How the lies of the heroine drug addict arranges

The tendency to lies and manipulations is one of the most recognizable features of the psychological portrait of a drug addict in mass culture. Some associate it exclusively with a forced need to hide, others explain the insincerity of “personality degradation”, but one way or another, almost all heroins build a special information bubble around their dependence, in which their loved ones often find themselves along with them. Samizdat looked at this phenomenon from several points of view: the eyes of the former heroin -dependent; a person’s brother, who has been sitting on the system since the 90s; A psychologist who has been working with dependence for a long time, and a functional drug addict, successfully hiding his problem from others for the second decade.

"Thank you for the attack of my mother, an asshole"

“In the room of my parents from my pocket, an empty (glory of B-g, Allah, Buddha, Zeus and all-all-all) Ziplic from under amphetamine fell.

How difficult it was to simultaneously maintain a serious face, to invent Kulstori and in a completely calm voice to narrate it.

But I managed, now my parents think that my friend bought cool craft zipes in some rare store and gave me one as a souvenir))

Still shakes. Officially, the largest opening in recent years. ”
(From the drug blog to Telegram, December 16, 2018)

Photos of roads and button accordions, Khimsex, Phenibut and phenazepam-all this is in almost every telegram channel dedicated to substances. The authors talk about their interests to a certain extent truthfully and sincerely, because there is no need to deceive, in general,-this is a diary in which you yourself create your own history. The reason for this amazing sincerity is quite simple: you cannot keep silent all the time, but you cannot speak in real life either.

When parents suddenly appear in the midst of fun, bed and existential tripports-this is like in tasks about logical ranks from childhood: it is immediately clear which figure is superfluous here.

“Foenibut was trying to order Blabla in the morning, suddenly a furious knock on the door is heard, it bursts there with shouts:“ Call an ambulance, mom is bad !!! ”

I went up to her, she opened her eyes, saw me and screamed: “Go away! Go away! Complete! Set out of my life!”

And she said that some goat wrote to her that I was using drugs.

... I warned, and more than once that you can touch anyone except my parents.

They threw off my blog. Well.

Alea Jacta Est.

Thanks for the attack of my mother, an asshole. "
(From the same drug blog, February 5, 2019)

The author of the channel has a heart attack, she refuses to do an operation that can save her life. He leaves the house, "so as not to trigger", urgently collects donates and is looking for a fit. And at the same time guilty. Following the person responsible for what happened, the whole drug test in Telegram begins to look for.

Deanon - and the world in which friends give rare craft ziplods begins to crumble. The veil, which you so carefully create for loved ones, colleagues and friends, falls.

And then you all exist for some time in uncomfortable truth.

This text is about how and why drug addicts are lying. About the patterns of lies - a variety of drug addicts, the essence and nature of which is the same, and it does not matter what you use is heroin or Mephedron. About the illusions with which the addict feeds himself and his dependence. And about how the life of the closest changes - those who believe, want to believe and will believe to the last in craft ziploki.

Traction

“How to find out that the addict is lying? He moves his lips ”is one of the most common phrases about addiction, in mass culture, who was fixed behind the film about the American model Gia Karangi. In any material about drug addiction - whether it is a booklet of a narcological clinic or a memo on the website of the Ministry of Internal Affairs - a lie is on the list of its first signs. These two phenomena go hand in hand, and the lies of the dependent person can be completely fantastic, sophisticated and immoral.

The answer to the question why drug addicts are lying, on the one hand, obvious and as if unambiguous. “In psychological theory, lies are primarily a protective mechanism,” explains the psychologist Dinara Badaev, who works with addiction. - People lie because they cannot tell the truth. And the more acute the situation in which they ended up, the more virtuoso they do it. In the case of systemic drug addicts, this ability has been honed for years: a person cannot live differently and is forced to constantly use lies as a tool to achieve the goal. And his goal is to get a dose. ”

The purchase of severe drugs is illegal, and use is an incredibly stigmatized thing, so a lie is also adaptation. Close people - relatives, spouses, friends - often become the main source of resources for the drug addict, and in order to get them, you need to deceive. And when the deception is opened, you need to defend yourself again, you need to adapt - and so on to infinity.

If the use of use is one - get a drug, then this path as an obstacle course. You need to find a dealer, you need to find where to smile safely, and most importantly - you need to get money. Therefore, as one of the heroines of the material says, "you have to maneuver."

