Camingout in the face of Allah

Leila, Amina and Nadir are Muslims. Every day they make namaz, every year they hold a post in Ramadan. But inside them and around them there is always a struggle-due to sexual orientation

Leila

Leila grew up in a strict Muslim family. From the very young age I fell in love only with girls. If Leila had to choose, she would have renounced her personal life, but not from faith.

From the threshold, an unfamiliar woman asked the fifteen -year -old Leila: “There is a very good guy. Agree to marry him? " The matchmaker was looking for a “real bride” to lead the household, care for the house, gave birth and raised children. Leila refused - the last two classes of the school were ahead. She dreamed of going to university and traveling, dreaming of finding girls who, like her, fall in love with girls.

At nine years old, parents taught Leila to make prayer, and at eleven - a little fast. She and the sisters were not allowed to go beyond the yard until sixteen. Parents believed that walking after the onset of darkness is indecent - even in winter, when the sun hid at four in the afternoon. She was forbidden to be friends with girls, outside the school, Leila spoke only with cousins. It was impossible to talk with men either. When an adult man came to the house, Leila and his mother and sisters were covered on the table in advance so that the guest sat down, but there were no women in the living room.

In the kindergarten, Leila liked the older girl, but she soon went to school, and Leila's heart broke. Then she fell in love with a beautiful teacher with big green eyes, looked at her without taking her eyes and caught every word. In the eighth grade, Leila fell in love with a girl from a parallel class - she thought, dreamed, woke up and fell asleep with the thought of her love. She lost her head when she met this girl at school, but she was afraid to even approach and make friends. There was nothing to think about telling about feelings. There was no one to share with, there was no Internet either.

Leila grew and thought that she was so alone and that it was abnormal: “Since childhood, I understood that my love is diverging with faith. At home, they taught that the girl should not touch the intimate parts of the body of another girl. The same -sex love seemed so unimaginable in the family and Muslims that it was not even discussed. It was impossible to tell loved ones - they won’t understand, they won’t accept it. ”

***

Leila found out that she was not alone with the advent of the Internet. Sitting in a computer club, the girl stumbled upon a chat of gays and lesbians, even girls from her city were found in it. But Leila was afraid to meet them. The real names did not say to each other then-suddenly acquaintances sit in the chat, or relatives specially tracks out LGBT people. At the end of her studies, Leila found out that one girl with whom she corresponded was her classmate. They laughed for a long time and kept this discovery secret.

Later in the chat, Leila met a girl from a neighboring region. Leila and Diana corresponded for several months, sent photos to each other. They were afraid to exchange numbers, but once the girls still phoned. Leila took a chance and instead of studying went to her lover. An hour in the minibus, she sat in tension - suddenly a setup. It became even worse when Leila saw Diana in the city of Hijab, rare for that city. But the meeting turned out to be real. This was Leila's first date, and she stayed with Diana for the night. They met several times, and then everything collapsed, it turned out that Diana had a guy.

***

Mom, dad, grandmother and brothers pushed Leila to the wedding, offered grooms, because the sisters got married early. Leila replied that she would not go out for the one whom she did not love. Homemade cursed: "Why don't you want, how do you differ from others?" Parents reproached that Leila, a kid, was behaving like a boy, but did not suspect that she was a lesbian. In order not to hear these conversations, Leila often went to the city center - she studied and worked part.

Leila tried to test herself and not communicate with the girls, but the dates with the guys ended, as a rule, friendship. Leila was afraid that relatives in her would be disappointed, and Allah would condemn. “I feel that Allah sees everything, so I'm afraid, pray and apologize for my actions. But desires cannot be resisted when I love a person sincerely. If I had to choose, I would have renounced my personal life, but not from faith. Because faith lives inside. I am trying to find an excuse for myself, but there is always fear. In Islam, if a person does such actions, then he hopes only for the mercy of Allah. The Qur'an says a lot about the fact that the Almighty forgives, according to and ask for forgiveness. If he wanted to cleanse people from sinful, to make ideal and the same, he would have done it. What is present in us is not by chance.

