Become a stranger: how my grandmother found Alzheimer

According to the World Health Organization, Alzheimer's disease rose to seventh place in ten leading causes of death around the world. Today on Earth there are almost 50 million patients with Alzheimer and Dementia, and less than fifteen years later will be 75 million. Scientists still do not know how to treat and prevent a disease that takes a person from himself, who first deprives him of memory, and in the end and simple skills like the ability to independently cheat food and walk. They know only negative factors that can lead to the disease. Many have been written about what awaits a person who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, but in media it is rarely possible to hear those who have to accompany him along this road to the very end, relatives and friends - guardians. The reader of Samizdat has been taking care of her grandmother for more than a year, who, in her eyes from a cheerful and cheerful woman, turned into a stranger who was not able to get out of bed on his own. Her story about how to not go crazy and where to look for strength, when everything you can do is only to observe.

Prologue

For twenty years of my life, I have been convinced of something. Firstly, each family carries history and personal tragedy. Happy families are not those who were brought to bypass the drama, but those who were able to overcome it and maintain integrity. Secondly, almost everyone does not care about what is happening under your roof.

So.

Thirty -one years ago, my mother became the wife of a good, according to her, man. His name was Sergey.

After the wedding, they decided to settle in his mother - Antonina Andreevna. She was then given a new two -room apartment as an employee of the aggloproary, and she was not against such a shade.

After a couple of years, Sergey began to complain about back pain and a deterioration in well -being. He turned to the doctor for help, he was incorrectly diagnosed. And this only exacerbated the situation.

He died of cancer at the age of twenty -three years. And shortly before his death, he said the phrase that we still recall: it was a request to take care of his mother. Then this desire seemed a little strange, because, in addition to the daughter -in -law, Antonina Andreevna still had native sisters, nephews and other relatives. However, Sergey insisted on his own certain confidence, and his mother agreed.

Time passed, my mother got married again, I was born. Our family remained to live with Antonina Andreevna.

Grandmother - and although her son was not my father, I still considered Antonina Andreevna grandmother - was from simple, but I was not simple. She possessed some particular attractiveness, and if the Oscar was given out for coquetry, she would have received it.

Her personal life often became the subject of discussion. She was married three times, but all marriages were unhappy. The first husband hanged herself with jealousy, from the second she fled, and with the third fate divorced them.

She had only one child - Sergey who died from cancer.

We, children (Antonina Andreevna has a native granddaughter), it was easy with my grandmother, she could speak on any topic. She was religious, went to church, taught us to prayers and rebuilt the Bible.

Once, BA and I together went to her cottage. There, she shared gardening secrets with me, taught to collect berries and go for water. It was so interesting and easy that I did not want to return home at all. And it seems that there was nothing special in our trip, but it was clearly imprinted in my memory. The grandmother was free and always did what she liked and wanted. And she shared this freedom with me.

Is it right to talk about a person in the past tense if he is still alive? If, for example, we are not talking about life, but only about existence, parasitism . Or is it cynical? Although it doesn’t matter.

Now my grandmother is seventy -two years old, and she is at the last stage of Alzheimer's disease. In general, she suffers from the disease for more than ten years, the worst of which my mother and I spent with her.

Chapter One

No one knows for sure when exactly the insidious syndrome of Alzheimer let his tentacles into the consciousness of his grandmother. The first symptoms of Antonina Andreevna were subtle and did not arouse suspicion. Easy forgetfulness and absent -mindedness were attributed to fatigue.

Nevertheless, at first glance, the details increasingly began to hint at the presence of a problem. At some point, the grandmother sharply changed the lifestyle. She began to read more, hit the religion with her head. Eighty percent of her life began to make up God and the Church, the Bible and prayers. Her life turned into something primitive and monotonous. Very paradoxical - after all, the constant movement was the meaning of its being. And the presence of healthy appetite is a consequence of a mobile lifestyle. But suddenly the diet was simplified. The weekly menu turned into some kind of dry ration: a loaf, a stick of smoked sausage, milk and tons of apples.

Apples are especially captured in my memory. Grandmother ate them at least a kilogram per day. Therefore, the article, which I then stumbled upon, excited me extremely. The following was said there: “The daily use of one or two apples helps to increase the level of neurotransmitter acetylcholine, as well as a decrease in the level of beta amyloids, which, in turn, leads to the prevention of Alzheimer's disease.”

A strange coincidence ... Perhaps it will sound absurd, but it seems to me that Antonina Andreevna guessed her disease. She could not help but notice the changes in herself. And she did not ask support due to fear of pronouncing her speculation out loud. I decided to quiet and act alone. However, this was the case when the most true step was the rejection of principles and a request for help.

As it turned out, in the family of Antonina Andreevna - hereditary dementia. It turned out that her father was also a victim of Alzheimer's disease, but at that time, due to illiteracy, everyone mistakenly believed that he was just crazy.

Previously, grandmother often talked about the torment of a sick father and how hard it was her family at that time. She knew all the terrible aspects of such a life as no one else. Therefore, in fairness it is worth saying that the fear of the disease was justified. There is nothing worse than the realization that you no longer belong to yourself. From this thought he throws into trembling.