Anna has been systematically using heroin for ten years. It all started in the 90s, when club culture and electronic music came to Moscow, and with them drugs. The feeling of their own exclusivity, a sense of freedom, the first raves - then there was no thought that it was dangerous. For a generation of golden youth of the nineties, the heroin was to forget, stop the time and calm down in the middle of a series of parties and a continuous waist. Then - a system and an endless lie.

“It has always been some sophisticated schemes. You know very well where you can put on, and where to pierce. You get away from unsteady topics, look confidentially in the eyes and give out a little half -truth. You feel that at that moment you will be believed, and you will close the truth to this semi -truth more global. For example, about what you pulled out of your father’s safe, opening it with a screwdriver, a thousand dollars while dad was sleeping.

I knew for sure that there was a large amount of money. But I could not just take and take out this case - although in three years I would have done it, it was already a different level. For two days I sat down at home and created the image of a good girl. I pretended that I was lecture and give books, conducted trusting conversations with my parents, went to restaurants with them, analyzed her behavior, made an impression of a person who realized everything and completely recovered. I was in sight all the time, interrupted by painkillers. And all this is only to lull their vigilance.

At the right time, I went into the room at night, walked past sleeping parents, took a safe and carried it out into the street. Then I called my friend, we opened it and took part of the money. I had a way back to the parent bedroom. And I overcame it. At the same time, I felt neither shame, nor guilt, but only mandrazh and adrenaline. Other goals, other objectives stood in front of me: I knew that with this money I could stick out for a week, or even two. ”
(Anna)

“In psychology, this state is described by the concept of“ traction, ”says Dinara. - In the drug addict there is a part that wants to get rid of addiction, change. And there is another who does not want all this, but wants only one - a drug. When a person is overcome by a craving, then only his dependent part remains in his mind, a dependent subpersonality. At this moment, all desires, meanings, connections, morality disappear, leave the field of vision. A person needs a dose manic, and it needs to be obtained in any way - that is why a drug addict’s lie is often called virtuoso and sophisticated. Dependent people are very psychological and incredibly subtly feels what to say at one time or another, where to put pressure, where to retreat, what to promise. ”

The brother of Alexei also began to use in the nineties. He was about sixteen - he himself did not notice how the use overstated dependence.

“Of course, I saw things disappear. I was engaged in large tennis, but stopped at the moment when my brother stole my racket. I always loved playing football, and I had a T -shirt of the Marseille Olympic, and then it disappeared.

He stole a synthesizer from me: he pulled it out of the box, and I did not immediately notice it. Trying to justify himself, his brother said that he was given him to both, so he seems to be our common. Then he began to steal my books - surprisingly, he pulled from my shelves what he really could push.

Our communication consisted largely of these long, exhausting conversations, when my mother and I sat half a day and tried to force him to go to the hospital. He pushed his usual cart: “Yes, I will be treated, just give money to one dose, and then I will go to be treated.” At the sixth hour of one such conversation, he seemed to break himself and began to cry: “Yes, you understand that I will never throw it.” And then I broke and began to cry. Of course, it all ended that I still gave him money for a dose. He left and, of course, did not return.

Then I realized that he simply felt this moment-that now you could break, tell the truth: to say something sincere and at the same time get what he needs to achieve the goal. People in this state very subtly feel dialogue, mutual dynamics between people. ”
(Alexey)

Dependent people feel what I need to say, where to put pressure, where to retreat, what to promise

Another specific line of such a lie - the dependent sincerely believes in it. To some extent, it is generally difficult to call a lie: the drug addict will not just steal the wallet and say that he did not take, but will actively participate in his search, while completely sincerely perplexed where he disappeared.

“When the dependent says that he will jump off the balcony, if he is not given money, he is inside the situation, in the moment,” the psychologist explains. If a person threatens, then this is truly scary, if he blows, then this is truly honest. His consciousness is split, and parts of his personality fight each other, come into conflict.

“I think that people rarely lie in cold blood, as if aimed at the result. The real lie is complex, existential. You embed yourself inside this lie, convince yourself that you do not lie. And this is a purely drug addict. There is an internal conflict, it seems to you two parts. I learned this, looking at my brother’s lies, and I notice that I have it too, I can also virtually lie. Something to hide, conceal, cover the truth by half-truth.