Illustration: Rita Cherepanova for TD

Some people from the LGBT community believe that if I am a lesbian, then praying is hypocritical. In Russia, many go to a psychologist, but this is not accepted for us. Calming comes to me through prayer, humility before failures and misfortunes that occur in life. ”

Leila makes prayer as expected, five times a day, and tries not to miss. And this year she held a post. “I listen to prayers from sadness, from heart affairs. I know them by heart and read them before going to bed. I try not to condemn other people - everyone has their own mistakes, and there are reasons for them. If I can help someone-I help. It is necessary to treat all people equally, to be merciful, not to slander and not gossip. ”

***

Leila graduated from the university, and then left the house. Relatives reproach that she lives too free, persuade to return home, because she has long to get married. The brothers even threaten that they will come and take away - according to tradition, the family should arrange her life. “I always look out among the crowd of“ ours ”, but I try not to give myself away. Several times relatives or acquaintances saw me in the subway - you won’t hide from them. ”

When Leila moved, a LGBT Person was already persecuted in the Caucasus. Many ceased to communicate with each other, although they used to arrange secret gatherings in apartments. Leila's friends said that now it was not safe to call up: “I know the condition of the people with whom this happened. We are connected with each other. I am afraid of publicity - anything can happen to my family - suddenly they will put pressure on them or threaten them. ”

Amina

Amina fell in love with both girls and guys, but she is more comfortable to meet with girls. She realized her bisexuality after several marriage. And almost simultaneously with this awareness, I realized how deep her connection with Allah was.

Mom inspired Amine the thought of marriage since the age of ten: she taught to cook branded dishes, wash, painstakingly hang underwear, and then lay out on colors. Mom wanted her daughter, like herself, to become the queen of the house and the kitchen. Once Amina slipped to play with neighboring boys in the robbers, and when she returned, her mother was waiting for her at home with a belt. When it became clear that Amina is preparing and hanging t -shirts not like a mother, they quarreled.

In the first year of the university, Amine arranged an engagement with the son of family friends. Amina loved the active intelligent family of the groom - often went to visit or went to theaters and museums with them. I dreamed that after marriage, life with them would become a holiday together. But immediately after the engagement, the families quarreled, and the wedding was canceled. Uncle and Aunt Amina took it as a shame. Relatives from all sides reminded that if Amina did not marry immediately after graduating from the university, then it would not be held in high esteem and no one would need it.

***

After studying with Amina, Malik met. He was uninteresting to the girl, but she agreed to meet. Soon Malik proposed to marry him, relatives pressed, and Amina reconciled. Two hundred people were called to the wedding - relatives, colleagues, friends and neighbors. When the parents had already escorted Amina from the house, she realized that she was mistaken. The whole wedding cried and did not show the guests.

Amina never fell in love with her husband. Attempts of intimacy were unbearable to her, besides, Malik did not succeed. Amina wanted to return to relatives, but was afraid of their condemnation. Once Amina met an old acquaintance, and she began to ask about their intimate life with her husband. The acquaintance knew many subtleties, and Amina did not understand anything: “I hid that my husband and I did not have a full intimacy that there were only attempts to make me a woman. A friend pulled out the details, and I told a little. When she voiced one detail, she said that her husband was sick, and I need to see a doctor. "

Amin at home immediately spoke about the meeting of Malika. The husband calmly replied that he was ill with sexually transmitted infections and was not treated, - he thought he had passed. Malik's erectile dysfunction was a consequence of infections.

“I did not believe that he did so vile,” says Amina, “did not make sure that he was recovered when he married a girl who had no sexual life before. After all, he could talk to me either to heal, or not to create an attempt to sex, because I did not want to. It was a terrible test. "

Amina returned to her parents, she was convicted, but accepted. The girl got rid of diseases for a long time secret from everyone. Amina believed that she was wrong and unworthy.

***

Soon, Amina began to study Islam deeper deeper. Although her family was religious, the girl did not observe most traditions. She went to the courses of Islam and took the lessons of the Arabic language. I was looking for books, asked about Allah of the brothers and their wives. Amine liked the closeness of religious outfits, she often put on scarves and wanted to start wearing a hijab, but did not dare.

“Religion gives me calm,” explains Amina, “there is no fear, panic, like people who do not believe - and what tomorrow? I know that the Almighty helps that he is merciful. I have felt his help more than once. For me, God is my worldview and my attitude to life. ”

In the courses with Amina, Samat met. He already had a family, and Amina Samat called his second wife. Amina wanted only one thing, so that men would leave her alone. But she knew that her relatives would still be given out for someone. And she agreed: “I was hoping, since Samat is already married, he would understand and accept me divorced. I thought there would be more freedom - my husband will rarely visit me and will not touch me much. It turned out the other way around - Samat lived with me almost all the time. And his first wife was left without him. I know many girls who are happy to be second wives, and families live together. But we did not succeed. Samat did not introduce me to my family. At first it hurt me, and then I realized that it was better. I knew that the first wife opposed her second marriage. He also did not want to communicate with my family - he considered them optional. ”

Soon Samat began to be jealous of Amin - to friends, colleagues, work. I did not allow public transport and did not let my friends visit my friends. He did not even want her to go to mom and dad. They could rarely visit them and only with the personal driver of Samat. Amina stopped going somewhere except home and work.

