How Major Pletnev met D.E.

Oleg Navalny is a political prisoner and brother of politician Alexei Navalny. He sits in the case of “Yves Rocher”-to the same one, because of which the opposition is not allowed to run for presidents and which the ECHR recognized as unreasonable. Oleg has been in prison for the third year (one and a half of them - in a single chamber), but spite of the system with the help of paper letters, he managed to become a blogger , launch a project of prison tattoos on his own sketches and even make a game for Meduza. Samizdat asked Oleg to write his very story, but a literary debut came out - a New Year's fairy tale, performed in the best traditions of magical realism and with a pound of prison tin.

Major Pletnev lay his face on his desktop, burning his hand in a small shoot of the beaver on the back of his head, and quietly whined the "Farewell of the Slav". The universe brought to such a miserable state of the employee of the Federal Penitentiary Service of Russia. No more or less. But even a month has not passed since he changed the status in “Odnoklassniki” to “Balm Fate”.

An unexpected order from Moscow, like a mysterious glow of a UFO patrolling the corn fields of Texaschina, lit up the darkness of his career staircase, turning the major from the ordinary functionary of the special unit of the educational colony for minors of the Chumikan (in fact of the clerk rat) in the head of the prison of the special secrecy regime named after Green I. A.

This correctional institution went on legends on both sides of the law. The place of deprivation contained the most inveterate recidivists and was located at the bottom of the Arctic Ocean exactly at the North Pole. The geographical point, to which the bathyscapes of the countries of developed capitalism planned to reached only by 2025, were put on the Gulag map during the People’s Commissar of Beria, residential barracks, dining room, medical unit, and club were erected there in the shortest possible time ...

Today it’s scary to think about the number of lives sacrificed in the name of the bright goal of correcting criminal elements - in order to build this temple of resocialization below the waterline. Looking at the vintage photos of the first years of the life of this prison, it seemed transcendental to how the salary was able to build buildings from a sewage cedar and speaker, ensuring the tightness of the buildings, smearing the joints and gaps of silt and small shells.

Today, in the century imposed by partners from the outside of humanization, the prison has become the wrong and was completely reconstructed by the forces of the free -intensive subsidiaries of Rostec using modern technologies and materials, in full accordance with industry standards. Due to secrecy, the money for the construction of this penitentiary complex was hidden in other articles of budgets of different levels. For example, evil languages, who eagerly accused officials of corruption during the construction of Zenit Arena, could not know that the poorly growing lawn and malicious spoilage of the roof of the stadium with cormorants was only cunning-genius coverage of the expenses of the super-tier for the equipment of the psychological relaxation cabinet (massage armchair-2 pcs. Big-1 pcs.).

Two weeks ago, having arrived at a new place of work for the first time, Pletnev felt that the bird of happiness transferred him from the archaic hell of the Khabarovsk Territory to paradise of the post -industrial society in the vicinity of the ice cap of the world.

Then the problems began.

The New Year was nearing, so at first Major Pletnev without a doubt and internal reproaches signed statements for short -term but extraordinary vacation to employees: the path to a large land took time. And even an employee of the Federal Penitentiary Service cannot be denied the manifestation of human feelings: New Year is a family holiday. When the number of such statements began to grow an avalanche -like, with the help of the good old bureaucracy, Pletnev managed to modify the ardor of the employees: he sent all the statements for preliminary vision to the head of the personnel department, who left for leave the very first.

The leave was followed by sick leave. The junior officers interspersing with the elder suffered from whooping cough, measles and bleeding here and there, ulcers and stigmata. Pletnev coped with the growing problem previously used by the hook -boring reception: he sent everyone to confirm his ailment with the head of the medical unit, knowing that he had gone to the carnival in Rio to treat the “dance of St. Vita”.

Then a series of self -mutilation and desertion with elements of looting began, and now, on the eve of the New Year, the actual staffing of the staffing barely reached a dozen percent.

On the guard perimeter, the lack of sentinels was so catastrophic that on some towers I had to hang Porechenkov posters, which remained after last year’s concert dedicated to the Day of the UIS. The image of the actor in the club only intensified the darkness of circles under the eyes, and from afar he became indistinguishable from the sentinel on the tower in the sheepskin coat and the press “Press”.

It was saved that it was extremely difficult to escape from a prison under the thickness of ice and water of the nearol temperatures: boats were required. All bathyscapes and mini-submarines, which were in working condition, were sent to the ports of the continent, supposedly (and for any fire occasion) to replenish the sauerkraut.

Pletnev was left at the disposal of the prison only by the moose bathyscaphe "Fyodor Konyukhov". If the idea to get rid of the fleet came to the major head earlier, then, obviously, staffing would be able to keep at an acceptable level.

The detachment of the retreat paths did not become a panacea: it turned out that in a place from which it is not easy to escape, you can successfully hide yourself. The personnel began to engage in excessively into an unresolved by the internal regulations of the relationship with convicts of varying degrees of emergency and illegality, for which both of them had to be placed in penalties, free places in which were rapidly approaching to an end.

Pletnev began to suspect that the matter is unclean. Instinct ordered him: "Dig!"

Trust conversations with the remaining staff did not lead to anything. They denied the existence of a supernatural connection in a series of recent events and only fearfully squinted at the calendar.

