Who are anonymous sex -Gols

Lust takes the life of a sexual man under control. Thoughts about sex occupy more and more space, become excessive, interfere with living. Sexual dependence can manifest itself in the form of compulsive masturbation, in the constant search for new sexual partners, in the purchase and sale of sex. There is only one denominator - lust becomes a priority. Kristina Vazovsky visited London groups of anonymous sex -Gols and told for samizdat how people are fighting this type of addiction.

Disclaimer

I stumbled upon the site of sex drives by chance, making a riser for one project.

Many topics that were discussed on the site were close to me. But I do not think that sexual dependence is my problem. I did not go through the “12 steps” program, which is followed by sex drives, and I can’t tell from my own experience whether it works or not. Nevertheless, in groups I met many people who were able to achieve long -term “sobriety”, using its methods. In fact, this is a list of twelve “checks”, the path through which helps to achieve long -term “sobriety”.

One of the principles of the community is the refusal to communicate with the press. I do not want to harm the organization or the people I met, and I am interpreting this recommendation as a step in protecting the anonymity of the participants, so all the names and places of action have been changed. I violate one of the principles of the organization, but I think: people who feel that sexual dependence is their problem will be useful to find out that there is an opportunity to get help.

I live in London, so I went to meetings there. In Russia there are representative offices of two communities, and since all groups share a similar methodology and traditions, there should not be fundamental differences in format.

"S" means sex

Keywords for determining dependencies of any kind - “obsession” and “non -controlled”. Scientists of the University of Australia, Dikin, argue : any number of sexual contacts, including their complete absence, is not a reason to turn to specialists until the level of sexual activity worsens the quality of life. Is hypersexuality can be considered a scientific point of view is a controversial question, but for those who consider themselves a sex -faced, the answer is unequivocal - yes.

Nymphomania and satyriasis are included in the International Classifier of Diseases, but they are not in the diagnostic and statistical manual for mental disorders (DSM-5).

For such people, there are groups of mutual assistance, they are also called “S” groups. In their work, they use the “12 steps” method, which was developed to treat alcohol dependence, but each group has its own focus: some pay more attention to “lusts”, others speak of feelings and the non -violent side of dependence. The definition of “sobriety” also differs: somewhere a complete rejection of sex-it doesn’t matter with himself or with a partner, somewhere everyone sets Bottom Line, that is, the border of the permitted. For example, you can masturbate, but you can’t watch porn or you can have sex, but only with a permanent partner.

From the side of the “s” groups resemble the sect: “steps”, prayers, the recommendation not to tell family members-all this is alarming. The habitat: Baptist, methodologist, gospel churches - confuse even more. At the same time, the communities declare: "We are not related to sects or religious teachings." In fact, there is no catch: mutual assistance groups are non -public, sometimes strange, but environmentally friendly associations. The experience in the community will not necessarily be sharply positive, but nothing will happen to mental health and savings.

The advice that a beginner gives in any “s” group is to go for at least six meetings, preferably to different communities to find a suitable format and environment. In London, there are meetings of the three FellowShip, in my free translation: anonymous sexualists, anonymous dependent on sex, anonymous dependent on sex and love - I visited meetings in all three.

It’s easy to get to the meeting: as a rule, the addresses are published on the sites of communities, there is no preliminary record. In anonymous sex drives, the most closed of three organizations, they ask to send an application by e -mail and disclose the location only after the telephone “interview”. They answer quickly. The very next day, Sarah contacted me - as I later found out, one of the few women in the AC. The girl offered two options: wait for her from three -week leave or “call and chat” with William, a moderator of another group. I was afraid that my determination would fade away to her return, and chose the second option.

William called seven in the evening on Saturday. He had a pleasant low voice and emasculated, British pronunciation. I immediately admitted that I never went to such meetings and I know nothing about the community. I was worried that the man would question about my problems and reasons that prompted to turn to the group, but this did not happen. He was as tactful as possible and in a nutshell told how the meetings were taking place. According to William, the main difference between anonymous sex drives and other “s” groups is a rigid definition of “sobriety”. You can have sex with a spouse or spouse, but other “contacts”, including masturbation, are prohibited. The meeting lasts an hour during which participants read specialized literature and share experience. William assured that they are not fricks and not criminals - ordinary guys working to solve their problems. The man warned that I would be the only woman at the meeting, and offered to wait for Sarah to return if I do not feel comfortable in this setting.