For the first time, Samat hit Amina when she returned from a compulsory working banquet. Amine other men were uninteresting, but Samat constantly came up with reasons for jealousy. “He asked for forgiveness after each outbreak,” Amina recalls, “he said that he loves very much and could not look at me. He had sick love and terrible jealousy. "

***

At work, Amina talked a lot with a colleague, the girls loved the same music and literature. A colleague hinted that she likes Amina. “Her interest for some reason did not surprise me. We have a spontaneous relationship. They were naive and quickly ended, I did not have time to fall in love. But this was an internal discord for me. I liked the girls at school on a par with the boys. Due to sympathy for the girls, I thought that she was very dissolved, and drove off these thoughts. And now I realized - I am more interesting and comfortable with women than with men. The worst thing is that I know that religion condemns this, but I continue to do it. ”

Illustration: Rita Cherepanova for TD

It became impossible to live with Samat. His jealousy increased more and more often into domestic violence. At first he spoke unpleasant words, then called, and then beat. At that time, Amin accidentally met with friends with Milan. And she became Amina’s first love: “Before that, all relations brought me discomfort. And here I saw that Milan was seriously configured, - I cared, gave attention, made general plans. ” Amina tried to leave Samat for a long time, but he did not let it go. Then the girl outwitted her parents and complained that Samat could not provide two families - and she was again taken back.

Amin and Milan met for three years. It was impossible to live together, to go on dates and stay with each other is also difficult. I had to think through plans, get a job, constantly deceive. Neither family nor acquaintances still know about Amina's love.

“It is hard for me to accept this, and there are psychological breakdowns. I apologize to the Almighty for my sin. I am not going to renounce religion or God, being in my right mind. Without religion, I can’t think myself. I will not be whole without faith in the Almighty.

I feel the danger because LGBT people in Russia disappear. Even in domestic plan, it is difficult - you can lose work, fly out of the university. I'm also afraid of publicity. And vice versa, in LGBT meetings I felt a prejudice attitude towards myself several times. It was as if they talked to me not like the rest, because I am a Muslim. It seems to me that people themselves come up with stereotypes.

Now I meet a girl. Our relationship is two years. I chose a person for a similar worldview and for the qualities that are valuable to me, she is responsive, kind, always ready to help, this cannot but like it. If I fell in love with a person and this is a woman, what should I do? I cannot control my feelings. I just fell in love. "

Nadir

Previously, Nadir thought that he would go to hell due to the fact that he was gay. He felt an outcast and tried to change with the help of a psychologist. But once he accepted himself as a gay and a Muslim.

When Nadir was ten years old, his uncle came home drunk and fell asleep in the hall of the house in his underpants. Nadir came up and stroked his body - his chest and stomach. The boy liked to watch adult men, and his uncle seemed to be a little Nadira especially beautiful. After this evening, he began to realize that he likes the guys.

Nadir looked anxiously at classmates. He felt that he was not like everyone else, some wrong. In the eleventh grade, a new one came to the school - a dark -eyed, dark -haired girl, which all the guys fell in love with. She liked Nadir - she stayed nearby, sometimes sat down on his knees. Nadir also fell in love - he invited the girl on a date, they kissed and began to meet. But at the end of the year, everyone ran around universities, and relations broke up by themselves.

Already in college, Nadir realized that he did not like the girl at all. And at nineteen, after the first sex with the guy, he finally admitted that he was gay. Nadir met guys on the Internet and often left home at night. Parents thought that the son was dating a girl, and according to Muslim traditions, she must be shown to the family. “From the age of twenty, we have been trying to marry the guys,” says Nadir, “and they tried me, they shoved me different girls.” They constantly ask: “Well, when will you get married?” I said: "The time will come - then I will marry."