***

The disease quickly progressed, and the symptoms were rapidly expanding.

Grandmother began to get confused in their native area, among well -known streets and houses. She began to speak and forget what she did a few minutes ago or, conversely, only planned.

Once, having returned home from a walk home, Antonina Andreevna brought with her a handful of torn grass, consisting of clover, some dandelions and all that grew right at the house, and then ate it, dangling something about the usefulness of plants. I believed this nonsense, because I was a naive child. But there is a limit to everything.

One moment nevertheless made me doubt the adequacy of this woman. Once I threw the remnants of the celled scrambled eggs into the garbage bucket, and then I saw how my grandmother, digging in garbage, was eating them. All. It was a clear bell.

The mess in her head became noticeable to everyone, but no one assumed that the problem would be so serious and sad. To make sure, it was necessary to consult a doctor. But grandmother did not like clinics and hospitals. My mother had to almost force her to drag her there.

The diagnosis brought down a huge number of questions on us. We did not know what to wait, and the unknown scared. It was especially scary to the grandmother. She did not want to be a burden and felt guilty, it was read in her eyes. All loved ones tried to encourage and reassure their grandmother. And she pretended to believe us.

Antonina Andreevna did not want to think about the misfortune that suddenly fell on her head. I tried to get distracted, began to secretly drink. Like a cat, who chews the approach of the end, decided to move away from relatives and friends. She rejected the advice and requests to return home. This woman was the most wayward person of all that I have ever met. And also - the kindest. It was difficult to watch life broke her. Life that my grandmother loved so much, for some reason, all the time did not reciprocate.

In the end, wandering in conjunction with addiction to alcohol did not lead to anything good. We had to insist on her returning home.

The memory was rapidly worsening, imagination, anxiety and aggression appeared. I saw changes in my grandmother best, since more often than others left her alone. I had to go to the store a couple of times in search of things forgotten by my grandmother and money. She could buy a loaf of bread for a thousand rubles: she did not take the change, and the cashiers used it meanly.

The received pension Antonina Andreevna was hidden each time in a sofa, closet, clothes. She turned and lumped the money like Origami. And then she herself could not find them, accusing the family of theft. I had to look for these stoons to calm my grandmother. As an apology, she shared the found treasure. I took the money and thanked her, and then secretly laid it back. It was important to play along, contrary to the fact that I did not like the rules of the game at all.

Despite the fact that I was a smart child, I did not fully understand that the disease took possession of the family and he was no longer the master. I often took her insults to heart. I lacked wisdom to perceive what was happening adequately. Although where did she get from a girl of twelve years?

Antonina Andreevna no longer went to the store, did not cook food, did not wash her things, my mother did all this for her. To slow down degradation, the doctor prescribed injections. The clinic, fortunately, was opposite our house, and for some time my grandmother visited it on its own. Then there were attacks again, because of which she stopped going there. I had to accompany it. Each visit to the clinic turned into a whole concert. The nurse made an injection, but Antonina Andreevna almost immediately forgot about it and demanded to make it again. She was explained several times that the work was done and she needs to go home. But the grandmother did not believe and accused everyone of the fact that her injections were stolen.

Apathy was replaced by aggression and vice versa. In a dream, Ba often cried or swore obscenities, talked with someone and sometimes screamed, sobbed and even called to the rescue. It scared me and oppressed me, because I could not help. A realization of his powerlessness in this situation was bitter.

Grandmother lost skills one by one. The experiences and sincere lack of understanding of what was happening were reflected in fright in her eyes. At such moments, she seemed to me a defenseless child who needs to be reassured and assured that everything, one way or another, would be good. And she, like a naive child, believed in my words and a convincing tone. From this it became easier for both of us.

Mom tried not to give Antonina Andreevna to be forgotten: she refreshed all significant points in her memory, showed photos. Grandma picked up this game, answered questions, remembered people in photographs and moments related to them. And at times it seemed to us that everything was not so bad.

Chapter two

It is extremely difficult to anticipate the behavior and reaction of a person with dementia. You do not know what to expect, so you can’t do anything. And sometimes in an attempt to do better, it turns out exactly the opposite.

Reality was distorted in the minds of grandmother. She confused the day with the night. Turning into a sheet, Antonina Andreevna walked around the apartment at night, muttering something under her breath. Once I almost died with fear when I woke up in midnight darkness and saw a silhouette of my grandmother in front of me. She talked with the mirror, repeatedly tried to drink or feed her reflection, laughed and chatted with herself, but most often she called her interlocutor somewhere, but she naturally did not follow her. It wildly annoyed her grandmother, she was offended and went to her room.

But sometimes the attacks were softened, which allowed us, in turn, to relax a bit. However, in vain. Antonina Andreevna took a famously twice twice.

The desire to run away from everywhere turned into an obsessive idea. Perhaps this happened from the fact that the former lifestyle periodically popped up in memory. If for the first time we were lucky to find a deserter during the day, then the second time it took several days. We connected to the search for everyone we could reach. Despair was already prevailing, but my mother’s phone rang. They found her grandmother, and by some miracle she remembered the number of the daughter-in-law. Mom went after her to the other end of the city, brought home hungry and cold, barefoot and dirty. Since then, we have not made such mistakes anymore.