Pletnev was trampled and poured himself a glass of antifreeze: to save the honor of the officer by self -hadshot did not allow strict regulations prohibiting firearms in prison (even sentinel on the towers were armed, even developed in Rosnano using blockchain technologies and super-duty carbon materials, but just remembering), however, remembering about the beans), however, remembering about His past position, the major went deeper into the archive in search of answers. There he found them.

It turned out that every year on December 31 in the official institution named after Green I. A. took place at the same time: the following events took place:
- The disappearance of the head of the prison
- The escape of the convict from the camera of the special block No. 12.

The archive has been led since the 54th year, and for a year it has not ended differently.

“Warked means armed,” thought Major Pletnev and began to prepare a plan for preventing the escape. But, having studied the reports of the security department, he realized that the event was doomed to failure. It turned out that the former bosses tried everything: they poured special block with water, concrete and radioactive cesium; They exhibited security, reinforced guard, superly guarded, robotic guards and even a puppy patrol (Staffordshire terriers infected with Ebola virus). They even arranged Buinov’s concert, and many of the sales ended the life of suicide, but not a site from the camera No. 12, who successfully escaped and then.

Pletnev sank a stained face from the table and stared for a thousandth time into a non -color photograph on the personal case of the convict. Grinning into a thick gray-gray beard, an elderly big man looked at the major.

In the gaze of his transparent eyes, February blew a snowstorm.

In carrion carved on a cliff on a rock, wrinkles gaped with blackness.
- "D.E.D. Sino ” - read the filled columns of F.I.O. Pletnev. - Azerbaijani or what? - At that time he marveled at a strange name.

The gaze of the major sortly crawled along the lines of the matter. What was happening seemed to him unreal. How it is: all the power of the state, which rose from the knees, who defeated terrorism and Jehovah's Witnesses, is not able to cope with some kind of architect.

The head of the prison raised his eyes and saw the president of Russia. He was in the frame. There was again the President of Russia under the frame. He moved the surface of his face silently, congratulating the great country. New Year has come.

Major Pletnev turned on the sound of the TV at the moment when the facial expressions of the chief commander became the facial mask of Tota - a sure sign that the chimes will be beaten now.

The ringing of the clock mechanism of the heart of the mother of Rus' did not reach the inner ear of Pletnev. The light of the prison went out. One after another, the alarms of security systems began to work through which they heard:
- Firm and decisive tread
-The loud “Hou-hou-hu”.

The major felt that he would lead to the chair even stronger, forms a single whole at the atomic level with him.

The door to the office solemnly opened, flying off the hinges. In the clubs of the frosty steam and in the striped robe, the look of Pletnev appeared D.E.Do-How-hu-hu-hu, khe-khe-khe, ooohkhhhhhh-pah !!! Eh! Do not blame, boss, - a tube, an open form.

Pletnev in response only could give his face an expression of a shrimp.

- Well, the mistress! You probably have a lot of interests to me?
- Emmmm ...
- Well, okay, listen, do not be confused like that, otherwise you will be swollen ... Ahead of time. HOU-HOU-HOU. I know all the interests of Tva, not an first-go. Therefore, I am D.E.D., my rattlesh of my "scumbag". One hundred moves, two hundred shoots-themselves, we are getting goodbye, Hou-hou-hu.

The gray -haired bearded man again went in a laugh.
- Scha, you and I, mistress, get up skis. Well, how are we? I have something with you, you are belt, you can’t be common, you can understand. I will take you with me as Shnyrev’s affairs. Well, to feed. Yes, you're not pale, you fool! And then I instantly laughed for you to normalize blood flow.

In support of their words D.E.D. He brought the collar of the staff to the face of the major.
-I myself have cannibalic affairs, too, but tradition, you won’t write anything ... Do you know how to row at least?

Pletnev nodded dumbfounded.
-Well then, on the road, Hou-khe-hou! - The scumbag was chopped by the boss and, putting him in front of him, climbed his burglaries. - Mchi me, the horse pedal, straight aiming at the submarine! Hou-khe-khe. And come on, serving, more lively. We still have to rescue the Snow Maiden from Polon, but all the bright huts are obliged to get around before dawn, you yourself know that we have a lot of them in Russia.

The knees D.E. Yes, the ribs of Pletneva squeezed the hydraulic press. The major rushed at a cheerful trot. In the end, his gaze poured him out of the chaos of the cabinet from the case of D.E. Yes, separately lying on the floor-this was a model of prison folklore, seized from some kind of prisoner on a shipment.

Under the ice, in the top of the world,
Where there is no heat Maruch,
The grandfather-diz is chasing
Everyone calls the scumbag.
In the New Year, as soon as midnight,
Cutting out the brakes,
Grandfather Flot crushes a bastard,
Standing in the course.
Put the mistress in the bag
And his baid in the taiga,
Rubbing grocery
And lucky Greva* Brothers.
Landuri **, chifir, kurjoha
He carries all decent.
Knife right in the belly
He distributes the bitch immediately.
Well, and early in the morning
Only the sun will affect the ray
Take grandfather gloomy
Many cop heaps.
But his riot police do not fear,
A year passes - and he again
He will run away from the most terrible zone
Grevov to accelerate
And the cartoon *** Silence the lads:
"Happy New Year, AUE!"

* “GREV” is a matteral submitting to the same time. That is, tea, sugar, cigarettes and drugs.

** " Landuri" - chocolate sweets.

*** "Mulka" - the meaning changes very much from the context. Here this word, apparently because of the verb, means some kind of positive phrase.
Usually a “cartoon” in prison is called a lie or a drug Kampatinon.