Every time this happens, I feel that I betray myself. This mechanism itself is terrible: you reproduce with another person what you have already done with you once. As if I am a brother, and the person to whom I lie is me. As if I were deceiving myself. "
(Alexey)

Control

The cunning of the lies form the world of a drug addict, a kind of informational bubble in which he lives. Lies are simultaneously a way of existence and the principle by which the whole system is built.

In the center of this system is an addict, his history, attitude. How he sees himself, how he gives himself to others, how he explains and justifies his addiction. And on orbits around him are relatives, whose life, in turn, depends on everything that he broadcasts to them.

As the dependence progresses, a person spends less and less effort on preservation, support of the “facade”. And in this sense there is no lies, which works in any circumstances: it will be functional until a certain moment and at a certain radius. For a near radius (parents), a worker can be one type of lies, for distant (for example, police officers) - another.

In any case, in order for the lie to work as long as possible, it is necessary to maintain certain illusions from others - as Anna clarifies, to create a “curtain”.

“These ten years, while I used drugs, were a period when I used cosmetics as much as possible. I had cheekbones, arrows, I was always dressed from a needle. I never looked after myself as then. I look at old photos - I was everywhere in heels. I have long legs - I wore the shortest skirts as possible. On the one hand, to distract the attention of the operatives, so that they look at them, not at the eyes. On the other hand, this is the whole part of the curtain. It was important that everything looked decent from the sign.

Respectable young people on the renjarovers stopped behind me, I showed them to their mothers. At a certain moment, we stopped communicating with her, lost contact. All I needed was to create a beautiful picture. Not as much as possible to correspond to what was inside. It was necessary to hide the gut. The first years, great efforts went to this. Then I did not even hide it.

In pairs with one friend of my friend, we stole a jewelry. I went into the salon - ragged to fluff, in what I stole before. All sellers escaped to me, trying on. At this time, my partner carried out something more valuable from the store. For a short period, it cheered up. I spent this money, bought a bunch of drugs.

All this time I worked and studied, and it was also a curtain. Perfect formality. All in order to reassure parents. I spent more drugs in a day than I earned a week.

I was not interested. I just did not know, I just did not understand what I love and what not. All these years I have been frozen. ”
(Anna)

The psychologist Dinara Badaeva explains that a sophisticated lie - that is, one in which there is not just disinformation, but complex manipulations, blackmail, threats - is used by an addicted person when his psyche is still relatively preserved. When the disease becomes deeper and harder, the need to lie gradually disappears: the person’s personality is destroyed and the need for protection disappears.

There is simply no one to protect.

“The full bottom came when I went to jail. Absolute loss of control. Before that, I still had the feeling that I was controlling something. There was another environment, support is more powerful. In the end, I was already in a completely different company, with other characters.

It was also a different stage in the country. In heroin chic in the 90s we were immersed systematically. Started with golden youth. We made the drug a good PR, everyone wanted to live the same. Then it just ditch all segments of the population.

When I went to jail, I was already in the Biryulyovo area. ”

(Anna)

I need to pull yourself together and I will tie

A lie that works up to a certain point, this veil, itself often produces a certain illusion of a drug addict - the illusion of control. A person can begin to realize the depth of his dependence quite late - already plunging into it entirely.

The phrase “I need to pull yourself together, and I will tie” is one of such illusions, almost the most common lie that a dependent person says, this time for himself. That is why in any rehabilitation system the first step is to abandon it and recognize the problem, the very presence of the disease. When a person thinks that he can tie at any time or that he is not an ended addict - “unlike them all,” at that moment he gets into the system. The illusion of control does its job.

“Then, when a person already realizes that he is in a trap, he has illusory hopes,” Dinara notes. - That you just need to break, go through detox - and everything will be fine. And after this detox very often, he begins an euphoria, which again gives the illusion of control, calm. “Everything is in order with me,” the dependent says.

Then the “shot in the back” sounds, which crosses consciousness, a person covers “traction”. For himself, this can happen completely unexpectedly. Flashback, the smell or familiar face - to say in advance what can serve as a “trigger”, is impossible, ”the psychologist says.

