Translated material
"She came to press my eye"
Samizdat continues to talk about Stalking - an undesirable obsessive persecution. We already wrote about the causes of Stalking and why everyone can become a victim of persecution, and the law in Russia will not protect. We also published the story “ Nimag without you ”, in which a fan did not leave a girl for eight years. Now we propose to read the text of the person who was tormented and pursued by a woman. The author sent this story in response to the newsletter that our chief editor Olga Beshley launches on Wednesdays (you can subscribe here ), and asked for anonymity. We publish it with minimal reductions.
“Beshley, hello.
I can try to answer for other men why they do not write. Because for a man the role of the victim is very embarrassing. And no one still believes that a woman can somehow seriously interfere with a man to live.
Small disclaim. The main part of this story is not about stalking, but simply about abnormal relationships. <...> Maybe she will demonstrate what it feels like to live with a person capable of stalking.
I very sensitively experienced the story "Nimag without you." I was especially hooked on a joint trip to a psychologist, when it turned out that Oleg about Julia’s personality, perhaps, did not know anything and is not interested in what she wants. I lived with such a person. It seems to me that I found a way to act in such situations, and I write with the hope that my story will help someone.
It’s unpleasant for me to think that this story can be read by my ex, which, in fact, pursued me, and will take him for a message to her. It’s still embarrassed in front of my wife, because I want to leave everything in the past, as if it were somewhere in another life and not at all with me. I also do not want to mention real names and names, although I still think that the story will be very recognizable for those who were in the know. ”
Trap
We met with her for four years. Sometimes some quarrels arose from scratch. It seems to everyone happens, nothing special. But at some point, I began to more and more often recall that experiment with a frog, which gradually heats the water, and it manages to get used to the temperature increase faster than she understands that it is booming alive.
The game itself began when I moved to her apartment. In addition, we also worked in the same company, but in different departments and on different floors. At six in the morning they got up together, then went to the office, then returned home together. I will not tell how the relationship was superimposed, I will immediately move on to the essence.
At first she rolled scandals only on weekends. I suddenly found myself guilty. All my explanations and appeals to logic were instantly distorted and distorted. I had to give almost the vocabulary definitions of the words that I used to explain: I did not mean anything else except what I said. In the last two months of our relations, this has begun to happen every evening. And she, in general, had a shit, whether I need to write a coursework or, perhaps, sleep at least an hour before the next working day.
She cut down Wi-Fi when I was looking for materials for a cursory, and did not allow the Internet to turn on again. If I tried to get to the router, she repelled me, and it was impossible to get around her. I could not do the work I needed without a fight. And since a man is not entitled to hit a woman, I retreated and gave up.
I tried to leave the house during the next quarrel. She did not let me dress. I was ready to go in winter in the same socks, just not to participate in this circus. She blocked my path and jammed the castle so that I could not go. She did not allow me to leave work before her so that I would not escape. And I could not do anything, because otherwise there would be a fight and I would become another "man who beats a woman." She used 100 % that I did not allow myself to hit her. The degree of absurdity grew gradually, and I understood more and more what kind of trap I got into.
Once there was a completely crazy night. In another quarrel, I clearly realized that I just had no strength to fight back from verbal attacks or from physical ones. I have not slept for a very long time, and she seemed to only become more vigorous. I am still amazed at where she got so much strength. I just decided to be silent, because any word mine turned into an occasion for a claim. Absolutely any.
He went to sleep in the kitchen. She came, took all the bedding. I pretended that nothing was happening. He knew that any action on my part would only cause a new flurry of accusations, it was not clear what. It was cool, but tolerant. She did not give up - she began to crush me, clamp and her mouth. When I realized that she seemed to not be aware that she could really strangle me, I began to slobber her hand, which she pinched my mouth. It worked, she let go. But then again and again she came to the kitchen and pulled me from the couch to the floor. Then I just stopped climbing the sofa. She again tried to strangle me, sat on top - in general, she did everything so that I could not rest.
She wanted me to continue to talk to her. And I was silent.
If you retell everything that happened then, enough for a small story. In the morning, I stood with my lip and a broken head pierced through, but still remained silent. She called her friend and said that I hit her. "What are you fucking, do, fool?" - flashed through my head. After all, she strangled me, it was she who squeezed out my eyes to me, it was she who broke my lip, I lay on the floor in the hallway, trying to sleep at least a little, and she says that I hit her!
I realized that I have nothing to lose. I imagined how her father came to me and beats the eggs or how they took me to the police and judged for domestic violence. Let him compose anything.
She laid the phone and handed me the words of her friend that I had to be rejoiced. And she said that I really beat her.
I have long been convinced that she does not live in the real world. The reality for her was what she convinced herself and others.
<...>
Escape
The month went to prepare for an escape.
I had to portray that the relationship was getting better so that it relaxed and stop guarding me. And once I returned home half an hour earlier than her, with a separate copy of the keys.