I know that the story of unauthorized leaving the house can cause indignation with the reader, but I will try to explain: we could not pickered Antonin Andreevna to the bed, violating her rights as a person. It also could not be locked in the house forcibly, although there were attempts, but they caused stormy attacks of aggression. Grandmother with all her might pounded his fists on the windows and screamed with a good obscenity, attracting the attention of neighbors and passers -by. Naturally, good people immediately called the police. And each time my family members had to explain with law enforcement officers.

***

Grandmother's brain gradually dry out, and with it the body. Each time it became smaller, and appetite - more and more. Due to the night awakenings of Antonina Andreevna, we closed the door to her room for safety, but she unlocked her. She went to the kitchen and grabbed everything that could only see on her path: sweets, buns, fruits. Once she tried to eat a dummy of an apple.

The next stage of degradation was the most difficult moral test for me and my mother. When the disease pushed her grandmother with the problem of incontinence, she began to celebrate the need everywhere and hide excrement on different corners of the room, they stained the floor and mirrors, bedside tables, clothes.

General cleaning every three days, a shaken psyche and moral exhaustion ultimately brought us to a boiling point. The system failed.

We turned to the local neuropsychiatric hospital for help. Several times my grandmother was taken for treatment, so that my mother and I could take a temporary break and relax. It’s like after a long air delay in the lungs you can exhale again.

Since Alzheimer's disease is invalid, everything that can be done is to slow down its progress. The hospital helped in this, but nothing more. When my mother brought her grandmother from there for the first time, we noticed a couple of bruises on her body, but after the second return of Ba from the hospital, I did not believe my eyes. She had abrasions and bloody blood. In response to our questions, the hospital staff answered the same time each time: the grandmother herself fell. Unfortunately, it was impossible to prove anything, so we simply decided not to take Antonina Andreevna to the hospital anymore.

Chapter Three

Antonina Andreevna became calmer. The struggle inside it subsided. The personality has finally surrendered. She forgot how to open the doors and hardly held something in her hands, could no longer walk on her own and spent all the time on the couch. Ba stopped recognizing me and my mother.

Recently, I had a dream in which Ba had a remission. In it we were together. They talked a lot and laughed, as in the old days. Both were so much and sincerely happy that this whole nightmare is now behind. Grandma's gaze was filled with life, the same smile that I knew shone on her face. After the phrase: “We all missed. With a return! " - I hugged her, and then woke up.

Without moving away from sleep, I went to the room of Antonina Andreevna to make sure that there are no miracles. This time I really wanted to make a mistake. But, sitting opposite my grandmother, I again felt on myself her indifferent and empty look aimed at my face, but, it seemed, passing through it, somewhere in the distance. It was hard.

Alzheimer's disease itself does not kill. Most often, the cause of death is pneumonia, septic, necrotic processes due to the appearance of pressure sores, joining the disease of alzheimer diseases of a different etiology, depending on the individual characteristics of a person.

Doctors say that grandmother was lucky. All test results show the presence of almost perfect physical health. A rare occurrence for people of her age. The brain of Antonina Andreevna gradually dies, but the heart is not going to give up - the irony of life.

Nobody knows when an end comes, but something tells me: on this difficult path, my mother and I have more than once to draw grief. In general, women with such a disease live longer than men. And the sooner the disease is established, the more likely it will live longer. There is a version that from the moment a person has ceased to move independently, with Alzheimer's illness, life expectancy is approximately six months. Grandma exceeded this threshold about half. She can still chew on food on her own and respond to some phenomena. And also responds to the name "Tonya". In the end, the name is the only thing that remains with a person until his death.

Epilogue

I don't like it when the neighbors ask about my grandmother. I do not see in their eyes sincere interest - only a desire to satisfy my curiosity. Therefore, I rarely answer questions. Although sometimes I want to truly share with someone, this is the only thing that I can alleviate my fate. That's why I decided to write about it here.

В этой нелёгкой борьбе с болезнью окружению важно обзавестись дьявольским терпением и научиться противостоять депрессии. Несмотря на то, что сложившаяся ситуация явно пошатнула нашу с мамой здоровую психику, мы не теряем оптимизма и иногда смеёмся над тем, над чем вряд ли посмеялся бы другой человек в таком положении. Но смех спасает нас и даёт силы двигаться дальше.

Больше всего мне жаль маму. Почти каждый её выходной начинается со стирки белья и купания бабушки. У мамы нет личной жизни, потому что она боится, что её никто не примет с таким грузом на плечах. Дикая усталость и переживания привели к проблемам с сердцем. Переутомление и постоянные физические нагрузки стали причиной появления грыжи и болей в спине. Но пугает даже не это. В связи с пережитым у мамы появились проблемы с головой. Память стала хуже, появилась путаница. Она боится, что её постигнет та же участь — и мне придётся столкнуться с этим вновь. Поэтому мама часто даёт мне наставления и советует не губить свою жизнь, а сразу сдать её в соответствующее учреждение. Хотя, скорее, это лишь наш страх.