Complicity

The problem of lies is a problem of trust and expectations. Alexey emphasizes that the point is not that his brother is lying to him, but in principle, that the border between truth and untruth is blurred.

“My brother calls on the phone and says that he will not come for such a reason. Mom and I begin to guess, though this is not true. It took me many years to understand that in fact it is absolutely unimportant. I will never know this again. Whatever my brother says, I still won’t believe him. He may have said the truth at some point, but I still don’t know this, I can’t distinguish it. Because we are in such specific relations, where this border is forever passed, it cannot be returned.

And it seems that this is completely detrimental to any relationship. It is very difficult to exist nearby with this person. ”
(Alexey)

The psychologist emphasizes that drug addiction should be treated primarily as a disease. In this case, the problem of expectations can be resolved. If we are understanding with a person’s disease, then moral expectations from these relations will be different, Dinara explains.

Understanding, however, does not mean agreeing. Even in the relationship “relative - dependent” the first has responsibility. If we know about the disease of the drug addict, then such an obligation will be removed from the apartment all valuable things, reliably close access to money. To blame the addict is that he stole something or carried something out of the apartment is pointless in such a relationship. Because the responsibility for this incident will also be carried out by a close person of the dependent: this is his obligation to know that this can happen, the psychologist believes.

«Вся эта наркоманская ситуация — это как будто бы гипертрофированные отношения между людьми. Думаю, что у нас просто не могло быть нормальных отношений, потому что всё работает лишь в одну сторону — в его.

Главный лейтмотив — он страшно инфантильный человек. Я думаю, он в принципе был довольно инфантильный и до того, как стал зависимым. Наркомания это всё сильнейшим образом обостряет.

Самое тяжёлое и противное во всей этой ситуации — поскольку ему всё время нужно было находиться в зависимости от мамы и от меня, огромную часть своей жизни он построил на разрывании раны в других людях, которая в нём несомненно есть. „Я ребёнок развода, вы виноваты, и теперь вы должны мне помогать“.

Он так по-настоящему и не повзрослел и — я ненавижу эти слова — так и не взял ответственность за свою жизнь. Не понял, что он сам её проживает. Он всё время в страдательной позиции по отношении к жизни. Гепатит, ВИЧ, тюрьма. Как будто разорвана причинно-следственная связь между действием и результатом. Бесчисленные попытки бросить — я помню, он пару раз в жизни просто садился и говорил: „Я никогда не брошу, я знаю это, и вы это знаете. Плюньте на меня“. Но весь ужас и сложность всей этой системы — и лжи в том числе — состоит в том, что даже в этот момент он просит помощи».
(Alexey)

Фрустрация, гнев, обвинения и осуждения — неизбежная часть отношений с наркозависимыми. Они в свою очередь замыкают систему лжи, закрепляют этот механизм. A vicious circle is formed. Именно поэтому часто родственники в общении сами воспроизводят систему лжи, в которой существует наркоман. Это описывается понятием созависимости, когда человек оказывается вовлечён в систематическое потребление веществ опосредованно через своего ребёнка, супруга или близкого друга.

«Теперь, когда он сидит в СИЗО, мне стало легче, потому что я знаю, как принести ему пользу. Можно прислать сигареты — это то, что ему нужно. Достать таблетки от ВИЧ — это то, что ему нужно.

Ещё две недели назад делать для него что-то хорошее значило совершать насилие: не давать ему денег, не отвечать на его звонки, обороняться. Находиться в этой странной, противоестественной ситуации, когда ты как будто хочешь помочь человеку, но вынужден всё время совершать на ним и над собой насилие. Иногда у тебя просто нет сил — чёрт с ним, ты переводишь ему тысячу рублей.

Это было последнее, что я сделал перед тем, как его задержали. Мне позвонила мама и сказала, что он переломался и выходит на работу курьером. Она попросила меня перевести ему 700 рублей на бензин. Я сделал это, и через три часа его поймали — с героином».
(Alexey)

Function

Иван живёт и работает в небольшом городе на севере Европейской части России. У него есть семья: жена, дети. Он вырос в семье с достатком, получил хорошее образование. У него стабильная и приносящая неплохой доход работа, новая квартира, в которой уже сделан ремонт. Уже более десяти лет он в системе. Сначала это был героин, теперь — метадон.

