“It is difficult to play your role when real residents of the district shout:“ You are a crowd, you paid you! ””

I grew up without a father - he left us when I have not been yet for a year. Relations with my mother were always complicated: she forbade me to be friends with whom I wanted, could call my parents and say: "You spoil my child." She also criticized me. Moreover, I studied poorly at school. Once for the wrong answer, the teacher reported me with all the class. It was humiliating, and since then I was generally afraid to raise my hand and go to the board. From the age of 14, I began to earn myself so as not to depend on my mother. But my work was constantly not glued. Once, an astrologer told me that I have a "horoscope of a non-working person." As a child, I wanted to become a psychologist, but my mother sent me to a medical school, and I received the profession of a nurse. Then, from the labor exchange, I was sent to study on a cosmetologist. As a result, I changed many different works. Once I even poured beer in the store, but there I lasted only eight days. I also somehow got a job as an administrator in a fitness club, worked for about a month and a half. But some intrigues and stands among colleagues began. I think it's all from envy.

A few years ago I am terribly tired of all this. I was in a deep crisis and did not know how to get out of it. Suddenly terrible fatigue fell, and I could not move off the ground. I no longer went to dancing and in karaoke. She called her friends and asked to just come with me a walk, but they did not agree. I was engaged in constant self -destruction and seemed to fly into the abyss. This is a state when even his own child does not please. And I forever quarreled with my mother: she told me that I was doing everything wrong, even the child could not give birth to herself, so I had to do a cesarean. And then I thought: what should I lose? And she wrote in “Let's get married”-just to do something new so that life stops standing still. So I began to participate in the masses and television projects.

For the first time, I participated in “Let's get married” as one of the three brides, among which the groom should choose the right one. It was necessary to tell about yourself and prepare some kind of surprise. Everything went very unsuccessfully. The day before, I quarreled with a girlfriend who was supposed to come to the show with me, found out a relationship with her all night. As a result, one came. The brides before getting to know the groom, sit in separate rooms with their friends, watch what is happening in the studio, and discuss. I sat in this room completely alone and spoke aloud with the screen. What else was it to do? The editors of the program also asked me to put on a wedding dress. It seemed to me somehow wildly, but I still obeyed. And then Guzeeva said that I am an empty and infantile person. After a sleepless night, all on the nerves, I could not stand it and burst into tears.

I was invited to the program again - now I had to choose my groom. I chose a man named Nikolai, and after filming we went to Karaoke. But he turned out to be completely different from what he looked in the program, - he behaved strangely, began to pester me. So we have never seen each other again.

Then for three years I participated in the television project “This I” - we had to walk with the camera and shoot our daily life. I had the image of a woman who constantly swears at the child and cannot get a job in any way - he will go to a new place, work one day and stop.

But in this project I seemed to have lost myself. It all started with the fact that we recorded our real life as it is. And then the project of the show was approved on the first, and gradually the shooting became partially staged. Now the directors often told us what to do. Yes, in the video that I shot for “this I”, there really were scenes where my daughter and I swear. But then we always put up with her, asked each other for forgiveness and discussed why there was a quarrel. This was never shown. Apparently, the authors needed to create the image of an evil mother. I expected that by the end of the project, my heroine would change for the better, but this did not happen - it seems to me that she, on the contrary, only deteriorated. Now I would not revise this program - I am disgusted to look at myself. It is as if I and at the same time not me.

Approximately at the same time, when the shooting of the project “This is me” took place, I began to go to public hearings for money. I needed to portray a resident of some area and defend a certain point of view. Such events are arranged by the district authorities to discuss development projects. They began to invite me to these hearings when I registered on the site to work in the masses.

This usually happens like this: your questionnaire is found on the site, they call and ask: “Hello, you would not want to go to public hearings of this and such a number?” Those who agreed are invited to rehearsal. Customers come there - developers or deputies. Each participant receives a leaflet with a role, and then everyone in a certain order speak or ask questions. Everyone has different roles: someone for, someone against development. After all, if everyone will say the same thing, it will turn out unnecessarily. During the rehearsal, some cut off: those who are too timid or confused in words. This has never happened to me, I like to be on the set, to be in the frame. It was a good part-time job-you go once and get one to two thousand rubles. In addition, it was quite interesting, it was necessary to emotionally win back their role. I arranged such scenes!

Hearings are often held in a very aggressive environment. I especially remember the discussions of the project of the general plan: there were a lot of people, the police, video cameras everywhere. I had no one to leave a little daughter with, I brought her with me and was afraid that someone would accidentally push her or trample her. It was a little scary: it was difficult to play a role when real residents of the district shout: "You are a mass of mass, you paid you!" And everyone looks at you, and the police are very close. It seems that you are about to be repented. But, when I got used to the role, everything turned out by itself, and there were never any problems. I said that I live in this area in such a house, my relatives also live there, the general plan is very good and it will make our life more conveniently.

I know people who constantly go to such hearings and earn a living by this. Often the permanent participants are people who themselves are interested in politics and development. They are best suited for this task: if something does not go according to the plan or they will be asked an unexpected question, they will not be confused. Some of them sincerely advocate, for example, for the general plan and goes to protect it, and at the same time receives money. But among the regular participants there are those whom you do not expect to meet at such an event. For example, I know one man who has completely devoted himself to the Church, goes there every day, constantly explains something about religion. And the rest of the time, it works as in this way. The organizers have a list of the most reliable regular participants, and they are called first. Therefore, if you go to hearings for a long time, you begin to recognize many in person, hello, get acquainted with some, and then during the hearings you correspond in the messenger.

Typically, about 20 people of the masses come to hearings. The rest are active citizens who really live in this area and came for free. There are usually more of them, 30-40 people. These are mostly elderly people. I watched them for a long time, and it seemed to me that they were lonely and depressed, they had no one to talk with, and I want to throw out emotions. Therefore, they come to such meetings in order to quarrel, to find out a relationship with someone.

At that time, I did not think about the meaning of what was happening. The general plan did not worry at all. But the actions of the "real" residents of the district often seemed quite meaningless. There is some old abandoned cinema, and instead, for example, they want to build a store. What is the point of protecting the building that no one needs? I understand, for someone these are memories. But there is no practical benefit in this.

And what's the point of going against the system? I remember when I studied at school, I always proved my case, although I realized that I could not change anything. In our country, they are not very fond of those who advocate justice and against the majority. Why spend your strength if you can’t prove anything?

I participated in the hearings for about two years - they invited once every few weeks, but sometimes there were long breaks. Now I am not doing this anymore - I got sick. I do not like that the state seems to pushing us with other people, forces me to swear with each other.

Now I am interested in meditation - I go to the seminars of psychic Vit Mano. My whole life now consists of this. Maybe I will be able to open my own business related to massage and meditation. I have regular customers whom I do Chinese massage, work with biologically active points. Now that I have discovered these practices, my life has really changed.

True, I recently participated in a new project on STS, and there the famous psychologist Labkovsky talked with us. He said that I urgently need to go to the doctor and start drinking antidepressants. I began to tell him about meditation, but he does not want to hear about this. The person who says such things immediately falls in my eyes. Antidepressants only clog the body, and doctors and all kinds of psychological tests work with what is happening in the head. But at the energy level, everything works in a completely different way. I believe that the main thing is the soul and work with emotions. Therefore, I prefer love and meditation to any antibiotics and antidepressants.