I did not try to ask for the help of my parents - I did not want to tell them this shameful story. It was even more ashamed to friends. No one knew what was happening at our house. For others, we looked like a very sweet couple, no one could imagine that we would someday part. I myself did not believe that it could be so.
Moreover, no one would believe in what madness she did. But one proposal was enough for her friends to believe: a quiet guy whom no one had ever seen even annoyed, at home beats her. Where is it visible for a man to be a victim of domestic violence? This is absurd! And if so, then he is a rag and himself is to blame.
But here I had a chance. I am alone at home, and maybe she will not be able to detect me. I shoved the most necessary into my backpack and went.
This is not the first time I was gone. Attempts were before our relationship turned into a thriller. Then everything fit into the framework of “ordinary quarrels”. But each time she managed to convince me that she became different, and I began to feel so cruel as if kittens with my bare hands. And I returned, everything again looked good and very cute, maybe several months.
She had a terrible ability, not having the opportunity to see me personally, to make hundreds of calls. I could not get rid of them. <...> You say nonsense into the phone, you bring the phone to the column - it does not matter. Then I came up with picking up the phone and just put the phone in my pocket. She tried to say something, but I just did not hear her words. I rested from the buzz of the phone until she was convinced that she was wasting time in vain, and did not call back.
This time the same thing began exactly. At first I lied to her that I just left for the weekend - to take a break from this situation. Paradoxically: she did not want to admit that she tormented me, but at the same time she perfectly understood why I ran away. When she turned her eyes and began to suspect that I was not going to return, although she left her almost all her things, she began to attack me with calls. She called on the weekend, and on weekdays she came to my office, stood above her soul, explicitly spoke in his face, pulled the phone out of her hands, tried to pry. After one of these visits, the colleague told me: “Why are you so with her? She loves you. " I did not hope that I could explain to him how things really were.
Her friends began to write to me. For example, the guy of her girlfriends - a pitch weighing no less than a centner and two meters tall - was interested in my weight category. I did not react. When this did not work, she began to hint on the phone that she was going to kill herself. I wrote SMS to her mother, and it was ridiculous when the former called me and scolded it for this, but nevertheless considered my actions for care.
All this time - remembering how she called a friend and lied that I hit her - I waited for me to call me one day. Months walked, and she could not calm down. I began to meet my current wife. When the former found out about this, she came to my office and accounted for me, as if we were still together and it was a betrayal. Once again, I spread my slap in the face. Soon after, I changed my job. I don’t know when she finally believed that I did not leave to return.
Stalking
Teached by the experience of previous unsuccessful partings and in general life with her, I came up with tactics how to react to her persecution. I understood: no matter what I say, no matter how I react to her actions, it will be a feedback that stimulates it to continue. I needed to save strength. I always tired of this faster than she. Therefore, I decided not to react.
She calls - I pick up the phone and put the phone back in my pocket. It worked: she began to call less often.
Friends talk about how she walked with them. I will not comment in any way.
He writes in social networks - I do not add to the black list, I do not answer, I do not leave myself.
This acted because it was obsessed with breaking my resistance in order to achieve her struggle. Therefore, I did not fight, but I did not give up.
At first I felt her attention almost around the clock. She used any channels. Then she discarded the most direct, because they did not give an effect. She spent her strength and did not receive anything. From calls every few minutes, she switched to calls once a month. Finally, they stopped for a long time, but after a couple of years she called again.
I wrote in social networks at first also around the clock, then less and less. Sometimes I sent me photos where I and my current wife on a trip somewhere in another country. I just removed all the incoming - so that I just had nothing to answer, even if I suddenly break.
When she stopped attacking me from her number, the calls began to come from a stranger. They were silent in the tube.
<...>
She tried to drag me to the sessions to the psychologist, invented the cunning schemes of meetings so that someone would give me something from the things that I left.
The last direct interaction was probably immediately after my wedding. She wrote a congratulation. Since several years have passed since our parting, I thought that if I add it to the black list, then this would no longer provoke it to activity.
A year or two after the wedding, a friend wrote to me and asked me if I wanted to pick up some thing. I realized that he had seen her and she tried through him to return what I left during the escape.
Almost six years have passed. We have many common friends, so at least once in a couple of years I hear something about her, I still do not react in any way and still do not believe that she stopped following me, although now it does not bother me at all.
PS
You can also watch the movie "Disappeared." It was very scary for me to watch him, because I understood the main character well. Cinema perfectly reveals the topic of how a woman is able to speculate on the image of the victim.
There may be a lot of questions, as I got into such a situation and why I didn’t leave before, why did not say this or that, why did not act in another way. In fact, I really tried a lot of things. Most often I came across the same trap: she exposed me with a tyrant, and I returned and felt guilty, but she forgave her and believed that there would be no more, she was so begging.
When the whole tin began, it was no longer possible to tell others, because it seemed that it would be shameful - it would be necessary to explain how I made such an attitude towards myself. And if you add details, then just no one will believe. In public, she behaved adequately. When the tyranny between a man and a woman - in the eyes of society for a man it is a shame, and a woman is a hero, and it doesn’t matter which of them the victim.