First meeting

The prospect of being the only woman surrounded by a dozen sexualists did not really excite me. Despite this, early in the morning on Sunday I entered an inconspicuous door with the “Rent of the Squares” sign. On the top floor, a group of anonymous sex drives rents a premises for weekly meetings. The room is bright and spacious, chairs are placed in a circle, A4 sheets with motivating inscriptions are placed on the floor. Twelve completely ordinary men - from twenty to sixty, in jeans and costumes - drink tea and talk. William catches me at the entrance, represents those present by names and offers tea.

At exactly nine, everyone sits in a circle. The meeting began.

The movie picture was confirmed, the meeting opens with a recognizable greeting:
- My name is William, and I am a sexogen.
- Hi, William.

William reads the main provisions. My neighbor on the right, Sam, a nice, well -dressed man about forty, gives me a “white book”, an analogue of the “Big Book” - the main leadership of anonymous alcoholics, and tells the desired page.

“Anonymous sex groups are a community of men and women who share experience, strength and hope to solve the overall problem. There are no membership fees in the AC; We support ourselves through voluntary donations. Anonymous sex -Gols are not related to sects, creeds or political movements. Our main goal is to overcome our dependence . ”

After the introductory part, the men are presented, they call the term “sobriety” and in a few words indicate their problems. TOP-5: compulsive masturbation, dependence on pornography, buying sex, obsessive fantasies, objectification of women. In addition to me, there is another newcomer, a guy of about twenty -five at the meeting, so the group devotes more time to basic texts: in a circle we read “steps” and “traditions”, then the chapter from the “White Book”. The theoretical part ends with a minute of silence and prayer.

The prospect of being the only woman surrounded by a dozen sexualists did not really excite me

At the meeting, a clear script - the coherence of incarnation, is reminiscent of a theatrical production. William is responsible for reproducing the structure. He modrates the meeting and introduces newcomers to the course of business. In addition to the secretary, at each meeting there is a person who monitors timing, and the treasurer responsible for collecting donations: he passes the jar, calculates coins, puts it in an envelope. These "positions" are formal - the anonymous community does not have a hierarchy and leadership, it is impossible to get an increase. “12 steps” is not a career staircase. The amount that needs to be collected in a month is announced openly, we are talking about seventy -nine pounds or one hundred and a hundred and fifty rubles per person per week. Money goes to pay for rent, excess-on tea-coffee and printing of literature. The community does not set the goal of earnings, does not collect donations on charitable platforms and boxes next to the cash desks in supermarkets. If it is not possible to make a donation, they will not look askance. At the meetings, no one condemns, does not discuss, does not get into a polemic. The task is to create a safe space. Without this, frankness is impossible, and therefore rehabilitation, is considered in the AC.

In the second half of the meeting, participants share stories. This is an optional point, but most say - about pressing problems, causes of the disease, changing life. Men talk about pain caused by loved ones, suicidal thoughts and depression, the influence of other dependencies on sexual sobriety. Sometimes pauses arise between monologues - minutes of thoughtful silence. Often, stories do not have a clear plot, rather resemble a stream of consciousness. Listening is hard and sometimes scary.

A very handsome man is about thirty, of those who stare at the subway, says: “For me, the most difficult step of the program is the first. I cannot accept my impotence, lack of control. -He sits on the other end of the room, says quietly, I can’t make out half of the offers, but suddenly I catch: “Everything was relatively good for two or three weeks, I stopped going to meetings-I don’t know why, but a couple of days ago I stood on the edge of the platform, you know, at the right part where the train came from, and seriously, I seriously thought to do it.”

An elderly man talks about sexual violence experienced in childhood. The rest are infected with frankness - five out of twelve were subjected to Abuez of varying degrees of tragedy. In the throat of com. Two weeks later, I will hear a similar story, but from the “other side”. In the community, anonymous dependent on sex, one surrounded by thirty unfamiliar men, I will listen to the monologue of the convicted person for storage of children's pornography. The meeting takes place in the church, during his speech the service will begin, the choir will flood - and repentance will go into the category of transcendental. Despite the lack of gender diversity, there is no fear, only the acceptance and sense of belonging. Despite the extreme present or the past, ordinary men are sitting nearby.

Closer to the end of the first meeting, I decide to say a few words. I promise to myself that I will speak frankly, but even general phrases are difficult. It seems that my problems are not significant enough and have little to do with “lust” - the term at which other participants concentrate. I would like to come up with, exaggerate. It turned out that it was much easier to tell some extreme that has no relation to me than something trifling, but personal.

Without five minutes ten, stories are exhausted. The treasurer lets a jar for donations - for twelve people you need to collect twenty pounds. William asks to give a sign of those who are ready to become a sponsor. Four men raise their hands, including William himself and my neighbor Sam. The meeting ends with a minute of silence and prayer. We get into a circle and take our hands. Someone closed his eyes, someone catches the eyes of others. I am silent: I don't know the text.