«Употребляю я строго дозированно — вещество чистое. Полграмма в неделю хватает. Ощущения от метадона слабее, чем от героина, хотя сам момент плато длится дольше. Абстиненция может наступать через шесть суток, тогда как у героина этот период — 12–18 часов. Я употребляю два-три раза в неделю по 0,2 грамма. Сейчас я разницы не ощущаю, и если бы предложили героин, я бы, наверное, даже отказался».
(Иван)

Ни коллеги, ни друзья не знают, что он на системе. Знает жена — Иван рассказал ей всё в самом начале отношений. Она отнеслась «с пониманием»: они выросли в одном районе, ровесники. О том, что такое героин, она знает не понаслышке. И, по его словам, осознаёт, что все, кто обладал непомерными аппетитами, кто не мог себя контролировать, уже умерли или получили огромные сроки.

«И если у человека стаж употребления более десяти лет, то это значит, что человек может употреблять до пенсии и ничего с ним не будет. Если употреблять качественное вещество, то это уже как лекарство, разница только в дозировке. Если употреблять в меру, держать над собой контроль, ничего страшного не случится. Жена относится к этому в принципе спокойно. Это никак не влияет на воспитание детей, на бюджет. Я полностью обеспечиваю свою семью. На наркотики я трачу около 10–15 тысяч в месяц».
(Иван)

В городе не он один сидит на метадоне — всего в их сообществе человек шестьдесят, рассказывает Иван. Но общается он лишь с двумя: модель употребления у них схожая, и относятся они к метадоновой терапии точно так же — как к лекарству.

Скрывать это от коллег и знакомых, по словам Ивана, удаётся, в первую очередь, потому, что он контролирует свою зависимость — от и до. Мысли, дозу, уровень толерантности, круг общения. Он употребляет в одиночестве — первые полчаса-час скрыть свое состояние довольно сложно, поэтому он предпочитает делать это один. Дома — почти никогда не колется.

С метадоном в этом плане лучше: проще контролировать, держать себя в руках

«Если ты употребляешь в компании, она потом не даст тебе бросить. Я пришёл к тому, что это нужно делать исключительно в одиночку, чтобы проще себя было контролировать. Чем меньше людей, которые тебе могут позвонить и сказать „давай скинемся, замутим“, тем проще контролировать ситуацию. Иногда бывает — встретишь человека из прошлой жизни, он видит тебя, что-то уже предлагает. И ты понимаешь: надо бежать со всех ног.

У Кирилла Воробьёва этот момент хорошо описан. Третья книга „Верховный пилотаж“, глава называется „Нахлобучка“. Это про другую наркоманию, стимуляционную. Но абсолютно верно и здесь».

(Иван)

По словам Ивана, в его жизни было лишь два момента, когда он понимал, что теряет контроль. Первый раз — когда он употреблял ацетилированный опий, убивший больше половины его знакомых, начавших употрелять опиаты в глубокой российской провинции нулевые. Второй — когда начал торговать. Тогда, рассказывает он, ему нужно было всё больше и больше, он гнался за кайфом. С метадоном в этом плане лучше: проще контролировать, держать себя в руках.

«У наркоманов есть такое понятие — хочуха. Это состояние, когда твоё желание начинает брать над тобой верх. У Дельфина была такая фраза: „Желание кайфа душит, словно удав“. Так вот, если ты понимаешь, что твоё желание руководит тобой, что ты действуешь во вред социализации, во вред семье, — надо тормозить и всё бросать. Если не переломить себя в этот момент… Нельзя говорить себе „ещё чуть-чуть поторчу и потом завяжу“ — это самообман. Никакого чуть-чуть не будет. Ты потеряешь контроль.

Но если ты один раз переступил через себя, то ты переступишь и второй, и третий».

Конечно же, когда он делает себе инъекцию, он получает этот кайф, рассказывает герой. Сначала это приход, потом плато, потом тяга. Но сейчас он относится к этому в большей степени как к лекарству, «которое помогает идти вперёд, помогает жить и чувствовать себя нормально».

«Я не позволяю себе быть в неадекватном состоянии. Особых проблем это не вызывает и никак не сказывается на отношениях в семье, на работе. На социализации. Повторюсь, ни дети, ни коллеги этого не знают.

В моей жизни лжи сейчас как таковой нет, есть недосказанность».