ещё и ты! Блин, что ж делать — придётся ждать, когда ты разведёшься», — «поздравил» он меня. Я отдала трубку мужу, и тот, как человек, не склонный к рефлексии, сказал: «Парень, у тебя проблемы? Ну и реши их, чего ты мне-то звонишь?» Больше Олег не звонил.

Теперь ему почти сорок. Вряд ли он женится и заведёт семью, о которой так мечтал.

Иногда мне кажется, что он уже умер.

Cейчас мне неприятно вспоминать, что я издевалась над не очень здоровым человеком, я испытываю чувство вины и оправдываю себя тем, что была юна, глупа, ничего не знала о сталкерстве. И что не будь меня — он прицепился бы к кому-нибудь другому. Я изо всех сил стараюсь об этом не думать, но иногда, когда всё-таки думаю, вижу, что это было моё такое долгое и серьёзное испытание не на смекалку, ум и находчивость, а на человечность — и я его не прошла.

Но сострадание не отменяет страха, который я до сих пор испытываю, хотя живу в другой стране. Ведь хроническую болезнь нельзя вылечить, и она лишь затихает до очередного обострения.