The meeting is over, but no one diverges. Sam comes up and asks about my feelings after the meeting. A man visits groups of anonymous sex -groups for ten years - six of them he is “sober”. In London, Sam is traveling, but in his “home” group, beginners often helps. He takes patronage over me and carefully explains the non -obvious moments.

It turned out that sponsors do not support the organization financially, but help less experienced participants emotionally. The sponsor is a consultant, a mentor and a friend on the way to sobriety. According to Sam, this is a partnership built on "trust and complete frankness." The sponsor should be “sober” for at least a year, pass “12 steps” and be one floor with a ward.

From discussion of sponsorship, we move on to religion. Sam asks about my beliefs - whether part of the prayer was embarrassed. I am an agnostic, but what was happening did not cause internal protest - they did not impose anything on me. In the anonymous sex -Gols of God, they understand to whom it is convenient, if we generalize - as a kind of higher power, without a denomination. Some of the meetings are held at churches, because such premises have a minimum rent. In addition, among the participants of groups a large percentage of believers, and for them the temple is a comfortable place. Despite the setting, the concept of the organization is not religious-centric.

After each meeting, the guys from the group chat in the coffee shop nearby, William suggested joining. We are sitting for about an hour: we discuss the weather (the news of the week - two centimeters of snow fell in London, and public transport paralyzed), we are talking about cinema - they advise you to watch the “shame” of Maccuin, men share excuses - “How to explain to friends where I disappear every Sunday.” A pleasant, social, very English conversation. Men do everything so that I feel comfortable: they smile a lot, talk about themselves, do not ask too personal questions. I leave the cafe enthusiastic. It sounds strange, but I have not spent time in such a pleasant company for a long time. My new acquaintances - frank, subtle, living - anyone, but not Fricky.

Anonymous dependent on sex and love

From the phrase “there are more women and emotions” it blows with stereotypes of a misogynic sense, but very accurately describes what is happening in anonymous dependent on sex and love. Firstly, emotions are normal, and secondly, there is a lot of women in the group and there is little conversation about sex-more about co-dependent relationships or the inability to build at least some, but about anorexia-not a disorder of food behavior, but an obsessive state. At the first meeting, I did not catch this and thought for an hour whether an anorexia in a woman weighing 70–75 kilograms could have.

If my experience in anonymous sexualists can be described as a comfortable acquaintance with the format and the rejection of demonization, then a meeting of dependent on love is a story about acceptance of oneself.

Central London. Evening. Methodist church. I go down to the basement and see a long corridor with a dozen doors without signs. It is absolutely unclear which one I need. This time, the surrounding reality is much more echoing with my ideas about the collections of anonymous sex -groups.

The room turned out to be small, too sharpened and strangely smelling: cabbage, sour milk, unwashed body. I realized the source of the smell a little later - behind the wall there is a diet and the place of rest of the homeless. Structurally what was happening did not differ much from the meeting of anonymous sex-Gols-greeting, reading, prayer, history, but the human texture was brighter: a hipstersh, a girl with a brand bag, a man in an expensive suit, an orange face from a car zagar, a city crazy in a earproof hat.

The group has no permanent moderator, one of the participants volunteered to help. To share history, you need to sign up in a large linked notebook: in the left column - “sober” for at least two weeks, they speak the first, in the right - the rest. This combination gave the coating of nervous inorganization and at the same time excessive formality.

A woman with an orange face sprouted immediately after prayer and woke up only after half an hour, when a man in a Ushaka took a word. He is cockroach, stomping his foot to the beat, repeats, seven minutes exceeds the time limit - it is impossible to stop him or catch the meaning of the monologue. After - less surreal knitting: about the fear of loneliness of an adult dressed in Saint Lauren a woman, the romantic obsession of Hipstershi, unhealthy emotional attachments of a tired Scottish woman, the compulsions of a thirty -year -old Frenchwoman. The young man takes the word last: "My life was uncontrollable, I have reached the bottom." He speaks smoothly, his voice does not tremble, but during the monologue he never looks away from the patterned carpet: “Immediately after the act, I ran to the shower to wash off this dirt, I did not want to see the women with whom I had sex five minutes ago. I felt disgust, and also guilty. But a week later, a couple of days I again brought home someone else. It is like itching that cannot be calm down. ” After a pause, the man continues: “I said that an honest person,” I lied. But now I’ve been here and has been sober for 69 days. ”

To speak is to stop endowing secrets with a sacred meaning, getting rid of shame

I do not want to associate myself with these stories, with these people. I feel acute narcissistic shame, a similar range of sensations is caused by Russian tourists in Thai resorts. Then he breaks through me. Starting with the words “I will be brief”, I spoke for five minutes and could easily continue for another five. I reminded myself to a man in a hat, from whom I was perplexed ten minutes ago: I had something to say, moreover, I felt a wild need for this. Accepting this need was more difficult than getting rid of evaluative judgments in relation to others. Говорить — значит перестать наделять секреты сакральным значением, избавиться от стыда.