***

With his first love, an attractive and courteous man, fifteen years older than him, Nadir met his friends. Murat lived in another city - after a walk, Nadir took him to the airport and kissed goodbye. Two days later, Nadir realized that he was in love for the first time, bought a plane ticket and immediately flew after Murat: “For the first time with me it was. I lived with Murat for a week, admitted love before leaving. We flew to each other, and then I moved and lived with Murat for a year. I cared and did everything for him - I pleased him, cooked food, but he didn’t even say thanks. Then I found correspondence with other guys in his laptop - I threw everything and flew home. For another year I thought that we would succeed-I went in a trance, I didn’t talk to anyone. ”

Time passed, parents asked questions, but Nadir did not introduce them to the bride and did not tell anything about his life. The family was afraid that the son was taking drugs. Then they began to follow him: they tried to find out where he, with whom he spends the night. Once Nadir forgot to block the phone and went to bed. Mom checked the phone, opened messages and was horrified - there the son discussed sex with a guy. Nadir recalled: "In the morning, my mother asked:" What is on your phone, with whom do you correspond? " I realized that she had read, and decided to tell myself: “Mom, I meet the guys.” Without waiting for an answer, I gathered and left the house. ”

All day Nadir wandered the streets and was afraid that his mother would be bad or that his parents would drive him out of the house. In the evening, my mother wrote Nadir a message and asked to return. At home, she said that Nadir was sick and she needs to be treated by a psychiatrist.

“I was even delighted,” Nadir recalls, “because before that I had already communicated with psychologists. When I met with the guys or had sex with them, then I felt sorry and felt very disgusting. I thought that suddenly I could become a heterosexual and live calmly? It was so bad for me that my friend-gay directed me to a psychologist by force. And the psychologist supported me. I also went to meetings of a local LGBT community and there I realized that I was not alone. Now I have no feeling that I am worse than others. Когда я осознал, что гей, — думал, что попаду в ад. Сейчас особо об этом не думаю. Почему я должен отрекаться от веры? Раз мы такие, значит, Аллах нас такими создал и мы имеем право существовать».

Illustration: Rita Cherepanova for TD

С мамой Надир обошел десять психиатров и психотерапевтов, и каждый сказал, что быть геем — нормально. Мама не примирилась с этим, но все-таки отцу, военному со взрывным характером, рассказывать побоялась. Секрет все равно раскрылся — отцу анонимно прислали фото, где Надир лежит в обнимку с парнем: «Папа подошел ко мне, назвал имя и фамилию парня и спросил, кто это. I replied that I do not know. Он кричал матом, выгнал меня из дома, а когда разрешил вернуться, не разговаривал со мной месяц. Отец родом из мест со строгими обычаями, там детей женят без спроса. Он пригрозил, что если я не выберу невесту, то меня женят насильно».

***

В этом году Надир должен выбрать невесту. Он не хотел разочаровывать родителей, поэтому пытался ухаживать за девушками. Приглашал на свидания — в кино или погулять: «Бывает химия между людьми, но у меня с девушками такого не было. Хотя в глубине души я хочу создать традиционную семью, родить детей. Но чувствую, что буду не в своей тарелке. Я бы хотел брак с парнем — найти единомышленника, уехать в Европу и там вместе жить. Тяжело сказать, каким я вижу парня для отношений. Наверное, хотел бы, чтобы это был мусульманин. Вера не так важна, но хорошо быть на одной волне. Хотя сейчас не верю в отношения, потому что все изменяют».

***

«Почти все геи, которых я знаю, — мусульмане, — рассказывает Надир. — Мурат тоже был мусульманин, правда, не слишком верующий. А еще двое моих бывших партнеров даже не ходят тусоваться. Могут пойти посидеть куда-то, но туда, где есть спиртное, они не ходят», — рассказывает Надир. Сам он ходит на пятничный намаз в мечеть каждую неделю. Говорит, ему там свободно и хорошо. «С возрастом я все чаще обращаюсь к Аллаху. И ищу у него поддержки. Если я чувствую трудности, прошу, чтобы помог. Когда все хорошо, благодарю. Я молюсь и прошу благополучия для родителей. В мечети мне кажется все таким чистым — на душе легко. Когда Сунну ( Сунна — священное предание мусульман — прим. ТД ) читают, тоже очень успокаивает. Пост в Рамадан держу четвертый год подряд. Не ем после восхода и до заката солнца. Еще необходимо держать в чистоте себя и свое жилище, нельзя врать, материться, пить алкоголь, нужно совершать только добрые дела.

Однажды имам рассказывал, что мужчины не должны любить мужчин. Он сказал, что это шайтаны в людей вселяются. And I don't think so. Может, это — испытание для человека».