It's not scary with dad

The five -year -old Svyatoslav was diagnosed with acute leukemia. His father Vladimir was next to him - in the ambulance and in two hospitals. Father's monologue about how the life of a man who decided to depart with his child is changing was the head of the publishing house of the book to help Natalia Ledneva

The publishing house “Book to help” , which produces literature for families with cancer in children, collects the stories of fathers - about their inconspicuous feats and the severity that falls on them with the child’s illness, about the imposed need to restrain his emotions. About incredible physical and moral efforts that men have to apply in order to withstand the struggle against cancer with their child. With the permission of the publishing house, the portal “Such Affairs” publishes the story of Vladimir, a former soldier who went to the hospital with his five -year -old son Svyatoslav - there the child was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia - and he was with him for the most terrible weeks. The story of a persistent father about the stubborn son and that the parent has to experience in the early days of the disease was recorded by Natalia Ledneva, the head of the book to help.

We have four children in our family. In 2016, when all this happened, the eldest son was already a student and studied abroad, the middle daughter was in high school, Svyatoslav turned five, and the youngest daughter was two years old.

In early September, Svyatoslav became not good during the day. He lay down on the floor and complained about pain in his side. I examined it. In the place where the spleen should be, something large and solid was felt. The inguinal lymph nodes were like peas, the temperature rose. And bruises appeared - many bruises, especially on his feet, as if he had been beaten with a stick.

While waiting for an ambulance, the wife panicked. All the time asked, did I really think that this is something serious. Although the maternal instinct, probably, already understood everything.

The expressions of the persons of the ambulance after the examination were serious. We were invited to go to the infectious department. I had to try to be calm, replace fears, as taught in the army, try to structure the algorithm of the next actions. It was necessary to maintain a sense of security around Svyatoslav, because the doctors have already scared him.

Hastily collected the necessary for the hospital. He wrapped his son in a blanket to protect him from hemorrhages due to possible compression and pumpkins during the trip. Svyatoslav was afraid, I reassured him - said that all the time I would be with him and would not give it to anyone. But behind the external army endurance, I felt how the knee began to shake treacherously - either from physical tension, or from fear of the unknown, because you are most afraid for the child. He drove all sorts of terrible thoughts about his death, which was sometimes painted by my violent fantasy.

Svyatoslav with dad and younger sister Photo: From the Personal Archive

We were already waiting in the hospital. They examined, took blood for tests, called a hematologist. While waiting for the results of the tests, the doctors tried to conduct a relaxed conversation and even joke.

They brought a printout of the tests. The ringing silence hung. I felt dry my mouth, pulsation in the temples. It was like fear of exams.

- Well, how is it to say? The hematologist asked.

- Yes. It's easier for me.

- The picture is clear. 99% leukemia. Which one - I can’t say.

The blood of glory by 80 % consisted of tumor cells, there were practically no platelets, the question was only in the type of leukemia. The doctor said that he would look for a bed for us in the oncological department, but for now his task is to prevent Svyatoslav from dying. It was impossible to take at once, with such platelets, fatal hemorrhages are possible, it was necessary to make a transfusion of blood components.

You will ripen later

We were transferred to the ward, put a dropper with a solution of glucose.

I could not remember anything about leukemia. I only knew that it could be fatal. He began to think about this to inform his wife. I was scared for her psyche - will she withstand such news? After all, she is still to care for the chest daughter. I felt like a movie character, it seemed that everything that was happening was not about us. I did everything without emotion, like a robot. I did not perceive background sounds, but every rustle and sigh of Svyatoslav - heard. After some time, I felt dry mouth and hungry nausea, looked at the watch and realized that it was already evening, and I practically did not eat or drank all day.

I called my wife. She had a shock, confusion. He did not ask her to bring anything - in this state she simply could not get behind the wheel.

He called the relatives - in response, sobs ... and nothing constructive. These emotions and sobs - “O Lord, for which it is for him” - I was not at all needed at that time. He called the boss - he had another tone: he immediately said that I would solve all my affairs as much as I needed and did not worry about anything.

At that time, our family was unimportant. Thoughts began to torment what to do, because they would need money. When I thought about whom you can turn to, I felt shame - it seems like to begging. From the whole list of friends and acquaintances I chose a good friend, a former head of the service. Briefly talked about what had happened. He immediately transferred quite a lot of money from his pension account. It was very embarrassed for me, but he at the same time hard and kindly ordered to shut up and think only about the child. Psychologically, this installation later helped me a lot.