В комментариях к статье о сексоголиках я наткнулась на сравнение анонимных сообществ с кружками по интересам: «людям нечего делать, вот и собираются». На самом деле, из-за специфики группы, среди её членов редко выстраиваются дружеские отношения в привычном понимании: ни коктейлей по пятницам, ни приглашений на дни рождения. Зато «подходящее» окружение даёт ответ на, наверное, самый насущный вопрос: «Я такой один?»

The last meeting

В понедельник мне пришло письмо от Сары, девушки из АС, с которой мы в самом начале моего исследования общались по почте. Она вернулась и приглашала на собрание. Оно проходило на окраине Лондона — полтора часа на метро и пятнадцать минут по неосвещённой дороге через гаражи. Я создала опрос в инстаграме: «Меня ограбят?» — большинство ответило положительно.

Гугл-карты привели к общественному центру. Внутри — двадцать мужчин и одна женщина, Сара. Бо́льшая часть присутствующих — ортодоксальные евреи: в кипах, сюртуках, с густыми закрученными пейсами. Упоминаний Бога было даже меньше обычного, а проблемы всё те же: компульсивная мастурбация, порнография, проституция, неуместные фантазии. Если отключить картинку, невозможно понять, где история ортодоксального еврея из Анонимных Сексоголиков, а где домохозяйки — из Зависимых от Секса и Любви. Сюжеты универсальны.

После встречи Сара предложила подбросить меня до метро. По дороге мы заехали в кошерную булочную: я взяла халу, а Сара большую упаковку мацы: девушка собиралась испечь mille-feuille, французско-еврейский аналог торта наполеона.

Закупившись, мы ещё с полчаса болтали в машине. Сара рассказывала байки о «христианке, почти монахине», которая недолго ходила к ним в группу: её мучали «грязные мысли», но слишком смущали истории других участников. Христианку можно понять. Мужчина за пятьдесят делится: «Я мастурбирую по три-четыре часа в день. Ещё порно. Без этого не могу сосредоточиться. Я в процессе развода, на работе тоже проблемы: из-за моих „привычек“ я регулярно опаздываю, но остановиться не могу. Всё плохо, я нервничаю — из-за этого тяга ещё сильнее. Ощущение полной безысходности».

Я сказала, что откровенность меня не смущает, и Сара добавила меня в закрытую WhatsApp-группу. В чате больше пятидесяти женщин, в день появляется двадцать-тридцать новых сообщений: девушки спрашивают совета, делятся успехами, просят о помощи: «Как вести себя в группе в растлителем?», «Случайно переслала сообщение спонсора брату, что делать?», «Я боюсь не сдержаться, кто-нибудь может поговорить со мной?»

Мы договорились увидеться через две недели, следующая встреча отменялась — Пурим. Я спустилась в метро и распаковала халу, посыпая крошками колени. В чате сексоголиков уже накопились сообщения: приветы из Испании, Америки, Египта, Ирана.

Epilogue

Анонимные сообщества — очень разные. Достигнуть результатов в неподходящей группе сложно — быстрее сольёшься. «Неподходящая группа» — это не о том, что где-то религиозные фанатики, где-то мошенники, а где-то ок, но про общую атмосферу — больше хипстеров, или женщин, или людей старшего возраста, в церкви или в общественном центре, с утра в выходные или вечером в будни. Даже в самой «не твоей» группе стереотипы об анонимных сексоголиках разбиваются вдребезги в течение первых пятнадцати минут. Нет, это не секта, не околорелигиозный кружок, созданный для контроля чужой сексуальности, не клуб свингеров, и все проблемы не решатся с появлением партнёра с повышенным либидо.

За время, проведённое в сообществе, я поняла, что «секс» для большинства сексоголиков — это не взаимное наслаждение, общение с партнёром или разрядка, но акт, который принимает нездоровые формы и питает чувство вины.

Сеансы с психотерапевтом сложно назвать «развлечением», это применимо и к группам взаимопомощи. Они приносят облегчение, улучшают качество жизни, но ходить туда — серьёзная эмоциональная работа. На встречах сложно проводить границу «свой» — «чужой». Это помогает избавляться от «ярлыков»: не сексоголик, дальнобойщик и еврейка, но Уильям, Сэм и Сара.