Dad can!

Fear came later when he finished all the calls and remained with the child alone in the ward. A wave of awareness rolled that my child is dying. I broke through - tears poured, a lump stood up in my throat, I could not breathe. I also rolled out that I myself will suffocate now or die from a heart attack. I began to pray through tears, and it helped. I don’t remember how much it continued. Then the emotions ended, the terrible, sticky fatigue attacked. Looking at the dropper, I just turned off.

At three in the morning, platelets were brought for transfusion. In Svyatoslav, all the bruises began to itch, as if ants crawled under the skin. Two hours with wet diapers I stroked his legs, it helped a little.

Glory in the hospital photo: from personal archive

A wife with things arrived on Saturday. She was allowed to go to the ward for a short time. She thought that Svyatoslav would cry and ask home. But he did not cry. He said that he agreed to lie in the hospital only with dad. I was struck by his changed look - he became an adult and expressed an understanding of the seriousness of the situation. Glory did not cry at all, even when he pierced the veins or took blood from a finger. He just frowned and asked him to hold tightly: it was not scary with dad.

On Sunday, the priest Victor, who knows our family, came to visit us in the hospital. In the clinic, all doctors and nurses know him. He communed Svyatoslav, talked about the diagnosis. He said that among his parishioners there are those who won this ailment and that they are already praying for us in several temples and monasteries, and even in one of the monasteries on Athos. It helped a lot psychologically.

On Monday morning, we were transferred to another hospital, to the oncology department. I went to the hospital with Svyatoslav, because he, as he said, is not scary with dad. Based on the results of the analysis of bone marrow, acute lymphoblastic leukemia was finally diagnosed. Tumor cells in the blood were already 91 %.

"Call if that." "Hold on." Memory from memory

I lay with my son for 18 days. Then the wife lay down. During this time, she excommunicated the youngest daughter from her chest and entered a minimally stable psychological state. And Svyatoslav and I in the first days in the hospital overcame infectious problems, then we reached serious chemotherapy and felt the whole severity of the “side effects”.

We lay in a triple ward: three children and three parents. Parents slept on the coslogs or in folding seats. In tight, but not offense - even the humor was a place. In the department, in order to be distracted from the tired thoughts, I cleaned the plafones, ionizers, changed the lamps in them. Filmed and washed the blinds. The son, looking at this, even humoril, sang a song: "Dad can, dad can do anything."

It was really difficult in one of the first nights when a small child with his mother was brought on an ambulance. Then the child was sent to intensive care, and in the middle of the night, according to the crazy cries of the mother, everyone realized that he was no longer. She screamed and sobbed so wildly, the entire department woke up, the awakened kids began to cry in the wards. It was like a lesson for all of us - for our whine and a murmur to fate; It was as if we were shown how it happens - and thank God that we are not like that. This event acted very much on everyone; The next day, everyone was some kind.

Throughout our way, I was very annoyed when my friends began to make it possible to extend to the problems of cancer treatment in Russia on the phone: “We have a bad thing everywhere, but in Israel one boy ...” I wanted to write down instead of a beep on his phone: “Hello, this is Vladimir, I already know everything about the advantages of treatment in Israel or Germany, I agree in advance, give me the right amount, and we will go right away.” It answered some, and they no longer called. It was terribly enraged by the encouraging phrases: “You hold on” (for whom or for what, and how will it help?), “Call, if that” (how could you notice, “if that” has already come, yeah), “do not surrender” (or what?).

Svyatoslav plays in the hospital photo: From a personal archive

During these terrible days, the list of contacts of my phone has a little modified-the circle of real friends who are ready to do something real: to sit with the baby, help around the house or go to the store, provide financial assistance or get imported medicines, bring the necessary to the hospital.

Svyatoslav does not remember the most acute stage of the disease - the first two weeks, when he was bad and painful all the time. The children's psyche erased a lot. But he remembers how I told fairy tales and different stories, how we painted, glued flowers and applique paintings, watched cartoons, rode at the dropper rack, as we brought tasty food from the house. He remembers how doctors and nurses gave him toys for unpleasant procedures. He remembers the charitable performances of musicians and actors in the corridor of the department, performances and concerts. And how the clowns went into the ward - and mixed everyone.

After leaving the clinic, I had to resolve the question of how to combine the work and education of the baby. But we coped - along with the eldest daughter and with the help of good friends who sat with my daughter while I was at work, and the eldest daughter at school. But this is a topic for a separate story.

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